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AITA for pointing out that i've realised my wife hugely favourites our son, opposed to her daughters?
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i've been with my wife for over 20 years. she had 2 daughters from her previous marriage, and we also have a son together. my wife has always insisted that i stay out of the parenting - when the girls were young i tried to take them on a walk without her and she was furious and since then, i've never tried to be involved. i'm the breadwinner and she's a stay at home mom.
it's come to my attention that my wife plays favourites with our family, and doesn't actually treat her two daughters the same as our son. we have recently fallen out about it and she has told me that she is the parent and knows what she's doing, and i should stay out of it. so i want to ask aita for noticing these things and pointing them out? i've just realised that the girls are feeling quite neglected. all three children are now adults (all in 20's).
we take my son on holidays and don't invite my daughters at all
my wife is telling the daughters to spend time with their friends over christmas, rather than come home
my wife insisted my son needed a car so we bought him one, but when her daughters needed cars she was silent (our financial position has always been the same). she then lied to the daughters and said this was a loan to the son.
she cooks foods the daughters don't like, and just says 'tough', whereas makes a special dinner every night for my son
she stirs trouble between the siblings and pits them against one another
she plays favourites and pretends to be each of their best friend's, but then gossips behind their backs with the other siblings
she seems to sabotage the daughters by not giving them the correct instructions for something, then waiting for them to come to her crying as they were unable to do something (but the reason they couldn't do it is because of insufficient instructions!)
aita for pointing out that these things aren't really what family is all about? i've only just noticed this is all going on, and she's telling me to stay out of it. it's causing tension between us. aita here?
| 4,368
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https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/wcnz0h/aita_for_pointing_out_that_ive_realised_my_wife/
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2022-07-31 12:49:36
|
esh
your wife is a huge asshole. no question. those poor kids. it's probably a combination of seismic, and associating her daughters with their father.
also, she's a "stay at home mom" to adults in their 20s?
but, in 20+ years, you didn't realize this was going on? you tried to take the kids for a walk once. she said no, and you just said "ok, this is how a relationship should go. i shouldn't be able to do anything with my step daughters at all" you absolutely let your son get favorites for 20 years.
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esh you're wife does sound like an ah but did it really take you 20 years to notice she neglects her daughters?
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esh. you and your wife both suck. you're saying you only *just* noticed your son is the favourite and she neglects her two daughters? sure, jan.
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yta. this goes beyond favoritism. she sounds like a truly awful human being. how could you not see this all these years and why would you even consider staying with this woman?
i like the suggestion that you should meet with your step-daughters, away from the house and without your wife’s knowledge. my guess is, she has blamed a lot of this on you. what is your relationship like with your step-daughters?
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esh. your wife’s behavior is awful, and it’s going to fracture the whole family if she doesn’t stop. this didn’t happen overnight, and you let it happen by doing nothing for years.
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info: now that you’ve decided to pay attention to what’s been happening for years, what are you going to do about it?
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[deleted]
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esh your wife for the way she treats her daughters and you for abandoning your parental duties and letting this go on for so long.
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esh. she’s horrible and you’re enabling it. why can’t you tell your daughters you want them on vacations and for christmas? why would you think you can just put “parenting decisions” on her list as if it’s dividing up cleaning chores? you’ve massively failed here.
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nta for pointing it out. totally yta for letting it go on for all these years, and abandoning those girls. i doubt they'll ever be able to forgive either of you.
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ESH
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ESH
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ESH
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YTA
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ESH
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INFO
| null |
ESH
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ESH
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NTA
| 0.234243
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Classify the interpersonal conflict and explain your choice. Your choices are limited to you're the a**hole (yta) when the writer is causing the conflict, not the a**hole (nta) when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict, no a**holes here (nah) when no one is causing the conflict, everyone sucks here (esh) when everyone is causing the conflict, more information needed (info) when a classification cannot be made with the context provided. Conflict context: i've been with my wife for over 20 years. she had 2 daughters from her previous marriage, and we also have a son together. my wife has always insisted that i stay out of the parenting - when the girls were young i tried to take them on a walk without her and she was furious and since then, i've never tried to be involved. i'm the breadwinner and she's a stay at home mom. it's come to my attention that my wife plays favourites with our family, and doesn't actually treat her two daughters the same as our son. we have recently fallen out about it and she has told me that she is the parent and knows what she's doing, and i should stay out of it. so i want to ask aita for noticing these things and pointing them out? i've just realised that the girls are feeling quite neglected. all three children are now adults (all in 20's). we take my son on holidays and don't invite my daughters at all my wife is telling the daughters to spend time with their friends over christmas, rather than come home my wife insisted my son needed a car so we bought him one, but when her daughters needed cars she was silent (our financial position has always been the same). she then lied to the daughters and said this was a loan to the son. she cooks foods the daughters don't like, and just says 'tough', whereas makes a special dinner every night for my son she stirs trouble between the siblings and pits them against one another she plays favourites and pretends to be each of their best friend's, but then gossips behind their backs with the other siblings she seems to sabotage the daughters by not giving them the correct instructions for something, then waiting for them to come to her crying as they were unable to do something (but the reason they couldn't do it is because of insufficient instructions!) aita for pointing out that these things aren't really what family is all about? i've only just noticed this is all going on, and she's telling me to stay out of it. it's causing tension between us. aita here?
|
<s>[INST] <<SYS>>
Classify the interpersonal conflict and explain your choice. Your choices are limited to you're the a**hole (yta) when the writer is causing the conflict, not the a**hole (nta) when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict, no a**holes here (nah) when no one is causing the conflict, everyone sucks here (esh) when everyone is causing the conflict, more information needed (info) when a classification cannot be made with the context provided.
<</SYS>>
i've been with my wife for over 20 years. she had 2 daughters from her previous marriage, and we also have a son together. my wife has always insisted that i stay out of the parenting - when the girls were young i tried to take them on a walk without her and she was furious and since then, i've never tried to be involved. i'm the breadwinner and she's a stay at home mom. it's come to my attention that my wife plays favourites with our family, and doesn't actually treat her two daughters the same as our son. we have recently fallen out about it and she has told me that she is the parent and knows what she's doing, and i should stay out of it. so i want to ask aita for noticing these things and pointing them out? i've just realised that the girls are feeling quite neglected. all three children are now adults (all in 20's). we take my son on holidays and don't invite my daughters at all my wife is telling the daughters to spend time with their friends over christmas, rather than come home my wife insisted my son needed a car so we bought him one, but when her daughters needed cars she was silent (our financial position has always been the same). she then lied to the daughters and said this was a loan to the son. she cooks foods the daughters don't like, and just says 'tough', whereas makes a special dinner every night for my son she stirs trouble between the siblings and pits them against one another she plays favourites and pretends to be each of their best friend's, but then gossips behind their backs with the other siblings she seems to sabotage the daughters by not giving them the correct instructions for something, then waiting for them to come to her crying as they were unable to do something (but the reason they couldn't do it is because of insufficient instructions!) aita for pointing out that these things aren't really what family is all about? i've only just noticed this is all going on, and she's telling me to stay out of it. it's causing tension between us. aita here? [/INST] esh your wife is a huge asshole. no question. those poor kids. it's probably a combination of seismic, and associating her daughters with their father. also, she's a "stay at home mom" to adults in their 20s? but, in 20+ years, you didn't realize this was going on? you tried to take the kids for a walk once. she said no, and you just said "ok, this is how a relationship should go. i shouldn't be able to do anything with my step daughters at all" you absolutely let your son get favorites for 20 years. </s>
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AITA for threatening to disinvite my parents from my wedding for their ignorant comments?
|
my (28m) fiancee (27f) and i are getting married next june, after dating for 10 years. i’m white british, from a village and she’s south asian. my parents love her, and are welcoming of her, calling her a beautiful indian princess, although it hasn’t been much of a culture shock for them. she’s very ‘anglicised’, brit accent, because she lived in several countries before coming to the uk at 17.
she went through a lot of racism before, which was horrible and direct, so she doesn’t complain about ‘small things’. by that i mean comments my parents make out of ignorance, like teasing her for her name, making jokes about terrorists (her family are not practicing muslims), how our children will all be called mohammed, saying they would give our kids ‘english nicknames’ because we’re planning to give them cultural names. or calling her an ‘indian kitchen maid’ if she’s doing chores, telling her when she gets pregnant she’ll have a ‘delhi belly’. she doesn’t react to those comments, but i know they upset her and she doesn’t say it because she knows it could be worse.
last week, her parents came over to meet mine, and they flew over in a 15 hour flight. her parents aren’t as ‘anglicised’ as she is, and have heavy accents. i was so embarrassed when we went for dinner, and my dad started talking to them in a put on indian accent. my mum kept asking her mum about dowries and forced marriages, which confused them because they were obviously not that traditional if they were happy with their daughter marrying me. she also asked her mum if i died, would my fiancee jump into the cremation fire. kept calling our indian wedding (which they wanted!) a big costume party. then my dad after some drinks started making bomb jokes when the waiter came, like “oh, be careful, mr x might blow this place up if you don’t do his steak right!”.
i could see my fiancee was embarrassed, but she didn’t say anything. after the dinner, she went to her parents’ hotel and i confronted my parents about the things they said. i have always told them those “jokes” add up, but they brushed it off because she never said anything. i asked her why she never did, and she said ‘what would i look like if i started this fight? why do i have to be the one that stirs the pot?’
my parents started arguing that it was because they never had exposure to south asians. that’s not true, we live in a village but its near a huge multicultural city. also, we dated for 10 years. it’s unfair: her family are wealthy and move in “socialite” circles while mine are working class, but her parents never were classist even though they were “used to” rich people. i got angry and said maybe our wedding is one costume party they may not be invited to. (they would be, i just said it out of anger). my mum started crying, and my dad called my fiancee and told her the fuss i made “because of her”, and now she’s awkward too.
idk who i offended and how, but aita?
| 6,265
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/re4jqz/aita_for_threatening_to_disinvite_my_parents_from/
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2021-12-11 17:33:15
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esh except your fiancé and her parents.
your parents for obviously racist reasons.
you for letting them do this for a decade to the woman you love.
you let it continue and blow up when you could have nipped it in the bud and educated your parents instead of letting them keep develop a habit of being hurtful
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yta for the threat not actually being sincere. fucking hell they've been openly racist to your fiance for *ten years* and now they're openly racist to her parents, when are you *actually* going to start standing up to them? your fiance's awkward because what you said made it worse for her without actually being any help for her because she knows you won't defend her.
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as a south asian, i would have broken up with you the first day your parents made these jokes and you didn't stand up to them. yta for making this about your parents' feelings, even now, even in this post.
your girl deserves better.
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>she went through a lot of racism before, which was horrible and direct, so she doesn’t complain about ‘small things’. by that i mean comments my parents make out of ignorance, like teasing her for her name, making jokes about terrorists (her family are not practicing muslims), how our children will all be called mohammed, saying they would give our kids ‘english nicknames’ because we’re planning to give them cultural names. or calling her an ‘indian kitchen maid’ if she’s doing chores, telling her when she gets pregnant she’ll have a ‘delhi belly’.
none of those are "small things." those are all terrible, racist comments.
>but they brushed it off because she never said anything. i asked her why she never did, and she said ‘what would i look like if i started this fight? why do i have to be the one that stirs the pot?’
your fiancée is absolutely right that it should not fall to her to "stir the pot" over your parents' constant racism. that's *your* job, and yta for failing to stand up to your parents for so long that they ended up acting so horribly not just to her but to her parents as well. it's good that you're finally confronting them now, but you have a lot of work to do to make up for lost time.
sit your parents down again and make it clear to them in no uncertain terms that you will no longer tolerate any racist comments directed toward your fiancée or her family. demand an apology without any defensiveness. you've got six months until the wedding; that's plenty of time to give your parents multiple opportunities to demonstrate that they understand that their previous behavior is entirely unacceptable. tell them that the next time it happens, you and your fiancée will not argue about it but will simply get up and leave, giving them time to reflect on their bad behavior. and if it happens again after that, they will be uninvited from your wedding, since they will have made it clear that they can't be trusted to behave appropriately.
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the title to this post is really misleading. it should me "aita for allowing my parents to say racist things to my girlfriend for ten years?"
and the answer is yes, yes you are. yta.
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yta. forget the wedding, you should have stopped this madness __years__ ago. your parents need to be kept away from your fiance and her family permanently. you have not only tolerated thier crap but you have basically endorsed it by allowing it to continue.
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those are not "jokes", that's racism. have you said anything to you parents earlier about their racist comments? it's kinda hard to believe this is real.
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aaaah the brits and their "banter".
fucks sake.
she shouldn't marry you, you're fucking useless quite frankly. imagine the "jokes" you'll tolerate about your biracial children.
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nta. your parents are racists, they just say they’re not but their actions are clear.
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yta for letting this shit go on for so long. i feel so sorry for your partner to have to put up with not only the family she'll marry into but the spinless moron that you are.
also, the village folk bs doesn't work. your parents are terrible people and you are siding with them in your avoidance.
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ESH
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YTA
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YTA
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YTA
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YTA
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YTA
| null | null |
NTA
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YTA
| 0.064305
|
Classify the interpersonal conflict and explain your choice. Your choices are limited to you're the a**hole (yta) when the writer is causing the conflict, not the a**hole (nta) when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict, no a**holes here (nah) when no one is causing the conflict, everyone sucks here (esh) when everyone is causing the conflict, more information needed (info) when a classification cannot be made with the context provided. Conflict context: my (28m) fiancee (27f) and i are getting married next june, after dating for 10 years. i’m white british, from a village and she’s south asian. my parents love her, and are welcoming of her, calling her a beautiful indian princess, although it hasn’t been much of a culture shock for them. she’s very ‘anglicised’, brit accent, because she lived in several countries before coming to the uk at 17. she went through a lot of racism before, which was horrible and direct, so she doesn’t complain about ‘small things’. by that i mean comments my parents make out of ignorance, like teasing her for her name, making jokes about terrorists (her family are not practicing muslims), how our children will all be called mohammed, saying they would give our kids ‘english nicknames’ because we’re planning to give them cultural names. or calling her an ‘indian kitchen maid’ if she’s doing chores, telling her when she gets pregnant she’ll have a ‘delhi belly’. she doesn’t react to those comments, but i know they upset her and she doesn’t say it because she knows it could be worse. last week, her parents came over to meet mine, and they flew over in a 15 hour flight. her parents aren’t as ‘anglicised’ as she is, and have heavy accents. i was so embarrassed when we went for dinner, and my dad started talking to them in a put on indian accent. my mum kept asking her mum about dowries and forced marriages, which confused them because they were obviously not that traditional if they were happy with their daughter marrying me. she also asked her mum if i died, would my fiancee jump into the cremation fire. kept calling our indian wedding (which they wanted!) a big costume party. then my dad after some drinks started making bomb jokes when the waiter came, like “oh, be careful, mr x might blow this place up if you don’t do his steak right!”. i could see my fiancee was embarrassed, but she didn’t say anything. after the dinner, she went to her parents’ hotel and i confronted my parents about the things they said. i have always told them those “jokes” add up, but they brushed it off because she never said anything. i asked her why she never did, and she said ‘what would i look like if i started this fight? why do i have to be the one that stirs the pot?’ my parents started arguing that it was because they never had exposure to south asians. that’s not true, we live in a village but its near a huge multicultural city. also, we dated for 10 years. it’s unfair: her family are wealthy and move in “socialite” circles while mine are working class, but her parents never were classist even though they were “used to” rich people. i got angry and said maybe our wedding is one costume party they may not be invited to. (they would be, i just said it out of anger). my mum started crying, and my dad called my fiancee and told her the fuss i made “because of her”, and now she’s awkward too. idk who i offended and how, but aita?
|
<s>[INST] <<SYS>>
Classify the interpersonal conflict and explain your choice. Your choices are limited to you're the a**hole (yta) when the writer is causing the conflict, not the a**hole (nta) when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict, no a**holes here (nah) when no one is causing the conflict, everyone sucks here (esh) when everyone is causing the conflict, more information needed (info) when a classification cannot be made with the context provided.
<</SYS>>
my (28m) fiancee (27f) and i are getting married next june, after dating for 10 years. i’m white british, from a village and she’s south asian. my parents love her, and are welcoming of her, calling her a beautiful indian princess, although it hasn’t been much of a culture shock for them. she’s very ‘anglicised’, brit accent, because she lived in several countries before coming to the uk at 17. she went through a lot of racism before, which was horrible and direct, so she doesn’t complain about ‘small things’. by that i mean comments my parents make out of ignorance, like teasing her for her name, making jokes about terrorists (her family are not practicing muslims), how our children will all be called mohammed, saying they would give our kids ‘english nicknames’ because we’re planning to give them cultural names. or calling her an ‘indian kitchen maid’ if she’s doing chores, telling her when she gets pregnant she’ll have a ‘delhi belly’. she doesn’t react to those comments, but i know they upset her and she doesn’t say it because she knows it could be worse. last week, her parents came over to meet mine, and they flew over in a 15 hour flight. her parents aren’t as ‘anglicised’ as she is, and have heavy accents. i was so embarrassed when we went for dinner, and my dad started talking to them in a put on indian accent. my mum kept asking her mum about dowries and forced marriages, which confused them because they were obviously not that traditional if they were happy with their daughter marrying me. she also asked her mum if i died, would my fiancee jump into the cremation fire. kept calling our indian wedding (which they wanted!) a big costume party. then my dad after some drinks started making bomb jokes when the waiter came, like “oh, be careful, mr x might blow this place up if you don’t do his steak right!”. i could see my fiancee was embarrassed, but she didn’t say anything. after the dinner, she went to her parents’ hotel and i confronted my parents about the things they said. i have always told them those “jokes” add up, but they brushed it off because she never said anything. i asked her why she never did, and she said ‘what would i look like if i started this fight? why do i have to be the one that stirs the pot?’ my parents started arguing that it was because they never had exposure to south asians. that’s not true, we live in a village but its near a huge multicultural city. also, we dated for 10 years. it’s unfair: her family are wealthy and move in “socialite” circles while mine are working class, but her parents never were classist even though they were “used to” rich people. i got angry and said maybe our wedding is one costume party they may not be invited to. (they would be, i just said it out of anger). my mum started crying, and my dad called my fiancee and told her the fuss i made “because of her”, and now she’s awkward too. idk who i offended and how, but aita? [/INST] esh except your fiancé and her parents. your parents for obviously racist reasons. you for letting them do this for a decade to the woman you love. you let it continue and blow up when you could have nipped it in the bud and educated your parents instead of letting them keep develop a habit of being hurtful </s>
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AITA... I’m pissed that I got a Peloton for my birthday
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throwaway account
so, i realize i already sound like a brat. this is the most expensive present i have ever received in my life and i enjoy spin classes, but the back story is what is important here.
about a month ago, my significant other said he had spoken with my sister and came up with some ideas for my birthday and would i like to hear them. i obviously said yes and the first thing on the list was a peloton. i have never had any interest in a peloton and as you can see by the spelling in my throwaway username, i can’t even spell it right let alone know anything about it.
i said no thanks it’s way too expensive and i have no interest in it. i work out at work where i spin 2-4 times a week and watch youtube spin videos. i have an hour lunch break and go to the gym then to make sure i actually get my workouts done.
after providing that explanation, i followed up multiple times in the weeks saying “please, do not buy me a peloton,” “if you ordered a peloton, please cancel the order and return it.”
today (the day before my birthday) i walk down into the basement, and there’s the damn peloton. i’m immediately pissed off. ask why when i said countless times i didn’t want one, there one is in my basement. my fiancé just stared at me blankly. he thought i would change my mind when i saw it. i maintain that i’ve told him ten+ times that i don’t want one and why would he expect me to change my mind.
we aren’t currently speaking because he’s pissed i’m not happy with the gift. so reddit, aita?
| 13,795
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https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/f03owy/aita_im_pissed_that_i_got_a_peloton_for_my/
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2020-02-07 02:26:19
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info- have you considered vlogging your journey for the next year?
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that's actually worse than thoughtless. it's intentionally disregarding your feelings.
he may as well have gotten you something to put in his truck for all you'll appreciate it.
some people do believe that you should show appreciation regardless of how shitty the gift is. i am not one of them. nta.
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nta. does your boyfriend live under a rock? did he not see everyone making fun of that stupid commercial and the running commentary about not buying your so a peloton? you said no many, many times. you did not want it. he is the asshole, and also just kind of dumb.
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nta. what was the point of asking you if he was just going to get it no matter what you said? he needs to listen.
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in my house this is what we refer to as a “ homer gift”, reference: an episode of the simpson’s where homer wants to go bowling and buy a ball and so he buys marge a bowling ball for her birthday present and it even has his name etched on it.
i think you just got a homer gift.
$10 says your bf wanted it and is gonna use it.
nta
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i think if op decides to vlog in the basement with the hated peloton that singing off-key to the exercise music should be a requirement—except not really. at all. no one should buy a peloton entirely because of their off-key hulu commercial that is like a repeated auditory water-boarding.
oh, and also because op *clearly* stated they in no way wanted a peloton. soooo not ta and this kind of gifting is clearly not about the recipient.
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nta-you could not have been clearer about your desire not to own a peloton.
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nta. i feel like the peloton/price of the peloton is a red herring.
it doesn’t matter if we’re talking about a $5 gift or a $5000 gift. it doesn’t even matter if there’s a gift involved.
the problem is that you very clearly communicated your feelings and explicitly asked him not to do a specific thing, and he completely disregarded your feelings to do what he wanted or, even worse, decide what you should want instead of respecting what you did want.
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nta. he sounds just about as clued in to what women want as the people who made that awful peloton ad that people love to hate. if you specifically told him not to get something and he still gets that exact thing, it's probably a bad sign that he's turning this around to be your fault and something he can be angry about.
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nta - and any gift that comes with a subscription fee is not a gift.
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INFO
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
| null |
NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
| 0.00388
|
Classify the interpersonal conflict and explain your choice. Your choices are limited to you're the a**hole (yta) when the writer is causing the conflict, not the a**hole (nta) when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict, no a**holes here (nah) when no one is causing the conflict, everyone sucks here (esh) when everyone is causing the conflict, more information needed (info) when a classification cannot be made with the context provided. Conflict context: throwaway account so, i realize i already sound like a brat. this is the most expensive present i have ever received in my life and i enjoy spin classes, but the back story is what is important here. about a month ago, my significant other said he had spoken with my sister and came up with some ideas for my birthday and would i like to hear them. i obviously said yes and the first thing on the list was a peloton. i have never had any interest in a peloton and as you can see by the spelling in my throwaway username, i can’t even spell it right let alone know anything about it. i said no thanks it’s way too expensive and i have no interest in it. i work out at work where i spin 2-4 times a week and watch youtube spin videos. i have an hour lunch break and go to the gym then to make sure i actually get my workouts done. after providing that explanation, i followed up multiple times in the weeks saying “please, do not buy me a peloton,” “if you ordered a peloton, please cancel the order and return it.” today (the day before my birthday) i walk down into the basement, and there’s the damn peloton. i’m immediately pissed off. ask why when i said countless times i didn’t want one, there one is in my basement. my fiancé just stared at me blankly. he thought i would change my mind when i saw it. i maintain that i’ve told him ten+ times that i don’t want one and why would he expect me to change my mind. we aren’t currently speaking because he’s pissed i’m not happy with the gift. so reddit, aita?
|
<s>[INST] <<SYS>>
Classify the interpersonal conflict and explain your choice. Your choices are limited to you're the a**hole (yta) when the writer is causing the conflict, not the a**hole (nta) when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict, no a**holes here (nah) when no one is causing the conflict, everyone sucks here (esh) when everyone is causing the conflict, more information needed (info) when a classification cannot be made with the context provided.
<</SYS>>
throwaway account so, i realize i already sound like a brat. this is the most expensive present i have ever received in my life and i enjoy spin classes, but the back story is what is important here. about a month ago, my significant other said he had spoken with my sister and came up with some ideas for my birthday and would i like to hear them. i obviously said yes and the first thing on the list was a peloton. i have never had any interest in a peloton and as you can see by the spelling in my throwaway username, i can’t even spell it right let alone know anything about it. i said no thanks it’s way too expensive and i have no interest in it. i work out at work where i spin 2-4 times a week and watch youtube spin videos. i have an hour lunch break and go to the gym then to make sure i actually get my workouts done. after providing that explanation, i followed up multiple times in the weeks saying “please, do not buy me a peloton,” “if you ordered a peloton, please cancel the order and return it.” today (the day before my birthday) i walk down into the basement, and there’s the damn peloton. i’m immediately pissed off. ask why when i said countless times i didn’t want one, there one is in my basement. my fiancé just stared at me blankly. he thought i would change my mind when i saw it. i maintain that i’ve told him ten+ times that i don’t want one and why would he expect me to change my mind. we aren’t currently speaking because he’s pissed i’m not happy with the gift. so reddit, aita? [/INST] info- have you considered vlogging your journey for the next year? </s>
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WIBTA if I don't help my brother out while he's going through a divorce?
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my brother and i are the only family we have, i'm 26 and he's 29, and we were really close.
i got married 7 years ago (yes at 19, i was stupid) to my first wife but that marriage fell apart quickly because we were never really in love, just liked each other and thought we might as well give it a shot. the divorce was really messy and i thought about killing myself just so i don't have to deal with it. i went to my brother and asked him for help (both financial and just support) and he more or less told me to get fucked. his wife was filling his mind with lies about me and to this day i have no clue why she had a personal vendetta against me.
eventually the divorce was done, i made it through because my now-wife supported me during it. my brother and i had a relationship after that, but no where near as close as before. i married my wife at 24 and we're still together. some time later i found out his wife was having an affair with a coworker and confronted her about it. he took her side, accused me of trying to drive a wedge between them, and said he wants nothing to do with me anymore. that's about it for the past 2 years, no contact at all. (i'll admit texting his wife calling her a cheating cunt a few times when i was drunk but that's irrelevant).
yesterday he called me and said he found out she's been having an affair (with the same guy nonetheless, how do you not investigate that relationship sooner) and he's sorry for not believing me. they're getting a divorce now but my wife is violently opposed to helping him out considering what happened before. i'm considering not responding and moving on with my life. aita if i do so?
| 1,958
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https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/b9qtbv/wibta_if_i_dont_help_my_brother_out_while_hes/
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2019-04-05 12:51:10
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nah - can’t get away from the past. but since he’s your only family, you might want to keep it civil .....you never know when you might need a kidney.
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nta he kicked while you were down, so this is just karma coming to bite him in the ass.
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nah - but an opportunity to do better than what your brother did to you and maybe to mend a broken relationship. it’s never too later to come back to family.
my mom has 3 siblings, and, after some family drama, one aunt kind of went out of her way to exclude herself from the family. she barely attended family gathering, despite invites. finally invites stopped coming, and after 20 years i didn’t think my aunt would be in our family’s life.
recently my aunts husband died, and it would be been very reasonable to just send a card, or attend the funeral, or just attend the wake. we did all of it, because she is still family. flash forward to today, things are getting better, my mom and siblings had dinner together for the first time in 25 years. it’s progress.
i can’t promise things will get better or your relationship with your brother will ever be close, but i do think you’ll kick yourself in 10 years if you don’t try to do the kind thing now.
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nta your brother is an asshole. you do have a chance now to be the bigger person and help though, especially since you know first hand how dark things can get.
it might also be an opportunity to rekindle the relationship if she was feeding him lies about you, although i wouldn’t go in expecting this.
you’d be a saint if you did help but you also wouldn’t be an asshole if you decide not to. it’s your decision and either way you’re not wrong.
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it's worth asking yourself how much of him telling you to get fucked was his cheating, manipulative wife talking. but nta whatever you decide.
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nta
he deserves what he's getting but i'd still help him if i were you. not financially but emotionally. it would firstly be a huge middle finger to his wife and prove that you were right. secondly it could repair a once great relationship. i think you should try and be the bigger man here and finally come out on top.
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nta he’s made his bed on more than one occasion, he can lay in it. that been said, think about if your happy for this to be the final nail the coffin.
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esh. your brother was an asshole before, apparently because of what his wife was telling him, now you would literally be doing exactly the same thing: being an asshole. you know how much it sucks to be in his shoes, fortunately you met your now wife, your brother doesn’t have that right now. imho, it is kind of immature to do unto others. i’d be the bigger person, maybe you’ll end up with not just a brother, but a good friend.
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nta two years no contact and he didn't help you. tell him to get fucked.
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nah. he isn't totally at fault for the way he treated you. like you said, his wife was trying to wedge you two apart. she sounds like she was abusive and was trying to isolate him from his support system. now that shes gone, this is a chance to reconcile with him.
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NAH
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NTA
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NAH
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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ESH
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NTA
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NAH
| 0.041243
|
Classify the interpersonal conflict and explain your choice. Your choices are limited to you're the a**hole (yta) when the writer is causing the conflict, not the a**hole (nta) when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict, no a**holes here (nah) when no one is causing the conflict, everyone sucks here (esh) when everyone is causing the conflict, more information needed (info) when a classification cannot be made with the context provided. Conflict context: my brother and i are the only family we have, i'm 26 and he's 29, and we were really close. i got married 7 years ago (yes at 19, i was stupid) to my first wife but that marriage fell apart quickly because we were never really in love, just liked each other and thought we might as well give it a shot. the divorce was really messy and i thought about killing myself just so i don't have to deal with it. i went to my brother and asked him for help (both financial and just support) and he more or less told me to get fucked. his wife was filling his mind with lies about me and to this day i have no clue why she had a personal vendetta against me. eventually the divorce was done, i made it through because my now-wife supported me during it. my brother and i had a relationship after that, but no where near as close as before. i married my wife at 24 and we're still together. some time later i found out his wife was having an affair with a coworker and confronted her about it. he took her side, accused me of trying to drive a wedge between them, and said he wants nothing to do with me anymore. that's about it for the past 2 years, no contact at all. (i'll admit texting his wife calling her a cheating cunt a few times when i was drunk but that's irrelevant). yesterday he called me and said he found out she's been having an affair (with the same guy nonetheless, how do you not investigate that relationship sooner) and he's sorry for not believing me. they're getting a divorce now but my wife is violently opposed to helping him out considering what happened before. i'm considering not responding and moving on with my life. aita if i do so?
|
<s>[INST] <<SYS>>
Classify the interpersonal conflict and explain your choice. Your choices are limited to you're the a**hole (yta) when the writer is causing the conflict, not the a**hole (nta) when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict, no a**holes here (nah) when no one is causing the conflict, everyone sucks here (esh) when everyone is causing the conflict, more information needed (info) when a classification cannot be made with the context provided.
<</SYS>>
my brother and i are the only family we have, i'm 26 and he's 29, and we were really close. i got married 7 years ago (yes at 19, i was stupid) to my first wife but that marriage fell apart quickly because we were never really in love, just liked each other and thought we might as well give it a shot. the divorce was really messy and i thought about killing myself just so i don't have to deal with it. i went to my brother and asked him for help (both financial and just support) and he more or less told me to get fucked. his wife was filling his mind with lies about me and to this day i have no clue why she had a personal vendetta against me. eventually the divorce was done, i made it through because my now-wife supported me during it. my brother and i had a relationship after that, but no where near as close as before. i married my wife at 24 and we're still together. some time later i found out his wife was having an affair with a coworker and confronted her about it. he took her side, accused me of trying to drive a wedge between them, and said he wants nothing to do with me anymore. that's about it for the past 2 years, no contact at all. (i'll admit texting his wife calling her a cheating cunt a few times when i was drunk but that's irrelevant). yesterday he called me and said he found out she's been having an affair (with the same guy nonetheless, how do you not investigate that relationship sooner) and he's sorry for not believing me. they're getting a divorce now but my wife is violently opposed to helping him out considering what happened before. i'm considering not responding and moving on with my life. aita if i do so? [/INST] nah - can’t get away from the past. but since he’s your only family, you might want to keep it civil .....you never know when you might need a kidney. </s>
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AITA for gifting my secret Santa something homemade in stead of spending money to buy something?
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i made my secret santa a painting of all the things she said she liked, i send it too her with some chocolates. now i see that she is really disappointed and angry with receiving that: quoting: "if you participate in redditgifts i think you should be ready to spent some money". in my opinion gifting is about the effort and the thought, but i might be a really unmatrealistic hippy. should i just buy something next time, or was it just an unlucky match?
| 1,723
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https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/egpmpu/aita_for_gifting_my_secret_santa_something/
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2019-12-28 11:11:00
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esh
your heart was in the right place, but remember art is subjective and home decorations can be a very personal thing. what you may think is lovely, she may hate and can't stand to look at, or it may not suit her home.
she's also ta as it's tacky to be so ungrateful over a gift and because $$ was obviously her concern.
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info: did she ask for a painting? because if she asked for idk, a jigsaw puzzle or a cute necklace and you sent her a painting of a cute necklace draped on a jigsaw puzzle box, i could see how that would be disappointing.
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yta. what is she supposed to do with a random painting? if i participated in a gift exchange and spent money on something someone asked for and then got back something i couldn’t even use/enjoy i’d be annoyed too.
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yta.
can’t believe there are still people who enter into gift exchanges *with dollar amounts set* and think it’s appropriate to hand make or skimp on the gifts. it’s tacky and it ruins the spirit. it’s cheap. someone is spending money on you but you’re not really doing the same.
unless your art is so good it’s able to make you money and the person requests it, *no one wants your art as the sole gift.* no coworker or friend wants your art for secret santa. and no, 3 buck (if even that) chocolate doesn’t make it better. what really bothers me is the absolute lack of care or the narcissism that has to go into making the decision to do this. this person has likely never tried to buy art from you or requested any and this person is likely spending their own cash on someone else a gift. why on earth would you think it’s appropriate to gift her your handmade stuff given those factors?
if you aren’t willing to spend the money and work to figure out what the person would *actually* want to receive, don’t participate. leave your handmade goods for close family who love you too much to say how they truly feel about it.
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i'm not going to pass judgement here and this is the first time i've posted in aita (i like reading) but having participated in secret santa for the first time this year one of the most common things i saw was people saying and in the faqs etc..
was
"ask them if they are ok with homemade""post in your likes/dislikes if you like homemade or are willing to accept home made""there is a minimum spend and they do say if you cant afford it - don't sign up. homemade doesn't get around this"
you may have made an awesome painting, that loads of people would have loved - but not every one appreciates homemade. especially 'art' it is very subjective, i "hate" a lot of art that people think is amazing - but then again one of the favourite things i got for christmas was a "child's penguin night light" because it is awesome.
i get what you did was what you thought of as "nice" but obviously not what your giftee was interested in - next year, ask, read the faqs etc.. i'm very nearly classifying you as ta for not reading up on the gift process or the faqs or any of the many many many posts about home made - but i can't and i wont because i get what you tried to do and i know how long homemade stuff can take. if i built and painted a warhammer figure for someone, the time alone would be more then the $20.
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yta. i’m a big fan of homemade gifts in general but not in this circumstance. this person agreed to a gift exchange that i’m assuming had a certain appropriate dollar amount specified. they presumably spent that money on someone else and were under the impression that they’d receive the same. instead they got a painting by a stranger and who knows if it’s even any good. someone who loves you might be touched by the thought but not a stranger. and the fact that your comments are accusing her of being selfish for wanting to get back into the program what she put in definitely makes you ta.
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i think we’re going to need to see the painting.
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i feel like this is a tough one to judge without seeing the painting, but i’m going with a gentle esh. i can tell your intentions are good, but as others have said art and home decor are extremely subjective, so gifting something like that to a stranger is just not the greatest idea. they shouldn’t have been so publicly ungrateful about it either. learn and apply it to next year’s festivities is all you can do.
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jesus this sub becomes more screwed by the day!
yta- if the homemade gift was good enough for a replacement of a purchased present, youd be making money from it as a business. so chances are you think it's good and its probably something similar to child scribbles that's handed to parents. just because you put effort in doesn't mean it was a good gift. your talent could be seriously lacking. and when it comes to the reddit ss there is a clear precedent set that you buy something, set over years if it happening. imagine one if you family members gave a drawing their child scribbled after you spent a 100 bucks on them. i'm not saying you have to splash the cash but buying something small to go with you homemade gift is what you should of done. unfortunatly homemade gifts come across as lack of effort for some reason
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yta-no matter your intentions, you sound cheap.
i love to paint, but if someone gave me a painting with "all of the things i like" that would tacky as fucking hell and what the fuck am i supposed to do with it?
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ESH
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INFO
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YTA
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YTA
| null |
YTA
| null |
ESH
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YTA
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YTA
| 0.022097
|
Classify the interpersonal conflict and explain your choice. Your choices are limited to you're the a**hole (yta) when the writer is causing the conflict, not the a**hole (nta) when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict, no a**holes here (nah) when no one is causing the conflict, everyone sucks here (esh) when everyone is causing the conflict, more information needed (info) when a classification cannot be made with the context provided. Conflict context: i made my secret santa a painting of all the things she said she liked, i send it too her with some chocolates. now i see that she is really disappointed and angry with receiving that: quoting: "if you participate in redditgifts i think you should be ready to spent some money". in my opinion gifting is about the effort and the thought, but i might be a really unmatrealistic hippy. should i just buy something next time, or was it just an unlucky match?
|
<s>[INST] <<SYS>>
Classify the interpersonal conflict and explain your choice. Your choices are limited to you're the a**hole (yta) when the writer is causing the conflict, not the a**hole (nta) when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict, no a**holes here (nah) when no one is causing the conflict, everyone sucks here (esh) when everyone is causing the conflict, more information needed (info) when a classification cannot be made with the context provided.
<</SYS>>
i made my secret santa a painting of all the things she said she liked, i send it too her with some chocolates. now i see that she is really disappointed and angry with receiving that: quoting: "if you participate in redditgifts i think you should be ready to spent some money". in my opinion gifting is about the effort and the thought, but i might be a really unmatrealistic hippy. should i just buy something next time, or was it just an unlucky match? [/INST] esh your heart was in the right place, but remember art is subjective and home decorations can be a very personal thing. what you may think is lovely, she may hate and can't stand to look at, or it may not suit her home. she's also ta as it's tacky to be so ungrateful over a gift and because $$ was obviously her concern. </s>
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AITA for causing my mother-in-law to take away some of my sister-in-law books?
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we’re visiting my in-laws and my sister-in-law was telling me about all of the books she’s recently read and bought as we both like reading. i’ve read some of these books and i wasn’t sure if she should be reading them as she’s 16 and some of them are pretty explicit and don’t exactly have the healthiest romances.
i told my husband about the books and he told his parents. my mother-in-law ended up asking me to point out which ones i knew were too mature for her and she confiscated them. my sister-in-law is mad at me as she isn’t going to get the books back as my mother-in-law is planning to donate them and she’s no longer allowed to buy whatever books she wants.
aita?
| 12,178
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https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/zjwmr5/aita_for_causing_my_motherinlaw_to_take_away_some/
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2022-12-12 11:42:09
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yta, but in a rather sad way.
you coud've used your fear of her developing an unhealthy image of romance as an opportunity to talk to her about that exact issue.
&#x200b;
if you wanted her to be safe you should've used your relationship with her in order to educate her on why these books might portray an unhealthy image and advise her to read with caution. you won't be able to control what she consumes ever, not with the internet and social media present, but you threw away the opportunity to be her guide.
&#x200b;
now you've taken away not only her books, but managed to teach her that she can't trust you instead.
|
oh lord. yta.
she is 16 and reads. y'all should jump with joy for that fact alone. and let me reiterate, **she is 16**. she most likely has access to the internet, and excuse me for being blunt, if she wants to read (or write) smut fiction or watch porn, she most certainly has her ways to do exactly that.
not to mention she already did read the books in question. while re-reading books is a thing, most people don't do it that often. you know, you could have talked with her about the stuff she read, and find out what she thinks about it at all. have a healthy discussion. might have turned out that she has very reasonable thoughts, you know?
in school, she might be reading pride and prejudice - or to kill a mockingbird. speaking of not having the healthiest romances, amirite. and despite all of this, she still enjoys reading. let the kid read, and give the books back. or replace them. you need to apologize, wtf is wrong with y'all. i am disgusted and angry.
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yta. overstep much? i was reading freaking v.c. andrews at 13 and i turned out ok......depending on who you ask.
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yta.
censorship’s a bitch and you now taught a 16 year old to never show her hobbies or interests to anyone for the rest of her life. unless she’s 10 trying to read mein kampf whatever a growing teen reads is fine. fiction doesnt equal reality. your daft if you believe that.
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yta, she's 16, not 11
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yta - welcome to never having a relationship with your sil ever again. and on top of that, you may have just caused a rift in your sil's relationship with her mother.
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yta and you are also a snitch. if i were her, i wouldn't tell you anything else ever again.
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yta as is your husband.
she's 16 and doesn't need you policing her sarah j maas books.
i suggest you give her an apology and a kindle.
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yta - what you are describing there is censorship. your sil is an intelligent young woman capable of critical thought so should be able to read whatever she wants without you and her mother deciding what is and isnt appropriate. the fact that you were reading similar books at her age makes you not only an asshole but a hypocrite as well.
youve also undoubtedly ruined your relationship with the sil. shes unlikely to trust you ever again.
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yta. no one likes a snitch. my guess is you just caused a strain between you and your sister in law’s relationship
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YTA
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YTA
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YTA
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YTA
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YTA
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YTA
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YTA
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YTA
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YTA
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YTA
| 0
|
Classify the interpersonal conflict and explain your choice. Your choices are limited to you're the a**hole (yta) when the writer is causing the conflict, not the a**hole (nta) when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict, no a**holes here (nah) when no one is causing the conflict, everyone sucks here (esh) when everyone is causing the conflict, more information needed (info) when a classification cannot be made with the context provided. Conflict context: we’re visiting my in-laws and my sister-in-law was telling me about all of the books she’s recently read and bought as we both like reading. i’ve read some of these books and i wasn’t sure if she should be reading them as she’s 16 and some of them are pretty explicit and don’t exactly have the healthiest romances. i told my husband about the books and he told his parents. my mother-in-law ended up asking me to point out which ones i knew were too mature for her and she confiscated them. my sister-in-law is mad at me as she isn’t going to get the books back as my mother-in-law is planning to donate them and she’s no longer allowed to buy whatever books she wants. aita?
|
<s>[INST] <<SYS>>
Classify the interpersonal conflict and explain your choice. Your choices are limited to you're the a**hole (yta) when the writer is causing the conflict, not the a**hole (nta) when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict, no a**holes here (nah) when no one is causing the conflict, everyone sucks here (esh) when everyone is causing the conflict, more information needed (info) when a classification cannot be made with the context provided.
<</SYS>>
we’re visiting my in-laws and my sister-in-law was telling me about all of the books she’s recently read and bought as we both like reading. i’ve read some of these books and i wasn’t sure if she should be reading them as she’s 16 and some of them are pretty explicit and don’t exactly have the healthiest romances. i told my husband about the books and he told his parents. my mother-in-law ended up asking me to point out which ones i knew were too mature for her and she confiscated them. my sister-in-law is mad at me as she isn’t going to get the books back as my mother-in-law is planning to donate them and she’s no longer allowed to buy whatever books she wants. aita? [/INST] yta, but in a rather sad way. you coud've used your fear of her developing an unhealthy image of romance as an opportunity to talk to her about that exact issue. &#x200b; if you wanted her to be safe you should've used your relationship with her in order to educate her on why these books might portray an unhealthy image and advise her to read with caution. you won't be able to control what she consumes ever, not with the internet and social media present, but you threw away the opportunity to be her guide. &#x200b; now you've taken away not only her books, but managed to teach her that she can't trust you instead. </s>
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AITA For refusing to stop putting out food for the ducks and geese in my neighborhood
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i live in a northern climate and have always put out food for ducks and geese. i put out cracked corn, oats, and sometimes some veggie scraps from my cooking. i used to only do it during the winter when i know food can be scarce, but after a few years i started having ducks and geese come to my yard during the spring, looking for food, so i started putting stuff out for them year-round. there are no regulations regarding this in the city where i live and for the most part i haven't had any problems with neighbors. until recently.
my next-door neighbors, a family of 4, are in the process of selling their house. the housing market where we live has been crazy so far this year and houses are selling incredibly fast and in many cases, for far more than asking price. except my neighbors house has been on the market since before xmas and still hasn't sold.
like the majority of houses in my neighborhood, it's an old 50s-style rambler that is in need of some work and updating. but it has not sold yet and my neighbors are blaming me for it. they say that whenever they have a showing or an open house my yard is filled with ducks and geese and it turns off potential buyers. they angrily demanded, not asked, that i stop feeding the ducks and geese so that they can sell their home.
i told them that their home not selling was not my problem and that i would continue to put food out for the ducks and geese like i always have. they threatened to call the city and the police and i told them to go ahead. sure enough, i got a visit from the city and they asked some questions about the type of food i put out for the birds and asked me to prove that i was indeed putting out food suitable for them. they left satisfied with my answers and told me that i was doing nothing wrong according to city regulations.
last weekend my neighbors had another open house and as usual, my yard had a few ducks and geese in it. less than usual as there are plenty of other food options available to them now, but maybe a dozen total birds. after the open house the husband of the family came over and knocked on my door and started yelling at my that they had 2 potential buyers back out of deals directly because of me feeding the birds. he just kept yelling at me that it was my fault they can't sell their house and that i am the one obstacle keeping them from moving.
i was very uncomfortable with how aggressive he seemed so i told him that he needed to leave my property or i was going to call the cops. he left but he called me a bunch of names as he walked away and the whole encounter left me kind of rattled.
i live alone and feeding the birds is one of the few joys i have in my life. am i an asshole for refusing to stop? should i just stop until their house sells?
| 2,812
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https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/mhcz5l/aita_for_refusing_to_stop_putting_out_food_for/
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2021-03-31 18:54:47
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esh.
the way your neighbor handled this situation was wrong.
from a wildlife perspective, you should not make what sounds like a hoard of geese dependent on you for survival. that’s a problem from an ecological perspective. when you said a few geese i thought you meant like 5. if 12 is a small amount, then that’s a problem.
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yta - goose shit is no joke. i wouldn't want to live near the asshole whose yard is full of the green cheetos either.
|
esh you may not be breaking a rule, but you are purposely attracting more wildlife to your area than would naturally be there. that’s noise, that’s poop, that no one else living by you can avoid. i can’t stand my neighbors who do this because it attracts squirrels and raccoons that break into attic spaces and basements or scratch up our balconies. it’s all extra wear and tear that we don’t want. go the park and feed the birds if you absolutely have to.
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yta. you are in a residential neighborhood attracting wildlife on purpose. just because it’s legal doesn’t mean it’s right. wonder how much bird shit they leave all over the place and the noise levels.
of course they shouldn’t have yelled and intimidated you but we are here to judge you!
|
yta. our next door neighbor installed bird feeders in his back yard. the birds pooped in our yard which caused an infestation of biting flies. the flies bit our dogs’ ears so badly that they bled.
geese can be aggressive. goose bites are painful.
wild birds can carry diseases, such as toxoplasmosis, that are dangerous to humans and domestic animals.
geese and ducks are noisy.
your belief that your neighbors should tolerate all of this because you enjoy feeding wildlife shoes that you are self centered.
|
esh while you may not be doing anything illegal, there are some issues with drawing a large number of ducks/geese to your house. c'mon, you know that. why don't you stop doing this so your demanding neighbor can sell his house and get out of your hair? it would be a win-win.
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yta - goose shit is nasty. you're also creating a hazard for vehicles, pedestrians, children, and pets.
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yta. it's very plausible that tons of ducks and geese right next door is driving people away from their property. i'd be pissed too. geese are mean as hell and shit everywhere and most people do not want to have to deal with that. it would be a huge negative for me when considering houses if there's tons of geese in the area. they're also mean to kids and pets. it may not be illegal where you are, but it's illegal in a lot of places for good reason. not to mention the ecological impacts of making local populations of ducks and geese dependent on you for food. yta and feed the ducks at the park if you must but your actions here do not just affect you.
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yta. don't feed wildlife. it never ends well.
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esh, but only because they approached the situation so poorly. if you want to be extra awesome (since you love feeding the birds) you may want to mediate with them and calmly and respectfully discuss that you could feed the birds further away from the house towards the back of your property if possible or something like that.
however, in general, what you're doing is not likely respectful to any nearby neighbors. a dozen geese being smaller than usual - that's already a lot of geese. i used to work at a place that had geese all over and when i did, it was a nightmare - goose poop everywhere. despite loving geese, it was the only thing i hated about working there and the poop all over made the property look disgusting since no one cleaned. i can't imagine having to live with it at my home, so i would have respectfully approached you and talked about it in a way where we could reach a compromise.
my two cents - and i hope your neighbors calm down and you keep doing things you love, but in a way that's respectful of other people's enjoyment of life, too!
|
ESH
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YTA
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ESH
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YTA
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YTA
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ESH
|
YTA
|
YTA
|
YTA
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ESH
| 0.009798
|
Classify the interpersonal conflict and explain your choice. Your choices are limited to you're the a**hole (yta) when the writer is causing the conflict, not the a**hole (nta) when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict, no a**holes here (nah) when no one is causing the conflict, everyone sucks here (esh) when everyone is causing the conflict, more information needed (info) when a classification cannot be made with the context provided. Conflict context: i live in a northern climate and have always put out food for ducks and geese. i put out cracked corn, oats, and sometimes some veggie scraps from my cooking. i used to only do it during the winter when i know food can be scarce, but after a few years i started having ducks and geese come to my yard during the spring, looking for food, so i started putting stuff out for them year-round. there are no regulations regarding this in the city where i live and for the most part i haven't had any problems with neighbors. until recently. my next-door neighbors, a family of 4, are in the process of selling their house. the housing market where we live has been crazy so far this year and houses are selling incredibly fast and in many cases, for far more than asking price. except my neighbors house has been on the market since before xmas and still hasn't sold. like the majority of houses in my neighborhood, it's an old 50s-style rambler that is in need of some work and updating. but it has not sold yet and my neighbors are blaming me for it. they say that whenever they have a showing or an open house my yard is filled with ducks and geese and it turns off potential buyers. they angrily demanded, not asked, that i stop feeding the ducks and geese so that they can sell their home. i told them that their home not selling was not my problem and that i would continue to put food out for the ducks and geese like i always have. they threatened to call the city and the police and i told them to go ahead. sure enough, i got a visit from the city and they asked some questions about the type of food i put out for the birds and asked me to prove that i was indeed putting out food suitable for them. they left satisfied with my answers and told me that i was doing nothing wrong according to city regulations. last weekend my neighbors had another open house and as usual, my yard had a few ducks and geese in it. less than usual as there are plenty of other food options available to them now, but maybe a dozen total birds. after the open house the husband of the family came over and knocked on my door and started yelling at my that they had 2 potential buyers back out of deals directly because of me feeding the birds. he just kept yelling at me that it was my fault they can't sell their house and that i am the one obstacle keeping them from moving. i was very uncomfortable with how aggressive he seemed so i told him that he needed to leave my property or i was going to call the cops. he left but he called me a bunch of names as he walked away and the whole encounter left me kind of rattled. i live alone and feeding the birds is one of the few joys i have in my life. am i an asshole for refusing to stop? should i just stop until their house sells?
|
<s>[INST] <<SYS>>
Classify the interpersonal conflict and explain your choice. Your choices are limited to you're the a**hole (yta) when the writer is causing the conflict, not the a**hole (nta) when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict, no a**holes here (nah) when no one is causing the conflict, everyone sucks here (esh) when everyone is causing the conflict, more information needed (info) when a classification cannot be made with the context provided.
<</SYS>>
i live in a northern climate and have always put out food for ducks and geese. i put out cracked corn, oats, and sometimes some veggie scraps from my cooking. i used to only do it during the winter when i know food can be scarce, but after a few years i started having ducks and geese come to my yard during the spring, looking for food, so i started putting stuff out for them year-round. there are no regulations regarding this in the city where i live and for the most part i haven't had any problems with neighbors. until recently. my next-door neighbors, a family of 4, are in the process of selling their house. the housing market where we live has been crazy so far this year and houses are selling incredibly fast and in many cases, for far more than asking price. except my neighbors house has been on the market since before xmas and still hasn't sold. like the majority of houses in my neighborhood, it's an old 50s-style rambler that is in need of some work and updating. but it has not sold yet and my neighbors are blaming me for it. they say that whenever they have a showing or an open house my yard is filled with ducks and geese and it turns off potential buyers. they angrily demanded, not asked, that i stop feeding the ducks and geese so that they can sell their home. i told them that their home not selling was not my problem and that i would continue to put food out for the ducks and geese like i always have. they threatened to call the city and the police and i told them to go ahead. sure enough, i got a visit from the city and they asked some questions about the type of food i put out for the birds and asked me to prove that i was indeed putting out food suitable for them. they left satisfied with my answers and told me that i was doing nothing wrong according to city regulations. last weekend my neighbors had another open house and as usual, my yard had a few ducks and geese in it. less than usual as there are plenty of other food options available to them now, but maybe a dozen total birds. after the open house the husband of the family came over and knocked on my door and started yelling at my that they had 2 potential buyers back out of deals directly because of me feeding the birds. he just kept yelling at me that it was my fault they can't sell their house and that i am the one obstacle keeping them from moving. i was very uncomfortable with how aggressive he seemed so i told him that he needed to leave my property or i was going to call the cops. he left but he called me a bunch of names as he walked away and the whole encounter left me kind of rattled. i live alone and feeding the birds is one of the few joys i have in my life. am i an asshole for refusing to stop? should i just stop until their house sells? [/INST] esh. the way your neighbor handled this situation was wrong. from a wildlife perspective, you should not make what sounds like a hoard of geese dependent on you for survival. that’s a problem from an ecological perspective. when you said a few geese i thought you meant like 5. if 12 is a small amount, then that’s a problem. </s>
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AITA for telling my best friend if she chooses to have a baby she can’t come on a vacation I paid for with me?
|
okay i know the title sounds harsh but everyone i have spoke to about this doesn’t think i’m in the wrong but she is mad at me and barely speaking to me anymore. so i (21f) bought me and my best friend (20f) tickets to go to vegas for a few days as this year we are turning 21 (she will be 21 before we go and i had my b-day a month ago). she recently found out she was pregnant and was going back and forth between getting an abortion or keeping the baby and i told her i will support her with any decision she decides. she has gotten comfortable with the idea that she is having the baby and has even told some people around her. she found out she was about a month and a half along and if she decides to have the baby she will be around four months when we go. this morning i had a conversation with a few coworkers and i told them the situation and how if we go i don’t wanna be held back by her and i especially don’t want to drink alone and all my coworkers agreed with me. i voiced these thoughts to her later in the day and she asked me to just cancel the trip and we can do it another time which it’s too late to get my money back but she insisted that would be better then me going alone and i told her i didn’t want to lose that much money and i can take another friend, my cousin, or my boyfriend. i also told her after she has the kid and can go on vacation we can always book another trip and celebrate 21 as if we just turned 21. she has kept me on read all day after i said this and won’t answer my calls. i love my best friend and i will love and spoil her child i just don’t want our vacation to be ruined by me drinking on my own and her complaining about whatever pregnant people complain about.
| 2,827
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https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/obc467/aita_for_telling_my_best_friend_if_she_chooses_to/
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2021-07-01 02:20:22
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nah. stop calling her, and let her be for a couple of days. she's disappointed, and having some fomo right now. she's still adjusting to the idea of her whole life changing, and not being able to do some of the things she thought she would.
after a couple of days, reach out again and tell her you're really looking forward to being an auntie and you will have fun trips together in the future, just not right now.
|
nta
i actually took a trip with a pregnant friend many (twenty-nine) years ago. i had bought the tickets and invited her along with me.
it sucked.
her husband had a huge list of rules that he wanted followed to protect the baby. they were reasonable (things like “no bungie jumping” or “moshing”), but having a list of forbidden activities was a downer.
i’m not a big drinker, but i felt bad having any liquor around her. sometimes it’s nice to have a stupid, umbrella decorated, disgustingly sweet, alcoholic beverage poolside: without feeling guilty about it.
invite someone else on the trip. her circumstances have changed, and you can always plan another trip at a later date.
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nah
take another friend and **enjoy yourself!**
everyone's got different priorities in life, and *there's nothing wrong* with planning a trip that involves getting faded af.
better dealing with this, eyes open, now, rather than with a lot of side-eye and passive aggression during the actual trip.
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nta- pregnant in vegas legit sounds like hell.
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nta- if you didn’t go it would be a waste of money and she has to understand that her not drinking and being pregnant means the holiday will be less fun
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did you actually phrase it how you did in the title?
if the title is just exaggerated then it's nah.
take it from someone that is *very* unexpectedly pregnant. she's just starting to come to terms with her life turning upside down. she's still in a very big unknown territory as to how life is gonna go. a trip that isn't for a few months is not going to be her priority, as it shouldn't be at this stage.
>if we go i don’t wanna be held back by her
if you actually said that i can see why she went on the defensive. it's *quite* the isolating comment to make about someone you love. it would make many people feel like shit, like they were an inconvenience instead of a loved one.
this discussion had to be had, but her reaction is very understandable as well.
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nta - she can't expect you to just flush all that money down the drain... take someone else, since she doesn't want to go. you can party with her somewhere else later.
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nta. the money’s already spent and she won’t be able to enjoy the trip to it’s fullest because of her pregnancy. it’s not fair for her to expect you to not go because of her situation.
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oof. i wanna say nah. you want to spend the time you planned for, but it seems like she still needs some time to adjust to the new situation. maybe do something small and sweet for her - a baby basket, maybe? this decision seems to have been hard for her and she might not be fully ready to accept the consequences and changes yet, which is okay. having a child after just barely turning 21 isn't exactly the norm anymore and her life is about to change, in a huge way. be there for her, maybe don't take this situation right now to personal. i think there is a lot going on on an emotional level for her right now.
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nta. just cancel it? she’s certainly catching on to that entitled parent attitude quickly!
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NAH
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NTA
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NAH
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NTA
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NTA
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NAH
|
NTA
|
NTA
|
NAH
|
NTA
| 0.009798
|
Classify the interpersonal conflict and explain your choice. Your choices are limited to you're the a**hole (yta) when the writer is causing the conflict, not the a**hole (nta) when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict, no a**holes here (nah) when no one is causing the conflict, everyone sucks here (esh) when everyone is causing the conflict, more information needed (info) when a classification cannot be made with the context provided. Conflict context: okay i know the title sounds harsh but everyone i have spoke to about this doesn’t think i’m in the wrong but she is mad at me and barely speaking to me anymore. so i (21f) bought me and my best friend (20f) tickets to go to vegas for a few days as this year we are turning 21 (she will be 21 before we go and i had my b-day a month ago). she recently found out she was pregnant and was going back and forth between getting an abortion or keeping the baby and i told her i will support her with any decision she decides. she has gotten comfortable with the idea that she is having the baby and has even told some people around her. she found out she was about a month and a half along and if she decides to have the baby she will be around four months when we go. this morning i had a conversation with a few coworkers and i told them the situation and how if we go i don’t wanna be held back by her and i especially don’t want to drink alone and all my coworkers agreed with me. i voiced these thoughts to her later in the day and she asked me to just cancel the trip and we can do it another time which it’s too late to get my money back but she insisted that would be better then me going alone and i told her i didn’t want to lose that much money and i can take another friend, my cousin, or my boyfriend. i also told her after she has the kid and can go on vacation we can always book another trip and celebrate 21 as if we just turned 21. she has kept me on read all day after i said this and won’t answer my calls. i love my best friend and i will love and spoil her child i just don’t want our vacation to be ruined by me drinking on my own and her complaining about whatever pregnant people complain about.
|
<s>[INST] <<SYS>>
Classify the interpersonal conflict and explain your choice. Your choices are limited to you're the a**hole (yta) when the writer is causing the conflict, not the a**hole (nta) when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict, no a**holes here (nah) when no one is causing the conflict, everyone sucks here (esh) when everyone is causing the conflict, more information needed (info) when a classification cannot be made with the context provided.
<</SYS>>
okay i know the title sounds harsh but everyone i have spoke to about this doesn’t think i’m in the wrong but she is mad at me and barely speaking to me anymore. so i (21f) bought me and my best friend (20f) tickets to go to vegas for a few days as this year we are turning 21 (she will be 21 before we go and i had my b-day a month ago). she recently found out she was pregnant and was going back and forth between getting an abortion or keeping the baby and i told her i will support her with any decision she decides. she has gotten comfortable with the idea that she is having the baby and has even told some people around her. she found out she was about a month and a half along and if she decides to have the baby she will be around four months when we go. this morning i had a conversation with a few coworkers and i told them the situation and how if we go i don’t wanna be held back by her and i especially don’t want to drink alone and all my coworkers agreed with me. i voiced these thoughts to her later in the day and she asked me to just cancel the trip and we can do it another time which it’s too late to get my money back but she insisted that would be better then me going alone and i told her i didn’t want to lose that much money and i can take another friend, my cousin, or my boyfriend. i also told her after she has the kid and can go on vacation we can always book another trip and celebrate 21 as if we just turned 21. she has kept me on read all day after i said this and won’t answer my calls. i love my best friend and i will love and spoil her child i just don’t want our vacation to be ruined by me drinking on my own and her complaining about whatever pregnant people complain about. [/INST] nah. stop calling her, and let her be for a couple of days. she's disappointed, and having some fomo right now. she's still adjusting to the idea of her whole life changing, and not being able to do some of the things she thought she would. after a couple of days, reach out again and tell her you're really looking forward to being an auntie and you will have fun trips together in the future, just not right now. </s>
|
AITA for going no-contact with my parents after learning they had lied to me about my allergies all my life?
|
hey everyone. i am 19 years old and my parents are in their 50s.
for as long as i can remember, i have been allergic to several things:
* dairy
* wheat/flour/gluten
* legumes
since i was a young child, my parents have completely kept all of them out of our house. while other kids ate breakfast cereals, i ate fish and assorted pickled vegetables for breakfast. while other kids had lunchables, i had grilled chicken or fish with, again, assorted vegetables (usually sweet potatoes). while other kids ate birthday cake at the birthday party, i had an apple.
i never questioned this until a couple of months ago. i was at my aunt's house for my birthday party, and she made brownies for everyone. for me, she took great steps to make them with almond flour and avoided all of my allergies. i started eating them and thought little of it until my aunt suddenly looked at me and, in a panicked way, asked which plate i took the brownies from. i pointed from the one where i got my brownies, and she immediately stood up and told me we had to get my epipen. she raced to ask my mother for it, and i sat there scared out of my mind because i had never mistakenly eaten flour before.
i noticed my mother had calmed her down, and then she said that we don't have to worry because she had switched the plates of brownies, and after all i had eaten the ones made with almond flour. i found this incredibly odd because, really, why would she swap the plates? that doesn't even make sense. but for the time being i let the issue rest.
it didn't sit well with me for about a week and i finally went to get an allergy test. the doctor started with a skin prick test, and lo and behold, i didn't react to any of the above substances. then he ordered a blood test, and when the results came in, they said that i had absolutely no intolerance to any of the foods i'm supposed to be allergic to.
i was furious and called my mother. she eventually admitted that she lied to me because she wanted me to be on a paleolithic diet, and wanted me to be able to avoid all temptations. she raised me with a lie about her own health, but she keeps insisting that i try to see it from her perspective. she spams my phone with messages about how healthy i am--that i never had acne, that i have been in great shape my whole life, that i have strong teeth and bones, and even that i got onto a d1 college tennis team.
she has started calling me ungrateful for her intervention and insisting that i really should be glad i never got "carb addicted." i don't know what to think. i carried around an epipen for all those years--one that i suspect may be fake seeing as my mother never got me to replace it--and i don't even know anymore.
am i the asshole and an ungrateful son for losing it over this?
| 27,562
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/h808dd/aita_for_going_nocontact_with_my_parents_after/
|
2020-06-13 04:07:22
|
nta- you spent your entire life thinking that you could easily die because your mom wanted you on a special diet??? allergies are incredibly serious and while you can grow out of them, to be lied to is unnecessary. what your mom did was manipulative and poor parenting. she easily could have had you on a diet like that without lying and making you fear for your life.
|
nta.
also, tell your aunt about your mom's lie.
she should know that your mom made her put in extra effort for who knows how many times, and caused her to go into a panic about you potentially having an allergic reaction, when in reality your mom had lied about your allergies. i feel bad your aunt went through that.
what your mom did was so terrible. she needs to face the consequences for her actions. cut contact until she understands just how bad her actions were.
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nta. your mom sounds like those vegan/vegetarian people who don't feed their dogs/cats meat
|
nta-please try out cheese, you won't regret
|
no, you’re nta, and you may want to check out a subreddit called r/raisedbynarcissists, you might find the support you need to get through this :)
|
absolutely positively not the asshole. she can't raise her kid on a lie and expect him to be on with it, no matter how you turned out. you missed out on sweets as a kid and lunchables, which are wonderful. and i feel like she lied about switching the plates just to calm her down. she wouldn't have known which plate you were gonna eat from.
|
nta
that could even be described as munchausen syndrome by proxy (msbp) what your mother did. to maintain such a lie for so long. wow.
but oh my, you get to try all the cheeses now! and legumes! you shall feast
|
nta she lied while probably extolling the virtues of truth, some insight and acknowledgment from her about that would do wonders, but seeing that she doubled down based on her giving you no credit for the positives you have achieved through you own actions and not because she lied to you and seeming to shame you for not being grateful: she’s the asshole.
|
[deleted]
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nta. she did not need to do this. many people grow on different diets and food restrictions without needing to be lied to. it's not about temptation, it's about education. if she went so far as to always make food and desserts that didn't have the things she told you are allergic, she didn't need to lie.
now you know the truth and not only ruined your relationship with her, erased all trust you had on her, it will also make you consume everything you couldn't. and i say, go for it! choose your own diet and keep away for some time. now that she doesn't control this part of you anymore, she can get a little crazy.
|
NTA
|
NTA
|
NTA
|
NTA
|
NTA
|
NTA
|
NTA
|
NTA
| null |
NTA
| 0
|
Classify the interpersonal conflict and explain your choice. Your choices are limited to you're the a**hole (yta) when the writer is causing the conflict, not the a**hole (nta) when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict, no a**holes here (nah) when no one is causing the conflict, everyone sucks here (esh) when everyone is causing the conflict, more information needed (info) when a classification cannot be made with the context provided. Conflict context: hey everyone. i am 19 years old and my parents are in their 50s. for as long as i can remember, i have been allergic to several things: * dairy * wheat/flour/gluten * legumes since i was a young child, my parents have completely kept all of them out of our house. while other kids ate breakfast cereals, i ate fish and assorted pickled vegetables for breakfast. while other kids had lunchables, i had grilled chicken or fish with, again, assorted vegetables (usually sweet potatoes). while other kids ate birthday cake at the birthday party, i had an apple. i never questioned this until a couple of months ago. i was at my aunt's house for my birthday party, and she made brownies for everyone. for me, she took great steps to make them with almond flour and avoided all of my allergies. i started eating them and thought little of it until my aunt suddenly looked at me and, in a panicked way, asked which plate i took the brownies from. i pointed from the one where i got my brownies, and she immediately stood up and told me we had to get my epipen. she raced to ask my mother for it, and i sat there scared out of my mind because i had never mistakenly eaten flour before. i noticed my mother had calmed her down, and then she said that we don't have to worry because she had switched the plates of brownies, and after all i had eaten the ones made with almond flour. i found this incredibly odd because, really, why would she swap the plates? that doesn't even make sense. but for the time being i let the issue rest. it didn't sit well with me for about a week and i finally went to get an allergy test. the doctor started with a skin prick test, and lo and behold, i didn't react to any of the above substances. then he ordered a blood test, and when the results came in, they said that i had absolutely no intolerance to any of the foods i'm supposed to be allergic to. i was furious and called my mother. she eventually admitted that she lied to me because she wanted me to be on a paleolithic diet, and wanted me to be able to avoid all temptations. she raised me with a lie about her own health, but she keeps insisting that i try to see it from her perspective. she spams my phone with messages about how healthy i am--that i never had acne, that i have been in great shape my whole life, that i have strong teeth and bones, and even that i got onto a d1 college tennis team. she has started calling me ungrateful for her intervention and insisting that i really should be glad i never got "carb addicted." i don't know what to think. i carried around an epipen for all those years--one that i suspect may be fake seeing as my mother never got me to replace it--and i don't even know anymore. am i the asshole and an ungrateful son for losing it over this?
|
<s>[INST] <<SYS>>
Classify the interpersonal conflict and explain your choice. Your choices are limited to you're the a**hole (yta) when the writer is causing the conflict, not the a**hole (nta) when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict, no a**holes here (nah) when no one is causing the conflict, everyone sucks here (esh) when everyone is causing the conflict, more information needed (info) when a classification cannot be made with the context provided.
<</SYS>>
hey everyone. i am 19 years old and my parents are in their 50s. for as long as i can remember, i have been allergic to several things: * dairy * wheat/flour/gluten * legumes since i was a young child, my parents have completely kept all of them out of our house. while other kids ate breakfast cereals, i ate fish and assorted pickled vegetables for breakfast. while other kids had lunchables, i had grilled chicken or fish with, again, assorted vegetables (usually sweet potatoes). while other kids ate birthday cake at the birthday party, i had an apple. i never questioned this until a couple of months ago. i was at my aunt's house for my birthday party, and she made brownies for everyone. for me, she took great steps to make them with almond flour and avoided all of my allergies. i started eating them and thought little of it until my aunt suddenly looked at me and, in a panicked way, asked which plate i took the brownies from. i pointed from the one where i got my brownies, and she immediately stood up and told me we had to get my epipen. she raced to ask my mother for it, and i sat there scared out of my mind because i had never mistakenly eaten flour before. i noticed my mother had calmed her down, and then she said that we don't have to worry because she had switched the plates of brownies, and after all i had eaten the ones made with almond flour. i found this incredibly odd because, really, why would she swap the plates? that doesn't even make sense. but for the time being i let the issue rest. it didn't sit well with me for about a week and i finally went to get an allergy test. the doctor started with a skin prick test, and lo and behold, i didn't react to any of the above substances. then he ordered a blood test, and when the results came in, they said that i had absolutely no intolerance to any of the foods i'm supposed to be allergic to. i was furious and called my mother. she eventually admitted that she lied to me because she wanted me to be on a paleolithic diet, and wanted me to be able to avoid all temptations. she raised me with a lie about her own health, but she keeps insisting that i try to see it from her perspective. she spams my phone with messages about how healthy i am--that i never had acne, that i have been in great shape my whole life, that i have strong teeth and bones, and even that i got onto a d1 college tennis team. she has started calling me ungrateful for her intervention and insisting that i really should be glad i never got "carb addicted." i don't know what to think. i carried around an epipen for all those years--one that i suspect may be fake seeing as my mother never got me to replace it--and i don't even know anymore. am i the asshole and an ungrateful son for losing it over this? [/INST] nta- you spent your entire life thinking that you could easily die because your mom wanted you on a special diet??? allergies are incredibly serious and while you can grow out of them, to be lied to is unnecessary. what your mom did was manipulative and poor parenting. she easily could have had you on a diet like that without lying and making you fear for your life. </s>
|
AITA for warning others about a girl’s STI?
|
honestly don’t think i acted assholish here given her actions, but the severe backlash i’ve received has me open to the idea that i am. hence i’m posting here.
to cut a long story short, i slept with a girl called madison at a toga party. we had both been drinking but not in anyway drunk. just a couple beers. the next morning a friend approached me and asked why i slept with her when she has herpes. i had no idea and obviously would not have slept with her had i known. i was annoyed she did not disclose this and feel she had a moral obligation to do so before sleeping with anyone.
when i confronted her she admitted she has genital herpes but said it wasn’t a big deal, it never flares up, she hasn’t passed it on to anyone etc. i don’t really care for these excuses, and when i pushed her for an apology she said i was being a pansy.
following this incident, i took it upon myself to share her herpes status on our university’s facebook pages anonymously. i did this so that other men (or women, if she swings that way) don’t get tricked also. although it’s obviously me that did it, she can’t prove it, and i haven’t gotten in trouble for it.
that said, she has organised a campaign against me for “slut shaming” and “harassment” against her for the posts, and successfully convinced a few groups of my guilt. the posts in question were literally bland and vanilla: “beware of x. she has genital herpes and does not disclose this fact to those she sleeps with.” absolutely no mean words or slurs.
| 10,190
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https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/ck60ce/aita_for_warning_others_about_a_girls_sti/
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2019-07-31 09:16:19
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esh - she should’ve told you but you shouldn’t have announced it to literally everyone on the university’s facebook page. but also she shouldn’t have organized a slut shaming campaign against you, as that was obviously not your intention. also, as a side note, herpes has a much worse stigma than it deserves.
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nta - and she is by the way. transmitting an incurable disease without warning someone you are infected is a terrible thing to do. good on you for spreading the word. she may be giving you grief, but think about the guys she \~hasn't\~ infected with her std, because you warned them.
also, while i know you're young, don't have sex with people without a recent std test that shows they are clean. you should have one as well to show them. it isn't romantic, or sexy, or fun, but it's better than a life long regret.
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esh, in the uk she has legal obligation to disclose her sti status, so she fucking sucks for not telling you that she has a sti. but you going anonymous and posting on facebook pages its also pretty shitty. you should just have taken it as a lesson in life and moved on. outing her to everyone at you uni is a shit thing to do.
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[removed]
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nta
if she decides she wants to have casual sex, it's fine, but she needs to disclose any stis to anyone she intends to sleep with. what she did to you may actually be a crime where you live. if i were you, i'd reach out to your university counseling for information and i'd get tested yourself. even if she doesn't have symptoms she could still have passed it to you.
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esh, she has a responsibility to disclose to any sexual partners, and you had no right to broadcast it to the world.
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esh yes she should have told you but come on. how is this not screaming obvious in your head that disclosing something like that to everyone isn't ok? she's not going to sleep with everyone and everyone isn't going to sleep with her. my god man, that's sensitive personal info. you are an asshole because doing something in revenge is an asshole thing to do. two wrongs do not make a right.
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esh, she should have told you. maybe she's on antivirals and doesn't have a flare up making transmission unlikely (but not impossible), but still she should have told you.
but man, you fucking spread her incredibly personal business to everyone in your university, and you didn't even have the balls to do it with your own profile. you're definitely an asshole. you may have very well have caused serious damage to her social standing and mental health. i can only hope that she can handle the hate she's doing to get and doesn't do anything stupid to harm herself.
|
esh
she's an asshole for not telling you. but at the end of the day, everyone is responsible for their own sexual health. if you sleep with a stranger, you take a risk. it's not right for you to divulge extremely personal information about someone. the people who sleep with her have their own responsibility and take their own risks. it's up to them to protect themselves, you don't need to assume that responsibility.
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omg yta in so many ways. like seriously go learn about herpes. the chances of you getting herpes from her when she's not having an outbreak is next to 0. something like 30% of the population has herpes that stays asymptomatic and they never have an outbreak. there's a reason clinics don't test for herpes with out a request for it. it because we all have it (well, at least 30% do) and most of us never have a single symptom.
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ESH
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NTA
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ESH
| null |
NTA
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ESH
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ESH
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ESH
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ESH
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YTA
| 0.406083
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Classify the interpersonal conflict and explain your choice. Your choices are limited to you're the a**hole (yta) when the writer is causing the conflict, not the a**hole (nta) when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict, no a**holes here (nah) when no one is causing the conflict, everyone sucks here (esh) when everyone is causing the conflict, more information needed (info) when a classification cannot be made with the context provided. Conflict context: honestly don’t think i acted assholish here given her actions, but the severe backlash i’ve received has me open to the idea that i am. hence i’m posting here. to cut a long story short, i slept with a girl called madison at a toga party. we had both been drinking but not in anyway drunk. just a couple beers. the next morning a friend approached me and asked why i slept with her when she has herpes. i had no idea and obviously would not have slept with her had i known. i was annoyed she did not disclose this and feel she had a moral obligation to do so before sleeping with anyone. when i confronted her she admitted she has genital herpes but said it wasn’t a big deal, it never flares up, she hasn’t passed it on to anyone etc. i don’t really care for these excuses, and when i pushed her for an apology she said i was being a pansy. following this incident, i took it upon myself to share her herpes status on our university’s facebook pages anonymously. i did this so that other men (or women, if she swings that way) don’t get tricked also. although it’s obviously me that did it, she can’t prove it, and i haven’t gotten in trouble for it. that said, she has organised a campaign against me for “slut shaming” and “harassment” against her for the posts, and successfully convinced a few groups of my guilt. the posts in question were literally bland and vanilla: “beware of x. she has genital herpes and does not disclose this fact to those she sleeps with.” absolutely no mean words or slurs.
|
<s>[INST] <<SYS>>
Classify the interpersonal conflict and explain your choice. Your choices are limited to you're the a**hole (yta) when the writer is causing the conflict, not the a**hole (nta) when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict, no a**holes here (nah) when no one is causing the conflict, everyone sucks here (esh) when everyone is causing the conflict, more information needed (info) when a classification cannot be made with the context provided.
<</SYS>>
honestly don’t think i acted assholish here given her actions, but the severe backlash i’ve received has me open to the idea that i am. hence i’m posting here. to cut a long story short, i slept with a girl called madison at a toga party. we had both been drinking but not in anyway drunk. just a couple beers. the next morning a friend approached me and asked why i slept with her when she has herpes. i had no idea and obviously would not have slept with her had i known. i was annoyed she did not disclose this and feel she had a moral obligation to do so before sleeping with anyone. when i confronted her she admitted she has genital herpes but said it wasn’t a big deal, it never flares up, she hasn’t passed it on to anyone etc. i don’t really care for these excuses, and when i pushed her for an apology she said i was being a pansy. following this incident, i took it upon myself to share her herpes status on our university’s facebook pages anonymously. i did this so that other men (or women, if she swings that way) don’t get tricked also. although it’s obviously me that did it, she can’t prove it, and i haven’t gotten in trouble for it. that said, she has organised a campaign against me for “slut shaming” and “harassment” against her for the posts, and successfully convinced a few groups of my guilt. the posts in question were literally bland and vanilla: “beware of x. she has genital herpes and does not disclose this fact to those she sleeps with.” absolutely no mean words or slurs. [/INST] esh - she should’ve told you but you shouldn’t have announced it to literally everyone on the university’s facebook page. but also she shouldn’t have organized a slut shaming campaign against you, as that was obviously not your intention. also, as a side note, herpes has a much worse stigma than it deserves. </s>
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AITA for inviting my dad's girlfriend over my real mom to spend the day with me?
|
my (17f) parents got divorced 6 years ago. my mom quickly remarried and my dad has been seeing his new girlfriend for nearly 2 years now. i now live at mom's house for two weeks, then switch over to dad's house for the next two weeks.
my relationship with my mom has always been difficult. i always felt like my mom wished for a more 'girly' daughter, so we could do classical mother-daughter activities together but i'm simply not that person my mom wants me to be. i've always been more 'tomboyish' and been into sports, especially tennis since was a little girl, something my mom never truly understood or made an effort to be interested in. as a result my mom and i never had the close mother-daughter relationship i feel like my mom wished for us to have.
now my relationship with my dad has been the polar opposite. my dad and i always got along great and i have always been a 'daddy's girl'. but when my dad introduced me to his new girlfriend julia, i instantly disliked her. my younger me thought she was stealing my dad from me. her being relatively young (27 when they began dating), and a - how i unfairly stereotyped her at first - 'vapid pretty girl' certainly didn't make me like her either. but my younger me misjudged her, and she's honestly pretty great. she always supported me, showed in interest in my passions, showed up to my tennis matches - something my mom didn't bother to do - and has been a great person all around. i'm now ashamed to admit this but i didn't recognize this until \~3 months ago and have been acting pretty horrible towards her before that.
the problem: second last weekend i had a tennis tournament where i got second place. for the second place, i won a spa day for me and a guest. i decided to invite julia (my dad's gf) to thank her for supporting me and for dealing with my horrible behavior. you don't believe how happy she was when i invited her. but when i returned to my mom's place on sunday evening my mom kind of assumed i would invite her as my guest for the spa day. she seemed to really look forward to it. when i awkwardly told her that i already invited julia she was disappointed and sad. since then, she has acted downcast and moody, and we haven't really talked. i tried to explain the situation to her, but she won't listen.
now i feel horrible. i feel like really hurt my mom and i feel like i chose julia over her.
aita for inviting my dad's gf over my mom to spend the day with me?
| 10,873
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https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/je1p6k/aita_for_inviting_my_dads_girlfriend_over_my_real/
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2020-10-19 13:32:45
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nah but i can definitely see how this would have hurt your mother. you say she likes girly things and here’s a girly thing but you didn’t want to share it with her.
sit down with your mom, tell her you noticed she’s hurt and you did not intend that, you feel awful, and explain that you invited julia as an apology of sorts to make up for being so awful to her for so long. then let your mom know that you would really love to have a special mother-daughter spa day just with her.
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nah. it was certainly your choice to invite whoever you wanted. it is unfortunate this this major olive branch to julia hurt your mother. i understand why your mom would be sad, but hopefully you’ll both be able to move past it. it could be a good opportunity for a deeper conversation about how you appreciate her and wish you shared more common interests or that she’d take more of an interest in your activities and passions. congrats on placing in the tourney.
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nta she doesn’t even show up to your tennis tournament and is sad you didn’t invite her to a spa you won at the match?
my mom also wouldn’t bother to show up to my sports events. it hurt. as an adult i’ve taken her to the spa and paid for it and she won free gift certificates after and said she’d take me. she let them expire and never brought it up again. i finally asked what happened and she admitted she let them expire and didn’t want to talk about it.
so i have to go with the people that actually care and make an effort that should feel appreciated.
your mom didn’t make an effort and expected you to treat her. that’s not fair of her to expect
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nta. i feel like people are forgetting the fact that op won this during a tennis tournament, something that mom probably never bothered to show up for in the first place.
sure, mom feels bad about the fact that the one "girly" thing op is going to do isn't with her, but i think she has to realize that effort in the relationship needs to go both ways. dad's girlfriend showed up even though she (presumably) didn't like tennis either and in this case is being rewarded for her kindness to come to ops events along with the relationship she was willing to work for and build with op.
if op had won something like a day at a sports complex or something i'd be inclined to believe that mom wouldn't even be upset if op invited the girlfriend instead of her. sure she's going to feel bad about the spa day and maybe spending time with her daughter during an activity she likes, but i see it more of a consequence to the effort she put into the relationship.
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nta. presumably you do other things with your mum and julie is the one who has been supporting you in your tennis, not your mother. would she have been upset if it was one of your friends you invited? if she wants to go to a spa with you, there's nothing stopping her booking it and going with you.
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nah.
while i can see how your mother is hurt by this, you did do the right thing doing a spa-day for your dads gf. your mother will feel hurt a time, but she'll get over it.
may i suggest having a homespa day with your mother? a whole day, just you, her, food that you both prepere and talk crap about former things, not including this?
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nta you want to be with someone who supports you
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nah. you're 17 and believe me, you won't get many such quick opportunities to thank people or make amends (as you did with julia) later on, so make the most of it.
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nta. i can see your mom being excited to spend that time with you but i absolutely understand your reasoning too. the way julia has supported you does deserve to be rewarded. she sounds like she weathered your stormy attitude and came out still supportive and loving.
i originally said n a h, but thinking about your mom’s behavior has me on the edge. she is a grown woman. she is also reaping the lack of rewards from her lack of support.
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nta
i am a parent of a daughter- she is an adult now, but her dad and i divorced when she was only 3.
it's hard, as parents, sometimes to navigate the emotional components of co-parenting, new spouses or partners, etc..however, as adults, it is our job to support our kids, and their decisions.
had my daughter invited her stepmom to a spa day instead of me, i will admit, i would have probably been hurt, however i would never have let my daughter know that! it isn't the child job to pacify the feelings of their parents, unless the kid is deliberately being cruel, which was not the case here.
i almost went with nah, because i understand how your mom feels - however, it is important not to guilt your children in situations such as this, even inadvertently. mom should have sucked it up, listened to you when you wanted to explain your decision making and reasoning, and should have acted like an adult. i am sure your mom is wonderful, but she missed the boat slightly on this one.
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NAH
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NAH
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NAH
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NTA
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NAH
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NTA
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NTA
| 0.009798
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Classify the interpersonal conflict and explain your choice. Your choices are limited to you're the a**hole (yta) when the writer is causing the conflict, not the a**hole (nta) when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict, no a**holes here (nah) when no one is causing the conflict, everyone sucks here (esh) when everyone is causing the conflict, more information needed (info) when a classification cannot be made with the context provided. Conflict context: my (17f) parents got divorced 6 years ago. my mom quickly remarried and my dad has been seeing his new girlfriend for nearly 2 years now. i now live at mom's house for two weeks, then switch over to dad's house for the next two weeks. my relationship with my mom has always been difficult. i always felt like my mom wished for a more 'girly' daughter, so we could do classical mother-daughter activities together but i'm simply not that person my mom wants me to be. i've always been more 'tomboyish' and been into sports, especially tennis since was a little girl, something my mom never truly understood or made an effort to be interested in. as a result my mom and i never had the close mother-daughter relationship i feel like my mom wished for us to have. now my relationship with my dad has been the polar opposite. my dad and i always got along great and i have always been a 'daddy's girl'. but when my dad introduced me to his new girlfriend julia, i instantly disliked her. my younger me thought she was stealing my dad from me. her being relatively young (27 when they began dating), and a - how i unfairly stereotyped her at first - 'vapid pretty girl' certainly didn't make me like her either. but my younger me misjudged her, and she's honestly pretty great. she always supported me, showed in interest in my passions, showed up to my tennis matches - something my mom didn't bother to do - and has been a great person all around. i'm now ashamed to admit this but i didn't recognize this until \~3 months ago and have been acting pretty horrible towards her before that. the problem: second last weekend i had a tennis tournament where i got second place. for the second place, i won a spa day for me and a guest. i decided to invite julia (my dad's gf) to thank her for supporting me and for dealing with my horrible behavior. you don't believe how happy she was when i invited her. but when i returned to my mom's place on sunday evening my mom kind of assumed i would invite her as my guest for the spa day. she seemed to really look forward to it. when i awkwardly told her that i already invited julia she was disappointed and sad. since then, she has acted downcast and moody, and we haven't really talked. i tried to explain the situation to her, but she won't listen. now i feel horrible. i feel like really hurt my mom and i feel like i chose julia over her. aita for inviting my dad's gf over my mom to spend the day with me?
|
<s>[INST] <<SYS>>
Classify the interpersonal conflict and explain your choice. Your choices are limited to you're the a**hole (yta) when the writer is causing the conflict, not the a**hole (nta) when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict, no a**holes here (nah) when no one is causing the conflict, everyone sucks here (esh) when everyone is causing the conflict, more information needed (info) when a classification cannot be made with the context provided.
<</SYS>>
my (17f) parents got divorced 6 years ago. my mom quickly remarried and my dad has been seeing his new girlfriend for nearly 2 years now. i now live at mom's house for two weeks, then switch over to dad's house for the next two weeks. my relationship with my mom has always been difficult. i always felt like my mom wished for a more 'girly' daughter, so we could do classical mother-daughter activities together but i'm simply not that person my mom wants me to be. i've always been more 'tomboyish' and been into sports, especially tennis since was a little girl, something my mom never truly understood or made an effort to be interested in. as a result my mom and i never had the close mother-daughter relationship i feel like my mom wished for us to have. now my relationship with my dad has been the polar opposite. my dad and i always got along great and i have always been a 'daddy's girl'. but when my dad introduced me to his new girlfriend julia, i instantly disliked her. my younger me thought she was stealing my dad from me. her being relatively young (27 when they began dating), and a - how i unfairly stereotyped her at first - 'vapid pretty girl' certainly didn't make me like her either. but my younger me misjudged her, and she's honestly pretty great. she always supported me, showed in interest in my passions, showed up to my tennis matches - something my mom didn't bother to do - and has been a great person all around. i'm now ashamed to admit this but i didn't recognize this until \~3 months ago and have been acting pretty horrible towards her before that. the problem: second last weekend i had a tennis tournament where i got second place. for the second place, i won a spa day for me and a guest. i decided to invite julia (my dad's gf) to thank her for supporting me and for dealing with my horrible behavior. you don't believe how happy she was when i invited her. but when i returned to my mom's place on sunday evening my mom kind of assumed i would invite her as my guest for the spa day. she seemed to really look forward to it. when i awkwardly told her that i already invited julia she was disappointed and sad. since then, she has acted downcast and moody, and we haven't really talked. i tried to explain the situation to her, but she won't listen. now i feel horrible. i feel like really hurt my mom and i feel like i chose julia over her. aita for inviting my dad's gf over my mom to spend the day with me? [/INST] nah but i can definitely see how this would have hurt your mother. you say she likes girly things and here’s a girly thing but you didn’t want to share it with her. sit down with your mom, tell her you noticed she’s hurt and you did not intend that, you feel awful, and explain that you invited julia as an apology of sorts to make up for being so awful to her for so long. then let your mom know that you would really love to have a special mother-daughter spa day just with her. </s>
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AITA for telling my wife she knew what the deal was when she married me, in front of her family?
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i married my wife leah 3 years ago after being in a relationship for 3 years before that. i have a son callum (12m). my late wife was grace. she died when callum was 14 months old. i have always made a point of keeping her memory alive. we used to read some of the letters grace left him for bedtime. i also played the videos she made for him for daily life/looking back on. i also tell him stories about her and about us, as a couple and a family with him. he has an attachment to her memory and to her through everything she left for him. when i met leah he and i talked as i was getting ready to introduce her and he asked if she had to be his new mom. i said no, that it was up to him and their relationship could be anything he was comfortable with. he said he couldn't imagine having someone else be his mom. we talked about it more times as the relationship progressed and i was open with leah. that she was marrying me, but she was not becoming a mom. she said she was okay with that but she did want more kids. i agreed to that.
we did not expect her to be infertile and unable to have a child biologically. ever since that she has been less okay with not being callum's mom. she has told me it should be back on the table, despite me telling her callum's feelings have not changed.
so she decided to bring it up in front of her family, saying that she was being his mom but not getting the love or title. that i was making her feel less loved than grace. her family started ganging up on me, saying they had been hearing about it for three years now and how callum deserved a mom and to be healthy enough to embrace a new mom, and that leah deserves to be a mom, and to be credited for raising callum. they said she was doing most of the parenting which i strong disagreed with. i am not some guy who married to pawn his kid off on someone. i actively parent my son and do more than leah, both because i don't agree with dumping all the parenting on my spouse (it was the same when grace was alive), because i want to be there for my son, and because callum comes to me more than leah.
she argued that she should be doing more, as the mother of the household. that i am being a terrible husband. i asked her what she wanted me to do. to tell callum that his feelings and clearly established boundaries don't matter and he needs to cater to hers? i have been her shoulder to lean on throughout her finding out she's infertile, throughout any stepparenting struggles she's had, but she really pissed me off by handling the conversation the way she did, and i told her she knew what the deal was when she married me, and i had been clear with her what her role would be and that we were not looking for callum to have a new mom.
leah was upset. i don't think she was that devastated when she found out she couldn't have biological children and her family were pissed at me. i do feel bad for snapping like i did, but i am also mad at her for putting me in the position she did.
aita?
| 3,156
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https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/vqn3v8/aita_for_telling_my_wife_she_knew_what_the_deal/
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2022-07-03 17:53:55
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nah, but this is **waaaaayyyy above** reddit's pay grade. you need a family counselor.
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nta
you’re right, she knew what the deal was when you married. it’s unfortunate that she’s infertile, but that doesn’t mean she entirely gets to disregard callum’s feelings—that’s no way to treat someone who she wants to mother. you’re doing great
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nta. callum made his decision and she needs to respect that. if she tries to force a relationship that is different than what he wants it to be, he will only push her further away.
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nta. she doesn't get to force something callum has been clear he doesn't want and isn't comfortable with just because her own circumstances changed; the fact she thinks what she wants matters more than what callum feels is proof all by itself that she is not fit to be his mother. worthy mothers do what is best for the child, not what they want.
she's doubly an asshole for bringing it up in front of her family - she fully intended for them to gang up against you to try to manipulate you into giving her what she wants.
honestly, you need to rethink staying married to her because if she is being this pushy with you, you can fucking bet that she is being even more pushy (though maybe more subtly) with your son, and that is not a healthy person to have him around.
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nta
>i said this in front of her family. i feel like it could have been handled so much better....
unfortunately, this was a direct result of your wife's choice to put you on the spot using the presence of her family, all supporting her, as a twist of the arm in the hope you would be pressured to give in.
you couldn't be expected to handle this perfectly. in fact, she was banking on you *not* being able to handle things in the way you normally would be able to due to suddenly being put in this situation -- and it backfired on her, with you still holding your ground for your son's sake -- if not perhaps in the perfect way you wish you could have handled it looking back in hindsight.
she didn't handle things well. she let her family gang up on you with them believing things that aren't true about you, with her not defending you, instead adding her own accusations to the pile on.
she needs to apologize to you, really. and the damage she has done to your relationship with her family may not be repairable.
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honestly, you set this situation up yourself.
you coped with your grief of losing grace by keeping her memory alive to the detriment of your son, keeping him from being able to form a motherly bond with anyone else. you’ve robbed him of a present and loving relationship with another woman.
does that mean a relationship between him and leah has to be forced? hell no.
i agree with the advice to get counselling.
esh
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so, your wife was in the wrong re the argument time and place. and it sounds like she needs some grief therapy.
but to give another perspective. callum’s mom is dead, but leah has been alive and helping take care of him for half his life. at what point do you recognize her position instead of worshipping his dead mother?
obviously the kid gets to decide what he wants, but i guess i’d ask you….do you devalue her because she’s not your first wife? is she trying to find a place that y’all won’t let her fill? because if she wants to love that boy and take care of him….you won’t let her. it must be terrible for her too?
anyway, my opinion is y’all need some couples therapy to work it out.
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nah.
she is frustrated. this shouldn’t be taken out on your child.
though, if she is providing child care, pick ups, drop offs, preparing meals, helping when he is sick then she is a mom. if you can’t except that then divorce and hire a maid.
she shouldn’t be obligated to take care of a family that doesn’t recognize her care and love.
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nta. callum's feelings and boundaries are perfectly valid. while it is tragic that your wife is infertile, in no way does this make callum a viable replacement for her to feel the title of "mom".
i have read so many posts in aita lately about parents and step parents that have forced bonding on the child. this is toxic, often leads to resentment and lack of a true bond forming, and can result in lc or nc from the chid later in life.
i feel for your wife, but she needs to deal with her trauma in a healthy manner that does not incorporate a violation of callum's feelings.
also, getting her family involved on this to gang up on you was childish and manipulative. keep being a great parent to your son.
i hope leah is able to see reason, work through her issues, and the three of you can be the healthy, happy unit that is right for your family, whatever form that may take.
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yta. it reads like you have created a shrine to the memory of your first wife and expect your second wife to be forever in your deceased wife's shadow; never quite good enough. this is the same plot from the movie "rebecca." an unnamed young woman married a mysterious rich man who was haunted by the memories of his deceased wife to such an extent that he was incapable of making his current wife feel a fully-welcomed family member. i agree with leah that it's hard to do the functions of a mother but being forbidden the perception of being a mother. isn't that what step-mother means? not the birth mother but still the current mother just the same? it might have some validity that leah's infertility might have changed her perception of her role in her new family. she's entitled to change her mind. the "deal" you refer to is a childish tactic that discounts your wife's wishes. you're blaming your wife for having a natural impulse to be more emotionally involved in your son's life. you might expand upon what you told your son: no one will ever take the place of her mother, but a step-mother also has her place.
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NAH
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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ESH
| null |
NAH
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NTA
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YTA
| 0.176777
|
Classify the interpersonal conflict and explain your choice. Your choices are limited to you're the a**hole (yta) when the writer is causing the conflict, not the a**hole (nta) when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict, no a**holes here (nah) when no one is causing the conflict, everyone sucks here (esh) when everyone is causing the conflict, more information needed (info) when a classification cannot be made with the context provided. Conflict context: i married my wife leah 3 years ago after being in a relationship for 3 years before that. i have a son callum (12m). my late wife was grace. she died when callum was 14 months old. i have always made a point of keeping her memory alive. we used to read some of the letters grace left him for bedtime. i also played the videos she made for him for daily life/looking back on. i also tell him stories about her and about us, as a couple and a family with him. he has an attachment to her memory and to her through everything she left for him. when i met leah he and i talked as i was getting ready to introduce her and he asked if she had to be his new mom. i said no, that it was up to him and their relationship could be anything he was comfortable with. he said he couldn't imagine having someone else be his mom. we talked about it more times as the relationship progressed and i was open with leah. that she was marrying me, but she was not becoming a mom. she said she was okay with that but she did want more kids. i agreed to that. we did not expect her to be infertile and unable to have a child biologically. ever since that she has been less okay with not being callum's mom. she has told me it should be back on the table, despite me telling her callum's feelings have not changed. so she decided to bring it up in front of her family, saying that she was being his mom but not getting the love or title. that i was making her feel less loved than grace. her family started ganging up on me, saying they had been hearing about it for three years now and how callum deserved a mom and to be healthy enough to embrace a new mom, and that leah deserves to be a mom, and to be credited for raising callum. they said she was doing most of the parenting which i strong disagreed with. i am not some guy who married to pawn his kid off on someone. i actively parent my son and do more than leah, both because i don't agree with dumping all the parenting on my spouse (it was the same when grace was alive), because i want to be there for my son, and because callum comes to me more than leah. she argued that she should be doing more, as the mother of the household. that i am being a terrible husband. i asked her what she wanted me to do. to tell callum that his feelings and clearly established boundaries don't matter and he needs to cater to hers? i have been her shoulder to lean on throughout her finding out she's infertile, throughout any stepparenting struggles she's had, but she really pissed me off by handling the conversation the way she did, and i told her she knew what the deal was when she married me, and i had been clear with her what her role would be and that we were not looking for callum to have a new mom. leah was upset. i don't think she was that devastated when she found out she couldn't have biological children and her family were pissed at me. i do feel bad for snapping like i did, but i am also mad at her for putting me in the position she did. aita?
|
<s>[INST] <<SYS>>
Classify the interpersonal conflict and explain your choice. Your choices are limited to you're the a**hole (yta) when the writer is causing the conflict, not the a**hole (nta) when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict, no a**holes here (nah) when no one is causing the conflict, everyone sucks here (esh) when everyone is causing the conflict, more information needed (info) when a classification cannot be made with the context provided.
<</SYS>>
i married my wife leah 3 years ago after being in a relationship for 3 years before that. i have a son callum (12m). my late wife was grace. she died when callum was 14 months old. i have always made a point of keeping her memory alive. we used to read some of the letters grace left him for bedtime. i also played the videos she made for him for daily life/looking back on. i also tell him stories about her and about us, as a couple and a family with him. he has an attachment to her memory and to her through everything she left for him. when i met leah he and i talked as i was getting ready to introduce her and he asked if she had to be his new mom. i said no, that it was up to him and their relationship could be anything he was comfortable with. he said he couldn't imagine having someone else be his mom. we talked about it more times as the relationship progressed and i was open with leah. that she was marrying me, but she was not becoming a mom. she said she was okay with that but she did want more kids. i agreed to that. we did not expect her to be infertile and unable to have a child biologically. ever since that she has been less okay with not being callum's mom. she has told me it should be back on the table, despite me telling her callum's feelings have not changed. so she decided to bring it up in front of her family, saying that she was being his mom but not getting the love or title. that i was making her feel less loved than grace. her family started ganging up on me, saying they had been hearing about it for three years now and how callum deserved a mom and to be healthy enough to embrace a new mom, and that leah deserves to be a mom, and to be credited for raising callum. they said she was doing most of the parenting which i strong disagreed with. i am not some guy who married to pawn his kid off on someone. i actively parent my son and do more than leah, both because i don't agree with dumping all the parenting on my spouse (it was the same when grace was alive), because i want to be there for my son, and because callum comes to me more than leah. she argued that she should be doing more, as the mother of the household. that i am being a terrible husband. i asked her what she wanted me to do. to tell callum that his feelings and clearly established boundaries don't matter and he needs to cater to hers? i have been her shoulder to lean on throughout her finding out she's infertile, throughout any stepparenting struggles she's had, but she really pissed me off by handling the conversation the way she did, and i told her she knew what the deal was when she married me, and i had been clear with her what her role would be and that we were not looking for callum to have a new mom. leah was upset. i don't think she was that devastated when she found out she couldn't have biological children and her family were pissed at me. i do feel bad for snapping like i did, but i am also mad at her for putting me in the position she did. aita? [/INST] nah, but this is **waaaaayyyy above** reddit's pay grade. you need a family counselor. </s>
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AITA for wanting to stay up late every night even though my partner hates it?
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to begin, i think i am easily the asshole here and my partner is too nice to ever tell me that.
i am a tutor, and my partner is a farmer, so our jobs have vastly different levels of physicality and we get tired at very different times of the night. they head to bed at 9:30-10 where as i am generally most comfortable going to bed closer to 12 or 1. i am a big night owl and always have been - lately i set up a painting desk so i've been getting into my flow around like 9 or 10 and looking up at the clock and suddenly its 1 am (or 4 am on weekends) and then going to bed, and it has felt really great.
i thought everything was swell but my partner came out one night and told me that when i stay up late it disrupts their sleep badly. they say that they can't sleep unless i am in bed with them, so when they are going to bed at 9:30, they are awake until i come to bed later and can only then fall asleep. and even if they do manage to doze off before, they say it's light and that i always wake them up when i get in. they've always been somewhat of an insomniac and a light sleeper so i am sure that this is true. however, it really bothers me that i am in that way responsible for their sleep. they said that they would feel much better if we had a similar schedule in general, so they asked if i would go to bed early with them and wake up early with them. and to be honest, i feel like that's an unreasonable request and i am feeling resentful about it.
here's my thing: i feel hugely guilty and stubborn for not being ready to fulfill their request, because obviously i want them to be as healthy/happy/well rested as possible. but in order to ensure that for them, i have to have a daily bed time. i love to stay up because i am at my most creative, it is dark and quiet, and it is my only time alone. i get home from work after them every day so it is truly my only time to chill by myself. also i am literally never tired at 9:30 and would just lay in bed annoyed.
i feel like such a butt because they are tired and i am causing it. they are a silent sufferer so the fact that they asked me is a big deal. but i also really wish i had the freedom to do my own thing!! sos i need to be told if i am being unreasonable.
| 510
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https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/kf0hfy/aita_for_wanting_to_stay_up_late_every_night_even/
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2020-12-17 16:22:28
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info
what is your partner doing to try to take accountability for their own sleep? it seems unfair for them to pin it all on you, but this information seems important to the situation.
does your partner also get alone time?
would it be worth considering some nights going to bed with them and some nights staying up?
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nah, but y’all need to discuss the option of separate beds or bedrooms if you can’t find a mattress or lighting solution that makes sure they don’t wake when you come to bed. i’m in a similar situation with my partner and it is a massive annoyance to lose so much sleep even when they try to be quiet and make no movement. it’s not ideal, but might save your relationship to consider an alternative sleeping arrangement.
|
nta
you are not a sleeping pill or comfort object for your partner to dictate when you go to sleep. nor are they your parent or you a child to be told when you have to go to bed. you are not responsible for their sleeping issues and they need to learn to sleep on their own.
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my husband is a night owl and i go to bed early and we had this same issue. we’ve compromised and he comes to bed with me 3-4 days a week and then when i fall asleep he gets up and does whatever he wants to do. it has helped us a lot.
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nta
> they are tired and i am causing it.
you are not responsible for some else's sleep, unless you're making a lot of noise and actually disrupting them. you are not causing this, this is their issue, not yours.
it's wildly unfair to expect someone to have the same sleeping schedule as you, everyone is different, and it's unreasonable to ask someone to go to bed when they don't want to.
you're not a child and don't need to be told when to go to sleep.
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nta. there are lots of ways partners can disrupt each others sleep - and i would try to minimize that by not turning on lights when you go to bed, keeping your pj's out of the room, being quiet as you can when crawling into bed. but demanding that your partner be your teddy bear and instituting a bedtime for them is way over the line. they need to learn to sleep on their own. you cannot be physically responsible for them being able to sleep.
maybe sleep somewhere else for a week or two to help them adjust, like a guest room if you have one. that way if they aren't expecting you it won't keep them up. but making you go to bed when you aren't tired is just as bad as you insisting he stay up when he is tired. and it sounds like maybe they don't understand how important alone time can be to an introvert, they sound a little clingy to be honest. i've felt that desperate desire to stay up super late once my partner has gone to bed before, and it's usually because they just aren't giving me enough space.
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info: have they spoke to a sleep specialist about their insomnia and difficulty getting into rem (deep) sleep?
i go to bed early and have a hard time getting to sleeping without my partner there, however once i'm out there is no waking me which helps. we've made a compromise that he has started watching tv in bed and playing games on his phone when i go to bed as that's what he was doing in the living room anyways. i can get to sleep, his sleep schedule isn't compromised l, it works for us.
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omg, op, i could have written this post 4 years ago - so perhaps i’m biased in saying nta.
the thing is, if your partner isn’t being selfish by having a sleep pattern, neither are you.
granted, theirs is dictated by their work, but yours is dictated by your entire life’s habits.
being an owl or a lark is pretty innate and neither is more valid than the other.
i assume if you went to bed early, you’d also lie there awake and resentful.
perhaps your partner could look into natural sleep aids - both 5htp and melatonin work and are not heavy sedatives but natural substances that your own body produces.
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nah, just figure out a compromise. like nights before a work day, maybe meet in the middle at 11pm. may be later than partner is happy with, but they'll be getting a better quality of sleep. nights before a day off for you, do your own thing.
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nta
as long as you are respectful and aren't making a ton of noise after they go to bed, then you are not responsible for their lack of sleep.
what did they do to get to sleep before you lived together? what would they do if the relationship ended?
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INFO
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NAH
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NTA
| null |
NTA
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NTA
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INFO
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NTA
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NAH
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NTA
| 0.045361
|
Classify the interpersonal conflict and explain your choice. Your choices are limited to you're the a**hole (yta) when the writer is causing the conflict, not the a**hole (nta) when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict, no a**holes here (nah) when no one is causing the conflict, everyone sucks here (esh) when everyone is causing the conflict, more information needed (info) when a classification cannot be made with the context provided. Conflict context: to begin, i think i am easily the asshole here and my partner is too nice to ever tell me that. i am a tutor, and my partner is a farmer, so our jobs have vastly different levels of physicality and we get tired at very different times of the night. they head to bed at 9:30-10 where as i am generally most comfortable going to bed closer to 12 or 1. i am a big night owl and always have been - lately i set up a painting desk so i've been getting into my flow around like 9 or 10 and looking up at the clock and suddenly its 1 am (or 4 am on weekends) and then going to bed, and it has felt really great. i thought everything was swell but my partner came out one night and told me that when i stay up late it disrupts their sleep badly. they say that they can't sleep unless i am in bed with them, so when they are going to bed at 9:30, they are awake until i come to bed later and can only then fall asleep. and even if they do manage to doze off before, they say it's light and that i always wake them up when i get in. they've always been somewhat of an insomniac and a light sleeper so i am sure that this is true. however, it really bothers me that i am in that way responsible for their sleep. they said that they would feel much better if we had a similar schedule in general, so they asked if i would go to bed early with them and wake up early with them. and to be honest, i feel like that's an unreasonable request and i am feeling resentful about it. here's my thing: i feel hugely guilty and stubborn for not being ready to fulfill their request, because obviously i want them to be as healthy/happy/well rested as possible. but in order to ensure that for them, i have to have a daily bed time. i love to stay up because i am at my most creative, it is dark and quiet, and it is my only time alone. i get home from work after them every day so it is truly my only time to chill by myself. also i am literally never tired at 9:30 and would just lay in bed annoyed. i feel like such a butt because they are tired and i am causing it. they are a silent sufferer so the fact that they asked me is a big deal. but i also really wish i had the freedom to do my own thing!! sos i need to be told if i am being unreasonable.
|
<s>[INST] <<SYS>>
Classify the interpersonal conflict and explain your choice. Your choices are limited to you're the a**hole (yta) when the writer is causing the conflict, not the a**hole (nta) when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict, no a**holes here (nah) when no one is causing the conflict, everyone sucks here (esh) when everyone is causing the conflict, more information needed (info) when a classification cannot be made with the context provided.
<</SYS>>
to begin, i think i am easily the asshole here and my partner is too nice to ever tell me that. i am a tutor, and my partner is a farmer, so our jobs have vastly different levels of physicality and we get tired at very different times of the night. they head to bed at 9:30-10 where as i am generally most comfortable going to bed closer to 12 or 1. i am a big night owl and always have been - lately i set up a painting desk so i've been getting into my flow around like 9 or 10 and looking up at the clock and suddenly its 1 am (or 4 am on weekends) and then going to bed, and it has felt really great. i thought everything was swell but my partner came out one night and told me that when i stay up late it disrupts their sleep badly. they say that they can't sleep unless i am in bed with them, so when they are going to bed at 9:30, they are awake until i come to bed later and can only then fall asleep. and even if they do manage to doze off before, they say it's light and that i always wake them up when i get in. they've always been somewhat of an insomniac and a light sleeper so i am sure that this is true. however, it really bothers me that i am in that way responsible for their sleep. they said that they would feel much better if we had a similar schedule in general, so they asked if i would go to bed early with them and wake up early with them. and to be honest, i feel like that's an unreasonable request and i am feeling resentful about it. here's my thing: i feel hugely guilty and stubborn for not being ready to fulfill their request, because obviously i want them to be as healthy/happy/well rested as possible. but in order to ensure that for them, i have to have a daily bed time. i love to stay up because i am at my most creative, it is dark and quiet, and it is my only time alone. i get home from work after them every day so it is truly my only time to chill by myself. also i am literally never tired at 9:30 and would just lay in bed annoyed. i feel like such a butt because they are tired and i am causing it. they are a silent sufferer so the fact that they asked me is a big deal. but i also really wish i had the freedom to do my own thing!! sos i need to be told if i am being unreasonable. [/INST] info what is your partner doing to try to take accountability for their own sleep? it seems unfair for them to pin it all on you, but this information seems important to the situation. does your partner also get alone time? would it be worth considering some nights going to bed with them and some nights staying up? </s>
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AITA for putting mistakes in my shared google doc notes
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this is a throwaway account.
i(21m) am currently taking organic chemistry i. needless to say, the class is incredibly tough. luckily though, i have been studying since day 1 so i am doing alright in the class. i am taking the class with a group of friends, so to help them out, i shared the personal notes that i take in class with them via a google doc, and i encouraged them to invite anyone they know.
recently, one of my friends invited a friend of theirs, let's call her jess(20f), who i've never really interacted with, but i have a massive crush on. i think she and i would make a great couple, but she's not really into sensitive smart guys, because on her instagram, i see all her stories show her out with really jock-like men.
our third exam is in a couple of days, and as i was going through the google doc, i realized that she was using my doc the most. you can see who looks at or edits the doc on google docs, and most of my other friends would pop up sometimes, but i would see her icon pop up alot. i also know for a fact that she isn't doing well in the class, so i got a really good idea. i would put subtle mistakes in the doc so that she wouldn't do well in the exam, and then i can offer to tutor her. that way, i can interact with her and talk to her, so that she'll realize that i have a great personality, and we can hopefully go out together.
i told my friend about this plan, and they called me an "incel ah". personally, i think they're overreacting, because jess isn't going to do well either way, even if i don't put mistakes, so my plan will actually benefit her grades, while also allowing me to interact with her and talk to her. i think it's a win win for everyone, but i was wondering if my friend may have been on to something, so aita?
| 11,829
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https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/yl7cqe/aita_for_putting_mistakes_in_my_shared_google_doc/
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2022-11-03 16:31:51
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yta
this... can't be real...
consider the following phrase: "i like you, so i'll harm you, so i can save you, so you can view me as a hero."
this is straight supervillain logic. it's like a more self centered version of the plot to unbreakable.
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so to be clear, you want to:
--intentionally sabotage someone's grade in a course they're spending money on
--manipulate a woman into spending time with you
--use studying as a cover to hit on a woman's who has shown no interest in you
incel ah is the right call, and i hope your friends warn this woman about you. yta.
edit for formatting.
edit 2: thank you for the awards, kind internet strangers.
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>i(21m) am currently taking organic chemistry i. needless to say, the class is incredibly tough.
my old university roommates took organic chemistry. they said it was slightly less forgiving than an osha inspector with a cheating spouse.
>i am taking the class with a group of friends, so to help them out, i shared the personal notes that i take in class with them via a google doc, and i encouraged them to invite anyone they know.
hoo, boy. last time i saw someone open a can of worms that big, they were shopping for fishing supplies at costco.
>recently, one of my friends invited a friend of theirs, let's call her jess(20f), who i've never really interacted with, but i have a massive crush on. i think she and i would make a great couple
*(crack)*
...pardon me, that was just the sound of me getting whiplash from the turn this story just took.
excuse me, but you think that you and this girl you've "never really interacted with" would "make a great couple"? i saw better matches watching my blind friend play concentration. what exactly gives you the impression that you'll be so darn good together?
>but she's not really into sensitive smart guys, because on her instagram, i see all her stories show her out with really jock-like men.
*(pointed look to camera)*
>i realized that she was using my doc the most. you can see who looks at or edits the doc on google docs, and most of my other friends would pop up sometimes, but i would see her icon pop up alot.
you don't say. you mean someone actually found your freely-given, helpful resource to be...helpful? fancy the f\*\*k out of that.
>i also know for a fact that she isn't doing well in the class, so i got a really good idea.
reach out to her and maybe break the ice by offering to help her study? although, no...you'd probably get one or two sessions in and then think you're entitled to sex.
>i would put subtle mistakes in the doc so that she wouldn't do well in the exam, and then i can offer to tutor her.
oh, and here i thought you were just going to undermine her and contribute to her failure out of *spite*. no, turns out you're not just an asshole, you're a manipulative, controlling, black-mamba-levels-of-toxic asshole.
>i told my friend about this plan, and they called me an "incel ah".
true.
>personally, i think they're overreacting, because jess isn't going to do well either way, even if i don't put mistakes, so my plan will actually benefit her grades, while also allowing me to interact with her and talk to her.
you missed the part where you might manage a similar result by just, y'know...offering to tutor her. but then you couldn't get off on pulling the strings.
but, as we've already established, she is much better off staying as far away from you and your judgemental, niceguy^(tm), tate-esque attitude. i hope your friend spills all the beans, because you've got your head so far up your ass you're getting teabagged by your own stomach. **yta.**
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is this the incel troll again? or do you seriously think real life works like this?
yta if this is real because you're trying to manipulate a girl into spending time with you, all because of feelings she doesn't share. it's creepy and stalkerish.
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the way you talk about her is so demeaning and patronising. yta absolutely.
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yta
just talk to her
you have a talking point in the notes, mention you noticed that she was using it(not how much) and ask if they're helping and if there's anything you can clarify. do not sabotage her or anyone else. do not be manipulative. be upfront and just fricken talk.
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omg as a chem major i would be so mad if you had done this to me. also as someone who met her boyfriend through organic chemistry, i can guarantee you that being nice and working together is a way better solution than trying to get her to fail an exam. women in chem have enough issues with sexist lab partners and structural discrimination, don’t add to it. yta
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yta. not only is it a jerk move, but it’s creepy. if someone likes you, they’ll find the time for you. i don’t know a single woman who would want this weird manipulation you’re trying to pull.
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"i'm being a manipulative creep. aita?"
obviously yta
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yta and an incel and you will end up on r/niceguys no doubt. the fact that you can't see anything wrong with this and think people would agree with you just shows how honestly deranged you are.
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YTA
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YTA
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YTA
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YTA
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YTA
|
YTA
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YTA
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YTA
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YTA
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YTA
| 0
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Classify the interpersonal conflict and explain your choice. Your choices are limited to you're the a**hole (yta) when the writer is causing the conflict, not the a**hole (nta) when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict, no a**holes here (nah) when no one is causing the conflict, everyone sucks here (esh) when everyone is causing the conflict, more information needed (info) when a classification cannot be made with the context provided. Conflict context: this is a throwaway account. i(21m) am currently taking organic chemistry i. needless to say, the class is incredibly tough. luckily though, i have been studying since day 1 so i am doing alright in the class. i am taking the class with a group of friends, so to help them out, i shared the personal notes that i take in class with them via a google doc, and i encouraged them to invite anyone they know. recently, one of my friends invited a friend of theirs, let's call her jess(20f), who i've never really interacted with, but i have a massive crush on. i think she and i would make a great couple, but she's not really into sensitive smart guys, because on her instagram, i see all her stories show her out with really jock-like men. our third exam is in a couple of days, and as i was going through the google doc, i realized that she was using my doc the most. you can see who looks at or edits the doc on google docs, and most of my other friends would pop up sometimes, but i would see her icon pop up alot. i also know for a fact that she isn't doing well in the class, so i got a really good idea. i would put subtle mistakes in the doc so that she wouldn't do well in the exam, and then i can offer to tutor her. that way, i can interact with her and talk to her, so that she'll realize that i have a great personality, and we can hopefully go out together. i told my friend about this plan, and they called me an "incel ah". personally, i think they're overreacting, because jess isn't going to do well either way, even if i don't put mistakes, so my plan will actually benefit her grades, while also allowing me to interact with her and talk to her. i think it's a win win for everyone, but i was wondering if my friend may have been on to something, so aita?
|
<s>[INST] <<SYS>>
Classify the interpersonal conflict and explain your choice. Your choices are limited to you're the a**hole (yta) when the writer is causing the conflict, not the a**hole (nta) when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict, no a**holes here (nah) when no one is causing the conflict, everyone sucks here (esh) when everyone is causing the conflict, more information needed (info) when a classification cannot be made with the context provided.
<</SYS>>
this is a throwaway account. i(21m) am currently taking organic chemistry i. needless to say, the class is incredibly tough. luckily though, i have been studying since day 1 so i am doing alright in the class. i am taking the class with a group of friends, so to help them out, i shared the personal notes that i take in class with them via a google doc, and i encouraged them to invite anyone they know. recently, one of my friends invited a friend of theirs, let's call her jess(20f), who i've never really interacted with, but i have a massive crush on. i think she and i would make a great couple, but she's not really into sensitive smart guys, because on her instagram, i see all her stories show her out with really jock-like men. our third exam is in a couple of days, and as i was going through the google doc, i realized that she was using my doc the most. you can see who looks at or edits the doc on google docs, and most of my other friends would pop up sometimes, but i would see her icon pop up alot. i also know for a fact that she isn't doing well in the class, so i got a really good idea. i would put subtle mistakes in the doc so that she wouldn't do well in the exam, and then i can offer to tutor her. that way, i can interact with her and talk to her, so that she'll realize that i have a great personality, and we can hopefully go out together. i told my friend about this plan, and they called me an "incel ah". personally, i think they're overreacting, because jess isn't going to do well either way, even if i don't put mistakes, so my plan will actually benefit her grades, while also allowing me to interact with her and talk to her. i think it's a win win for everyone, but i was wondering if my friend may have been on to something, so aita? [/INST] yta this... can't be real... consider the following phrase: "i like you, so i'll harm you, so i can save you, so you can view me as a hero." this is straight supervillain logic. it's like a more self centered version of the plot to unbreakable. </s>
|
AITA for calling my sister a bad, selfish person because she refused to look after my son for just a few hours?
|
my (29m) wife (27f) and i welcomed our first child into the world about 10 months ago. his paternal grandparents (my parents) live several states away, but he has two maternal aunts and uncles (their husbands) by marriage as well as a set of maternal grandparents. he also has my sister (26f) as an aunt. my sister is a bit of rebel who swears she'll never get married or have kids, and who claims to not even like kids.
when my son was born, though, i remember my sister coming to visit him in the hospital which actually somewhat surprised me, but when she saw her nephew she said "i don't like kids, but he's so cute that he's an exception. he's officially my favorite kid on the planet. don't ever ask me to babysit, though."
well, i never would have dreamed of asking her since he had two willing grandparents as well as two willing aunts. however, recently the perfect storm happened.
my wife works in a jail and as such is considered an "essential employee." in other words; they can order her in to work if they're short and she doesn't have a right to refuse, no matter what is happening. it honestly doesn't come up very often at all, but when it does it does. meanwhile i work as a kitchen manager/head chef at an event hall. i had a huge event that i absolutely couldn't miss on a day last week when it just so happened that my wife got ordered into work. our contigency plan just in case just that sort of thing should happen to occur was to have one of her sisters or her parents watch our son. however they just so happened to all be out of town together that day, so i had no choice but to ask \*my\* sister to just watch her nephew for a few hours until one or both of us were able to get away from our jobs. but she refused.
i begged and pleaded with her but she just wouldn't do it, reminding us both that she told us that she said she would never babysit and that our emergency wasn't her problem. finally my wife ended up having to tell her employer "well, i just can't come in. do what you have to in terms of discipline" which ended with her being receiving a written reprimand.
i ended up going off on my sister, telling her that she was selfish, amoral, etc. my sister said "i don't owe you or your wife anything just because we're related" but i told her that this was a horrible attitude, that she should have a better sense of loyalty to her family just because that's the right thing to do whether she'd ever "agreed" to anything or not. aita?
| 7,566
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https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/tm3p6b/aita_for_calling_my_sister_a_bad_selfish_person/
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2022-03-24 11:22:55
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yta. let's dissect calling her a rebel because she has chosen to not have children and stay single.
that's no rebelling. that's having the freedom to choose. that's self care. we have fought long and hard to have these choices.
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yta. your sister isn't a 'rebel' or 'amoral'. she just has a different, albeit sensible way of life. hire a babysitter.
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yta.
with your professionnal situations, your wife and yourseld should have an official "in case of an emergency childcare".
she told you she would never babysit and your lack of anticipating that kind of situation is not her problem.
she's your sister. not your sitter.
|
1.if your a head/chef kitchen manager you should of trained your staff to be able to handle an event without you yta
2. you let your wife be reprimanded from an essential workers position so you could still go to work yta
3. you expected someone who has made it clear they do not want to or will ever babysit your kids under any circumstance to just do it because it suits you more yta
4. you acted like a child and berated someone for making thier boundaries clear and sticking to them yta
5. you knew this could possibly happen and didn't set up a proper plan for child care yta
6. you and your wife are the only people responsible for your child's care, the idea that you share some dna with someone means that they should help you is fucking stupid yta
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yta. i'm fully on your side as regards to the idea that family always shows up, by the way, and i can't *really* get my head around the opposite.
however, your sister is not of that viewpoint. and she made that very clear early on. i don't think yta for asking in an emergency, but once she was like "nope, remember i don't babysit regardless of situation," that should have been it.
you're allowed to be a bit annoyed. what you *can't* do is scream at your sister and call her names. you then talking about *her* "horrible attitude" is ridiculous.
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having a child isn't special. it doesn't entitle you to the labour of others.
your failure to organise contingency plans is not your sister's emergency.
the only amoral, selfish behaviour here is yours, and you know it.
yta
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yta, your sister set a very clear and hard boundary immediately. you rely on family to watch your child for free, hire a babysitter. she is in no way obligated to help you and she’s 100% correct saying she doesn’t owe you anything.
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info why could you not hire a baby sitter
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you don’t have a selfish sister. you have a selfish personality.
yta
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>
don't ever ask me to babysit, though
she told you from the get go. yta.
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YTA
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YTA
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YTA
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YTA
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YTA
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YTA
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YTA
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INFO
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YTA
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YTA
| 0.003
|
Classify the interpersonal conflict and explain your choice. Your choices are limited to you're the a**hole (yta) when the writer is causing the conflict, not the a**hole (nta) when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict, no a**holes here (nah) when no one is causing the conflict, everyone sucks here (esh) when everyone is causing the conflict, more information needed (info) when a classification cannot be made with the context provided. Conflict context: my (29m) wife (27f) and i welcomed our first child into the world about 10 months ago. his paternal grandparents (my parents) live several states away, but he has two maternal aunts and uncles (their husbands) by marriage as well as a set of maternal grandparents. he also has my sister (26f) as an aunt. my sister is a bit of rebel who swears she'll never get married or have kids, and who claims to not even like kids. when my son was born, though, i remember my sister coming to visit him in the hospital which actually somewhat surprised me, but when she saw her nephew she said "i don't like kids, but he's so cute that he's an exception. he's officially my favorite kid on the planet. don't ever ask me to babysit, though." well, i never would have dreamed of asking her since he had two willing grandparents as well as two willing aunts. however, recently the perfect storm happened. my wife works in a jail and as such is considered an "essential employee." in other words; they can order her in to work if they're short and she doesn't have a right to refuse, no matter what is happening. it honestly doesn't come up very often at all, but when it does it does. meanwhile i work as a kitchen manager/head chef at an event hall. i had a huge event that i absolutely couldn't miss on a day last week when it just so happened that my wife got ordered into work. our contigency plan just in case just that sort of thing should happen to occur was to have one of her sisters or her parents watch our son. however they just so happened to all be out of town together that day, so i had no choice but to ask \*my\* sister to just watch her nephew for a few hours until one or both of us were able to get away from our jobs. but she refused. i begged and pleaded with her but she just wouldn't do it, reminding us both that she told us that she said she would never babysit and that our emergency wasn't her problem. finally my wife ended up having to tell her employer "well, i just can't come in. do what you have to in terms of discipline" which ended with her being receiving a written reprimand. i ended up going off on my sister, telling her that she was selfish, amoral, etc. my sister said "i don't owe you or your wife anything just because we're related" but i told her that this was a horrible attitude, that she should have a better sense of loyalty to her family just because that's the right thing to do whether she'd ever "agreed" to anything or not. aita?
|
<s>[INST] <<SYS>>
Classify the interpersonal conflict and explain your choice. Your choices are limited to you're the a**hole (yta) when the writer is causing the conflict, not the a**hole (nta) when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict, no a**holes here (nah) when no one is causing the conflict, everyone sucks here (esh) when everyone is causing the conflict, more information needed (info) when a classification cannot be made with the context provided.
<</SYS>>
my (29m) wife (27f) and i welcomed our first child into the world about 10 months ago. his paternal grandparents (my parents) live several states away, but he has two maternal aunts and uncles (their husbands) by marriage as well as a set of maternal grandparents. he also has my sister (26f) as an aunt. my sister is a bit of rebel who swears she'll never get married or have kids, and who claims to not even like kids. when my son was born, though, i remember my sister coming to visit him in the hospital which actually somewhat surprised me, but when she saw her nephew she said "i don't like kids, but he's so cute that he's an exception. he's officially my favorite kid on the planet. don't ever ask me to babysit, though." well, i never would have dreamed of asking her since he had two willing grandparents as well as two willing aunts. however, recently the perfect storm happened. my wife works in a jail and as such is considered an "essential employee." in other words; they can order her in to work if they're short and she doesn't have a right to refuse, no matter what is happening. it honestly doesn't come up very often at all, but when it does it does. meanwhile i work as a kitchen manager/head chef at an event hall. i had a huge event that i absolutely couldn't miss on a day last week when it just so happened that my wife got ordered into work. our contigency plan just in case just that sort of thing should happen to occur was to have one of her sisters or her parents watch our son. however they just so happened to all be out of town together that day, so i had no choice but to ask \*my\* sister to just watch her nephew for a few hours until one or both of us were able to get away from our jobs. but she refused. i begged and pleaded with her but she just wouldn't do it, reminding us both that she told us that she said she would never babysit and that our emergency wasn't her problem. finally my wife ended up having to tell her employer "well, i just can't come in. do what you have to in terms of discipline" which ended with her being receiving a written reprimand. i ended up going off on my sister, telling her that she was selfish, amoral, etc. my sister said "i don't owe you or your wife anything just because we're related" but i told her that this was a horrible attitude, that she should have a better sense of loyalty to her family just because that's the right thing to do whether she'd ever "agreed" to anything or not. aita? [/INST] yta. let's dissect calling her a rebel because she has chosen to not have children and stay single. that's no rebelling. that's having the freedom to choose. that's self care. we have fought long and hard to have these choices. </s>
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WIBTA If I didn’t let my sister witness the birth of her child?
| 1,828
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https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/gza156/wibta_if_i_didnt_let_my_sister_witness_the_birth/
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2020-06-08 22:38:05
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nah. you are doing this incredibly generous thing for her and it's natural that she will want to be as involved as possible, but the delivery is ultimately a very intimate medical event that you are undergoing, and you don't have to have any witnesses you don't want, even her.
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man, this is hard.
nah.
it’s hard to give a judgment. ultimately, it’s your body. if you didn’t want your husband in the room for the same reasons, people would be on your side. your body, your choice. yes, it’s also her baby, but same goes for dad’s that share dna, and the person giving birth still gets to decide.
that being said, this is such a *huge* moment for her. i feel like she will be so in awe of you, bodily fluids or not, that she won’t care. seriously. this is truly a moment she might not ever, ever have again. if anything, she might want to be there to support you. to feel apart of childbirth by seeing you go through it, something she will never get to have.
i get that’s it’s weird. i think you should at least talk to her about your discomfort. rather than springing it on her and just declaring outright she’s banned from the birth. if you’re close enough to grow a person for her, you’re close enough to at least have this conversation.
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nta, it is still a medical procedure that you are going through. however, definitely discuss this with her before even doing ivf. she needs to know this asap.
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i was a surrogate for a friend almost 14 years ago. the pregnancy got really difficult at the end (twins/high risk) and things got tense even though we were as close as sisters. i’m an only child so it was the closest i had known. she was supposed to be in the delivery room (scheduled csection) but towards the end i was changing my mind due to me feeling like me and my health were being ignored and her babies prioritized over my life. not exaggerating, i was told my life was at risk when i was 33 weeks and told the twins were safe to deliver. she went behind my back to the doctor and delayed delivery. she ended up not being in town for the delivery as my water broke unexpectedly on new year’s eve (i was 34 weeks and she went on a 2 night trip because she thought she would be back) my ex husband ended up being in the delivery room with me and i’m so glad as it ended up being an emergency situation. long story short... sorry bout that...speak up for yourself. i didn’t and got lucky. looking back, i know if i hadn’t spoken up, i would now regret it. 5 months after delivery she cut off contact because it was too painful to see me with her kids who i had only seen 1 time since delivery and were not mine biologically.
have her wait outside the door so directly after delivery she can come in and do the mom thing. she will only see her baby at that point and not the “aftermath” so to speak.
regardless of the first time she sees her baby, my friend met hers 12 hours later and i was adopted at birth and met mine 3 days later... i am a mother of 2 and have birthed 4. i am my children’s mother, i just helped give the twins to their mother. the bond between mother and child is built over time with love and care and respect.
good luck... i’ll be wishing you every good thing possible!
jeez... forgot to say nah. everyone is getting ready to enter a crazy, amazing, stressful, and uncharted time. these conversations will come up and get more intense. think multiples conversation, situations where termination is acceptable to everyone vs not. it gets deep, i didn’t realize how so going in. my advice is to learn to have these conversations now so everyone feels like they are heard and respected. it will make it so much easier as things progress. talk about expectations, like amount of contact and boundaries with your doctors, etc. it’s easy to say now that you will always be the priority. when there is a baby to consider, hormones and emotions get involved in a situation with a high level of tension already and it can make it hard to think rationally. hope i’m not overstepping. i just had no one to give me any perspective as this was a long time ago. we spanned 3 states (due to surrogacy laws and the best doctors) and i was the first in my large city’s women’s hospital to deliver as a surrogate to make it happen. so i’ve learned a lot over the years. again, good luck!!
edited b/c i’m forgetful af and i forgot to say nah.
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it may be her baby, but its your private medical procedure. yes its natural and normal, but its still about your comfort first and foremost. you are already going above and beyond.
nta
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nta. you’re entitled to have whoever you want in the room
you’ve given your body to give her a child. i think you can limit who sees you nude and in that position
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nta.
you're already doing her a huge favor by carrying her child. even though you're giving birth to her baby, you should still have your wishes about your body respected.
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before you even get pregnant explain this to your sister so they won’t be no issues during the pregnancy nah best of luck with everything op
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hey! really good question! i would say nta, but you should definitely talk about it first. i don't know the age of you or your sister, but hopefully she understands. you can tell her what happened last time, and that you feel uncomfortable with her being there. maybe she could stay at the hospital, and if this birth goes better than your last one you could invite her in? just a suggestion, but i do believe you should talk to her about it and ask her how she feels. definitely talk to her as soon as possible about it, because you don't want to be telling her that when its close to your due date. best of luck, and i hope everything goes well for you and your sister!
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nah, but you should definitely explain it to her, in these terms, before you embark on the treatment. you both need to know exactly how the other feels.
i'm sorry to hear about the excess bleeding last time, but meanwhile please know that pooping and peeing during birth are *completely* normal. it's completely valid to not want your sister to see you pooping, but it's nothing unusual or any more 'nasty' than most other births.
same goes for being on your hands and knees - if you don't want your sister seeing that, that's completely valid too, but we only started giving birth lying down on our backs for the benefit of men being able to see better. if you want to lie or kneel or even stand, you're still doing something amazingly kind to help your sister! you won't be 'undignified' - you'll be incredible! and it's still absolutely your choice about who should be present or not.
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NAH
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NAH
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NTA
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NAH
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NAH
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NTA
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NAH
| 0.015625
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Classify the interpersonal conflict and explain your choice. Your choices are limited to you're the a**hole (yta) when the writer is causing the conflict, not the a**hole (nta) when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict, no a**holes here (nah) when no one is causing the conflict, everyone sucks here (esh) when everyone is causing the conflict, more information needed (info) when a classification cannot be made with the context provided. Conflict context:
|
<s>[INST] <<SYS>>
Classify the interpersonal conflict and explain your choice. Your choices are limited to you're the a**hole (yta) when the writer is causing the conflict, not the a**hole (nta) when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict, no a**holes here (nah) when no one is causing the conflict, everyone sucks here (esh) when everyone is causing the conflict, more information needed (info) when a classification cannot be made with the context provided.
<</SYS>>
[/INST] nah. you are doing this incredibly generous thing for her and it's natural that she will want to be as involved as possible, but the delivery is ultimately a very intimate medical event that you are undergoing, and you don't have to have any witnesses you don't want, even her. </s>
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AITA for telling my best friend I love him on his wedding night?
|
last december, my (28f) best friend (32m) married his girlfriend (30f) of 2 years. they had a beautiful white tie garden wedding at a nice estate.
i've known my best friend since childhood. we used to spend every second together. we went to the same elementary and high school and only lived a few doors down from each other. we kept talking when he went to university, but stopped talking for about 4 years when i went and and made different friends, but eventually we both found jobs in our hometown and reconnected.*
i've always thought my best friend was attractive, but i never made a move because i'm a more traditional person and he never asked. we both went to prom with different people, dated different people in college, etc. we never kissed or had any other physicality.
so fast forward to his wedding night - the whole thing felt wrong to me. i ended up liking his now-wife, but during the period in which they were dating and engaged i still hung out with my best friend all the time. we'd go stargazing, hiking, etc. but there was never any romantic subtext to it.
on the night of the wedding, i asked one of my other friends what i should do, and she recommended that i tell him my feelings before the wedding. she said i would regret it forever if i didn't. i realized this was true.
i didn't get a chance to talk to him before the ceremony, but afterwards i managed to pull him aside and tell him that i've loved him forever. he started to cry and told me to leave. i've only spoken to him once since last december, when he texted me to make sure i was fine considering the current plague.
aita? if i am, please help me resolve this. i really miss my best friend.
| 9,323
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https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/gpzwex/aita_for_telling_my_best_friend_i_love_him_on_his/
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2020-05-24 23:32:02
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yta.
"if you don't, you'll regret it forever." are you kidding? you just made his wedding day about you and your feelings.
you either should have told him long before the wedding, or you should have kept your mouth shut.
now he'll always remember that on his wedding day, and it's your fault.
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yta. what you did was so selfish. who cares if you’d regret not being honest about something that is, frankly, immaterial if it comes at the price of ruining your friend’s wedding? he’s about to marry the love of his life and you pulled him aside to confess your love for him? that is narcissistic. nothing about that moment or day should have been about you, but you just had to seize your moment and dodge an apparent lifetime of regret because you didn’t have the stones to do it at an appropriate time (ie before he was in a relationship).
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yta. it was his wedding night. what were you thinking? also, your friend who told you to tell him is ta.
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yta - out of all time you decided to tell him on his special day and destroy everything. i’m sorry but it really looked like you’re trying to ruin the wedding on purpose.
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yta. you’ve known him since childhood and chose to wait until his wedding day, what’s supposed to be one of the happiest days of his life, to express your feelings? it’s incredibly selfish, likely ruined his day, and could’ve ruined his entire relationship. that was his day and you made it about you. you are definitely ta.
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oof. yta big time. he is in love and getting married and you ruined his one night his for yourself. how incredibly selfish this is not a rom com. you really need to move on
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yta life isn’t a rom com. did you think he would ditch the new wife and ride off into the sunset with you? what was the end game here? all you did was ruin a friendship and taint his wedding day. how utterly selfish and immature
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yta how could you not be? you took a day all about your “best friend” and his new wife, and made it all about yourself. your actions were purely selfish, and i wouldn’t blame him if your relationship never recovered. you chose the absolute worst possible time to share this information. have you never seen a romcom with this plot? what did you think would happen? that he would annul his brand new marriage and confess his love for you too?
if i was his new wife, and i knew what you’d done, i wouldn’t support a relationship with you. i’m not saying i wouldn’t “not allow” it, but i wouldn’t encourage it to continue. you showed absolutely no respect for their relationship, so why should she show any for yours?
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first of all yta. for all the reasons other people have stated.
second of all.
>i never made a move because i'm a more traditional person and he never asked.
fuck that noise. you wanted something but put no effort into getting it. you expect someone else to come and hand it to you under the pretense of "tradition".
well you missed out and now you're sad that someone else got it, and decided to make your friends wedding about you.
good job.
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yta. you had your whole life to do this. congrats you ruined the friendship.
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YTA
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YTA
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YTA
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YTA
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YTA
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YTA
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YTA
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YTA
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YTA
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YTA
| 0
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Classify the interpersonal conflict and explain your choice. Your choices are limited to you're the a**hole (yta) when the writer is causing the conflict, not the a**hole (nta) when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict, no a**holes here (nah) when no one is causing the conflict, everyone sucks here (esh) when everyone is causing the conflict, more information needed (info) when a classification cannot be made with the context provided. Conflict context: last december, my (28f) best friend (32m) married his girlfriend (30f) of 2 years. they had a beautiful white tie garden wedding at a nice estate. i've known my best friend since childhood. we used to spend every second together. we went to the same elementary and high school and only lived a few doors down from each other. we kept talking when he went to university, but stopped talking for about 4 years when i went and and made different friends, but eventually we both found jobs in our hometown and reconnected.* i've always thought my best friend was attractive, but i never made a move because i'm a more traditional person and he never asked. we both went to prom with different people, dated different people in college, etc. we never kissed or had any other physicality. so fast forward to his wedding night - the whole thing felt wrong to me. i ended up liking his now-wife, but during the period in which they were dating and engaged i still hung out with my best friend all the time. we'd go stargazing, hiking, etc. but there was never any romantic subtext to it. on the night of the wedding, i asked one of my other friends what i should do, and she recommended that i tell him my feelings before the wedding. she said i would regret it forever if i didn't. i realized this was true. i didn't get a chance to talk to him before the ceremony, but afterwards i managed to pull him aside and tell him that i've loved him forever. he started to cry and told me to leave. i've only spoken to him once since last december, when he texted me to make sure i was fine considering the current plague. aita? if i am, please help me resolve this. i really miss my best friend.
|
<s>[INST] <<SYS>>
Classify the interpersonal conflict and explain your choice. Your choices are limited to you're the a**hole (yta) when the writer is causing the conflict, not the a**hole (nta) when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict, no a**holes here (nah) when no one is causing the conflict, everyone sucks here (esh) when everyone is causing the conflict, more information needed (info) when a classification cannot be made with the context provided.
<</SYS>>
last december, my (28f) best friend (32m) married his girlfriend (30f) of 2 years. they had a beautiful white tie garden wedding at a nice estate. i've known my best friend since childhood. we used to spend every second together. we went to the same elementary and high school and only lived a few doors down from each other. we kept talking when he went to university, but stopped talking for about 4 years when i went and and made different friends, but eventually we both found jobs in our hometown and reconnected.* i've always thought my best friend was attractive, but i never made a move because i'm a more traditional person and he never asked. we both went to prom with different people, dated different people in college, etc. we never kissed or had any other physicality. so fast forward to his wedding night - the whole thing felt wrong to me. i ended up liking his now-wife, but during the period in which they were dating and engaged i still hung out with my best friend all the time. we'd go stargazing, hiking, etc. but there was never any romantic subtext to it. on the night of the wedding, i asked one of my other friends what i should do, and she recommended that i tell him my feelings before the wedding. she said i would regret it forever if i didn't. i realized this was true. i didn't get a chance to talk to him before the ceremony, but afterwards i managed to pull him aside and tell him that i've loved him forever. he started to cry and told me to leave. i've only spoken to him once since last december, when he texted me to make sure i was fine considering the current plague. aita? if i am, please help me resolve this. i really miss my best friend. [/INST] yta. "if you don't, you'll regret it forever." are you kidding? you just made his wedding day about you and your feelings. you either should have told him long before the wedding, or you should have kept your mouth shut. now he'll always remember that on his wedding day, and it's your fault. </s>
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AITA for not letting my daughter have locks for her room
|
my (43f) daughter lara (17f) has been struggling to focus on her studies with her brothers kyle (12m) and ryan (9m) constantly disrespecting her privacy. a few days ago, she was yelling for kyle to come to her room. i asked her what happened. she explained that kyle flipped all her items upside down. i called kyle to come and flip everything right side up.
yesterday, ryan was running into her room and kept stealing her stuff, while she ran to get them back. on the night of the same day, lara was trying to sleep, when the brothers suddenly barged in and ran through it, resulting in her screaming at them to stay out and close the door while she was sleeping, to give a few examples.
today in the morning, her father (48m) told her he didn't like the way she was screaming. she said that she was trying to sleep and her brothers were making all kinds of ruckus. he told her that they are kids and they will learn. she said that they will never learn and the only way for them to learn is to have locks installed for her room. he did not want her to and they went back and forth on this until she threatened she would move out as soon as she became financially independent since she wasn't going to wait for them to mature and they should already know to respect her privacy to which he said to wait to include me in the conversation.
i overheard, and when she went to her room, i told her she wasn't going to have locks set up because she already wastes her time without the need for locks and i don't want her to fail. lara said that they were never going to listen without them and i told her that i would make sure they wouldn't enter her room.
this evening, i heard her shouting for me. we were all in the living room. her father explained what was going on. lara said that she was making kyle tea when he did he's not allowed to do. she said that she was going to tell on them and he said that if she promises to not tell, he and ryan will never go into her room again. she didn't say anthing so they ran upstairs to her room.
i told her that she has no right to complain since she always sleeps in kyle's room after school. her brothers all agree and lara calls all of us the worst, none of us are allowed in her room, and leaves. she comes back after a minute and says that she only sleeps in kyle's room because he never uses it aside from sleeping at night, and if he was to use it for studying, then she would never go there. meanwhile, they constantly disturb her, mess with her stuff, and made her unable to sleep just last night.
i told her if they ever go into her room, she needs to go to me. then kyle starts saying that they had the right to go into her room while she was trying to sleep because they were playing. lara yelled at him, then said that she couldn't wait to move out soon so she no longer has to deal with them. she also called me an awful mother for not giving her her bedroom locks.
| 14,353
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https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/yoa7t2/aita_for_not_letting_my_daughter_have_locks_for/
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2022-11-07 02:27:59
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yta
and what exactly are you doing to stop your sons acting like assholes? they wreck her room, ignore her right to privacy, and barge in when she's sleeping. what exactly have you done to impress on your sons that this behaviour is not acceptable? they're old enough to know better so why don't they?
|
yta
a 17 year old deserves privacy. why is your inability to keep your younger kids under control her problem?
either get her a lock or parent your sons.
don’t expect to have a relationship with her after she gets out.
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why on earth are you allowing your younger children to act like that?
messing with their sister's things and disrupting her study time is bad enough. running through the room while she's sleeping is even worse.
yta for allowing this bad behavior and for not getting a lock.
my parents put a lock on my door when i was 9 to keep my younger siblings out of my private space because they respected me enough to not allow my belongings to be destroyed by their children
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yta. parent your children. a 12 and 9 year old shouldn't be acting like this. also, have you considered your daughter has trouble concentrating/wasting her time because of your unruly boys that you refuse to discipline?
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yta. y'all let your boys do whatever and blame her for it. maybe the reason she gets bad grades is because she doesn't get enough sleep and can't concentrate with boys running all over her room? you did nothing to the boys and even let them *tell you the parent* that they are still going to go in there and disobey you and you did nothing.
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yta
> brothers kyle (12m) and ryan (9m) constantly disrespecting her privacy.
why the fuck are you tolerating that kind of shit? parent your children, already!
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yta and so is your husband. there would be no need for locks if you disciplined your sons when they invaded her privacy. she's 17 and a woman. she does not need little boys constantly barging into her private space.
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yta...and not a very caring mom.
obviously your sons are the favorite and your daughter is just expected to deal with their lack of boundaries and bad behavior. is she your step-daughter by any chance? because it sounds like how you are treating her.
your daughter is 17 and will be legally allowed to leave home very soon- and you & your husband's attitudes is telling her that you don't care. your boys are 12 & 9 old enough to know right from wrong and respect privacy boundaries. if they don't -that is on you.
they should have consequences to their actions and misbehavior. but it doesn't sound like there is - at least for the boys. you make excuses for their behavior, don't really listen to your daughter and expect her to wait around until they 'mature'. tell me, how old was your daughter when you taught her boundaries and about privacy? i'm betting younger than 10.
for the short time your daughter is still with you i suggest you allow her locks on the door and tell the boys that if they pound on the door, disturb her when she is sleeping etc. that there will be punishments involved. a 17 year old girl should have some privacy from her little brothers and they shouldn't be allowed to run rampant through her room and use it as a playroom.
don't be surprised if you relationship continues to deteriorate as time goes on because you and your husband treat her like her feelings don't matter - and by extension she doesn't, only the boys matter. she sees it. she feels it. she will eventually go lc or nc with you because of the hurt(s) you have inflicted on her.
this is so much more than a lock on a bedroom door. i am sad you can't see that. do better while you have the chance. you're running out of time.
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yta. control your children. listen to your daughter. she's a few months away from being a legal adult and doesn't want her young brothers in her room. they are destructive and loud. you may have a daughter that moves out and cuts you off.
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yta
i don't hear any parenting in your post. where are the rules being put down by the parents? where are the consequences that you've told them they will all receive for violating the rules? where is the enforcing of the consequences? sounds like the kids run the house.
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YTA
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YTA
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YTA
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YTA
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YTA
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YTA
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YTA
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YTA
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YTA
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YTA
| 0
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Classify the interpersonal conflict and explain your choice. Your choices are limited to you're the a**hole (yta) when the writer is causing the conflict, not the a**hole (nta) when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict, no a**holes here (nah) when no one is causing the conflict, everyone sucks here (esh) when everyone is causing the conflict, more information needed (info) when a classification cannot be made with the context provided. Conflict context: my (43f) daughter lara (17f) has been struggling to focus on her studies with her brothers kyle (12m) and ryan (9m) constantly disrespecting her privacy. a few days ago, she was yelling for kyle to come to her room. i asked her what happened. she explained that kyle flipped all her items upside down. i called kyle to come and flip everything right side up. yesterday, ryan was running into her room and kept stealing her stuff, while she ran to get them back. on the night of the same day, lara was trying to sleep, when the brothers suddenly barged in and ran through it, resulting in her screaming at them to stay out and close the door while she was sleeping, to give a few examples. today in the morning, her father (48m) told her he didn't like the way she was screaming. she said that she was trying to sleep and her brothers were making all kinds of ruckus. he told her that they are kids and they will learn. she said that they will never learn and the only way for them to learn is to have locks installed for her room. he did not want her to and they went back and forth on this until she threatened she would move out as soon as she became financially independent since she wasn't going to wait for them to mature and they should already know to respect her privacy to which he said to wait to include me in the conversation. i overheard, and when she went to her room, i told her she wasn't going to have locks set up because she already wastes her time without the need for locks and i don't want her to fail. lara said that they were never going to listen without them and i told her that i would make sure they wouldn't enter her room. this evening, i heard her shouting for me. we were all in the living room. her father explained what was going on. lara said that she was making kyle tea when he did he's not allowed to do. she said that she was going to tell on them and he said that if she promises to not tell, he and ryan will never go into her room again. she didn't say anthing so they ran upstairs to her room. i told her that she has no right to complain since she always sleeps in kyle's room after school. her brothers all agree and lara calls all of us the worst, none of us are allowed in her room, and leaves. she comes back after a minute and says that she only sleeps in kyle's room because he never uses it aside from sleeping at night, and if he was to use it for studying, then she would never go there. meanwhile, they constantly disturb her, mess with her stuff, and made her unable to sleep just last night. i told her if they ever go into her room, she needs to go to me. then kyle starts saying that they had the right to go into her room while she was trying to sleep because they were playing. lara yelled at him, then said that she couldn't wait to move out soon so she no longer has to deal with them. she also called me an awful mother for not giving her her bedroom locks.
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<s>[INST] <<SYS>>
Classify the interpersonal conflict and explain your choice. Your choices are limited to you're the a**hole (yta) when the writer is causing the conflict, not the a**hole (nta) when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict, no a**holes here (nah) when no one is causing the conflict, everyone sucks here (esh) when everyone is causing the conflict, more information needed (info) when a classification cannot be made with the context provided.
<</SYS>>
my (43f) daughter lara (17f) has been struggling to focus on her studies with her brothers kyle (12m) and ryan (9m) constantly disrespecting her privacy. a few days ago, she was yelling for kyle to come to her room. i asked her what happened. she explained that kyle flipped all her items upside down. i called kyle to come and flip everything right side up. yesterday, ryan was running into her room and kept stealing her stuff, while she ran to get them back. on the night of the same day, lara was trying to sleep, when the brothers suddenly barged in and ran through it, resulting in her screaming at them to stay out and close the door while she was sleeping, to give a few examples. today in the morning, her father (48m) told her he didn't like the way she was screaming. she said that she was trying to sleep and her brothers were making all kinds of ruckus. he told her that they are kids and they will learn. she said that they will never learn and the only way for them to learn is to have locks installed for her room. he did not want her to and they went back and forth on this until she threatened she would move out as soon as she became financially independent since she wasn't going to wait for them to mature and they should already know to respect her privacy to which he said to wait to include me in the conversation. i overheard, and when she went to her room, i told her she wasn't going to have locks set up because she already wastes her time without the need for locks and i don't want her to fail. lara said that they were never going to listen without them and i told her that i would make sure they wouldn't enter her room. this evening, i heard her shouting for me. we were all in the living room. her father explained what was going on. lara said that she was making kyle tea when he did he's not allowed to do. she said that she was going to tell on them and he said that if she promises to not tell, he and ryan will never go into her room again. she didn't say anthing so they ran upstairs to her room. i told her that she has no right to complain since she always sleeps in kyle's room after school. her brothers all agree and lara calls all of us the worst, none of us are allowed in her room, and leaves. she comes back after a minute and says that she only sleeps in kyle's room because he never uses it aside from sleeping at night, and if he was to use it for studying, then she would never go there. meanwhile, they constantly disturb her, mess with her stuff, and made her unable to sleep just last night. i told her if they ever go into her room, she needs to go to me. then kyle starts saying that they had the right to go into her room while she was trying to sleep because they were playing. lara yelled at him, then said that she couldn't wait to move out soon so she no longer has to deal with them. she also called me an awful mother for not giving her her bedroom locks. [/INST] yta and what exactly are you doing to stop your sons acting like assholes? they wreck her room, ignore her right to privacy, and barge in when she's sleeping. what exactly have you done to impress on your sons that this behaviour is not acceptable? they're old enough to know better so why don't they? </s>
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AITA: For asking my ex-wife for more of a notice than last minute?
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my ex-wife and i (33m) divorced in 2013, she cheated on me and then took our child and ran off with the guy, ended up marrying him and having two more children with him. we went through a messy divorce and then finally i settled and basically let her have things her way. i have always paid my child support and have to the best of my ability been there physically for my child and by no means think i am stellar father or parent.
fast forward to the present. things were not all sunshine and rainbows for my ex, to spare the details she has left her current husband and now lives in the next city over to me and has been there since the end of september. she took our son and the other two children with her. the first weekend she came to drop off my child i had made plans with my parents to take him out on their boat for the night and go fishing, as she is dropping him off she tells me they are going to one of her family members birthday parties and that "they were all looking forward to seeing our child" and that she wants me to cancel my plans that i had made with my family to go to hers. i stand my ground and tell her no that i had already made plans for him to spend time with me and my parents. it had been two years since i or his grandparents had seen him. two weeks ago her grandfather had passed away and she came to town for his funeral, she called me the day of the funeral to tell me she was in town and wondering if i could take our son for a couple of hours so he could see me, i told her that i was at work until late and that had i known even the day before i could have taken the day off and been their for him.
fast forward again to this morning, she calls me asking me what i am up to this weekend, i tell her that i had made plans to go out of town with some of my co-workers. she askes me if they could include our son, i said no because there wouldn't be enough room in the vehicle we were going to take. she explains that because the father of the other two kids had came and picked up his kids that our child was feeling down. so i said i was willing to cancel my plans and take him for the weekend. so then i ask that she gives me more of a notice so that i can plan accordingly and i made a comment that she always tries to make plans last minute and that i would appreciate even a days notice. i said this in a calm manner because i didn't think it is a big deal to ask for that. she got defensive and said she has never done this and called me a dick and hung up on me. this behavior has been going on for years and i have always done my best to accommodate. so reddit i am the asshole here or i guess in this case the dick?
| 449
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https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/k7dihy/aita_for_asking_my_exwife_for_more_of_a_notice/
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2020-12-05 19:07:01
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info: why did you go two years without seeing your child? if you're going to put in all the background about your ex being horrible, it seems like that's also relevant.
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esh. sure, your ex seems like a difficult person to co-parent with. but you've responded to this by not being a parent at all. two years without seeing your kid? why did you never go visit him? and you couldn't take time off work to see your kid? when you're a full time parent, you have to take time off work at the last minute for your kid all the time. yes, it's difficult. being a parent is difficult!
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yta
not for this situation, but for not getting a custody agreement in place that would allow you to see your son regularly. you owe it to him to make sure you have regular parenting time.
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esh her for cancelling visits and springing surprise ones on you, and you for not making much of an effort to see your son in 2 entire years.
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info: why did you go 2 years without seeing your child? did you not try to get any kind of custody arrangement?
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info: why haven’t you got court ordered custody/visitation days for the child? or even a verbal agreement? what’s happening with your kids that your custody is so... infrequent and laissez fair?
and you talk about when you actually get to see them as more inconvenient babysitting duties. i get what she did was horrendous and i have nothing but sympathy for what you went through, but you make it sound like when you pulled away from her you pulled away from the kid too.
i think we’re missing a lot of context here, but it seems like there’s a lot more issues at play than this need more notice
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info you spend a lot of time talking about how awful your ex is....but you don't explain why you went two years without seeing your child. it sounds like she's allowing the visitation as a judge likely would revoke visitation after you abandoning the child for that long.
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nta
you need to go to court.
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yta for not seeing your kid in two years. things are last minute all the time when you have a kid.
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esh. should she give you more notice whenever possible? yes. but her grandpa died. that’s cruel to expect more notice. and you’re “willing” to cancel your plans to see your son? how nice of you. she should work on communicating with you and you need to be more accepting that part of being a parent is plans changing for your kids.
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INFO
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ESH
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YTA
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ESH
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INFO
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INFO
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INFO
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NTA
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YTA
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ESH
| 0.314447
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Classify the interpersonal conflict and explain your choice. Your choices are limited to you're the a**hole (yta) when the writer is causing the conflict, not the a**hole (nta) when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict, no a**holes here (nah) when no one is causing the conflict, everyone sucks here (esh) when everyone is causing the conflict, more information needed (info) when a classification cannot be made with the context provided. Conflict context: my ex-wife and i (33m) divorced in 2013, she cheated on me and then took our child and ran off with the guy, ended up marrying him and having two more children with him. we went through a messy divorce and then finally i settled and basically let her have things her way. i have always paid my child support and have to the best of my ability been there physically for my child and by no means think i am stellar father or parent. fast forward to the present. things were not all sunshine and rainbows for my ex, to spare the details she has left her current husband and now lives in the next city over to me and has been there since the end of september. she took our son and the other two children with her. the first weekend she came to drop off my child i had made plans with my parents to take him out on their boat for the night and go fishing, as she is dropping him off she tells me they are going to one of her family members birthday parties and that "they were all looking forward to seeing our child" and that she wants me to cancel my plans that i had made with my family to go to hers. i stand my ground and tell her no that i had already made plans for him to spend time with me and my parents. it had been two years since i or his grandparents had seen him. two weeks ago her grandfather had passed away and she came to town for his funeral, she called me the day of the funeral to tell me she was in town and wondering if i could take our son for a couple of hours so he could see me, i told her that i was at work until late and that had i known even the day before i could have taken the day off and been their for him. fast forward again to this morning, she calls me asking me what i am up to this weekend, i tell her that i had made plans to go out of town with some of my co-workers. she askes me if they could include our son, i said no because there wouldn't be enough room in the vehicle we were going to take. she explains that because the father of the other two kids had came and picked up his kids that our child was feeling down. so i said i was willing to cancel my plans and take him for the weekend. so then i ask that she gives me more of a notice so that i can plan accordingly and i made a comment that she always tries to make plans last minute and that i would appreciate even a days notice. i said this in a calm manner because i didn't think it is a big deal to ask for that. she got defensive and said she has never done this and called me a dick and hung up on me. this behavior has been going on for years and i have always done my best to accommodate. so reddit i am the asshole here or i guess in this case the dick?
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<s>[INST] <<SYS>>
Classify the interpersonal conflict and explain your choice. Your choices are limited to you're the a**hole (yta) when the writer is causing the conflict, not the a**hole (nta) when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict, no a**holes here (nah) when no one is causing the conflict, everyone sucks here (esh) when everyone is causing the conflict, more information needed (info) when a classification cannot be made with the context provided.
<</SYS>>
my ex-wife and i (33m) divorced in 2013, she cheated on me and then took our child and ran off with the guy, ended up marrying him and having two more children with him. we went through a messy divorce and then finally i settled and basically let her have things her way. i have always paid my child support and have to the best of my ability been there physically for my child and by no means think i am stellar father or parent. fast forward to the present. things were not all sunshine and rainbows for my ex, to spare the details she has left her current husband and now lives in the next city over to me and has been there since the end of september. she took our son and the other two children with her. the first weekend she came to drop off my child i had made plans with my parents to take him out on their boat for the night and go fishing, as she is dropping him off she tells me they are going to one of her family members birthday parties and that "they were all looking forward to seeing our child" and that she wants me to cancel my plans that i had made with my family to go to hers. i stand my ground and tell her no that i had already made plans for him to spend time with me and my parents. it had been two years since i or his grandparents had seen him. two weeks ago her grandfather had passed away and she came to town for his funeral, she called me the day of the funeral to tell me she was in town and wondering if i could take our son for a couple of hours so he could see me, i told her that i was at work until late and that had i known even the day before i could have taken the day off and been their for him. fast forward again to this morning, she calls me asking me what i am up to this weekend, i tell her that i had made plans to go out of town with some of my co-workers. she askes me if they could include our son, i said no because there wouldn't be enough room in the vehicle we were going to take. she explains that because the father of the other two kids had came and picked up his kids that our child was feeling down. so i said i was willing to cancel my plans and take him for the weekend. so then i ask that she gives me more of a notice so that i can plan accordingly and i made a comment that she always tries to make plans last minute and that i would appreciate even a days notice. i said this in a calm manner because i didn't think it is a big deal to ask for that. she got defensive and said she has never done this and called me a dick and hung up on me. this behavior has been going on for years and i have always done my best to accommodate. so reddit i am the asshole here or i guess in this case the dick? [/INST] info: why did you go two years without seeing your child? if you're going to put in all the background about your ex being horrible, it seems like that's also relevant. </s>
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AITA for only paying for myself when my fiance and future inlaws invited me to a NYE dinner at a scale restaurant?
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i f32 just got engaged to my fiance m37 sam. we do not live together because we're waiting til marriage given he and his family are highly conservative christians but they're really nice and loveable people.
i had plans to spend nye with sam but he said he was out for nye dinner celebration with his parents then called me again inviting me to join them and i happily did.
his parents were there, <they welcomed me and ordered many dishes and desserts and drinks. we celebrated and had great time that is until it was time to pay.
i pulled my wallet out of my bag letting them know that we'll split the check between us. sam mumbled "no you don't have to, we invited you" but i insisted. he and his parents then stared at me; i asked what was wrong and both mil & fil said they didn't have money on them. i was shocked i turned to sam and he said he too forgot his wallet at home and didn't bring enough money to cover even on round of drinks. his dad then laughed nervously "aright so guess we should let the doctor pay!!" i was taken a back i said i'm sorry but no this is just so much money to spend on one dinner by myself and i didn't think i was expected to pay the entire bill. sam said i should pay and he'd pay me back later but i said no since i know he will have to get a job to pay that much money. i said i'm sorry but this isn't the first time i've been put in this situation by him and family where i'm expected to rescue them after they somehow forgot their wallets and expectbothers to pay hundreds for their extravagant dinner. i told them i'll only pay for what i had and that's it, he and his parents were shocked. they started arguing about how i have the potential to pay right there and then but i was acting as if they were strangers not family but that doesn't mean i'm obligated to pay, how could someone go out to a fancy restuarant, order so many dishes, desserts and drinks without bringing money?. sam begged that i just do it and call it a night but i refused. the argument got heated then i got up and walked out.
sam called later at 2am basically yelling that i ruined nye celebration and made his parents suffer because i refused to pay the entire bill amd instead acted selfishly and paid only for myself after they were gracious enough to invite me. i told him how unfair it was for me to pay even if i have a good salary doesn't mean i want to spend it all on fancy dinner. he didn't reply he just said he'll pray that my parents will let this go and not resent me after i basically damaged the relationship with them.
i felt awful thinking i should've covered the bill instead of leaving. aita?
| 26,242
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https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/rti8bm/aita_for_only_paying_for_myself_when_my_fiance/
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2022-01-01 12:09:30
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nta. they all conveniently left their wallets at home, it doesn’t seem likely they forgot them at all, and they invited you with the expectation that you’ll pay.
you should rethink marrying this guy, he expected you to pay for an expensive meal, without your knowledge and you’ve been put in this situation before by him, it seems he’s using you for money and that’s extended to his family.
they ruined their own nye, by trying to force someone else to pay for a meal they cannot afford.
edit. thank you for the awards and upvotes.
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lol. well you have to admire their nerve.
"he'll pray that my parents will let this go"
and im praying you let his parents go. ffs
nta.
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nta
>sam called later at 2am basically yelling that i ruined nye celebration and made his parents suffer because i refused to pay the entire bill amd instead acted selfishly and paid only for myself after they were gracious enough to invite me.
i was wtfing throughout most of your op, but this is where my jaw hit the floor and made off for the sunset.
it's so *painfully* obvious that your future husband and in-laws are using you for your money. they weren't being "gracious" to invite you; it was a calculated move so that you'd end up in a position to pick up the entire bill and your husband should be mortified that they did this. instead he's backing his parents up and manipulating you into thinking that you should've rolled over and paid.
you need to rethink this marriage. this isn't the first and it won't be the last time you will be put in this position and it's clear that your husband will always be on the side of his supposedly "nice and lovable" parents while they all take advantage of you. is this what you want the rest of your life to look like?
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nta. sounds like you were invited just to pay the bill. red flag.
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so hold on ...
🚩 you had plans with sam until he informed you he had plans with his parents, leaving you solo
🚩 he invited you what sounds like after their partying has begun - why would they be not inviting you to begin with?
🚩 he mumbles something that *sounds* like they'd cover you but ...
🚩 ... they then pressure you into paying, pulling a lot of emotional manipulation ("acting as if strangers not family")
🚩 your fiance's father *makes a joke* out of saying "guess we'll let the doctor pay"
🚩 fiance has no job, apparently
🚩 they've done this before
🚩 your fiance doesn't have your back at all, and is now *blaming" you
🚩 fiance is also now implying you've "damaged the relationship"
tl;dr: your unemployed fiance doesn't respect you enough to even include you in celebratory events, and neither does his family, with the exception of using you as a family atm and clearly sees you that way.
also, if they were able to leave the restaurant, they clearly had means to pay and only invited you to get you to foot the bill. you have a terrible partner.
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nta. this was a set up and good for you for refusing to go along with it.
i would rethink this marriage since your fiancé and his parents want you to be the family cash cow. if this has happened before, they they should have been extra careful not to forget their wallets again. and calling you ‘the doctor’ was very telling.
and why doesn’t a 37 year old man have enough money to pay a restaurant bill?
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nta but i’m wondering why you are planning to marry this man and also become a member of his family? he’s clearly using you for money. that’s the only reason they invited you at the last minute and then conveniently’forgot’ their wallets
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yta for posting this fake ass story. yta for becoming a doctor by 32, (after residency?), and not figure out how to use a period or comma. yta for letting this happen multiple times, apparently (if true). yta for not living with your fiancé before marriage when he doesn’t have a job. yta for accepting a proposal from a man who doesn’t have a job when you have one that will keep you incredibly busy as being a “doctor” does. yta for apparently being so sheltered you have no problem with any of the aspects of this relationship. yta for not responding “who the hell doesn’t bring their wallet to a restaurant where we’ll be drinking at it’s the law to check all ids before serving alcohol?”
i’d be very concerned if you were my doctor considering your people and decision-making skills. good luck with the wedding you’ll be paying for yourself and the family of fucking weirdos attached to it.
jk there is no wedding or fiancé, but cute write up. clearly fun for a laugh
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nta, but you will be if you stay in this relationship. you have three adults here who all “forgot” their wallets. i thought it was weird that you weren’t invited in the first place and it escalated really quickly.
i hope you leave this relationship. you are being used by this family and you don’t even have a wedding ring yet. considering this is not the first time this has happened i am seeing a red banner. forgot the flags. we need something bigger here.
also, why does your 37 year old fiancé not have a job and why are you okay with this?
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wait a second, “lovable” people forget their means to pay at dinner more than once? how many times have you fallen for this? what are you doing agreeing to marry someone who acts this way?
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
| null |
NTA
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NTA
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YTA
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NTA
| null | 0.04134
|
Classify the interpersonal conflict and explain your choice. Your choices are limited to you're the a**hole (yta) when the writer is causing the conflict, not the a**hole (nta) when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict, no a**holes here (nah) when no one is causing the conflict, everyone sucks here (esh) when everyone is causing the conflict, more information needed (info) when a classification cannot be made with the context provided. Conflict context: i f32 just got engaged to my fiance m37 sam. we do not live together because we're waiting til marriage given he and his family are highly conservative christians but they're really nice and loveable people. i had plans to spend nye with sam but he said he was out for nye dinner celebration with his parents then called me again inviting me to join them and i happily did. his parents were there, <they welcomed me and ordered many dishes and desserts and drinks. we celebrated and had great time that is until it was time to pay. i pulled my wallet out of my bag letting them know that we'll split the check between us. sam mumbled "no you don't have to, we invited you" but i insisted. he and his parents then stared at me; i asked what was wrong and both mil & fil said they didn't have money on them. i was shocked i turned to sam and he said he too forgot his wallet at home and didn't bring enough money to cover even on round of drinks. his dad then laughed nervously "aright so guess we should let the doctor pay!!" i was taken a back i said i'm sorry but no this is just so much money to spend on one dinner by myself and i didn't think i was expected to pay the entire bill. sam said i should pay and he'd pay me back later but i said no since i know he will have to get a job to pay that much money. i said i'm sorry but this isn't the first time i've been put in this situation by him and family where i'm expected to rescue them after they somehow forgot their wallets and expectbothers to pay hundreds for their extravagant dinner. i told them i'll only pay for what i had and that's it, he and his parents were shocked. they started arguing about how i have the potential to pay right there and then but i was acting as if they were strangers not family but that doesn't mean i'm obligated to pay, how could someone go out to a fancy restuarant, order so many dishes, desserts and drinks without bringing money?. sam begged that i just do it and call it a night but i refused. the argument got heated then i got up and walked out. sam called later at 2am basically yelling that i ruined nye celebration and made his parents suffer because i refused to pay the entire bill amd instead acted selfishly and paid only for myself after they were gracious enough to invite me. i told him how unfair it was for me to pay even if i have a good salary doesn't mean i want to spend it all on fancy dinner. he didn't reply he just said he'll pray that my parents will let this go and not resent me after i basically damaged the relationship with them. i felt awful thinking i should've covered the bill instead of leaving. aita?
|
<s>[INST] <<SYS>>
Classify the interpersonal conflict and explain your choice. Your choices are limited to you're the a**hole (yta) when the writer is causing the conflict, not the a**hole (nta) when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict, no a**holes here (nah) when no one is causing the conflict, everyone sucks here (esh) when everyone is causing the conflict, more information needed (info) when a classification cannot be made with the context provided.
<</SYS>>
i f32 just got engaged to my fiance m37 sam. we do not live together because we're waiting til marriage given he and his family are highly conservative christians but they're really nice and loveable people. i had plans to spend nye with sam but he said he was out for nye dinner celebration with his parents then called me again inviting me to join them and i happily did. his parents were there, <they welcomed me and ordered many dishes and desserts and drinks. we celebrated and had great time that is until it was time to pay. i pulled my wallet out of my bag letting them know that we'll split the check between us. sam mumbled "no you don't have to, we invited you" but i insisted. he and his parents then stared at me; i asked what was wrong and both mil & fil said they didn't have money on them. i was shocked i turned to sam and he said he too forgot his wallet at home and didn't bring enough money to cover even on round of drinks. his dad then laughed nervously "aright so guess we should let the doctor pay!!" i was taken a back i said i'm sorry but no this is just so much money to spend on one dinner by myself and i didn't think i was expected to pay the entire bill. sam said i should pay and he'd pay me back later but i said no since i know he will have to get a job to pay that much money. i said i'm sorry but this isn't the first time i've been put in this situation by him and family where i'm expected to rescue them after they somehow forgot their wallets and expectbothers to pay hundreds for their extravagant dinner. i told them i'll only pay for what i had and that's it, he and his parents were shocked. they started arguing about how i have the potential to pay right there and then but i was acting as if they were strangers not family but that doesn't mean i'm obligated to pay, how could someone go out to a fancy restuarant, order so many dishes, desserts and drinks without bringing money?. sam begged that i just do it and call it a night but i refused. the argument got heated then i got up and walked out. sam called later at 2am basically yelling that i ruined nye celebration and made his parents suffer because i refused to pay the entire bill amd instead acted selfishly and paid only for myself after they were gracious enough to invite me. i told him how unfair it was for me to pay even if i have a good salary doesn't mean i want to spend it all on fancy dinner. he didn't reply he just said he'll pray that my parents will let this go and not resent me after i basically damaged the relationship with them. i felt awful thinking i should've covered the bill instead of leaving. aita? [/INST] nta. they all conveniently left their wallets at home, it doesn’t seem likely they forgot them at all, and they invited you with the expectation that you’ll pay. you should rethink marrying this guy, he expected you to pay for an expensive meal, without your knowledge and you’ve been put in this situation before by him, it seems he’s using you for money and that’s extended to his family. they ruined their own nye, by trying to force someone else to pay for a meal they cannot afford. edit. thank you for the awards and upvotes. </s>
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AITA for continuing to call my teacher by her first name when she refers to me by my last name?
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my teacher doesn’t like my first name and always talks about how weird it is, and how my last name should be my first. so she took it upon herself to only refer to me by my last name, on tests she’d even cross out my first name when i wrote it. i kept telling her i preferred being called by my first name, but she laughed it off. so i started calling her by her first name, the first time she was shocked but after a month she just kept yelling to me how i was being really disrespectful. i’ve gotten numerous detentions because of it, but i don’t want to stop until she calls me my first name. so aita if i keep calling her by her first name.
edit for more information: i have an arabic name and live in a country where majority of people are arabs. i should also clarify that in my country we already call teachers by their first name (ex: mrs. [name]) however i stopped addressing the mrs and only call her by her name. the country i live in isn’t very well, and school systems are upside which is why it may be different then everyone else’s.
| 23,480
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https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/dcvwmo/aita_for_continuing_to_call_my_teacher_by_her/
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2019-10-03 19:37:13
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nta - thats very out of line for someone with authority over you. maybe talk to someone higher than her at the school about it?
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nta but report her to the principal or something. seems like the only person getting hurt here is you
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nta she’s being disrespectful of you. it’s not up to her to approve or disapprove of your name. have your parents talked about it with her or the principal? she sounds like a real piece of work.
edit to change judgment.
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info
how has administration not gotten involved to settled this once and for all yet?
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nta. shes crazy, to actually tell you she doesn't like your name and to cross it out is absolutely insane. i'd be talking to the principal about that. her fixation on your name is not only bizarre and creepy but unprofessional.
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nta
it's utterly unprofessional of her to discriminate your preferred name and in such case she's the asshole. but, you've probably noticed your tactic hasn't worked so far, and it's just fuelling her immature behaviour.
as others have already suggested, refer to her superiors.
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nta, but make sure she knows *why* you’re doing it. if for some reason she’s not connecting dots in her head she could see it as genuine disrespect. (she’d also be an idiot, but i digress) i’d also consider talking about it with school administrators, they probably won’t agree with the retaliation but could help you make her understand you feel disrespected in her classroom.
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nta
nope nope nope nope nope. absolutely not. as a teacher myself kids \[in good fun\] like to mess with my last name - in response i will **always** call them by their given name instead of by the nickname they'd prefer \[think joey versus joseph so an example would be "hey mr. egnardo", "oh, hi joseph!" they learn really freaking quick that if they want their name to be said properly they can't screw with other people's names. frankly there comes a point where i would bring this up with someone over the teacher's head.
|
nta
your teacher is disrespecting you. is your name an ethnic name (from your ethnic group)? if so, you can potentially make a stink about this as a form of discriminatory behavior on her part. assuming you’re in a public school, can you report this to someone working for the school district or complain to officials in the city?
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nta
logically, i wouldn't totally disagree if someone said "everyone sucks here" b/c you're retaliating in your own way but the power imbalance really pivots this to your teacher being the a-hole. i mean, *crossing out your first name*?! saying your name is *weird*?! those are just straight up dick moves. eff her. that kind of pettiness and abuse of power is a serious flag on her fitness for teaching. it's only october -- do you have eight more months of this? even eight more days is more than you should have to put up with.
you sound like you've got some gumption (good for you! and yes, i am a hundred and eighty years old for using "gumption") but imagine her treating someone with less self esteem or who is emotionally vulnerable. i am irrationally angry and defensive on your behalf. i can almost guarantee she has/is terrorizing other students and i hope you're the person to make this stop.
you have every right to escalate this to administration and if you haven't already told your parents, please do so.
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
|
INFO
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
| 0.003
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Classify the interpersonal conflict and explain your choice. Your choices are limited to you're the a**hole (yta) when the writer is causing the conflict, not the a**hole (nta) when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict, no a**holes here (nah) when no one is causing the conflict, everyone sucks here (esh) when everyone is causing the conflict, more information needed (info) when a classification cannot be made with the context provided. Conflict context: my teacher doesn’t like my first name and always talks about how weird it is, and how my last name should be my first. so she took it upon herself to only refer to me by my last name, on tests she’d even cross out my first name when i wrote it. i kept telling her i preferred being called by my first name, but she laughed it off. so i started calling her by her first name, the first time she was shocked but after a month she just kept yelling to me how i was being really disrespectful. i’ve gotten numerous detentions because of it, but i don’t want to stop until she calls me my first name. so aita if i keep calling her by her first name. edit for more information: i have an arabic name and live in a country where majority of people are arabs. i should also clarify that in my country we already call teachers by their first name (ex: mrs. [name]) however i stopped addressing the mrs and only call her by her name. the country i live in isn’t very well, and school systems are upside which is why it may be different then everyone else’s.
|
<s>[INST] <<SYS>>
Classify the interpersonal conflict and explain your choice. Your choices are limited to you're the a**hole (yta) when the writer is causing the conflict, not the a**hole (nta) when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict, no a**holes here (nah) when no one is causing the conflict, everyone sucks here (esh) when everyone is causing the conflict, more information needed (info) when a classification cannot be made with the context provided.
<</SYS>>
my teacher doesn’t like my first name and always talks about how weird it is, and how my last name should be my first. so she took it upon herself to only refer to me by my last name, on tests she’d even cross out my first name when i wrote it. i kept telling her i preferred being called by my first name, but she laughed it off. so i started calling her by her first name, the first time she was shocked but after a month she just kept yelling to me how i was being really disrespectful. i’ve gotten numerous detentions because of it, but i don’t want to stop until she calls me my first name. so aita if i keep calling her by her first name. edit for more information: i have an arabic name and live in a country where majority of people are arabs. i should also clarify that in my country we already call teachers by their first name (ex: mrs. [name]) however i stopped addressing the mrs and only call her by her name. the country i live in isn’t very well, and school systems are upside which is why it may be different then everyone else’s. [/INST] nta - thats very out of line for someone with authority over you. maybe talk to someone higher than her at the school about it? </s>
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AITA for purposely embarassing my dad and his wife at family events?
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it's the same old story of my dad cheating on my mom and marrying his affair partner. this went down two years ago.
my dad's family has kind of accepted my dad's new wife. i have never accepted her. but i'm not screaming at them or anything.
what brings me to ask if i am the asshole is the fact i go to every family event and make it super awkward for my dad and his wife.
once, i saw them arrive and said "uh oh, hold on to your husbands everyone."
and during thanksgiving, i said i was thankful that my mom had found a real man who was loyal and strong for once. this was referring to her new boyfriend.
stupid comments like that.
my comments usually make my grandparents laugh but my dad and his wife are very clearly uncomfortable and embarassed.
but i keep getting invited back to these events. i just figured feeling uncomfortable is a small price to pay after destroying family.
my dad has apologized for the affair and has asked me to stop with the comments but i don't think i will.
aita?
| 2,719
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https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/e9oqra/aita_for_purposely_embarassing_my_dad_and_his/
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2019-12-12 15:08:40
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esh, and kind of shocked by all of the yta's here. what you're doing is petty and juvenile, but obviously your dad and his mistress-turned-wife are assholes, bigger assholes in this scenario by a mile. however, your jabs are completely unnecessary, it's not like everyone doesn't already know that they're cheaters.
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yta. cut him off if you hate him so much
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yta, grow up. all relationships have ups and downs and, while i can agree that the classic “leaving wife for the mistress” thing is bs, you still don’t know everything that happened in your parents’ marriage. you’re just coming off like...well, an asshole.
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obviously esh, but i’m petty and can’t say i’d act any better in your shoes.
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yta. but i don’t think you should stop. this is hilarious and he completely deserves it.
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yta.
what exactly do you get out of this? petty revenge? you have right to feel anger at him, but the only thing you are accomplishing is hurting him. even if he was wrong to cheat, you are being the ass now.
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its a hard choice, but nta . he cheated on your mother and then divorced her to marry his mistress. is what you're doing classy? no, but it was earned. don't do stupid stuff if you want your kids to respect you.
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esh he's a cheater
you should just ignore him and treat him with that. your scathing words won't change shit. treat him like nothing
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nta.
marriages sometimes don’t make it. i’m a divorced father myself. however, he dishonored himself and disrespected his family horribly. your father betrayed you all, and his affair partner knew exactly what she was doing.
you have to live with the consequences of what he’s done. so i have no sympathy that you remind him of it.
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yta. you better be sure to never make a horrible choice so that those types of comments are made to you at every family event for the rest of your life.
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ESH
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YTA
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YTA
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ESH
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YTA
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YTA
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NTA
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ESH
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NTA
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YTA
| 0.228883
|
Classify the interpersonal conflict and explain your choice. Your choices are limited to you're the a**hole (yta) when the writer is causing the conflict, not the a**hole (nta) when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict, no a**holes here (nah) when no one is causing the conflict, everyone sucks here (esh) when everyone is causing the conflict, more information needed (info) when a classification cannot be made with the context provided. Conflict context: it's the same old story of my dad cheating on my mom and marrying his affair partner. this went down two years ago. my dad's family has kind of accepted my dad's new wife. i have never accepted her. but i'm not screaming at them or anything. what brings me to ask if i am the asshole is the fact i go to every family event and make it super awkward for my dad and his wife. once, i saw them arrive and said "uh oh, hold on to your husbands everyone." and during thanksgiving, i said i was thankful that my mom had found a real man who was loyal and strong for once. this was referring to her new boyfriend. stupid comments like that. my comments usually make my grandparents laugh but my dad and his wife are very clearly uncomfortable and embarassed. but i keep getting invited back to these events. i just figured feeling uncomfortable is a small price to pay after destroying family. my dad has apologized for the affair and has asked me to stop with the comments but i don't think i will. aita?
|
<s>[INST] <<SYS>>
Classify the interpersonal conflict and explain your choice. Your choices are limited to you're the a**hole (yta) when the writer is causing the conflict, not the a**hole (nta) when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict, no a**holes here (nah) when no one is causing the conflict, everyone sucks here (esh) when everyone is causing the conflict, more information needed (info) when a classification cannot be made with the context provided.
<</SYS>>
it's the same old story of my dad cheating on my mom and marrying his affair partner. this went down two years ago. my dad's family has kind of accepted my dad's new wife. i have never accepted her. but i'm not screaming at them or anything. what brings me to ask if i am the asshole is the fact i go to every family event and make it super awkward for my dad and his wife. once, i saw them arrive and said "uh oh, hold on to your husbands everyone." and during thanksgiving, i said i was thankful that my mom had found a real man who was loyal and strong for once. this was referring to her new boyfriend. stupid comments like that. my comments usually make my grandparents laugh but my dad and his wife are very clearly uncomfortable and embarassed. but i keep getting invited back to these events. i just figured feeling uncomfortable is a small price to pay after destroying family. my dad has apologized for the affair and has asked me to stop with the comments but i don't think i will. aita? [/INST] esh, and kind of shocked by all of the yta's here. what you're doing is petty and juvenile, but obviously your dad and his mistress-turned-wife are assholes, bigger assholes in this scenario by a mile. however, your jabs are completely unnecessary, it's not like everyone doesn't already know that they're cheaters. </s>
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AITA for not wanting my wife to send a DNA sample to a popular "DNA testing" site?
|
my wife of 6 years and i just had our first child together 🎉
her parents, who live abroad, have come over for a couple weeks to help us out and spend some quality time with us.
the thing about her parents is that they're into these trendy dna testing sites that have popped up all over the place recently and they've sent samples of their own dna and had their results back etc.
so now my wife, who's always been interested in genealogy and ancestry etc. wants to do the same so her parents bought a testing kit for her and brought it over with them.
the thing is, those companies are basically selling snake oil. while dna science is a real thing, what they make of it is simply unrealistic and completely inaccurate according to the scientific community. the results being inaccurate is one thing, but what really gets me is that we don't know what they do with all that very personal data that they're gathering e.g. we know they're selling it to pharmaceutical companies but who are they going to sell it to next, what will malicious actors be able to do with that kind of data in the future etc.
on top of that, there's the fact that they're probably building these huge relationship graphs and we don't know what they do with that data either. this, to me, is where my stance against it comes from: i'm not related to my wife, but my daughter is and i simply don't want her information out there, that's not in her best interest at all.
i made my concerns clear to her and her family but my wife doesn't want to hear about it. she thinks i'm overreacting and that she can do whatever she wants with her dna. while i agree with her freedom, i kept insisting that she has to consider the repercussions for our daughter now and factor that into her decision.
so am i the asshole for not wanting my wife to send a dna sample and arguing against it?
small addendum: i live in france where those kinds of online dna tests are actually illegal but my in-laws are from the us and will take my wife's dna sample with them and send it from the us...
update 2: given all the questions about why she needs to do it if both her parents have done the tests already, i have to specify that her mother is actually her step mother who is not related to her in any way.
| 945
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https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/q19rn1/aita_for_not_wanting_my_wife_to_send_a_dna_sample/
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2021-10-04 17:05:19
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info: is this a creative way to avoid your wife finding out that your daughter has numerous half-siblings?
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yta. it's her dna and she can do what she pleases with it.
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[deleted]
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nta. those companies are massive data-mining organizations.
one of the founders of 23andme, anne wojcicki, was married to sergei brin, the founder of google. the fundamental purpose of google is not a be a friendly, free search engine. it is to hoard our data, sell it, and target us with specific ads. just like with google, the fundamental purpose of dna testing companies is to hoard information.
https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/23andme-is-terrifying-but-not-for-the-reasons-the-fda-thinks/
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nta. the us military has issued a blanket warning to all service personnel that these companies/sites are untrustworthy with personal data. as a person in the data/privacy sphere i 100% agree with them. this primarily applies to people living in the us. people living in other countries like canada and the eu have some guaranteed rights to their data privacy that all of these companies must follow. us citizens do not have these same protections.
the problem here is, the marketing campaigns for these products have been very effective and everyone is going to think you’re an asshole if you are anything less than 100% supportive of your wife freely choosing to give away her private and valuable dna just to get back a vaguely correct (but mostly not) notion of their lineage.
good luck!
|
info
how does your wife sending a dna sample result in the company having your daughter's info?
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nah yet
i dont think youre an asshole for not wanting her to do it but its not your decision to make.
your child shares enough of your wifes dna for this to have consequences. some companies share their data with law enforcement, which might come back to haunt you.
but that her parents have already sent in their dna, idk how much of a difference it would make if your wife does as well
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well it's certainly not a great idea to use those sites if you plan on committing a bunch of crimes.
otherwise this is a nah, you're both entitled to your feelings and it doesn't sound like either of you have been an ah in expressing them.
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nah as long as the disagreement doesn’t escalate beyond this.
regardless of your wife’s choice it’s a good reminder that the time to start talking to your daughter about privacy is sooner rather than later. your daughter is going to grow up in a world where people willingly give up privacy in order to obtain convenience. it’s important to fully understand what that means and both the positive and negative consequences of doing so. and there *are* potential positives.
i know a few people who did dna searches for family trees and heritage information only to also be informed that they have a brca mutation and should be evaluated further. we seen many cases on reddit where people have found long lost relatives or siblings/cousins they never heard of. cold cases have been solved due to relatives of criminals submitting dna to ancestry sites.
there’s good and bad by having everything public. for better and worse you need to educate your daughter on what exactly it means to post on the internet, to send it dna, to text photos, etc.
your wife’s decision either way is just a drop in the pond. while i think you need to be careful not to slip to paranoia, i do think you should talk to your wife to establish agreed boundaries when it comes to your daughter’s privacy.
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nta, i find it increasingly hard to trust that any large businesses have my best interests in mind.
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INFO
|
YTA
| null |
NTA
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NTA
|
INFO
|
NAH
|
NAH
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NAH
|
NTA
| 0.229165
|
Classify the interpersonal conflict and explain your choice. Your choices are limited to you're the a**hole (yta) when the writer is causing the conflict, not the a**hole (nta) when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict, no a**holes here (nah) when no one is causing the conflict, everyone sucks here (esh) when everyone is causing the conflict, more information needed (info) when a classification cannot be made with the context provided. Conflict context: my wife of 6 years and i just had our first child together 🎉 her parents, who live abroad, have come over for a couple weeks to help us out and spend some quality time with us. the thing about her parents is that they're into these trendy dna testing sites that have popped up all over the place recently and they've sent samples of their own dna and had their results back etc. so now my wife, who's always been interested in genealogy and ancestry etc. wants to do the same so her parents bought a testing kit for her and brought it over with them. the thing is, those companies are basically selling snake oil. while dna science is a real thing, what they make of it is simply unrealistic and completely inaccurate according to the scientific community. the results being inaccurate is one thing, but what really gets me is that we don't know what they do with all that very personal data that they're gathering e.g. we know they're selling it to pharmaceutical companies but who are they going to sell it to next, what will malicious actors be able to do with that kind of data in the future etc. on top of that, there's the fact that they're probably building these huge relationship graphs and we don't know what they do with that data either. this, to me, is where my stance against it comes from: i'm not related to my wife, but my daughter is and i simply don't want her information out there, that's not in her best interest at all. i made my concerns clear to her and her family but my wife doesn't want to hear about it. she thinks i'm overreacting and that she can do whatever she wants with her dna. while i agree with her freedom, i kept insisting that she has to consider the repercussions for our daughter now and factor that into her decision. so am i the asshole for not wanting my wife to send a dna sample and arguing against it? small addendum: i live in france where those kinds of online dna tests are actually illegal but my in-laws are from the us and will take my wife's dna sample with them and send it from the us... update 2: given all the questions about why she needs to do it if both her parents have done the tests already, i have to specify that her mother is actually her step mother who is not related to her in any way.
|
<s>[INST] <<SYS>>
Classify the interpersonal conflict and explain your choice. Your choices are limited to you're the a**hole (yta) when the writer is causing the conflict, not the a**hole (nta) when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict, no a**holes here (nah) when no one is causing the conflict, everyone sucks here (esh) when everyone is causing the conflict, more information needed (info) when a classification cannot be made with the context provided.
<</SYS>>
my wife of 6 years and i just had our first child together 🎉 her parents, who live abroad, have come over for a couple weeks to help us out and spend some quality time with us. the thing about her parents is that they're into these trendy dna testing sites that have popped up all over the place recently and they've sent samples of their own dna and had their results back etc. so now my wife, who's always been interested in genealogy and ancestry etc. wants to do the same so her parents bought a testing kit for her and brought it over with them. the thing is, those companies are basically selling snake oil. while dna science is a real thing, what they make of it is simply unrealistic and completely inaccurate according to the scientific community. the results being inaccurate is one thing, but what really gets me is that we don't know what they do with all that very personal data that they're gathering e.g. we know they're selling it to pharmaceutical companies but who are they going to sell it to next, what will malicious actors be able to do with that kind of data in the future etc. on top of that, there's the fact that they're probably building these huge relationship graphs and we don't know what they do with that data either. this, to me, is where my stance against it comes from: i'm not related to my wife, but my daughter is and i simply don't want her information out there, that's not in her best interest at all. i made my concerns clear to her and her family but my wife doesn't want to hear about it. she thinks i'm overreacting and that she can do whatever she wants with her dna. while i agree with her freedom, i kept insisting that she has to consider the repercussions for our daughter now and factor that into her decision. so am i the asshole for not wanting my wife to send a dna sample and arguing against it? small addendum: i live in france where those kinds of online dna tests are actually illegal but my in-laws are from the us and will take my wife's dna sample with them and send it from the us... update 2: given all the questions about why she needs to do it if both her parents have done the tests already, i have to specify that her mother is actually her step mother who is not related to her in any way. [/INST] info: is this a creative way to avoid your wife finding out that your daughter has numerous half-siblings? </s>
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AITA for getting grossed out when unclogging my wife's breast duct
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basically title, my wife was having a lot of pain and her breast ducts were swollen and clogged. her obgyn said that pumping could help but nothing is better than the human mouth (i can't believe she used those words but here we are) and she asked if i could help with the process of getting the milk flowing. now i stepped up and did it, but i got a lot of milk in my mouth (idk if it was really a lot, not like 8oz or anything but there was a a lot for me), and i was doing a combination of sucking and spitting, and after we got the clog, i went to wash my face and brush my teeth. breast milk is not gross or anything, i just had a weird reaction to the wording of "unclogging" which made my stupid brain fail. anyway my wife was pissed, telling me that "i think she is unclean" or "her milk is not good enough". we have not slept in a while with new baby, but i don't think i did anything wrong. aita here?
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https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/cdxmpq/aita_for_getting_grossed_out_when_unclogging_my/
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2019-07-16 14:18:00
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nah, unless you made some big show of it. you're both stressed and sleep-deprived, don't linger too long on this.
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nah
just talk to her. maybe get her some flowers, flirt with her, remind her that she is more than a mom and producer of milk to you.
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nah- the fact that you did that for her is huge. clogged ducts are sent from a special place in hell.
my only suggestion is to be a little sensitive as to why your wife reacted that way. the first few months after having a baby are really hard on the self-esteem. since she’s breastfeeding she probably feels like her body isn’t all hers right now. it’s very easy to fall into a negative thought spiral during those times. she’s not overreacting. she’s trying to make peace with “losing her mystique”
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nta, my own bodily fluids can gross me out, someone else’s would be even worse.
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nah - i'm getting ready to have a baby, and reading that you had to manually, with your mouth, suck out a clog in her breast almost made me churl. i haven't tossed my cookies this entire time, and the feeling usually comes with scents. congratulations - this is the first time it's happened reading something.
with that said, she is okay to respond that way - my husband feels the same way you do about breast milk, and i felt like she did at first until we sat down and talked about how it is weird for him to have stuff come out when he's doing something we usually do for pleasure.
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nah. you can’t control what grosses you out. it offended her that you were so repulsed. i understand how you both felt.
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nah. i got mastitis twice while breastfeeding and had clogs so bad you could feel it up to my armpit. and sometimes when you get them out, it’s like a blob of congealed elmer’s glue. it’s fucking gross. i wouldn’t be stoked about manually sucking those things out.
and on the other hand, post partum is a minefield of sleep deprivation, hormones, and realizing your body is a clusterfuck of weird and often horrifying new party tricks. i don’t blame her for getting emotional (rational or not) over it.
just move past it and don’t make a big deal out of it, while also subtly dropping little love bombs of how awesome you think your wife is. i remember reading the infant stage as “the longest shortest time” and that shit rang real true to me. everything is weird and awful and absolutely amazing, and the days seem like they’re 57 hours long. but it’ll be over before you know it and you guys will be chill again.
good luck! you’re gonna need it! 😊
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the gagging noises i made as i read this point it solidly at nah :)
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nah. and i get the "unclogging" part being gross... but how obnoxious were you being about it? you probably could have been cool and collected about it. i have had some pretty gross stuff on me, in my mouth, hair, etc from my babies and lots of breast milk just everywhere. no one freaked out.
were you gagging and acting like a little kid?
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nta. i had my first baby a few months ago and was having issues with breastfeeding. my husband's aunt suggested having my husband suck on my nipples so that my milk supply wouldn't get low. aside from the fact that it was extremely awkward having his aunt suggest that to me, having my husband do that in the context of breastfeeding really icked me out. i just politely told her, "i appreciate your advice and concern, but i know [husband], he wouldn't feel comfortable doing that and honestly, neither would i." (we decided in the end to go with formula feeding). you can't control what grosses you out.
i mean no offense to anyone who's done this, it's just something i'm not comfortable with in that context.
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NAH
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NAH
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NAH
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NTA
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NAH
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NAH
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NAH
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NAH
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NAH
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NTA
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Classify the interpersonal conflict and explain your choice. Your choices are limited to you're the a**hole (yta) when the writer is causing the conflict, not the a**hole (nta) when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict, no a**holes here (nah) when no one is causing the conflict, everyone sucks here (esh) when everyone is causing the conflict, more information needed (info) when a classification cannot be made with the context provided. Conflict context: basically title, my wife was having a lot of pain and her breast ducts were swollen and clogged. her obgyn said that pumping could help but nothing is better than the human mouth (i can't believe she used those words but here we are) and she asked if i could help with the process of getting the milk flowing. now i stepped up and did it, but i got a lot of milk in my mouth (idk if it was really a lot, not like 8oz or anything but there was a a lot for me), and i was doing a combination of sucking and spitting, and after we got the clog, i went to wash my face and brush my teeth. breast milk is not gross or anything, i just had a weird reaction to the wording of "unclogging" which made my stupid brain fail. anyway my wife was pissed, telling me that "i think she is unclean" or "her milk is not good enough". we have not slept in a while with new baby, but i don't think i did anything wrong. aita here?
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<s>[INST] <<SYS>>
Classify the interpersonal conflict and explain your choice. Your choices are limited to you're the a**hole (yta) when the writer is causing the conflict, not the a**hole (nta) when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict, no a**holes here (nah) when no one is causing the conflict, everyone sucks here (esh) when everyone is causing the conflict, more information needed (info) when a classification cannot be made with the context provided.
<</SYS>>
basically title, my wife was having a lot of pain and her breast ducts were swollen and clogged. her obgyn said that pumping could help but nothing is better than the human mouth (i can't believe she used those words but here we are) and she asked if i could help with the process of getting the milk flowing. now i stepped up and did it, but i got a lot of milk in my mouth (idk if it was really a lot, not like 8oz or anything but there was a a lot for me), and i was doing a combination of sucking and spitting, and after we got the clog, i went to wash my face and brush my teeth. breast milk is not gross or anything, i just had a weird reaction to the wording of "unclogging" which made my stupid brain fail. anyway my wife was pissed, telling me that "i think she is unclean" or "her milk is not good enough". we have not slept in a while with new baby, but i don't think i did anything wrong. aita here? [/INST] nah, unless you made some big show of it. you're both stressed and sleep-deprived, don't linger too long on this. </s>
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WIBTA if I asked the family next to us at a restaurant to turn their children's phones down?
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we are at a beef o' brady's and the family next to us has 2 aged 5 to 7 children. i have 2 children myself 8 and 11. they are on games and youtube but they are blasting it. my bf says i should just "stay in my lane" eat our food and go. i have no intention of being rude to them just asking if they would kind turning the phones down a bit.
| 12,908
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https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/bai0gq/wibta_if_i_asked_the_family_next_to_us_at_a/
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2019-04-07 16:26:39
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nah. it's public space, they shouldn't disturb anyone, but they might not be aware that they do. if you ask politely, you would not be the asshole.
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nta, just do it in a tasteful way to avoid them flipping out and acting entitled. “i’m sorry to bother you, but do you think you could turn down the volume a bit? i have a bit of a migraine and it’s just very loud.”
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nta. headphones were invented for precisely this reason. people who don't use them (and yes, that includes kids) are assholes.
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nta
please ask them to turn it down.
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nta-theres an expectation to have awareness and be considerate of others in a place like a restaurant. if you politely ask them, theres no harm done.
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nah
and i want to add another nah for how you handled it too, you related to the parent and asked to turn it down a little (not off or a lot)
nice job! 2 for 2 not the asshole!
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mrs. grumpypantsoldman here. we were eating at our favorite sushi place a while back. a couple, probably in their 30's, were watching a video on a tablet at a nearby table loudly enough that we could easily hear what they were saying on the vid. grumpypantsoldman got up and sat at their table. "can i see what you're watching? sounds interesting." they were so embarrassed, apologized and turned it down. we laughed our asses off.
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nta you could ask nicely if they could turn it down or if perhaps they brought headphones.
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nta
it's very rude to have this crap blasting in public.
being the better person and asking nicely is always the better route, even if the other person reacts negatively.
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nta. and i disagree with all the nah judgments on here. it's nice that they had the kids turn it off. but they were assholes for letting it happen to begin with. you shouldn't have had to ask for them to be considerate.
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NAH
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NAH
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
| 0.002566
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Classify the interpersonal conflict and explain your choice. Your choices are limited to you're the a**hole (yta) when the writer is causing the conflict, not the a**hole (nta) when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict, no a**holes here (nah) when no one is causing the conflict, everyone sucks here (esh) when everyone is causing the conflict, more information needed (info) when a classification cannot be made with the context provided. Conflict context: we are at a beef o' brady's and the family next to us has 2 aged 5 to 7 children. i have 2 children myself 8 and 11. they are on games and youtube but they are blasting it. my bf says i should just "stay in my lane" eat our food and go. i have no intention of being rude to them just asking if they would kind turning the phones down a bit.
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<s>[INST] <<SYS>>
Classify the interpersonal conflict and explain your choice. Your choices are limited to you're the a**hole (yta) when the writer is causing the conflict, not the a**hole (nta) when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict, no a**holes here (nah) when no one is causing the conflict, everyone sucks here (esh) when everyone is causing the conflict, more information needed (info) when a classification cannot be made with the context provided.
<</SYS>>
we are at a beef o' brady's and the family next to us has 2 aged 5 to 7 children. i have 2 children myself 8 and 11. they are on games and youtube but they are blasting it. my bf says i should just "stay in my lane" eat our food and go. i have no intention of being rude to them just asking if they would kind turning the phones down a bit. [/INST] nah. it's public space, they shouldn't disturb anyone, but they might not be aware that they do. if you ask politely, you would not be the asshole. </s>
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AITA for expecting my wife to not bother me for one hour everyday?
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my wife (f29) and i (m36) have two kids, a three year old boy and a one year old girl. my wife is a stay at home mom for the time being and i am an architect. for the most part we are very happy together but this is really causing a rift in our relationship.
at the moment i work from home. my firm is working on an important and urgent project so i've been working probably 10 hour days. i do however still take care of the house and the kids. i take out the trash, cook lunch, do dishes, and do any repairs around the house. and i'm not complaining about that because i understand how hard it is for my wife to have to take care of two young kids most of the time.
the problem comes in that after my day is over (around 6pm), i like to have an hour of alone time to play video games. in the past week however my wife has interrupted me every day, not even for important things but for little questions that could wait till later (things like where do you want to go this weekend, should i buy these shoes, etc). yesterday when she interrupted me i finally snapped and told her that all i asked for after a hard day of work was one hour and that she should respect that.
we ended up getting in a fight. i think it's only fair that i have one hour to do something i enjoy when i work ten hour days so we can survive and i help out around the house and take care of the kids. aita?
| 801
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https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/gvxmva/aita_for_expecting_my_wife_to_not_bother_me_for/
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2020-06-03 16:55:35
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info: did you actually ever nicely tell her that you wanted some alone time to unwind after work? also, when is her hour off every day while you hold down the fort alone? i do have a theory, but my judgement depends on those factors.
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nah
i see both sides of this.
you absolutely should be allowed to have a little leisure time while working long hours. no argument there.
what i'm sensing is that perhaps your wife is lonely. you're at home but working for all that time and thus unavailable, and so when you are "available" she wants to interact with you, even in little ways. it's pretty isolating to spend the whole day with very young kids, especially right now when she's not able to get out of the house or be around other adults at all.
do you guys have scheduled time that you spend just the two of you every day? quality time, not just mutually staring at a tv screen? she may be craving extra time with you because of the current circumstances. additionally, does she also get an hour each day to relax with no kid duties? i think it's worth communicating about this in a calm moment when you can both have the opportunity to say your pieces.
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it's weird to me that you bristle when your wife asks you normal questions which are usually a pleasant part of having a partner. it pisses you off when she asks for your opinion about something or wants to make weekend plans?
also info: does she get any uninterrupted time where you and the kids aren't allowed to see/speak to her? if that's what you're demanding, then there should be reciprocity.
it just seems like you're sort of treating her like a burden rather than a blessing.
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another thing - 6pm is basically the most selfish time you could choose to dip out on your family. your wife has been holding down the fort all day, the kids are craving attention before they wind down for bedtime, and you're zoning out min-maxing turnip arbitrage in animal crossing or whatever. you ever think that maybe your wife, who is your partner and your equal and every bit as much a human being with a functioning brain capable of assessing needs and priorities as you, might be asking for your help because she *needs your help*? 6 o'clock is parenting rush hour and you're basically adding an extra hour to her solo shift instead of doing your part.
yta
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dude.
should you be able to have an hour to yourself? absolutely.
is she an asshole for wanting to spend time with you? no, but if you're thinking she is, maybe you need to reevaluate your relationship expectations.
is it a problem you've characterized this as her 'bothering' you? yes.
sit her down, not any time around when you want the time to yourself, and fucking talk to her. tell her what you want, what you need, what you feel. not what she does or doesn't do, not how she obviously doesn't respect your free time, not what she's doing wrong in your eyes.
then, listen to her response. really listen. respond to her. come, together, to a workable compromise.
this is what we call 'communication.' there are books you can read, and courses you can take, on how to do it effectively. and don't be shy about reading those books or taking those courses; effective communication is a learned skill, not an innate ability.
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yta.
you work 10 hours a day, but so does your wife. she’s juggling a 3 year old and a 1 year old all day. at least you are interacting with other adults all day.
your wife is desperate for adult conversation. she’s asking what you want to do this weekend because she wants to connect with you.
but you snapped at her and now she feels even more isolated.
is it wrong to need time to decompress and wind down after a long work day? of course not, but your wife also has needs. you guys need to come up with a plan that addresses both of you.
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[deleted]
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something about this is rubbing me the wrong way, but i really can't put my finger on it.
i think you may need to try and see things from your wife's point of view and tell her explicitly what you mean by wanting to be alone. she probably doesn't think she's "bothering" you. i doubt she sees asking small questions like where to go for the weekend as infringing on your alone time; they're small talk questions, not tasking you with a chore. if my partner wanted me to say nothing at all to him for an hour each day while he played a game, i'd be incredibly hurt. she probably thinks of the game as something you can do while answering these questions.
if i'm busy doing something and my boyfriend asks me a quick question, i'm happy to answer it because, i dunno, i love him and value what he has to say, i guess? then again, we don't have kids, so i can't empathize with the stress of all that.
i really don't know what i'm trying to say, here. this silent hour you're seeking kind of sounds like a childish ask. does it make you an asshole? i really can't say. it does strike me as odd, though.
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maybe.
does your wife get an hour a day to be by herself and not do anything but relax? you're working hard 10 hrs per day but she's working 24 hrs/day. so if you're not giving her the same break, then yes yta.
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dude you're married and have kids there is no time off. your family comes first put down the controller and be there with your family not to mention 6pm is a busy time of day. it's not like its 9 or 10 pm. yta shes your wife and wants your input.
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INFO
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NAH
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INFO
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YTA
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YTA
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YTA
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YTA
| 0.149404
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Classify the interpersonal conflict and explain your choice. Your choices are limited to you're the a**hole (yta) when the writer is causing the conflict, not the a**hole (nta) when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict, no a**holes here (nah) when no one is causing the conflict, everyone sucks here (esh) when everyone is causing the conflict, more information needed (info) when a classification cannot be made with the context provided. Conflict context: my wife (f29) and i (m36) have two kids, a three year old boy and a one year old girl. my wife is a stay at home mom for the time being and i am an architect. for the most part we are very happy together but this is really causing a rift in our relationship. at the moment i work from home. my firm is working on an important and urgent project so i've been working probably 10 hour days. i do however still take care of the house and the kids. i take out the trash, cook lunch, do dishes, and do any repairs around the house. and i'm not complaining about that because i understand how hard it is for my wife to have to take care of two young kids most of the time. the problem comes in that after my day is over (around 6pm), i like to have an hour of alone time to play video games. in the past week however my wife has interrupted me every day, not even for important things but for little questions that could wait till later (things like where do you want to go this weekend, should i buy these shoes, etc). yesterday when she interrupted me i finally snapped and told her that all i asked for after a hard day of work was one hour and that she should respect that. we ended up getting in a fight. i think it's only fair that i have one hour to do something i enjoy when i work ten hour days so we can survive and i help out around the house and take care of the kids. aita?
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<s>[INST] <<SYS>>
Classify the interpersonal conflict and explain your choice. Your choices are limited to you're the a**hole (yta) when the writer is causing the conflict, not the a**hole (nta) when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict, no a**holes here (nah) when no one is causing the conflict, everyone sucks here (esh) when everyone is causing the conflict, more information needed (info) when a classification cannot be made with the context provided.
<</SYS>>
my wife (f29) and i (m36) have two kids, a three year old boy and a one year old girl. my wife is a stay at home mom for the time being and i am an architect. for the most part we are very happy together but this is really causing a rift in our relationship. at the moment i work from home. my firm is working on an important and urgent project so i've been working probably 10 hour days. i do however still take care of the house and the kids. i take out the trash, cook lunch, do dishes, and do any repairs around the house. and i'm not complaining about that because i understand how hard it is for my wife to have to take care of two young kids most of the time. the problem comes in that after my day is over (around 6pm), i like to have an hour of alone time to play video games. in the past week however my wife has interrupted me every day, not even for important things but for little questions that could wait till later (things like where do you want to go this weekend, should i buy these shoes, etc). yesterday when she interrupted me i finally snapped and told her that all i asked for after a hard day of work was one hour and that she should respect that. we ended up getting in a fight. i think it's only fair that i have one hour to do something i enjoy when i work ten hour days so we can survive and i help out around the house and take care of the kids. aita? [/INST] info: did you actually ever nicely tell her that you wanted some alone time to unwind after work? also, when is her hour off every day while you hold down the fort alone? i do have a theory, but my judgement depends on those factors. </s>
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AITA for telling my boyfriend he was embarrassing us when he started sobbing in the Vet clininc hallway?
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my f26 boyfriend's m30 dog has been sick lately. he took him to the vet to get him looked at and run some tests and yesterday the vet called us for a quick appointment to talk about the dog's condition.
we were told that he had cancer, my boyfriend didn't take it well, he did not even give the vet time to explain to us what was really going on he just had a break down.
we exited the office and next thing i knew he dropped on his knees sobbing, literally sobbing. i was shocked because for one i know his dog is important to him, he had him for years and so i get this was a lot to take in and cancer is no joke, but what really bothered me was how he handled it. his knees were on the floor and he was sobbing loudly in the hallway making everyone notice. ngl, as a woman i've never even sobbed like that, i felt embarrassed for both of us. i kept trying to get him to go to the car but he ignored me and kept sobbing.
i didn't say anything til later after we got home and he calmed down a bit and got some sleep.
when he woke up i brought up what happened at the clininc and expressed how embarrassing what he did was, he looked at me shocked asking if i was serious and i replied that i didn't mean to seem insensitive but i really thought he should've got a better hold of his emotions and handled the news better but not sob in the middle of the hallway causing people to stop and stare. he lashed out at me calling me ridiculous and shallow to be worrying about what people think when he was dealing with a traumatic kind of news and trying to process it, i told him he overreacted because it wasn't like the dog had died and seeing him act this way worried me. he doubled down and lashed out again accusing me of implying that he has mental issues and was acting crazy but that wasn't what i meant. he told me to leave the room after we got further in the argument and today he's gone quiet.
i honestly felt like i probably should not have brought it up like that given his reaction but i didn't mean to seem insensitive.
aita?
editing this to say that my issue was never about him reacting like that just because he's a man, no, this isn't about that but it's about the way he reacted, i just did not think it was handled right, that's all.
and also, i do show support and the news was devastating to me too since i help take care of the dog and that bond is there even though it's his dog.
| 10,213
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https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/ru8ve3/aita_for_telling_my_boyfriend_he_was_embarrassing/
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2022-01-02 12:41:18
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yta - i’m honestly baffled that you think you had the right to tell him how he should be dealing with a traumatic event. you don’t have any right to tell someone how they should or should not feel. get over yourself. i feel so bad for your boyfriend. imagine finding out someone/something you love got an incurable disease and your boyfriend just says “stop over reacting”. at some point you have to put yourself in their shoes.
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yta: he's had the dog a lot longer than he's had you, i would guess. emotions are a thing people have, and it's not abnormal to be upset at the upcoming loss of a pet. this is stage one in his mourning. other stages will include getting rid of things that complicate or renew his grief, you may have already become one of those things.
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yta. big time. finding out your dog has cancer is emotional and people are allowed to react in whatever way they feel. you being “embarrassed” by your partner instead of heartfelt sympathy for what he was going through makes you a really shit person and so.
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yta
men are allowed to have and express emotions. he was devastated and cried. instead of being understanding and supportive you could only focus on feeling embarrassed.
learn how to be empathetic.
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“as a woman ive never even sobbed like that” 🙄
you are part of the reason why there’s so much toxic masculinity. let the man cry. he should throw the whole woman away.
yta!
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we as women are trying so hard to normalise men expressing their feelings and grief in any form possible and here comes along op being embarrassed for the same. men are allowed to express themselves however and whenever they want to. its not like he lost a shoe. he's losing someone who's a big part of his life. yta
thank you all for the awards! it warms my heart to know there are people out there wanting to normalise situations ❤
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yta, he’s about to lose his best buddy in a horrible way and you’re worried about what people will think of _you_?
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yta. what are you? a member of the "grief police"? please do not have children.
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think this is bait because no one would post that thinking they're not the asshole
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yta, i used to work in veterinary medicine and can promise you what your bf did was a perfectly normal reaction and no one except your stuck up ass was judging him. if anything they were all sympathising with how he felt and probably judging you for treating him how you did.
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YTA
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YTA
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YTA
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YTA
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YTA
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YTA
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YTA
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YTA
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NTA
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YTA
| 0.024
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Classify the interpersonal conflict and explain your choice. Your choices are limited to you're the a**hole (yta) when the writer is causing the conflict, not the a**hole (nta) when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict, no a**holes here (nah) when no one is causing the conflict, everyone sucks here (esh) when everyone is causing the conflict, more information needed (info) when a classification cannot be made with the context provided. Conflict context: my f26 boyfriend's m30 dog has been sick lately. he took him to the vet to get him looked at and run some tests and yesterday the vet called us for a quick appointment to talk about the dog's condition. we were told that he had cancer, my boyfriend didn't take it well, he did not even give the vet time to explain to us what was really going on he just had a break down. we exited the office and next thing i knew he dropped on his knees sobbing, literally sobbing. i was shocked because for one i know his dog is important to him, he had him for years and so i get this was a lot to take in and cancer is no joke, but what really bothered me was how he handled it. his knees were on the floor and he was sobbing loudly in the hallway making everyone notice. ngl, as a woman i've never even sobbed like that, i felt embarrassed for both of us. i kept trying to get him to go to the car but he ignored me and kept sobbing. i didn't say anything til later after we got home and he calmed down a bit and got some sleep. when he woke up i brought up what happened at the clininc and expressed how embarrassing what he did was, he looked at me shocked asking if i was serious and i replied that i didn't mean to seem insensitive but i really thought he should've got a better hold of his emotions and handled the news better but not sob in the middle of the hallway causing people to stop and stare. he lashed out at me calling me ridiculous and shallow to be worrying about what people think when he was dealing with a traumatic kind of news and trying to process it, i told him he overreacted because it wasn't like the dog had died and seeing him act this way worried me. he doubled down and lashed out again accusing me of implying that he has mental issues and was acting crazy but that wasn't what i meant. he told me to leave the room after we got further in the argument and today he's gone quiet. i honestly felt like i probably should not have brought it up like that given his reaction but i didn't mean to seem insensitive. aita? editing this to say that my issue was never about him reacting like that just because he's a man, no, this isn't about that but it's about the way he reacted, i just did not think it was handled right, that's all. and also, i do show support and the news was devastating to me too since i help take care of the dog and that bond is there even though it's his dog.
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<s>[INST] <<SYS>>
Classify the interpersonal conflict and explain your choice. Your choices are limited to you're the a**hole (yta) when the writer is causing the conflict, not the a**hole (nta) when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict, no a**holes here (nah) when no one is causing the conflict, everyone sucks here (esh) when everyone is causing the conflict, more information needed (info) when a classification cannot be made with the context provided.
<</SYS>>
my f26 boyfriend's m30 dog has been sick lately. he took him to the vet to get him looked at and run some tests and yesterday the vet called us for a quick appointment to talk about the dog's condition. we were told that he had cancer, my boyfriend didn't take it well, he did not even give the vet time to explain to us what was really going on he just had a break down. we exited the office and next thing i knew he dropped on his knees sobbing, literally sobbing. i was shocked because for one i know his dog is important to him, he had him for years and so i get this was a lot to take in and cancer is no joke, but what really bothered me was how he handled it. his knees were on the floor and he was sobbing loudly in the hallway making everyone notice. ngl, as a woman i've never even sobbed like that, i felt embarrassed for both of us. i kept trying to get him to go to the car but he ignored me and kept sobbing. i didn't say anything til later after we got home and he calmed down a bit and got some sleep. when he woke up i brought up what happened at the clininc and expressed how embarrassing what he did was, he looked at me shocked asking if i was serious and i replied that i didn't mean to seem insensitive but i really thought he should've got a better hold of his emotions and handled the news better but not sob in the middle of the hallway causing people to stop and stare. he lashed out at me calling me ridiculous and shallow to be worrying about what people think when he was dealing with a traumatic kind of news and trying to process it, i told him he overreacted because it wasn't like the dog had died and seeing him act this way worried me. he doubled down and lashed out again accusing me of implying that he has mental issues and was acting crazy but that wasn't what i meant. he told me to leave the room after we got further in the argument and today he's gone quiet. i honestly felt like i probably should not have brought it up like that given his reaction but i didn't mean to seem insensitive. aita? editing this to say that my issue was never about him reacting like that just because he's a man, no, this isn't about that but it's about the way he reacted, i just did not think it was handled right, that's all. and also, i do show support and the news was devastating to me too since i help take care of the dog and that bond is there even though it's his dog. [/INST] yta - i’m honestly baffled that you think you had the right to tell him how he should be dealing with a traumatic event. you don’t have any right to tell someone how they should or should not feel. get over yourself. i feel so bad for your boyfriend. imagine finding out someone/something you love got an incurable disease and your boyfriend just says “stop over reacting”. at some point you have to put yourself in their shoes. </s>
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AITA for saying that my daughter inherits my house "no matter what"?
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i'm a single mom in my 50s with one daughter. i got very lucky in that i bought a home in the bay area nearly 30 years ago for around $230k before the tech boom and now the house is worth about $1m.
i have a 23 year old daughter camila who grew up in that house and she moved out last year to go live with her boyfriend. i've never explicitly told my daughter "the house will be yours" nor has she asked anything about it, but just sort of common sense - that's my daughter. who else would i give it to?
one important note - there are 2 homes in the neighborhood that are owned by lower middle class people (me and a neighbor who's been here as long as i have). otherwise, our neighbors are engineers and software developers. the bay area is simply un-affordable if you're not in tech. my daughter is a hair stylist.
my fiance steven and i have been together for 2 years. he has 2 young children (elementary school) he has joint custody of who i adore and i'm excited to help raise them. steven and i don't have a ton in the bank so a pre-nup seemed silly if it weren't for the house. i told him that i'm ready to combine finances and plan long term with him, but i wanted a pre-nup agreement just for the house. it's a non-negotiable for me that my daughter inherits the house. he wasn't happy with this. he said that $1m split 3 ways is enough for all 3 kids to get a headstart in life. i disagree, i paid 80% of the mortgage by myself and camila is my only child. she can have her dream life (working as a hair stylist, living in the bay area) with this house but will be unhappy (have to move out to a less desirable area) if it's split.
i spoke to camila about this and she agrees that she should get the house and said she always planned on inheriting it, just like i always planned on giving it to her.
| 32,840
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https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/k9husr/aita_for_saying_that_my_daughter_inherits_my/
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2020-12-09 01:25:17
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nta. you have been with this man 2 years and he is demanding that his kids receive an equal share of the home you paid for and raised your daughter in decades before he even existed for you? that's absurd.
if you're going to marry this man and merge finances with him, you need to speak to an attorney first and make sure your wishes you your home will be followed in the event that anything should happen. but first you should ask yourself, if you have to go to great lengths to protect your child from his greed and entitlement, if marriage and merging finances is something you really want to do with this person.
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nta. the house was purchased 30 years ago, long before you met steven, and it is your separate property. i would not add him to your house deed. ianal, but i certainly would consult an attorney versed in estate law. i have my eyebrows raised that a fiancé’ of 2 years thinks his two children should get an equal share of your house that is your separate property, and that you have paid the mortgage on for nearly 30 years. please, protect yourself and contact an attorney.
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i have lived in bay area. 1/3 of that house will not go far for giving camila the future you and she want her to have. you are passing your good fortune, and hard work, on to your daughter. makes perfect sense to me.
between steven and his ex, they have the right and responsibility to provide for their two children as best they can.
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nta, that’s your house. i think the prenup is a fantastic idea as it is your investment, you shouldn’t risk losing it if things go south.
i am just floored he thinks his kids are entitled to 2/3 of the value. wtff?!?
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lady, you’ve been with that man all of two years. you better stop playing. this isn’t even a question. that house belongs to you and should go to your daughter. all due respect, fuck them kids. nta
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nta why does he think his kids should get so much when it's your house. that's crazy to me. proceed with caution
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nta.
don't marry him if he refused to sign a prenup and get that desire in writing with your will or he and his kids will have grounds to contest it later.
please don't marry without a prenup and if you have to make it a long engagement. don't even set a date until he agrees and signs.
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this guy is basically just paying rent and he wants to control 33% of your assets? regardless of his intentions, that house is your property and a prenup is a reasonable request in this situation. don’t back down, at the end of the day that house is for your daughter and you need to stand your ground.
nta
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nta. please, please, please:
1. do not give in on this. it's too important to let feelings get in the way.
2. reconsider getting married. really. this guy does not sound like a winner.
3. go see a lawyer - yesterday. you need to be very careful to get this right, especially if you are determined to go through with marrying this dude.
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nta - it's your house to do with as you please. but, if you are positive that you will not change your mind about this, you may want to consider putting the house into an irrevocable trust for your daughter, it would keep your house from going through probate and would keep it from being part of any challenges to your will or to the prenup. i'm not saying it's definitely be a better option for you, but it might be worth discussing with an attorney or financial planner.
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NTA
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NTA
| null |
NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
| 0
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Classify the interpersonal conflict and explain your choice. Your choices are limited to you're the a**hole (yta) when the writer is causing the conflict, not the a**hole (nta) when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict, no a**holes here (nah) when no one is causing the conflict, everyone sucks here (esh) when everyone is causing the conflict, more information needed (info) when a classification cannot be made with the context provided. Conflict context: i'm a single mom in my 50s with one daughter. i got very lucky in that i bought a home in the bay area nearly 30 years ago for around $230k before the tech boom and now the house is worth about $1m. i have a 23 year old daughter camila who grew up in that house and she moved out last year to go live with her boyfriend. i've never explicitly told my daughter "the house will be yours" nor has she asked anything about it, but just sort of common sense - that's my daughter. who else would i give it to? one important note - there are 2 homes in the neighborhood that are owned by lower middle class people (me and a neighbor who's been here as long as i have). otherwise, our neighbors are engineers and software developers. the bay area is simply un-affordable if you're not in tech. my daughter is a hair stylist. my fiance steven and i have been together for 2 years. he has 2 young children (elementary school) he has joint custody of who i adore and i'm excited to help raise them. steven and i don't have a ton in the bank so a pre-nup seemed silly if it weren't for the house. i told him that i'm ready to combine finances and plan long term with him, but i wanted a pre-nup agreement just for the house. it's a non-negotiable for me that my daughter inherits the house. he wasn't happy with this. he said that $1m split 3 ways is enough for all 3 kids to get a headstart in life. i disagree, i paid 80% of the mortgage by myself and camila is my only child. she can have her dream life (working as a hair stylist, living in the bay area) with this house but will be unhappy (have to move out to a less desirable area) if it's split. i spoke to camila about this and she agrees that she should get the house and said she always planned on inheriting it, just like i always planned on giving it to her.
|
<s>[INST] <<SYS>>
Classify the interpersonal conflict and explain your choice. Your choices are limited to you're the a**hole (yta) when the writer is causing the conflict, not the a**hole (nta) when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict, no a**holes here (nah) when no one is causing the conflict, everyone sucks here (esh) when everyone is causing the conflict, more information needed (info) when a classification cannot be made with the context provided.
<</SYS>>
i'm a single mom in my 50s with one daughter. i got very lucky in that i bought a home in the bay area nearly 30 years ago for around $230k before the tech boom and now the house is worth about $1m. i have a 23 year old daughter camila who grew up in that house and she moved out last year to go live with her boyfriend. i've never explicitly told my daughter "the house will be yours" nor has she asked anything about it, but just sort of common sense - that's my daughter. who else would i give it to? one important note - there are 2 homes in the neighborhood that are owned by lower middle class people (me and a neighbor who's been here as long as i have). otherwise, our neighbors are engineers and software developers. the bay area is simply un-affordable if you're not in tech. my daughter is a hair stylist. my fiance steven and i have been together for 2 years. he has 2 young children (elementary school) he has joint custody of who i adore and i'm excited to help raise them. steven and i don't have a ton in the bank so a pre-nup seemed silly if it weren't for the house. i told him that i'm ready to combine finances and plan long term with him, but i wanted a pre-nup agreement just for the house. it's a non-negotiable for me that my daughter inherits the house. he wasn't happy with this. he said that $1m split 3 ways is enough for all 3 kids to get a headstart in life. i disagree, i paid 80% of the mortgage by myself and camila is my only child. she can have her dream life (working as a hair stylist, living in the bay area) with this house but will be unhappy (have to move out to a less desirable area) if it's split. i spoke to camila about this and she agrees that she should get the house and said she always planned on inheriting it, just like i always planned on giving it to her. [/INST] nta. you have been with this man 2 years and he is demanding that his kids receive an equal share of the home you paid for and raised your daughter in decades before he even existed for you? that's absurd. if you're going to marry this man and merge finances with him, you need to speak to an attorney first and make sure your wishes you your home will be followed in the event that anything should happen. but first you should ask yourself, if you have to go to great lengths to protect your child from his greed and entitlement, if marriage and merging finances is something you really want to do with this person. </s>
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AITA if I refuse to meet a friend if she insists on bringing her boyfriend?
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i'm 31m and have been married for 3 years. my friend "jane" is also 31. we've been friends for over 10 years. though we kind of drifted a bit in our late 20s, we still message fairly regularly and take the time to meet for dinner once or twice a year to catch up, just us. we don't have any mutual friends.
i've only met her boyfriend "david" once (at my wedding as jane's plus-one). he seemed cool but i didn't speak to him much.
a few days ago i called jane to suggest meeting up for dinner.
jane said, ok but can we make it a double-date, i bring david and you bring (my wife) because david and i had a big argument and he's said that he thinks me meeting a guy alone is disrespectful to our relationship. he said he has kept his mouth shut for a long time but he doesn't want me doing it anymore. so can we make it a double-date please.
i said i've got no issue with a double-date but his reasoning is bullshit, i'm not doing a double-date just because he is insecure and wants to control who you see. why are you letting him boss you around?
jane said she had to prioritise her relationship and keeping things good between her and david, so even if she doesn't necessarily agree with his reasoning she accepts it.
i refused to change my mind and insisted david is being controlling and jane is allowing it happen. jane is pissed at me for not doing "such a small thing" like a double-date and i'm "throwing our friendship away for nothing". david has apparently said that my reaction supports his view that i had ulterior motives because i only want to meet jane alone. nothing romantic has ever happened at all, and i don't give a shit if i meet her alone or not, i just think it is ridiculous to be told "sorry i can only meet you if there are other people around because i don't want to disrespect my boyfriend"
my wife thinks me meeting jane for dinner alone is fine and doesn't get what the big deal is - we agree that either you trust your partner's judgement, or you shouldn't be with them.
i am not budging and even if i lose jane's friendship, i won't feel like i've done something wrong. but obviously i'm doubting that which is why i'm here. aita?
| 2,247
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https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/fdd7c0/aita_if_i_refuse_to_meet_a_friend_if_she_insists/
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2020-03-04 13:45:05
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esh
fine, he's insecure but you're digging in your heels just to spite him when your friend is asking as a matter of keeping the peace. you're even willing to lose jane's friendship to win this. if he's really "controlling", go. size him up. be her friend. if he's a bad guy, she needs friends.
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esh- i think you’re right. david’s an ass; but also, when a loved one is in a controlling or abusive (not saying jane is defo being abused, just saying in general) relationship, reactions like yours are why the controlled or abused partner ends up isolated. you’ve voiced your opinion to jane, now tell her that you’re worried that she’s being controlled, and then be an actual friend and be there for her.
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yta but only because she isn’t asking for advice, she isn’t asking for help nor your opinion. you can feel that he’s being controlling. your wife can feel that he’s being controlling.
you don’t get to tell her how to react to that. you can’t be an activist for someone who doesn’t want it. you can’t fight against a decision that she’s come to terms with.
your friend has told you her and her partners decision. you have two choices. refuse to meet up with them for your own good (not for hers cause she doesn’t agree with you and isn’t asking for your help) or spend time with your friend and her partner.
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nta. tough spot dude but good on you for naming his behavior as what it is - controlling. not sure if loosing the whole friendship is worth it but i’ll leave that to you.
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esh, except jane.
david for obvious reasons, you for thinking you know better what's best for her relationship than she does. and for butting in so hard.
it's one thing if you din't want to have dinner with the man because you didn't like him, i wouldn't call you an ah for that. but if you don't want to have dinner and meet your friend as a "statement" of sorts, then yep, you're being unreasonable. say your piece if you feel like you must, but that should be the end of it.
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nta, but, the way you're going about it won't help anything.
if your wife is happy to go along for the double date, go ahead with it. if she's happy sitting there watching you and jane interact, that will reinforce that there's nothing untoward going on there. david will see what a real, healthy relationship is meant to look like with you and your wife as an example, and so will jane. david will realise he needs to be more like you two, or jane will realise he does and will leave him if he doesn't.
...that most likely won't happen, but it's more likely if you agree to the double date than if you don't. friends won't choose friends over partners, that's a pretty unchangeable fact, so you need to work around that if you want to keep seeing jane, and hopefully persuade all parties that david is being very unreasonable.
please don't misunderstand, i think your analysis of david, and his relationship with jane, is completely accurate. but i don't think standing your ground will work here.
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yta for treating jane so poorly. you don’t have to agree with her relationship decisions. what makes you the asshole is that you’re being just as controlling of jane as david is.
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nah but why not go out as a foursome so the guy can become more comfortable with you? it doesn’t seem like this request is worth throwing out a friendship over. don’t make your friend choose between you and her boyfriend.
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yta. don't tell her how to manage her relationship.
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yta. theoretically i agree with you. but for all you know she has given him reason to be suspicious. it seems to be a small thing to do for your friend. there have been plenty of times i have hung out with my friends sig others who i dont like because they don't want to be left alone
you are trying to be a white knight here when she may not need one, and just wants to make things easy
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ESH
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ESH
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YTA
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NTA
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ESH
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NTA
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YTA
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NAH
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YTA
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YTA
| 0.382702
|
Classify the interpersonal conflict and explain your choice. Your choices are limited to you're the a**hole (yta) when the writer is causing the conflict, not the a**hole (nta) when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict, no a**holes here (nah) when no one is causing the conflict, everyone sucks here (esh) when everyone is causing the conflict, more information needed (info) when a classification cannot be made with the context provided. Conflict context: i'm 31m and have been married for 3 years. my friend "jane" is also 31. we've been friends for over 10 years. though we kind of drifted a bit in our late 20s, we still message fairly regularly and take the time to meet for dinner once or twice a year to catch up, just us. we don't have any mutual friends. i've only met her boyfriend "david" once (at my wedding as jane's plus-one). he seemed cool but i didn't speak to him much. a few days ago i called jane to suggest meeting up for dinner. jane said, ok but can we make it a double-date, i bring david and you bring (my wife) because david and i had a big argument and he's said that he thinks me meeting a guy alone is disrespectful to our relationship. he said he has kept his mouth shut for a long time but he doesn't want me doing it anymore. so can we make it a double-date please. i said i've got no issue with a double-date but his reasoning is bullshit, i'm not doing a double-date just because he is insecure and wants to control who you see. why are you letting him boss you around? jane said she had to prioritise her relationship and keeping things good between her and david, so even if she doesn't necessarily agree with his reasoning she accepts it. i refused to change my mind and insisted david is being controlling and jane is allowing it happen. jane is pissed at me for not doing "such a small thing" like a double-date and i'm "throwing our friendship away for nothing". david has apparently said that my reaction supports his view that i had ulterior motives because i only want to meet jane alone. nothing romantic has ever happened at all, and i don't give a shit if i meet her alone or not, i just think it is ridiculous to be told "sorry i can only meet you if there are other people around because i don't want to disrespect my boyfriend" my wife thinks me meeting jane for dinner alone is fine and doesn't get what the big deal is - we agree that either you trust your partner's judgement, or you shouldn't be with them. i am not budging and even if i lose jane's friendship, i won't feel like i've done something wrong. but obviously i'm doubting that which is why i'm here. aita?
|
<s>[INST] <<SYS>>
Classify the interpersonal conflict and explain your choice. Your choices are limited to you're the a**hole (yta) when the writer is causing the conflict, not the a**hole (nta) when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict, no a**holes here (nah) when no one is causing the conflict, everyone sucks here (esh) when everyone is causing the conflict, more information needed (info) when a classification cannot be made with the context provided.
<</SYS>>
i'm 31m and have been married for 3 years. my friend "jane" is also 31. we've been friends for over 10 years. though we kind of drifted a bit in our late 20s, we still message fairly regularly and take the time to meet for dinner once or twice a year to catch up, just us. we don't have any mutual friends. i've only met her boyfriend "david" once (at my wedding as jane's plus-one). he seemed cool but i didn't speak to him much. a few days ago i called jane to suggest meeting up for dinner. jane said, ok but can we make it a double-date, i bring david and you bring (my wife) because david and i had a big argument and he's said that he thinks me meeting a guy alone is disrespectful to our relationship. he said he has kept his mouth shut for a long time but he doesn't want me doing it anymore. so can we make it a double-date please. i said i've got no issue with a double-date but his reasoning is bullshit, i'm not doing a double-date just because he is insecure and wants to control who you see. why are you letting him boss you around? jane said she had to prioritise her relationship and keeping things good between her and david, so even if she doesn't necessarily agree with his reasoning she accepts it. i refused to change my mind and insisted david is being controlling and jane is allowing it happen. jane is pissed at me for not doing "such a small thing" like a double-date and i'm "throwing our friendship away for nothing". david has apparently said that my reaction supports his view that i had ulterior motives because i only want to meet jane alone. nothing romantic has ever happened at all, and i don't give a shit if i meet her alone or not, i just think it is ridiculous to be told "sorry i can only meet you if there are other people around because i don't want to disrespect my boyfriend" my wife thinks me meeting jane for dinner alone is fine and doesn't get what the big deal is - we agree that either you trust your partner's judgement, or you shouldn't be with them. i am not budging and even if i lose jane's friendship, i won't feel like i've done something wrong. but obviously i'm doubting that which is why i'm here. aita? [/INST] esh fine, he's insecure but you're digging in your heels just to spite him when your friend is asking as a matter of keeping the peace. you're even willing to lose jane's friendship to win this. if he's really "controlling", go. size him up. be her friend. if he's a bad guy, she needs friends. </s>
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AITA for explicitly pointing out when a friend of a friend eats something vegan?
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okay so i've never used reddit before so forgive me if i get anything wrong here. just wanted to post on here bc i've seen the videos and twitter threads and that with this sub and thpught maybe y'all could give some insight.
it's basically what the title says. i'm a vegan - definitely not one of *those* vegans though. like i legitimately do not care if someone eats animal products, i just choose not to, partly for ethical reasons and partly because i have various food allergies and a vegan diet is the best way to avoid anything that will nake me ill. i also don't expect to be catered to and am more than happy to bring my own food to parties and things, or eat before/after.
recently, my flatmate and i hosted a party. she prepared a bunch of non vegan finger food dishes for people and i did some vegan ones - spicy crispy tofu, black bean sliders and tempura veggies with a homemade sweet chili sauce if you're curious. a friend of ours brought her flatmate and he made a big show of being disgusted at all the vegan food, even taking a bite of a black bean slider and spitting it out and retching because "all vegan food is disgusting and there isn't a single vegan dish he likes." i was offended by this because 1. i cook for a living and take pride in my food and 2. that's nust fucking rude anyway. note: he was incredibly hammered when he did this, but didn't apologise and still hasn't.
now, since he did that, i've kinda made a point of pointing out when he eats something that is vegan. like, he has a piece of fruit? i'll say "you know fruit is vegan right?". he eats some oreos? i'll say "oh but i thought you didn't like a single vegan food?" etc. he's begun complaining to our mutual friend that i'm being an annoying, preachy vegan. i think i'm just making a point. what do y'all think? aita?
| 4,298
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https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/cedigu/aita_for_explicitly_pointing_out_when_a_friend_of/
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2019-07-17 14:23:24
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esh. both of yall are being annoying.
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nta - but definitely could get annoying. but i love it. winding people up is great fun.
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look, you have a valid point. your friend-of-a-friend eats a ton of vegan food and doesn't think about it. but if you don't want to be an annoying, preachy vegan, and you don't care what people eat, and you don't want people to get on you about your food choices, then you're best off to enjoy your (delicious sounding, btw) food, and leave this fellah to his poor choices and ignorance.
you're not in the wrong, but this continuing behavior is not cool either.
esh.
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nta, he was an asshole and made a spectacle about it and you are now pointing out flaws in his logic.
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esh. he was being an ass, but that's \*intensely\* passive-aggressive.
&#x200b;
also, if you're not one of "those" vegans (and like that fact) what you're doing makes you seem like one of "them"
&#x200b;
(edited for some grammar)
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nta - he started the whole mess by being disrespectful asshole eating your food & spitting it out right there (in your home /party you hosted, no less) that he never apologized for, it's only fair you point out everything vegan he eats in your presence.
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nta.
i'm a non-vegan who likes vegan food, so i take offense to people calling it gross, like a little child
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esh.
you might have made your point the first time you pointed out that something was vegan. but now you're turning into one of "those" vegans by being a passive-aggressive asshole about it.
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nta: what you’re doing isn’t that rude and he was incredibly disrespectful (and actually a pretty harmful idea, that if something doesn’t have meat then it’s inedible. american meat consumption is super high and responsible for both health and environmental issues). if he apologizes/stops being obnoxious and you keep doing it, it’ll become esh though.
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>definitely not one of *those* vegans though
you may not have been, but you kinda are now. that said, he's being whatever one of *those* non-vegans are, so ultimately esh.
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ESH
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NTA
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ESH
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NTA
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ESH
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NTA
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NTA
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ESH
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NTA
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ESH
| 0.421875
|
Classify the interpersonal conflict and explain your choice. Your choices are limited to you're the a**hole (yta) when the writer is causing the conflict, not the a**hole (nta) when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict, no a**holes here (nah) when no one is causing the conflict, everyone sucks here (esh) when everyone is causing the conflict, more information needed (info) when a classification cannot be made with the context provided. Conflict context: okay so i've never used reddit before so forgive me if i get anything wrong here. just wanted to post on here bc i've seen the videos and twitter threads and that with this sub and thpught maybe y'all could give some insight. it's basically what the title says. i'm a vegan - definitely not one of *those* vegans though. like i legitimately do not care if someone eats animal products, i just choose not to, partly for ethical reasons and partly because i have various food allergies and a vegan diet is the best way to avoid anything that will nake me ill. i also don't expect to be catered to and am more than happy to bring my own food to parties and things, or eat before/after. recently, my flatmate and i hosted a party. she prepared a bunch of non vegan finger food dishes for people and i did some vegan ones - spicy crispy tofu, black bean sliders and tempura veggies with a homemade sweet chili sauce if you're curious. a friend of ours brought her flatmate and he made a big show of being disgusted at all the vegan food, even taking a bite of a black bean slider and spitting it out and retching because "all vegan food is disgusting and there isn't a single vegan dish he likes." i was offended by this because 1. i cook for a living and take pride in my food and 2. that's nust fucking rude anyway. note: he was incredibly hammered when he did this, but didn't apologise and still hasn't. now, since he did that, i've kinda made a point of pointing out when he eats something that is vegan. like, he has a piece of fruit? i'll say "you know fruit is vegan right?". he eats some oreos? i'll say "oh but i thought you didn't like a single vegan food?" etc. he's begun complaining to our mutual friend that i'm being an annoying, preachy vegan. i think i'm just making a point. what do y'all think? aita?
|
<s>[INST] <<SYS>>
Classify the interpersonal conflict and explain your choice. Your choices are limited to you're the a**hole (yta) when the writer is causing the conflict, not the a**hole (nta) when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict, no a**holes here (nah) when no one is causing the conflict, everyone sucks here (esh) when everyone is causing the conflict, more information needed (info) when a classification cannot be made with the context provided.
<</SYS>>
okay so i've never used reddit before so forgive me if i get anything wrong here. just wanted to post on here bc i've seen the videos and twitter threads and that with this sub and thpught maybe y'all could give some insight. it's basically what the title says. i'm a vegan - definitely not one of *those* vegans though. like i legitimately do not care if someone eats animal products, i just choose not to, partly for ethical reasons and partly because i have various food allergies and a vegan diet is the best way to avoid anything that will nake me ill. i also don't expect to be catered to and am more than happy to bring my own food to parties and things, or eat before/after. recently, my flatmate and i hosted a party. she prepared a bunch of non vegan finger food dishes for people and i did some vegan ones - spicy crispy tofu, black bean sliders and tempura veggies with a homemade sweet chili sauce if you're curious. a friend of ours brought her flatmate and he made a big show of being disgusted at all the vegan food, even taking a bite of a black bean slider and spitting it out and retching because "all vegan food is disgusting and there isn't a single vegan dish he likes." i was offended by this because 1. i cook for a living and take pride in my food and 2. that's nust fucking rude anyway. note: he was incredibly hammered when he did this, but didn't apologise and still hasn't. now, since he did that, i've kinda made a point of pointing out when he eats something that is vegan. like, he has a piece of fruit? i'll say "you know fruit is vegan right?". he eats some oreos? i'll say "oh but i thought you didn't like a single vegan food?" etc. he's begun complaining to our mutual friend that i'm being an annoying, preachy vegan. i think i'm just making a point. what do y'all think? aita? [/INST] esh. both of yall are being annoying. </s>
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AITA for taking away my late daughter's clothes from my step daughter?
|
my daughter passed away 6 month ago. it has been devastating for my family. we all have taken it hard. we have all avoided her room all summer. i am finally in a place to clean her room and give away most of her things.
i was talking to my step daughter about it and she wants them. she even went into her room and picked up some of her clothes. she has been wearing some off those clothes around the house. i hate it. i see her walking across the room and expect it to my daughter. it makes me tear up a little and sends me to very bad place. she has been wearing my daughter's clothes for a whole fucking week. i can't take it anymore.
i have gently asked her not to do it but she still does it. she had done her laundry and kept the clothes lying around near the machine. i took my daughter's stuff and kept them away in my room. she noticed it and she screamed at me. she demanded that she wanted them and that she needs them. she was close to tears as well. i refused and she is not talking to me.
i feel like an asshole because i think i have hurt her. i don't know why she wants those clothes but i feel like i didn't communicate this well.
| 3,031
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https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/pbsy3m/aita_for_taking_away_my_late_daughters_clothes/
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2021-08-26 05:20:45
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nah.
she doesn't understand how her wearing those clothes impacts you, and you don't understand that her wearing those clothes probably helps her grief.
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how was her relationship with your daughter? if they were close, wearing her clothes may help her cope with the loss of her step sister.
i’m so sorry for your loss.
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nah
have you considered that her wearing the clothes is her own way of coping with her stepsister's passing?
i'm really sorry, this situation has to be really difficult on everyone.
|
[deleted]
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nah. i am so so sorry for your loss. i can’t even begin to imagine your pain.
you are definitely not wrong in how you’re feeling and the effect the clothes have on you. granted, you didn’t talk about your stepdaughter’s relationship with your daughter, but were they close? is her wanting the clothes her way of grieving and remembering someone she loved? if the clothes were truly just a materialistic thing to her, she might have tried getting the clothes much sooner than 6 months.
please have a talk with your stepdaughter about the clothes and their meaning to you and what they mean to her.
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nah. grief is.. grief is strange. it can make us do things we don't understand. maybe talk to your step daughter about it? without any blame, or anger, or guilt, if you can. if you don't know if you can, try some family therapy, a few sessions, just the two of you. this seems like it's important to both of you, and working through it together could really be helpful for the both of you.
i've lost immediate family, too. my heart reaches out to you in commiseration.
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nta but ss may be wanting those clothes because they make her feel close to her sister’s memory. (i sometimes wear my mother’s ratty old robe when i want to feel close to her and it’s almost like feeling her hugging me again.)
maybe ask her to pick one or two special things and then pack the rest away/get rid of. everyone in your family is hurting right now and i’m so sorry for your loss. :(
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nah but you guys need family therapy.
for you losing a child, and for her losing a sister. everyone copes with grief in different ways.
for her it might be wearing your daughter clothes makes her feel like, in a way, she’s still with her?
either way, this was a very traumatic event that should be talked over via family counseling
|
nta. we all grieve differently. your reaction was valid, you asked her not to do this and she didn’t listen. when we lose someone we cling to whatever we have left of them and your daughter’s clothes are part of that memory for you, there is absolutely nothing wrong with that.
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my grandfather passed away almost 30 years ago and i still have (and frequently wear) one of his flannel shirts! as much as it hurts you seeing her clothes, it may be helping your step daughter heal. i think you both need to find a solution that makes everyone comfortable.
also i'm so sorry to hear about your daughter <3
|
NAH
| null |
NAH
| null |
NAH
|
NAH
|
NTA
|
NAH
|
NTA
| null | 0.028811
|
Classify the interpersonal conflict and explain your choice. Your choices are limited to you're the a**hole (yta) when the writer is causing the conflict, not the a**hole (nta) when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict, no a**holes here (nah) when no one is causing the conflict, everyone sucks here (esh) when everyone is causing the conflict, more information needed (info) when a classification cannot be made with the context provided. Conflict context: my daughter passed away 6 month ago. it has been devastating for my family. we all have taken it hard. we have all avoided her room all summer. i am finally in a place to clean her room and give away most of her things. i was talking to my step daughter about it and she wants them. she even went into her room and picked up some of her clothes. she has been wearing some off those clothes around the house. i hate it. i see her walking across the room and expect it to my daughter. it makes me tear up a little and sends me to very bad place. she has been wearing my daughter's clothes for a whole fucking week. i can't take it anymore. i have gently asked her not to do it but she still does it. she had done her laundry and kept the clothes lying around near the machine. i took my daughter's stuff and kept them away in my room. she noticed it and she screamed at me. she demanded that she wanted them and that she needs them. she was close to tears as well. i refused and she is not talking to me. i feel like an asshole because i think i have hurt her. i don't know why she wants those clothes but i feel like i didn't communicate this well.
|
<s>[INST] <<SYS>>
Classify the interpersonal conflict and explain your choice. Your choices are limited to you're the a**hole (yta) when the writer is causing the conflict, not the a**hole (nta) when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict, no a**holes here (nah) when no one is causing the conflict, everyone sucks here (esh) when everyone is causing the conflict, more information needed (info) when a classification cannot be made with the context provided.
<</SYS>>
my daughter passed away 6 month ago. it has been devastating for my family. we all have taken it hard. we have all avoided her room all summer. i am finally in a place to clean her room and give away most of her things. i was talking to my step daughter about it and she wants them. she even went into her room and picked up some of her clothes. she has been wearing some off those clothes around the house. i hate it. i see her walking across the room and expect it to my daughter. it makes me tear up a little and sends me to very bad place. she has been wearing my daughter's clothes for a whole fucking week. i can't take it anymore. i have gently asked her not to do it but she still does it. she had done her laundry and kept the clothes lying around near the machine. i took my daughter's stuff and kept them away in my room. she noticed it and she screamed at me. she demanded that she wanted them and that she needs them. she was close to tears as well. i refused and she is not talking to me. i feel like an asshole because i think i have hurt her. i don't know why she wants those clothes but i feel like i didn't communicate this well. [/INST] nah. she doesn't understand how her wearing those clothes impacts you, and you don't understand that her wearing those clothes probably helps her grief. </s>
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AITA for telling my sister I don't trust her to watch my son?
|
i'm a 19 year old man with a 3mo old son. his mother surrendered her rights and is no longer in the picture. i work 4am-12pm at a gas station and i raise my son, that's what i do these days. only one of my friends still speaks to me and hangs out with me. i live at home with my parents and sister (21) and pay a small rent each month. i can't afford to move out with the baby. my parents help me when they can. my sister doesn't like my son, she once told me she thinks he's an annoyance and hinderance. if he cries she complains. if there's baby clothes in the laundry she complains. basically the baby exists and that pisses her off. i'm not perfect but i'm trying my best to be a good dad. my sister has never offered to help with the baby beyond holding him briefly and she hasn't done that more than about four or five times since he was born.
the other day my friend called and offered me a really great opportunity for some side-work. he works construction and they needed an extra guy for some installation work. four hours and i'd get $400.00. i jumped at it, any extra money can only help. i started trying to find a babysitter. my sister was hanging out in the living room while i walked around the house on the phone. i managed to find a sitter who said she didn't want to be paid and went to get the baby ready. my sister asked me why i didn't ask her when she was sitting right there. i told her i didn't think she'd want to since she'd never offered to help before. she told me it was different, this was for work and not just me wanting to sleep or whatever, and he was about to go down for his nap and he's pretty easy when first wakes up, she told me it wouldn't be a problem.
i asked her why she didn't say something between phone calls and she said she didn't think she needed too because we're family and family asks each other for help. i reminded her of all the times she'd complained about the baby and me and called him names and told me she waited he'd never been born and asked her why she thought i'd ever trust her with my son. she started crying and told me that wasn't fair and i needed to remember that the whole house was dealing with a baby and she was just having a hard time adjusting but she'd never do anything to hurt him. i told her she should have spoken to me about her feelings instead of acting like a child, took my son and left. when i got home both my parents set in on me because my sister told them i'd accused her of bad intentions to the baby. aita for being honest when my sister offered to babysit?
| 28,885
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https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/f93gj0/aita_for_telling_my_sister_i_dont_trust_her_to/
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2020-02-25 03:02:48
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nta. she only offered because she thinks she’ll be paid. your instincts are correct. with everything she’s said about your son she’d be the very last name on the list. remind your parents of the comments she’s made. you have no reason at all to trust her when it comes to your kid.
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nta. kudos to you, op, for busting your ass to be a good dad. your sister clearly has issues with your kid, so her watching him for an extended period, napping or not, seems like a bad idea. you did the right thing.
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info who on earth did you find who was willing to watch an infant for free?
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your sister has made it very clear that she’s not interested in helping with the baby, i wouldn’t have asked either.
nta. good luck to you, being a single parent is hard, especially so young.
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nta- she from your description isnt a safe choice to watch your son. you're doing great.
|
i had a babysitter force-feed my children water. she had the idea that if 8 glasses a day (for adults) is good, then 8 gallons a day (even for preschoolers) was better. i'm very lucky my children weren't seriously harmed, but that was the utter end of leaving my children with anyone else until they were old enough to resist wicked authority.
i don't think any parent whose babysitter harms their child can really be prepared for it, but you should trust your instincts.
please read this:
# the gift of fear : and other survival signals that protect us from violence by gavin de becker
your instinct tells you that your sister can really harm your baby. don't force yourself to ignore that just to be polite.
|
nta
your sister has made it clear she dislikes your kid. she's called him an annoyance and a hindrance.
you are absolutely right to not trust her with babysitting. what if the baby starts wailing for some reason. how do you know how she'll react considering she's wanted nothing to do with him since he was born and complains when he cries.
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[deleted]
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nah... hear me out.
i certainly think you’re not the asshole, but hearing your sisters argument, i sort of agree with her in a big way.
yes it’s your baby, but the whole family are also living with him and that would obviously change their lives too. perhaps it would be annoying sometimes (for example, if they want to watch a movie at night and can’t for fears of waking the baby) as babies change your lives and even parents who feel ready for a child have moments where they break down about everything from being awaken at all hours etc.
fair enough, i haven’t had to live with a baby. but i have friends who have (a family members kid) and they need to walk on egg shells in their own homes. this can obviously take a toll.
so yeah she should have said what she said differently, but there could be some merit to what she’s saying. after all, babies aren’t always unicorns and rainbows. they’re hard work for everyone even if they’re not directly involved.
and lastly, she said that she would have helped you out here so there’s that. you never know, it could have been a way to have her become more accepting?
|
esh.
i'm childfree by choice and would prefer to not care for children also i find them generally annoying. i will absolutely step up if a family members, or friends kids, need watching because parents are in a bind.
i think this was a good learning situation for everyone. sister gets to see how her words affect her trustworthiness, you communicated your feelings well, and stood up to your parents while accepting help that was offer via your community.
if possible i'd have a sit down conversation expressing that her words mean something and that if she truly feels she wants to be able to be called on in a pinch she needs to show she's capable of taking care of the kid. ie watch how things are done and why they're done for kiddo.
i think she's also venting the only way she knows how about the dramatic change in her home. kids affect everyone they live with and she likely feels like she has no control ( not like she had a lot to begin with) if her living situation.
|
NTA
|
NTA
|
INFO
|
NTA
|
NTA
| null |
NTA
| null |
NAH
|
ESH
| 0.076621
|
Classify the interpersonal conflict and explain your choice. Your choices are limited to you're the a**hole (yta) when the writer is causing the conflict, not the a**hole (nta) when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict, no a**holes here (nah) when no one is causing the conflict, everyone sucks here (esh) when everyone is causing the conflict, more information needed (info) when a classification cannot be made with the context provided. Conflict context: i'm a 19 year old man with a 3mo old son. his mother surrendered her rights and is no longer in the picture. i work 4am-12pm at a gas station and i raise my son, that's what i do these days. only one of my friends still speaks to me and hangs out with me. i live at home with my parents and sister (21) and pay a small rent each month. i can't afford to move out with the baby. my parents help me when they can. my sister doesn't like my son, she once told me she thinks he's an annoyance and hinderance. if he cries she complains. if there's baby clothes in the laundry she complains. basically the baby exists and that pisses her off. i'm not perfect but i'm trying my best to be a good dad. my sister has never offered to help with the baby beyond holding him briefly and she hasn't done that more than about four or five times since he was born. the other day my friend called and offered me a really great opportunity for some side-work. he works construction and they needed an extra guy for some installation work. four hours and i'd get $400.00. i jumped at it, any extra money can only help. i started trying to find a babysitter. my sister was hanging out in the living room while i walked around the house on the phone. i managed to find a sitter who said she didn't want to be paid and went to get the baby ready. my sister asked me why i didn't ask her when she was sitting right there. i told her i didn't think she'd want to since she'd never offered to help before. she told me it was different, this was for work and not just me wanting to sleep or whatever, and he was about to go down for his nap and he's pretty easy when first wakes up, she told me it wouldn't be a problem. i asked her why she didn't say something between phone calls and she said she didn't think she needed too because we're family and family asks each other for help. i reminded her of all the times she'd complained about the baby and me and called him names and told me she waited he'd never been born and asked her why she thought i'd ever trust her with my son. she started crying and told me that wasn't fair and i needed to remember that the whole house was dealing with a baby and she was just having a hard time adjusting but she'd never do anything to hurt him. i told her she should have spoken to me about her feelings instead of acting like a child, took my son and left. when i got home both my parents set in on me because my sister told them i'd accused her of bad intentions to the baby. aita for being honest when my sister offered to babysit?
|
<s>[INST] <<SYS>>
Classify the interpersonal conflict and explain your choice. Your choices are limited to you're the a**hole (yta) when the writer is causing the conflict, not the a**hole (nta) when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict, no a**holes here (nah) when no one is causing the conflict, everyone sucks here (esh) when everyone is causing the conflict, more information needed (info) when a classification cannot be made with the context provided.
<</SYS>>
i'm a 19 year old man with a 3mo old son. his mother surrendered her rights and is no longer in the picture. i work 4am-12pm at a gas station and i raise my son, that's what i do these days. only one of my friends still speaks to me and hangs out with me. i live at home with my parents and sister (21) and pay a small rent each month. i can't afford to move out with the baby. my parents help me when they can. my sister doesn't like my son, she once told me she thinks he's an annoyance and hinderance. if he cries she complains. if there's baby clothes in the laundry she complains. basically the baby exists and that pisses her off. i'm not perfect but i'm trying my best to be a good dad. my sister has never offered to help with the baby beyond holding him briefly and she hasn't done that more than about four or five times since he was born. the other day my friend called and offered me a really great opportunity for some side-work. he works construction and they needed an extra guy for some installation work. four hours and i'd get $400.00. i jumped at it, any extra money can only help. i started trying to find a babysitter. my sister was hanging out in the living room while i walked around the house on the phone. i managed to find a sitter who said she didn't want to be paid and went to get the baby ready. my sister asked me why i didn't ask her when she was sitting right there. i told her i didn't think she'd want to since she'd never offered to help before. she told me it was different, this was for work and not just me wanting to sleep or whatever, and he was about to go down for his nap and he's pretty easy when first wakes up, she told me it wouldn't be a problem. i asked her why she didn't say something between phone calls and she said she didn't think she needed too because we're family and family asks each other for help. i reminded her of all the times she'd complained about the baby and me and called him names and told me she waited he'd never been born and asked her why she thought i'd ever trust her with my son. she started crying and told me that wasn't fair and i needed to remember that the whole house was dealing with a baby and she was just having a hard time adjusting but she'd never do anything to hurt him. i told her she should have spoken to me about her feelings instead of acting like a child, took my son and left. when i got home both my parents set in on me because my sister told them i'd accused her of bad intentions to the baby. aita for being honest when my sister offered to babysit? [/INST] nta. she only offered because she thinks she’ll be paid. your instincts are correct. with everything she’s said about your son she’d be the very last name on the list. remind your parents of the comments she’s made. you have no reason at all to trust her when it comes to your kid. </s>
|
AITA For walking out of a job interview?
|
i (26m) got offered an interview for a job i had my eye on for quite some time. i was scheduled to meet with three people within the actual office itself, and considering this was a job that could be done remotely, that raised my suspicion but i still decided to learn more about the position.
when i got there, the first interviewer (who was with hr) took almost 20 minutes to call me in. the receptionist was nice and all, and kept trying to reach out to them to see what was taking so long, but nonetheless that irked me the wrong way.
my interviewer eventually walked into the lobby and told me to follow him, no apology for the long wait. to describe him, he was a tiny guy, about 5'6, and spoke in that weird valley girl accent (important later). the actual interview went off the rails really quick. my interviewer was rude to me and cut me off a lot. for background, i live with my parents because they have health issues and i help take care of them, so moving out isn't an easy option for me or them. when the interviewer asked where i lived, i told him i lived with my parents in x town. he laughed and asked if i was too scared to move out.
i was still trying to be professional but he kept making snide remarks about some of my experience, the state school i went to, etc. i eventually got fed up and i felt like i wasn't going to get the job anyways so i decided to tell him "you're being really unprofessional, so we're done here."
he got mad and said "so you don't want to meet the team you're interviewing with?"
i told him "no, if hr is this unprofessional then i can't imagine what everyone else here is like."
as i was leaving through the lobby, the hr guy followed me and tried to embarrass me by saying out loud to the receptionist "he is no longer welcomed here, if he tries to come back in call the police."
i told him to shove it and go make out with his boyfriend so that way no one has to hear his voice, then i left.
i had never walked out of an interview in my life, no matter how well or bad they went. i did kinda feel bad for skipping out on the other two interviews which would have been with some of the managers on the team i would be working with, but i absolutely hate most hr departments as it is since they produce some of the most toxic people, and if this hr guy was really unprofessional, i question the company as a whole.
| 6,153
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https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/iic7yr/aita_for_walking_out_of_a_job_interview/
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2020-08-28 18:10:06
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esh. this whole thing is just two assholes butting heads. you were perfectly within your right to leave because he was being unprofessional. but did you really need to stoop so low with the final comment you made?
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esh the hr guy is an ah for being insulting and rude, and you are also an ah for being homophobic. you were right to walk out, but from what i see in the comments you keep defending your homophobia which reverses any sympathy i might have had. you are clearly just as judgemental of the way this guy talks as he is of you living with your parents. assuming someone's sexuality from their voice/looks and then using that assumption to attack them is a ah move.
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>i told him to shove it and go make out with his boyfriend
yta just for this.
it's fine to walk out of interviews. it's fine to let them know why you're walking out of the interview. it's not okay to insinuate someone's gay as an insult. it's 2020, don't be homophobic.
also... your main complaint is that he was so unprofessional, but insulting him is also incredibly unprofessional. if you're going to say you value professionalism, then act like it. you lost any chance you had of being taken seriously, because instead of 'good candidate giving feedback about why they turned down the job' is now just 'petty spat with a rude homophobic candidate'.
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esh. i was totally cheering for you until you decided to throw in a homophobic dig. you were perfectly justified until you went low.
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esh. out of curiosity what on earth does his height have to do with anything?
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yta for being homophobic. i also imagine much of this story is over exaggerated and you just don’t like him because he’s “feminine” and you’re homophobic. short men with “valley girl accents” aren’t necessarily gay anyway. ugh.
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>i told him to shove it and go make out with his boyfriend so that way no one has to hear his voice, then i left.
aaaaaaaaand that's what made it esh
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esh, you're both assholes, now go make out with each other
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you were without a doubt n t a up until the final insult.
don't stoop to someone else's level. and especially don't insult someone based on a stereotype and/or their sexual preferences. that's always unnecessary and will always make you an asshole.
so it has to be esh
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you’re joking right? yta
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ESH
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ESH
|
YTA
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ESH
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ESH
|
YTA
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ESH
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ESH
|
NTA
|
YTA
| 0.136931
|
Classify the interpersonal conflict and explain your choice. Your choices are limited to you're the a**hole (yta) when the writer is causing the conflict, not the a**hole (nta) when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict, no a**holes here (nah) when no one is causing the conflict, everyone sucks here (esh) when everyone is causing the conflict, more information needed (info) when a classification cannot be made with the context provided. Conflict context: i (26m) got offered an interview for a job i had my eye on for quite some time. i was scheduled to meet with three people within the actual office itself, and considering this was a job that could be done remotely, that raised my suspicion but i still decided to learn more about the position. when i got there, the first interviewer (who was with hr) took almost 20 minutes to call me in. the receptionist was nice and all, and kept trying to reach out to them to see what was taking so long, but nonetheless that irked me the wrong way. my interviewer eventually walked into the lobby and told me to follow him, no apology for the long wait. to describe him, he was a tiny guy, about 5'6, and spoke in that weird valley girl accent (important later). the actual interview went off the rails really quick. my interviewer was rude to me and cut me off a lot. for background, i live with my parents because they have health issues and i help take care of them, so moving out isn't an easy option for me or them. when the interviewer asked where i lived, i told him i lived with my parents in x town. he laughed and asked if i was too scared to move out. i was still trying to be professional but he kept making snide remarks about some of my experience, the state school i went to, etc. i eventually got fed up and i felt like i wasn't going to get the job anyways so i decided to tell him "you're being really unprofessional, so we're done here." he got mad and said "so you don't want to meet the team you're interviewing with?" i told him "no, if hr is this unprofessional then i can't imagine what everyone else here is like." as i was leaving through the lobby, the hr guy followed me and tried to embarrass me by saying out loud to the receptionist "he is no longer welcomed here, if he tries to come back in call the police." i told him to shove it and go make out with his boyfriend so that way no one has to hear his voice, then i left. i had never walked out of an interview in my life, no matter how well or bad they went. i did kinda feel bad for skipping out on the other two interviews which would have been with some of the managers on the team i would be working with, but i absolutely hate most hr departments as it is since they produce some of the most toxic people, and if this hr guy was really unprofessional, i question the company as a whole.
|
<s>[INST] <<SYS>>
Classify the interpersonal conflict and explain your choice. Your choices are limited to you're the a**hole (yta) when the writer is causing the conflict, not the a**hole (nta) when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict, no a**holes here (nah) when no one is causing the conflict, everyone sucks here (esh) when everyone is causing the conflict, more information needed (info) when a classification cannot be made with the context provided.
<</SYS>>
i (26m) got offered an interview for a job i had my eye on for quite some time. i was scheduled to meet with three people within the actual office itself, and considering this was a job that could be done remotely, that raised my suspicion but i still decided to learn more about the position. when i got there, the first interviewer (who was with hr) took almost 20 minutes to call me in. the receptionist was nice and all, and kept trying to reach out to them to see what was taking so long, but nonetheless that irked me the wrong way. my interviewer eventually walked into the lobby and told me to follow him, no apology for the long wait. to describe him, he was a tiny guy, about 5'6, and spoke in that weird valley girl accent (important later). the actual interview went off the rails really quick. my interviewer was rude to me and cut me off a lot. for background, i live with my parents because they have health issues and i help take care of them, so moving out isn't an easy option for me or them. when the interviewer asked where i lived, i told him i lived with my parents in x town. he laughed and asked if i was too scared to move out. i was still trying to be professional but he kept making snide remarks about some of my experience, the state school i went to, etc. i eventually got fed up and i felt like i wasn't going to get the job anyways so i decided to tell him "you're being really unprofessional, so we're done here." he got mad and said "so you don't want to meet the team you're interviewing with?" i told him "no, if hr is this unprofessional then i can't imagine what everyone else here is like." as i was leaving through the lobby, the hr guy followed me and tried to embarrass me by saying out loud to the receptionist "he is no longer welcomed here, if he tries to come back in call the police." i told him to shove it and go make out with his boyfriend so that way no one has to hear his voice, then i left. i had never walked out of an interview in my life, no matter how well or bad they went. i did kinda feel bad for skipping out on the other two interviews which would have been with some of the managers on the team i would be working with, but i absolutely hate most hr departments as it is since they produce some of the most toxic people, and if this hr guy was really unprofessional, i question the company as a whole. [/INST] esh. this whole thing is just two assholes butting heads. you were perfectly within your right to leave because he was being unprofessional. but did you really need to stoop so low with the final comment you made? </s>
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AITA for telling my MIL she is a shitty employer and verging on discrimination because she doesn't want me to participate in casual Friday?
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my mil offered me a job as her assistant to help us out, because she knew i needed a better paying job and more stable hours. i really do appreciate that. the office culture is pretty laid back and on fridays you can dress more casual. i do dress down, but not anymore casual than anyone else. the difference is there is a definite vibe to the office and i don't fit in. all of her other employees are very fashionable, into their hair and makeup, and they fit a certain image mil has of the company.
mil talked to me today about my outfit. i was wearing sneakers and a sweatshirt, but literally so was she, though hers was girlier/more fashionable. she said we need to reevaluate casual friday because i don't look good. i pointed out she was dressed the same way and she said i look less professional because i didn't do my hair and makeup. she finally admitted this was coming from her business partner and he thinks i should have different rules because i'm not as pretty. i told her she was a shitty boss, she is lucky i don't sue her and she was discriminating against ugly people.
mil said i was being dramatic because she is doing me a favor. she actually called her lawyer husband to ask if it was discrimination and he thought it was hilarious. the only reason i slightly feel like an asshole is because it was coming from the business partner not her (and he is objectively the worst person ever) and because mil told her two bffs who are both woc and they chewed me out for using the word discrimination.
| 559
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https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/svrk2c/aita_for_telling_my_mil_she_is_a_shitty_employer/
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2022-02-18 20:26:24
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info: did she literally say it’s because you’re not as pretty?
because there’s a difference between saying ‘you have different rules because you’re ugly’ and ‘even though it’s casual day, our office norm is to have a more polished appearance than what we’re seeing from you’.
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i need some more clarification:
were your clothes wrinkle and stain free?
did they fit or were they really baggy (i ask because i wear super big sweatshirts which i would never wear for a casual day because it looks messy)?
you said you didn't do hair and makeup, but did you look like you just rolled out of bed? many people don't wear makeup or style their hair, but they still look clean and put together if that makes sense?
i'm wondering why they only said this during casual friday. if it was about you being ugly, wouldn't this be an everyday issue?
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not going to make a judgment but being ugly is not a protected trait so you will have difficultly suing.
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you threatened to sue someone who did you a favor with a totally baseless premise.
you dressed inappropriately, were called out on it, and threw a tantrum instead of fixing things. you keep rationalizing your wardrobe choices in spite of the people who decide what is and isn't acceptable attire telling you what you wear is not ok.
you alienated others who have likely experienced discrimination in their work with your baseless claims.
if i were her i'd fire you without a moment's hesitation and never extend a hand again. id start figuring out how to stand on my own 2 feet asap and how to function without favors.
yta.
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esh
she shouldn't say that it's because you're "not as pretty".
but it sounds like casual friday isn't as "casual" as it is in other places, and it's okay for there the be a dress code. there's a difference between looks and not wearing make up (and i say this as someone who never wears make up).
it's definitely not discrimination. there's no protected class here and you sound incredibly immature by threatening to sue over it.
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info:
are you saying that those are the words she used?
or honestly, are you being singled out because you aren't making an effort to "fit in" to the office culture when your mil has gone to significant expense and aggravation to create a position for you. you are not there because of your experience or skill level. you are there because your mil is trying to help.
an assistant by definition is supposed to make things easier for their boss. you seem intent on doing the opposite.
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esh.
from what you said, you look slovenly at a place of work that had a semi casual day. this is how casual fridays get cancelled because people like you think that means a free pass to be presentable. office casual is not actually casual.
it depends on the job too. i’ve been at places where casual means no tie. i’ve never been anywhere where regular street sneakers would have fit in where the rest of the week was dressy.
now your mom is the asshole for the not pretty comment. what a shit thing to say. especially since i bet she is just blaming her partner instead of owning it.
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she did you a favor hiring you, and now you are making her job harder.
either suck it up, or go find another job.
you are ta. poc facing real discrimination out there, you are just whining.
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that’s really casual for a business. when we do casual fridays it’s dark denim or trouser jeans, a nice shirt, and something like flats or loafers. since you’re new, you need to aim for somewhere in the middle of what everyone else is wearing until you get a better grasp on things. if i had an employee show up wearing a sweatshirt and sneakers i would give them one warning and send them home next time. even if we’re out in the field we’re expected to look no worse than anyone else is. so i say yta, it’s a business, dress appropriately.
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yta. there is a difference in casual and sloppy and it is in the presentation and polish.
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INFO
| null | null |
YTA
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ESH
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INFO
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ESH
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YTA
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YTA
| 0.076499
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Classify the interpersonal conflict and explain your choice. Your choices are limited to you're the a**hole (yta) when the writer is causing the conflict, not the a**hole (nta) when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict, no a**holes here (nah) when no one is causing the conflict, everyone sucks here (esh) when everyone is causing the conflict, more information needed (info) when a classification cannot be made with the context provided. Conflict context: my mil offered me a job as her assistant to help us out, because she knew i needed a better paying job and more stable hours. i really do appreciate that. the office culture is pretty laid back and on fridays you can dress more casual. i do dress down, but not anymore casual than anyone else. the difference is there is a definite vibe to the office and i don't fit in. all of her other employees are very fashionable, into their hair and makeup, and they fit a certain image mil has of the company. mil talked to me today about my outfit. i was wearing sneakers and a sweatshirt, but literally so was she, though hers was girlier/more fashionable. she said we need to reevaluate casual friday because i don't look good. i pointed out she was dressed the same way and she said i look less professional because i didn't do my hair and makeup. she finally admitted this was coming from her business partner and he thinks i should have different rules because i'm not as pretty. i told her she was a shitty boss, she is lucky i don't sue her and she was discriminating against ugly people. mil said i was being dramatic because she is doing me a favor. she actually called her lawyer husband to ask if it was discrimination and he thought it was hilarious. the only reason i slightly feel like an asshole is because it was coming from the business partner not her (and he is objectively the worst person ever) and because mil told her two bffs who are both woc and they chewed me out for using the word discrimination.
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<s>[INST] <<SYS>>
Classify the interpersonal conflict and explain your choice. Your choices are limited to you're the a**hole (yta) when the writer is causing the conflict, not the a**hole (nta) when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict, no a**holes here (nah) when no one is causing the conflict, everyone sucks here (esh) when everyone is causing the conflict, more information needed (info) when a classification cannot be made with the context provided.
<</SYS>>
my mil offered me a job as her assistant to help us out, because she knew i needed a better paying job and more stable hours. i really do appreciate that. the office culture is pretty laid back and on fridays you can dress more casual. i do dress down, but not anymore casual than anyone else. the difference is there is a definite vibe to the office and i don't fit in. all of her other employees are very fashionable, into their hair and makeup, and they fit a certain image mil has of the company. mil talked to me today about my outfit. i was wearing sneakers and a sweatshirt, but literally so was she, though hers was girlier/more fashionable. she said we need to reevaluate casual friday because i don't look good. i pointed out she was dressed the same way and she said i look less professional because i didn't do my hair and makeup. she finally admitted this was coming from her business partner and he thinks i should have different rules because i'm not as pretty. i told her she was a shitty boss, she is lucky i don't sue her and she was discriminating against ugly people. mil said i was being dramatic because she is doing me a favor. she actually called her lawyer husband to ask if it was discrimination and he thought it was hilarious. the only reason i slightly feel like an asshole is because it was coming from the business partner not her (and he is objectively the worst person ever) and because mil told her two bffs who are both woc and they chewed me out for using the word discrimination. [/INST] info: did she literally say it’s because you’re not as pretty? because there’s a difference between saying ‘you have different rules because you’re ugly’ and ‘even though it’s casual day, our office norm is to have a more polished appearance than what we’re seeing from you’. </s>
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Aita for choosing my birth family over adoptive family
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so i (18f) am a transracial adoptee. i am half indian and half ashkenazi jewish while my adopters are white. my adopters were ok growing up. they never abused me but i never really bonded with them. it felt like being raised by strangers. when i was 15 i found bio mom on facebook and told her who i was. she messaged me back and said that she was so happy to hear from me and if i would be interested in having a skype call. well i found out that her and my bio dad are actually still together and married. so i was able to meet him. so we started making contact again and opened the adoption. i confided a lot in my bio parents about how alone i felt growing up. one day when i was talking with my mom i was feeling really emotional and i asked why she ever put me up for adoption in the first place and i told her how much it hurt to feel unwanted by her. she cried and told me she loved me. she told me how when she met my adoptive “parents” she was looking for an open adoption and my adopters agreed to it. when i was born my bio mom did skin to skin with me and knew that she wanted to keep me. but my adoptive “mom” convinced her to still place me. she told my bio mom said they would allow visitation and that she would still get to be in my life. my adopters closed the adoption after a year. i confronted my adoptive “parents” about it and they broke down crying they told me how much they loved me and how scared they were that they would lose me. it ended with them saying that they would let my parents visit and that we should get family therapy. however i still have no attachment to them. i honestly don’t think of them as my parents or my family. the only people who hold that title in my heart are my bio fam. well that was all 3 years ago and since then i go to college near where my bio parents and extended bio family live and i am living with my bio parents. i have also started referring to my bio parents as my mom and dad and calling my adoptive “parents” by their first names. this is a source of arguments between me and adoptive “parents” because to them there worst fear of losing me has come true. the latest argument is over the fact that i changed my name. my adoptive “parents” gave me a white name and used the traditional desi name my bio parents wanted to name me as a middle name. i changed my name so that my middle name became my first name, and my middle name is the name of my bio grandmother who i have also established a relationship with. i also changed my last name to be the same as bio dad’s. my “parents” threw a fit over it and at that moment i realized i get no happiness from being around my adopters and it only brings me stress. i am not their daughter and never was. so i told my adopters that i could not have contact with them any more and they lost it. now my entire adoptive “family” is messaging me on social media to tell me what an asshole i am. aita?
| 8,046
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https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/pcemtj/aita_for_choosing_my_birth_family_over_adoptive/
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2021-08-27 02:53:36
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yta. your adoptive parents raised and cared for you from the second you were born and your bio parents had nothing to do with you, until you were old enough to manipulate. your bio parents do not deserve to be called mom and dad and shame on you for not even giving the people who fed and clothed you throughout the years any credit at all. your bio parents aren’t perfect and you put them on some imaginary pedestal that will eventually believe it or not start to crumble.
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yta
this post breaks my heart because i am also adopted. from another adopted persons opinion, i could never consider my bio parents my real parents after giving me up. it doesn’t matter why parents give up their child, they still gave you up and you were adopted by people who wanted to give you a good life, of which they did. i feel for your adopted parents because while technically you don’t owe them anything, they gave you everything and you’re discarding them like trash.
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wtaf did i just read?
there’s so much wrong with all of this that i don’t even know where to begin.
i cannot believe you have the fcking nerve to call the people who, fed, clothed, raised and put a roof over your head for 15yrs “***my adopters***” that is by far one of the worst things i have heard. and truly has my blood ***boiling***
you wanna stand there and believe your adoptive **mom** forced your incubator to give you up you go ahead and do that but you better recognize that at the end of the day the decision was ***hers*** nobody else’s. she **chose** to give you up that was her and sperm donors decision. literally nobody else’s. but yea man believe this delusional fantasy they’re shilling you.
your adoptive **parents** stepped tf up when the other people bailed out.
your ability to do this to **parents** who did nothing but love, support and provide for you is just astonishing and tells us all *everything* we need to know about what kind person you are. hint: it’s not good.
#### yta
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as a transracial adoptee it's an unfortunate esh. i can't find the words to describe how much pain everyone here must be feeling. your adoptive parents did the wrong thing by closing the adoption and lying to your bio parents. your bio parents, despite their probable resentment for your adoptive parents, should have created stronger boundaries for your newfound relationship with them and been more empathetic to your adoptive parents who are going through a similar loss of a child now that you've disowned them. you seem like you've grown up with a lot of pain, but you fail to realize that even though the decisions regarding your adoptions were not your own, the decisions you, as an 18yr old, are making now are hurting people.
it's sad to know that you didn't bond with the people who raised you and that you must have felt so alone and othered, but it is perfectly okay because it's your choice as to how you go about your adult relationships. however, choices don't have to be unsympathetic, which you are being to your adoptive family. you said yourself that they never did anything to hurt you and that they love you deeply, and if that's true, why is going fully no contact your first resort? the feelings you have about never being their daughter are valid but do not need to be spat out in anger during an argument. you truly have hurt their feelings deeply through no true fault of their own. even if you do not feel the same familial bond that they feel towards you, you can still acknowledge how bonded they are to you and be kind in your journey back into your biological parents' lives. let your adoptive family know how important it is for you to be connected to your bio family, but don't emphasize how little you care for them in the process.
by no means do you need to feel grateful for your adoption nor are you obligated to do anything for your adoptive family. i am so glad you've found your family, but please, be kind. if you'd like to discuss further with another transracial adoptee, please message me and good luck <3
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sounds odd that your biological parents knew where you were and say they love you, yet never tried to make contact. that suspiciousness aside, yta for wanting to cut contact with the people who raised you.
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yes, yta. honestly, if this isn’t a load of bullshit, you come across as terribly selfish and self-centered. have you bothered to ask your bio parents why they put you up for adoption? they obviously couldn’t be arsed to figure out a way to keep you. did your adoptive parents talk to you about why they closed the adoption? did your bio parents cause too much disruption trying to have their cake and eat it, too, not bearing the burden of raising a child but still wanting to play a major role in her life?
you say that your adoptive parents treated you well, but that you simply never bonded with them. why is that? they were there for your first steps, your first words, your first day of school, events your bio parents didn’t witness. your adoptive parents are the ones who fed you and reassured you when you had nightmares and nursed you back to health when you were sick, and the best you can say about them is that they were **ok** and felt like *strangers*?
your adoptive mom sounds like a piece of work, too. she did skin-to-skin contact with you after you were born, and then decided to give you away. i have to wonder if she wasn’t somehow compensated for giving you up. yet she was more than happy to resume a relationship with you after more than a decade, when she could give you a boo-hoo story about how she was wronged by doing what she had planned to do for her entire pregnancy. is your bio family paying for your college, or are you still relying on the generosity of people you can’t deign to consider family?
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nta. i’m really surprised by how many commenters think you owe everything to your adoptive parents. transracial adoption is a minefield on its own and if you add coercion that’s another level. i don’t know about your relationship with them but deciding you want to explore your bio family does not make you an ah.
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nta. this post should be taken to an adoption or adoptee forum. there is a lot of misguided commentary around the complexities of adoption.
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nta, transracial adoptions can be very fraught. the adoption industry can be very coercive to mothers who want to keep the baby. not all adoptive families bond, unfortunately. just like not all bio families maintain contact!
you’d probably be better off connecting with other adult transracial adoptees for support than asking here.
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honestly, this is above reddit's paygrade. people have a lot of serious feelings about adoption. you see a lot of 'kids don't owe their parents anything for raising them' on here, but it all seems to go out the window any time there's an adoption/fostering thread. my advice would be to talk about all this with a therapist, and also to wait before burning bridges. more things may come to light as more time passes.
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YTA
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YTA
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YTA
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ESH
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YTA
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YTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
| null | 0.477918
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Classify the interpersonal conflict and explain your choice. Your choices are limited to you're the a**hole (yta) when the writer is causing the conflict, not the a**hole (nta) when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict, no a**holes here (nah) when no one is causing the conflict, everyone sucks here (esh) when everyone is causing the conflict, more information needed (info) when a classification cannot be made with the context provided. Conflict context: so i (18f) am a transracial adoptee. i am half indian and half ashkenazi jewish while my adopters are white. my adopters were ok growing up. they never abused me but i never really bonded with them. it felt like being raised by strangers. when i was 15 i found bio mom on facebook and told her who i was. she messaged me back and said that she was so happy to hear from me and if i would be interested in having a skype call. well i found out that her and my bio dad are actually still together and married. so i was able to meet him. so we started making contact again and opened the adoption. i confided a lot in my bio parents about how alone i felt growing up. one day when i was talking with my mom i was feeling really emotional and i asked why she ever put me up for adoption in the first place and i told her how much it hurt to feel unwanted by her. she cried and told me she loved me. she told me how when she met my adoptive “parents” she was looking for an open adoption and my adopters agreed to it. when i was born my bio mom did skin to skin with me and knew that she wanted to keep me. but my adoptive “mom” convinced her to still place me. she told my bio mom said they would allow visitation and that she would still get to be in my life. my adopters closed the adoption after a year. i confronted my adoptive “parents” about it and they broke down crying they told me how much they loved me and how scared they were that they would lose me. it ended with them saying that they would let my parents visit and that we should get family therapy. however i still have no attachment to them. i honestly don’t think of them as my parents or my family. the only people who hold that title in my heart are my bio fam. well that was all 3 years ago and since then i go to college near where my bio parents and extended bio family live and i am living with my bio parents. i have also started referring to my bio parents as my mom and dad and calling my adoptive “parents” by their first names. this is a source of arguments between me and adoptive “parents” because to them there worst fear of losing me has come true. the latest argument is over the fact that i changed my name. my adoptive “parents” gave me a white name and used the traditional desi name my bio parents wanted to name me as a middle name. i changed my name so that my middle name became my first name, and my middle name is the name of my bio grandmother who i have also established a relationship with. i also changed my last name to be the same as bio dad’s. my “parents” threw a fit over it and at that moment i realized i get no happiness from being around my adopters and it only brings me stress. i am not their daughter and never was. so i told my adopters that i could not have contact with them any more and they lost it. now my entire adoptive “family” is messaging me on social media to tell me what an asshole i am. aita?
|
<s>[INST] <<SYS>>
Classify the interpersonal conflict and explain your choice. Your choices are limited to you're the a**hole (yta) when the writer is causing the conflict, not the a**hole (nta) when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict, no a**holes here (nah) when no one is causing the conflict, everyone sucks here (esh) when everyone is causing the conflict, more information needed (info) when a classification cannot be made with the context provided.
<</SYS>>
so i (18f) am a transracial adoptee. i am half indian and half ashkenazi jewish while my adopters are white. my adopters were ok growing up. they never abused me but i never really bonded with them. it felt like being raised by strangers. when i was 15 i found bio mom on facebook and told her who i was. she messaged me back and said that she was so happy to hear from me and if i would be interested in having a skype call. well i found out that her and my bio dad are actually still together and married. so i was able to meet him. so we started making contact again and opened the adoption. i confided a lot in my bio parents about how alone i felt growing up. one day when i was talking with my mom i was feeling really emotional and i asked why she ever put me up for adoption in the first place and i told her how much it hurt to feel unwanted by her. she cried and told me she loved me. she told me how when she met my adoptive “parents” she was looking for an open adoption and my adopters agreed to it. when i was born my bio mom did skin to skin with me and knew that she wanted to keep me. but my adoptive “mom” convinced her to still place me. she told my bio mom said they would allow visitation and that she would still get to be in my life. my adopters closed the adoption after a year. i confronted my adoptive “parents” about it and they broke down crying they told me how much they loved me and how scared they were that they would lose me. it ended with them saying that they would let my parents visit and that we should get family therapy. however i still have no attachment to them. i honestly don’t think of them as my parents or my family. the only people who hold that title in my heart are my bio fam. well that was all 3 years ago and since then i go to college near where my bio parents and extended bio family live and i am living with my bio parents. i have also started referring to my bio parents as my mom and dad and calling my adoptive “parents” by their first names. this is a source of arguments between me and adoptive “parents” because to them there worst fear of losing me has come true. the latest argument is over the fact that i changed my name. my adoptive “parents” gave me a white name and used the traditional desi name my bio parents wanted to name me as a middle name. i changed my name so that my middle name became my first name, and my middle name is the name of my bio grandmother who i have also established a relationship with. i also changed my last name to be the same as bio dad’s. my “parents” threw a fit over it and at that moment i realized i get no happiness from being around my adopters and it only brings me stress. i am not their daughter and never was. so i told my adopters that i could not have contact with them any more and they lost it. now my entire adoptive “family” is messaging me on social media to tell me what an asshole i am. aita? [/INST] yta. your adoptive parents raised and cared for you from the second you were born and your bio parents had nothing to do with you, until you were old enough to manipulate. your bio parents do not deserve to be called mom and dad and shame on you for not even giving the people who fed and clothed you throughout the years any credit at all. your bio parents aren’t perfect and you put them on some imaginary pedestal that will eventually believe it or not start to crumble. </s>
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AITA for saying my sister needs to stop bringing up her miscarriage for attention?
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okay this is a doozy, so please strap in and bear with me. for context here, my sister is 30, i am 22.
ten years ago, my sister had a miscarriage. obviously, it was devastating for her and the whole family and it took her a couple of years to fully heal from it. we're still not 100% sure why it happened, but it was a one off and she's since had three very healthy, beautiful children, including a set of twins.
so here's the thing. my sister and i don't really get on. she resented me as a kid because she had to share mum's attention and because she thought mum left her dad to be with mine. never really grew out of that resentment and she was pretty much my biggest bully throughout childhood and my teenage years. one thing she absolutely cannot stand is when mum and i do things without her, or when mum pays more attention to me than to her. when this happens she calls mum and says she's feeling really upset about the miscarriage and without fail mum goes running. this includes a trip to paris i took mum on for her birthday earlier this year, which she cut short because sister said she needed her. also includes when i had a manic episode so bad i was hospitalised and sister managed to need mum every time she was planning to visit me and so she never did. note, these times when mum is spending more time with me than her are the only times sister brings up what happened and certainly the only times she still gets so upset about it.
so recently i was sick. like, don't leave the bathroom for days, can only keep water down sick. didn't manage to get the doctor, but i think it was norovirus. it lasted about a week mum was popping in daily on her way home from work to check on me and stuff. on the last day of being seriously unwell, when i felt i could eat again, mum offered to make me some soup while she was there, which i accepted. she was halfway through making it when sister called her saying she was upset about the miscarriage and she told me i'd have to finish it myself because she had to go. i didn't say anything to mum and i finished making the soup, but i sent my sister a text saying she really needs to stop bringing it up for attention because she can't bear me getting some instead. i guess she told mum and her dad because i'm hearing from all sides what a horrible, insensitive, selfish bastard i am and how dare i say that to her. i understand she may still be traumatised, i just think it's really weird how that trauma solely manifests whenever i'm getting attention and she isn't. aita?
| 32,615
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https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/eejyso/aita_for_saying_my_sister_needs_to_stop_bringing/
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2019-12-23 12:22:44
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nta ten years? with other, healthy children? yeah that's some bs you're not in the wrong here.
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nta - oh my god. miscarriages are so common. while they are sad, she is totally just doing it for attention. im surprised your mom falls for it. but, since everyone falls for it, i guess there is nothing you can do. honestly, you should feel bad for your sister. she is so insecure in her relationship with your mom that she doesn’t think she is capable of getting her attention. she thinks she needs to talk about this to be noticed
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nta
it's been 10 years. she has children now. she needs to grow up and realize it's not all about her.
you should explain to your mom your side in full with examples of your sister pulling this. and your sister needs some serious therapy
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nta. your mother is ta. your sister keeps this jackass behavior up because it works. this one’s on your mom. i get that you don’t like your sister so it’s easier to be mad at her, but think about it. who bails on you when your sister snaps her fingers? mom. your beef is with mom. so while i don’t think saying that to your sister makes you ta, i do think you’re directing your energy in an unproductive direction. talk to the person whose behavior is actually upsetting you.
|
nta
miscarriages are common that doesn’t make it not sad but it’s definitely not something she can keep doing this shit with. tell her if it’s such a ptsd causing event that she should get therapy.
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nta: i have a similar type situation with my sister. cant talk to my mom on the phone w/out her coming in to listen or interjecting or mom having to go because she (or her two kids my parents are practically raising cause she wont) needs something. its gotten so bad i rarely call anymore and now mom wants to know why. im like cause you never have time for me. only for them. you can call when you are totally free. sounds like you are gonna have to set some clear boundaries with your family as well. so sorry you have to deal with this. hope you can figure out something to get some peace.
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nta but this is more on your mom for giving in.
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it’s possible that you have a skewed data set here, and that you only hear about your sister getting upset about her miscarriage when it impacts you. otherwise it wouldn’t be necessary for your mum to tell you each time your sister calls upset.
no ruling.. just saying this could be a possibility, in which case i can understand why your parents think you’re ta.
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nta. your mum needs to stop pandering to this nonsense, cutting a holiday short over something that happened ten years ago is ridiculous and she's enabling your sister's selfish behaviour.
|
esh, but i think your mom is the worst
you - even though from what you described you’re not being treated fairly, you didn’t have to accuse your sister of using the miscarriage for attention. it sounds like you two don’t talk very often so how would you know how often she talks about it? yeah, most people get over something like that within ten years, but it’s not your life event, and from what you’ve said you can’t say for sure she’s doing this consciously or maliciously.
your sister - mostly for the bullying, possibly for using the miscarriage for sympathy (need more information or a different perspective to say for sure - is she deliberately doing this or is she really not over it/have mental health issues?).
your mom - your mom is the biggest asshole here for taking your sisters needs over yours. with the circumstances you described you needed your mom more than your sister, but your mom took her side. in my eyes it doesn’t really matter what your sister gives as an excuse for why she needs your mom more, the real problem is your mom prioritizing your sister over you. the key to addressing this is talking with your mom.
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
|
NTA
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NTA
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NTA
| null |
NTA
|
ESH
| 0.013095
|
Classify the interpersonal conflict and explain your choice. Your choices are limited to you're the a**hole (yta) when the writer is causing the conflict, not the a**hole (nta) when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict, no a**holes here (nah) when no one is causing the conflict, everyone sucks here (esh) when everyone is causing the conflict, more information needed (info) when a classification cannot be made with the context provided. Conflict context: okay this is a doozy, so please strap in and bear with me. for context here, my sister is 30, i am 22. ten years ago, my sister had a miscarriage. obviously, it was devastating for her and the whole family and it took her a couple of years to fully heal from it. we're still not 100% sure why it happened, but it was a one off and she's since had three very healthy, beautiful children, including a set of twins. so here's the thing. my sister and i don't really get on. she resented me as a kid because she had to share mum's attention and because she thought mum left her dad to be with mine. never really grew out of that resentment and she was pretty much my biggest bully throughout childhood and my teenage years. one thing she absolutely cannot stand is when mum and i do things without her, or when mum pays more attention to me than to her. when this happens she calls mum and says she's feeling really upset about the miscarriage and without fail mum goes running. this includes a trip to paris i took mum on for her birthday earlier this year, which she cut short because sister said she needed her. also includes when i had a manic episode so bad i was hospitalised and sister managed to need mum every time she was planning to visit me and so she never did. note, these times when mum is spending more time with me than her are the only times sister brings up what happened and certainly the only times she still gets so upset about it. so recently i was sick. like, don't leave the bathroom for days, can only keep water down sick. didn't manage to get the doctor, but i think it was norovirus. it lasted about a week mum was popping in daily on her way home from work to check on me and stuff. on the last day of being seriously unwell, when i felt i could eat again, mum offered to make me some soup while she was there, which i accepted. she was halfway through making it when sister called her saying she was upset about the miscarriage and she told me i'd have to finish it myself because she had to go. i didn't say anything to mum and i finished making the soup, but i sent my sister a text saying she really needs to stop bringing it up for attention because she can't bear me getting some instead. i guess she told mum and her dad because i'm hearing from all sides what a horrible, insensitive, selfish bastard i am and how dare i say that to her. i understand she may still be traumatised, i just think it's really weird how that trauma solely manifests whenever i'm getting attention and she isn't. aita?
|
<s>[INST] <<SYS>>
Classify the interpersonal conflict and explain your choice. Your choices are limited to you're the a**hole (yta) when the writer is causing the conflict, not the a**hole (nta) when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict, no a**holes here (nah) when no one is causing the conflict, everyone sucks here (esh) when everyone is causing the conflict, more information needed (info) when a classification cannot be made with the context provided.
<</SYS>>
okay this is a doozy, so please strap in and bear with me. for context here, my sister is 30, i am 22. ten years ago, my sister had a miscarriage. obviously, it was devastating for her and the whole family and it took her a couple of years to fully heal from it. we're still not 100% sure why it happened, but it was a one off and she's since had three very healthy, beautiful children, including a set of twins. so here's the thing. my sister and i don't really get on. she resented me as a kid because she had to share mum's attention and because she thought mum left her dad to be with mine. never really grew out of that resentment and she was pretty much my biggest bully throughout childhood and my teenage years. one thing she absolutely cannot stand is when mum and i do things without her, or when mum pays more attention to me than to her. when this happens she calls mum and says she's feeling really upset about the miscarriage and without fail mum goes running. this includes a trip to paris i took mum on for her birthday earlier this year, which she cut short because sister said she needed her. also includes when i had a manic episode so bad i was hospitalised and sister managed to need mum every time she was planning to visit me and so she never did. note, these times when mum is spending more time with me than her are the only times sister brings up what happened and certainly the only times she still gets so upset about it. so recently i was sick. like, don't leave the bathroom for days, can only keep water down sick. didn't manage to get the doctor, but i think it was norovirus. it lasted about a week mum was popping in daily on her way home from work to check on me and stuff. on the last day of being seriously unwell, when i felt i could eat again, mum offered to make me some soup while she was there, which i accepted. she was halfway through making it when sister called her saying she was upset about the miscarriage and she told me i'd have to finish it myself because she had to go. i didn't say anything to mum and i finished making the soup, but i sent my sister a text saying she really needs to stop bringing it up for attention because she can't bear me getting some instead. i guess she told mum and her dad because i'm hearing from all sides what a horrible, insensitive, selfish bastard i am and how dare i say that to her. i understand she may still be traumatised, i just think it's really weird how that trauma solely manifests whenever i'm getting attention and she isn't. aita? [/INST] nta ten years? with other, healthy children? yeah that's some bs you're not in the wrong here. </s>
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AITA for exposing my parents' favoritism
|
my parents have always favored my younger brother. i was by no means unloved. but it was blatantly obvious who they cared about more. i worked a part time job to get my first car, but my brother got one as a present. it wasn't new, but was much newer than my car. it was the same with just about anything else, like clothes, video games and cell phones.
i'm 18 and am taking a gap year before community college to work a full time job and save money for tuition. but a while back i heard my parents talking about how much they were going to pay for my brother's tuition. i secretly recorded the conversation from around the corner and then came out asking my parents why they were gonna pay for my brother's college, but not mine. they didn't notice my phone was recording and just said that my brother needs more help. i asked how so when i wasn't getting any sort of scholarship, and he likely wouldn't either. then i asked a few more questions about why things have always been this way. they got mad and my father told me that perhaps it's time i moved out because they are sick of keeping a roof over my head. i pointed out i pay rent. but they didn't care.
i left the room and in a fit of rage uploaded the video to two different social medias i have and ranted about how this is how my parents have always been. well a few hours my parents were pounding at my door. my dad was screaming at me about how i made them look bad. we fought some more and they left the room fuming.
my grandparents contacted me later and said they were appalled, then came to visit with a lot of the family the next day. there was a huge family intervention and my parents were made to sit on the couch and look at their feet while being told off. it was then i found out they'd been receiving money for years from my grandparents to help with family expenses. my brother looked like he didn't know what to do. so he sided with the rest of the family and said he's noticed how i'm treated as well. my parents gave me a huge apology that sounded forced.
my grandparents have offered that i come live with them soon and will cut off the monthly payments to my parents, my father told me i should have never told the rest of the family and now won't talk to me, and my mother has been crying for days. so i'm starting to wonder if i went to far.
so aita for exposing my parents favoritism?
| 26,469
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https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/qhedvt/aita_for_exposing_my_parents_favoritism/
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2021-10-28 03:57:39
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nta. your parents are just pissed because people know the truth about them and they’re no longer going to be receiving handouts from your grandparents. that’s what they’re really upset about: losing the free money.
go live with your grandparents. they sound awesome with how quickly they backed you.
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nta all the way!!!
as someone who was cast aside because my parents favored my younger sibling over my brother and i, i applaud you loud and clear! go live with your grandparents if that's what you want or go stay with friends. i have a feeling you're going to be just fine and excel at whatever career you choose!
you didn't "go too far." you conquered!!!
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nta
go live with your grandparents, save your money and get your education.
you didn't cause this - they did.
good luck and hugs
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>now i feel like if i move in with my grandparents i may just be running away.
running away from what, exactly? your parents are extracting rent from you instead of helping you with college fees.
your grandparents are family too, and clearly care for you, which is more than you can say for your parents.
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nta, they were given monthly payments for family expenses not their favorite child expenses. plus if they didn't do anything wrong, they wouldn't be upset about you telling the rest of the family nor would there be an intervention. favouritism is horrible and causes a lot of damage. i mean you are getting kicked for asking why your little brother was getting help and you weren't. i hope you take your grandparent's offer to move out and save money to pay tuition fees. oh, and don't feel guilty about anything. your parents made this bed and they have to lay in it not you.
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nta don’t feel bad for those crocodile tears. they are not sad that they treated you poorly and favored one kid over the other, they are sad that they are being cut off from further financial help and that their shitty actions were exposed.
they made their bed and now they can lay in it.
go live with your grandparents, save your money and get your education.
i’m glad you have family members that will care for you the way your parents should have been caring for you but chose not to.
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imo nta, and hearing that your grandparents sent your parents money makes it even more so. they deserved to know that their money wasn’t being used properly and for what they intended/how they intended. you are nta because your parents are upset they have to face a consequence.
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>there was a huge family intervention and my parents were made to sit on the couch and look at their feet while being told off. it was then i found out they'd been receiving money for years from my grandparents to help with family expenses.
ooooooooo...that's a parents worst nightmare. total respect of authority shattered. they treated you like a burden and then you find out none of them are even remotely financially stable and are living beyond their means by doting on your younger brother.
>my father told me i should have never told the rest of the family and now won't talk to me, and my mother has been crying for days
petty of him, and pathetic of her, but not reason enough to make you the asshole. your parents were effectively leeching off their greater family and throwing money they didn't actually have at your brother just to coddle him. more than that they were mistreating you. they don't get to cry and complain about shattered respect or reputation when they obtained it through a false front.
you're nta from my perspective. parents should not expect you to perform loyalty of silence out of some form of respect towards them when they don't respect you. a parent literally calling you a burden to your face is some seriously horrible mistreatment.
|
you’re 18 & you pay rent? & when you confronted them about paying for your brother’s education but not yours, they just said “ah well maybe you should move out then, we don’t want you here anymore”???
nta. i’m glad the rest of the family banded together (so quickly too!) to check your parents’ behavior. how they’re treating you is not okay. it’s disgusting. your parents are just upset because they got caught & are blaming you because they’re in denial about what they’ve done wrong.
put some distance between you & your parents. take your grandparents up on their offer. depending on your relationship with your brother, i would have a serious conversation with him about all of this. he’s likely to feel some after-effects from the parents, & if your relationship with him is important, it’ll be good having laid everything out in the open so he’ll continue to have your back & avoid resenting you.
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>they got mad and my father told me that perhaps it's time i moved out because they are sick of keeping a roof over my head. i pointed out i pay rent. but they didn't care.
op, maybe you should have a talk with your grandparents on what happened during your birth. about why your dad is this hostile to you. is there something that happened at your birth that made him feel this way? no matter what, it's never your fault though. your parents esp dad are just sus. nta btw
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
| null |
NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
| 0
|
Classify the interpersonal conflict and explain your choice. Your choices are limited to you're the a**hole (yta) when the writer is causing the conflict, not the a**hole (nta) when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict, no a**holes here (nah) when no one is causing the conflict, everyone sucks here (esh) when everyone is causing the conflict, more information needed (info) when a classification cannot be made with the context provided. Conflict context: my parents have always favored my younger brother. i was by no means unloved. but it was blatantly obvious who they cared about more. i worked a part time job to get my first car, but my brother got one as a present. it wasn't new, but was much newer than my car. it was the same with just about anything else, like clothes, video games and cell phones. i'm 18 and am taking a gap year before community college to work a full time job and save money for tuition. but a while back i heard my parents talking about how much they were going to pay for my brother's tuition. i secretly recorded the conversation from around the corner and then came out asking my parents why they were gonna pay for my brother's college, but not mine. they didn't notice my phone was recording and just said that my brother needs more help. i asked how so when i wasn't getting any sort of scholarship, and he likely wouldn't either. then i asked a few more questions about why things have always been this way. they got mad and my father told me that perhaps it's time i moved out because they are sick of keeping a roof over my head. i pointed out i pay rent. but they didn't care. i left the room and in a fit of rage uploaded the video to two different social medias i have and ranted about how this is how my parents have always been. well a few hours my parents were pounding at my door. my dad was screaming at me about how i made them look bad. we fought some more and they left the room fuming. my grandparents contacted me later and said they were appalled, then came to visit with a lot of the family the next day. there was a huge family intervention and my parents were made to sit on the couch and look at their feet while being told off. it was then i found out they'd been receiving money for years from my grandparents to help with family expenses. my brother looked like he didn't know what to do. so he sided with the rest of the family and said he's noticed how i'm treated as well. my parents gave me a huge apology that sounded forced. my grandparents have offered that i come live with them soon and will cut off the monthly payments to my parents, my father told me i should have never told the rest of the family and now won't talk to me, and my mother has been crying for days. so i'm starting to wonder if i went to far. so aita for exposing my parents favoritism?
|
<s>[INST] <<SYS>>
Classify the interpersonal conflict and explain your choice. Your choices are limited to you're the a**hole (yta) when the writer is causing the conflict, not the a**hole (nta) when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict, no a**holes here (nah) when no one is causing the conflict, everyone sucks here (esh) when everyone is causing the conflict, more information needed (info) when a classification cannot be made with the context provided.
<</SYS>>
my parents have always favored my younger brother. i was by no means unloved. but it was blatantly obvious who they cared about more. i worked a part time job to get my first car, but my brother got one as a present. it wasn't new, but was much newer than my car. it was the same with just about anything else, like clothes, video games and cell phones. i'm 18 and am taking a gap year before community college to work a full time job and save money for tuition. but a while back i heard my parents talking about how much they were going to pay for my brother's tuition. i secretly recorded the conversation from around the corner and then came out asking my parents why they were gonna pay for my brother's college, but not mine. they didn't notice my phone was recording and just said that my brother needs more help. i asked how so when i wasn't getting any sort of scholarship, and he likely wouldn't either. then i asked a few more questions about why things have always been this way. they got mad and my father told me that perhaps it's time i moved out because they are sick of keeping a roof over my head. i pointed out i pay rent. but they didn't care. i left the room and in a fit of rage uploaded the video to two different social medias i have and ranted about how this is how my parents have always been. well a few hours my parents were pounding at my door. my dad was screaming at me about how i made them look bad. we fought some more and they left the room fuming. my grandparents contacted me later and said they were appalled, then came to visit with a lot of the family the next day. there was a huge family intervention and my parents were made to sit on the couch and look at their feet while being told off. it was then i found out they'd been receiving money for years from my grandparents to help with family expenses. my brother looked like he didn't know what to do. so he sided with the rest of the family and said he's noticed how i'm treated as well. my parents gave me a huge apology that sounded forced. my grandparents have offered that i come live with them soon and will cut off the monthly payments to my parents, my father told me i should have never told the rest of the family and now won't talk to me, and my mother has been crying for days. so i'm starting to wonder if i went to far. so aita for exposing my parents favoritism? [/INST] nta. your parents are just pissed because people know the truth about them and they’re no longer going to be receiving handouts from your grandparents. that’s what they’re really upset about: losing the free money. go live with your grandparents. they sound awesome with how quickly they backed you. </s>
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AITA for not letting my son come on a mother-daughter day out?
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me (40f) and my daughters (16 and 14) have gone on a day out once a month since the older one was 5. we usually leave at 9:00 am to go to breakfast, then we go to the mall and shop, then lunch, pedicures, and a movie.
now the issue is that my son (10) has started to want to go with us, i would let him, except this is for mom-daughter bonding thing, not a family bonding. besides he would just be dragged around all day to where we want to go.
so when i told my son that he couldn't come with us this sunday, he got very mad and frustrated and said it's not fair how i treat them differently, but i dont see how i do.
so aita for not letting him come?
| 649
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/e3nx9e/aita_for_not_letting_my_son_come_on_a/
|
2019-11-30 00:34:53
|
info
what do you do for mom-son day each month?
that's what determines whether you are the asshole or not, here. since you haven't mentioned anything, my gut instinct is that there is not a *separate but equal* arrangement in place.
|
so you bring your daughters to breakfast, shopping, to lunch, a movie, and mani pedis, but your son gets lunch and a movie? that is shitty. yta. maybe he wants to go shopping, too. maybe he wants to get a mani/pedi. also, it probably sucks seeing his siblings come home with shopping bags full of new stuff. i'd feel left out, too.
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yta
“he’ll just be dragged around...”
sounds like you don’t want to spend time with your son.
there will be a time where he won’t want to spend time with you. remember that.
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nta from what you told us.
is there a mother son bonding day? or a father son bonding day? sounds a little like he is being excluded from specifically fun events.
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yta unless you also have a special day sat aside for him once a month if you don't then he is right you do not treat them equally or fairly. and clearly favor your daughters
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yta.
a few days ago we had the same situation from a father's perspective. he wanted to do a weekend trip just for him and his sons, excluding the only daughter in the family. she was pissed for being left out and being treated like the "outsider" in the family. i voted that he was the a for not understanding why she was entitled to be upset.
bring him with you. chances are he's going to be miserable and will never beg to come again. alternatively, you can do a mother-son day out and seek his input on what he thinks such an outing would entail.
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info - do you have mother-son outing without your daughters. if yes, you're not asshole. if no, you're definitely the asshole and son realizes you're playing favorites, thus it hurts him that you do that to him.
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yta
i don’t even think having a day with him alone would even mitigate it since it’s also about sibling bonding. the two sisters get that time. he doesn’t.
your son is telling you he feels left out and you are ignoring it.
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yta- you don't see how you treat him differently, but you are literally just treating him differently than his sisters. and you're not even going on a mother-son bonding day with him, so i'm sure he feels like you care about him less.
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info: do you afford other opportunities for bonding for your son?
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INFO
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YTA
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YTA
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NTA
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YTA
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YTA
|
INFO
|
YTA
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YTA
|
INFO
| 0.167705
|
Classify the interpersonal conflict and explain your choice. Your choices are limited to you're the a**hole (yta) when the writer is causing the conflict, not the a**hole (nta) when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict, no a**holes here (nah) when no one is causing the conflict, everyone sucks here (esh) when everyone is causing the conflict, more information needed (info) when a classification cannot be made with the context provided. Conflict context: me (40f) and my daughters (16 and 14) have gone on a day out once a month since the older one was 5. we usually leave at 9:00 am to go to breakfast, then we go to the mall and shop, then lunch, pedicures, and a movie. now the issue is that my son (10) has started to want to go with us, i would let him, except this is for mom-daughter bonding thing, not a family bonding. besides he would just be dragged around all day to where we want to go. so when i told my son that he couldn't come with us this sunday, he got very mad and frustrated and said it's not fair how i treat them differently, but i dont see how i do. so aita for not letting him come?
|
<s>[INST] <<SYS>>
Classify the interpersonal conflict and explain your choice. Your choices are limited to you're the a**hole (yta) when the writer is causing the conflict, not the a**hole (nta) when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict, no a**holes here (nah) when no one is causing the conflict, everyone sucks here (esh) when everyone is causing the conflict, more information needed (info) when a classification cannot be made with the context provided.
<</SYS>>
me (40f) and my daughters (16 and 14) have gone on a day out once a month since the older one was 5. we usually leave at 9:00 am to go to breakfast, then we go to the mall and shop, then lunch, pedicures, and a movie. now the issue is that my son (10) has started to want to go with us, i would let him, except this is for mom-daughter bonding thing, not a family bonding. besides he would just be dragged around all day to where we want to go. so when i told my son that he couldn't come with us this sunday, he got very mad and frustrated and said it's not fair how i treat them differently, but i dont see how i do. so aita for not letting him come? [/INST] info what do you do for mom-son day each month? that's what determines whether you are the asshole or not, here. since you haven't mentioned anything, my gut instinct is that there is not a *separate but equal* arrangement in place. </s>
|
AITA For requiring that kids be dressed EMO AF at my wedding?
|
me (31m) and my husband (27m) recently decided that we wanted to get married. it has been delayed multiple times due to covid and my family is completely unsupportive and cut off (his family isn't super happy about the queer stuff, but they're at least civil) so we wanted to have the wedding and reception that we wanted to have.
b, my husband, is hella into emo music and has been ever since he was young. paramore, a day to remember, etc. this dude lives and breathes the stuff. so we had a distinctively emo/90s/00s goth aesthetic for the wedding. he wore a suit that was all black with red accents. i wore the jacket from mcr's black parade. it was great.
we decided we wanted to have an open bar at the wedding. we wanted to have a lot of queer friends come and feel free to express themselves however they saw fit. for this reason, we didn't want kids at the wedding, but understood that it's a tall ask depending on the family situations, so on our save the dates we put "children are allowed, but must be dressed emo af (not a joke)!"
we figured, the kids would look badass and if they got upset or threw a tantrum during the wedding/reception, at least they would fit the emo aesthetic.
day of the wedding, b's aunt arrives with her kids dressed in bright easter pastel suits. the relationship they have is already tenuous and when confronted about the dress code, b's aunt said, " already had to come to this gay wedding; i wasn't going to make my kids wear devil clothes too!" which, for obvious reasons, did not go down well.
we refused to let her in and had security escort her out of the venue as she threw a tantrum the whole way to her vehicle. now, we're getting calls and texts from other members of b's family saying that we were awful and rude for how we treated her and her kids. that they should've been let in anyways, etc. it wasn't a destination wedding for anyone, but they still mention time spent driving, getting ready, etc.
both b & i held firm that this was going to be experience we wanted and the rest of the wedding went off without a hitch.
aita?
\*edit\*: to be clear, the dress code for the wedding was emo/90s/00s goth as well. wasn't just for the kids.
\*edit2\*: in regards to the availability of pastel clothing, anyone near the bible belt can tell you that easter sunday is a sea of pastel clothing for all ages.
| 1,851
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https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/ob1jh4/aita_for_requiring_that_kids_be_dressed_emo_af_at/
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2021-06-30 17:01:12
|
esh
i think you were groomzillas for expecting a dress code that people may or may not be able to afford.
however, his aunt was the much bigger asshole for what she said.
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nta
it's not even about the aunt not following the dresscode, it's about how she had reacted.
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nta. this one is getting mixed responses and i was on the fence here. enforcing a dress code for kids at a wedding seems really petty, **but**
1) they brought kids when they knew you didn't really want them
2) they actually went out of their way to do the exact opposite of what you asked
3) their reason was homophobia and some "devil clothes" nonsense
so that's three strikes imo. i would have said yta if they were otherwise nice people, but they were actually trying to piss in your cheerios with this. going forward i'd just not invite people like that to anything, family or not.
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esh personally, i think anyone who imposes a super strict “wedding dress code” is an ah. if the appearance of your guests will determine whether your day is ruined or not, you need to re-examine your priorities before getting married.
|
esh
either allow kids to come to the wedding, or make it child free.
>we figured, the kids would look badass and if they got upset or threw a tantrum
you and your husband are the assholes for treating children like a photo opportunity. if there isn't a dress code for everyone else, there shouldn't be a dress code for kids, regardless of the theme. b's aunt is an asshole for her behavior *after* being confronted, but she is not an asshole for dressing her kids in pastels
edit
after some clarification in the comments, i realized that the dress code was for everyone, and not just singling out children. i left my original judgement above, but after the clarification i think op is nta
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nta. your wedding, your rules. and the fact that she called it a "gay" wedding and the attire "devil clothes" shows she had zero business being there to begin with.
|
esh
the aunt for the obvious homophobia.
and the op for the ridiculous requirement. some people with their wedding bullshit are really just too much.
|
info: " we wanted to have a lot of queer friends come and feel free to express themselves however they saw fit. for this reason, we didn't want kids at the wedding," i'm queer as fuck , as well as child free, but i'm still going to need you to explain the correlation here. i'm genuinely curious to know all the details of the gay stuff i can apparently do at other peoples private events, but not in front of children.
also was this the requirements for all the guests or only the children?
why did you invite children if you wanted a child free wedding?
did you really use "allowed" and "af" on your invitations?
|
nta. i do think that it's a lot to demand children be dressed as certain way. but i'd be okay with toddlers not dressed up but that's me.
regardless b's aunt was extremely rude to you at your wedding. kids dress code or not what you she said was over the line. there is no excuse for what she said so she should have been booted no matter what.
good for you for standing up for yourselves!
|
nta
for kicking her out due to her comments.
yta
for demanding that children (not part of the bridal party) match your aesthetic.
either go kid free and deal with any blow back, or invite the children and treat them with the same respect you show your other guests, don't have them dress up to your taste.
nb: this isn't an anti emo thing, i'd be saying the same for all 'themed' clothing outside the bridal party- especially for children alone.
|
ESH
|
NTA
|
NTA
|
ESH
|
ESH
|
NTA
|
ESH
|
INFO
|
NTA
|
NTA
| 0.34993
|
Classify the interpersonal conflict and explain your choice. Your choices are limited to you're the a**hole (yta) when the writer is causing the conflict, not the a**hole (nta) when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict, no a**holes here (nah) when no one is causing the conflict, everyone sucks here (esh) when everyone is causing the conflict, more information needed (info) when a classification cannot be made with the context provided. Conflict context: me (31m) and my husband (27m) recently decided that we wanted to get married. it has been delayed multiple times due to covid and my family is completely unsupportive and cut off (his family isn't super happy about the queer stuff, but they're at least civil) so we wanted to have the wedding and reception that we wanted to have. b, my husband, is hella into emo music and has been ever since he was young. paramore, a day to remember, etc. this dude lives and breathes the stuff. so we had a distinctively emo/90s/00s goth aesthetic for the wedding. he wore a suit that was all black with red accents. i wore the jacket from mcr's black parade. it was great. we decided we wanted to have an open bar at the wedding. we wanted to have a lot of queer friends come and feel free to express themselves however they saw fit. for this reason, we didn't want kids at the wedding, but understood that it's a tall ask depending on the family situations, so on our save the dates we put "children are allowed, but must be dressed emo af (not a joke)!" we figured, the kids would look badass and if they got upset or threw a tantrum during the wedding/reception, at least they would fit the emo aesthetic. day of the wedding, b's aunt arrives with her kids dressed in bright easter pastel suits. the relationship they have is already tenuous and when confronted about the dress code, b's aunt said, " already had to come to this gay wedding; i wasn't going to make my kids wear devil clothes too!" which, for obvious reasons, did not go down well. we refused to let her in and had security escort her out of the venue as she threw a tantrum the whole way to her vehicle. now, we're getting calls and texts from other members of b's family saying that we were awful and rude for how we treated her and her kids. that they should've been let in anyways, etc. it wasn't a destination wedding for anyone, but they still mention time spent driving, getting ready, etc. both b & i held firm that this was going to be experience we wanted and the rest of the wedding went off without a hitch. aita? \*edit\*: to be clear, the dress code for the wedding was emo/90s/00s goth as well. wasn't just for the kids. \*edit2\*: in regards to the availability of pastel clothing, anyone near the bible belt can tell you that easter sunday is a sea of pastel clothing for all ages.
|
<s>[INST] <<SYS>>
Classify the interpersonal conflict and explain your choice. Your choices are limited to you're the a**hole (yta) when the writer is causing the conflict, not the a**hole (nta) when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict, no a**holes here (nah) when no one is causing the conflict, everyone sucks here (esh) when everyone is causing the conflict, more information needed (info) when a classification cannot be made with the context provided.
<</SYS>>
me (31m) and my husband (27m) recently decided that we wanted to get married. it has been delayed multiple times due to covid and my family is completely unsupportive and cut off (his family isn't super happy about the queer stuff, but they're at least civil) so we wanted to have the wedding and reception that we wanted to have. b, my husband, is hella into emo music and has been ever since he was young. paramore, a day to remember, etc. this dude lives and breathes the stuff. so we had a distinctively emo/90s/00s goth aesthetic for the wedding. he wore a suit that was all black with red accents. i wore the jacket from mcr's black parade. it was great. we decided we wanted to have an open bar at the wedding. we wanted to have a lot of queer friends come and feel free to express themselves however they saw fit. for this reason, we didn't want kids at the wedding, but understood that it's a tall ask depending on the family situations, so on our save the dates we put "children are allowed, but must be dressed emo af (not a joke)!" we figured, the kids would look badass and if they got upset or threw a tantrum during the wedding/reception, at least they would fit the emo aesthetic. day of the wedding, b's aunt arrives with her kids dressed in bright easter pastel suits. the relationship they have is already tenuous and when confronted about the dress code, b's aunt said, " already had to come to this gay wedding; i wasn't going to make my kids wear devil clothes too!" which, for obvious reasons, did not go down well. we refused to let her in and had security escort her out of the venue as she threw a tantrum the whole way to her vehicle. now, we're getting calls and texts from other members of b's family saying that we were awful and rude for how we treated her and her kids. that they should've been let in anyways, etc. it wasn't a destination wedding for anyone, but they still mention time spent driving, getting ready, etc. both b & i held firm that this was going to be experience we wanted and the rest of the wedding went off without a hitch. aita? \*edit\*: to be clear, the dress code for the wedding was emo/90s/00s goth as well. wasn't just for the kids. \*edit2\*: in regards to the availability of pastel clothing, anyone near the bible belt can tell you that easter sunday is a sea of pastel clothing for all ages. [/INST] esh i think you were groomzillas for expecting a dress code that people may or may not be able to afford. however, his aunt was the much bigger asshole for what she said. </s>
|
AITA for still having my 10( almost 11) year old daughter in a booster seat?
|
i (31 f) and my husband (33 m) have two wonderful kids, a son (14 m) and a daughter (10f, 11 in march).
i am a firm believer in car seat safety and doing what is best to keep my kids safe. my daughter still rides in a high back booster seat, she is 4,3 63 lbs and 10 years old. she has recently started expressing disapproval of it.
a couple weeks ago we were on our way to school and i noticed she had climbed out of her booster seat. i told her to get back in it and she said she was never sitting in it again. i told her that she needed to sit in it because she was too short to ride safely with just the seatbelt. she got upset and started yelling at me saying i'm " being a jerk" and " treating her like a baby" that she is " too old for a stupid booster seat".
after a minute my husband came out and asked what was going on, she told him i was being a jerk and treating her like a baby. he told her not to talk to me that way and that she needed to sit in her booster seat to keep her safe. i then got out of the car and told her that we weren't going anywhere untill she was in her booster seat, and if she made us late by refusing she would deal with the consequences, and that if she continued to refuse and make us late for school or any other event she would be grounded.
after that she got back into the booster seat and buckled up.
since then she hasn't refused again but still complains sometimes.
her brother told me i was being an ah for treating her like a baby and that i should just let her ride with just the seatbelt.
my husband says i'm doing the right thing keeping her safe but im still not sure. i mean i'm just trying to keep her safe and she ever complained about her booster seat before. but on the other hand none of her friends still use booster seats and she is getting to that age where peer pressure is a very tough thing.
so aita?
| 8,627
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/zuf14r/aita_for_still_having_my_10_almost_11_year_old/
|
2022-12-24 17:59:47
|
info: do her height and weight require her to use a booster seat in your state? as far as i know the standard is 40 pounds and 40 inches.
if she isn’t legally required to be in a booster, then y.t.a
|
yta, there’s safety, and then there’s suffocating, unnecessary safety. this falls firmly into the latter. she’s almost a teenager and you’re treating her like a toddler. not to mention if anyone at her school sees this she’d get bullied so bad.
|
yta for keeping your daughter in a high back booster. there are boosters with no backs that work in this situation.
|
the amount of uneducated (on car seat safety) people on this post who think that just because something is ‘legal’ means it’s totally safe is ridiculous.
|
yta. it’s not even for your choice in using a booster. but you’re definitely the ah in how you’ve handled your daughter’s feelings on the issue. she’s 10 not 2. you don’t just strap her in when she’s clearly not understanding it, feeling embarrassed and hating it. talk to your child like she is a person and discuss your reasons on why she is in that seat and ask her what to you guys can do in the meantime (until she can safely just use a seat belt) to make her feel less embarrassed. figure out a compromise. she will be 18 in 8 years and if you think she will forget how you invalidate her feelings, you’re kidding yourself. instead of wasting time garnering internet points because you feel guilty, maybe just go talk to your kid. she’s the only one that can take the guilt away because she’s the one who’s feelings you’re invalidating.
|
yta - it is excessive and not actually safer to have such a requirement of a 10 year old. in most regions that require a booster seat the standard is or not and meaning once the child reaches any one of the height, weight, or age requirements a booster seat is no longer necessary and not actually safer.
see nanny state california's law for example: children who are 8 years of age or have reached 4’9” in height may be secured by a booster seat, but at a minimum must be secured by a safety belt. (california vehicle code section 27363.)
|
"children must normally use a child car seat until they're 12 years old or 135 centimetres tall, whichever comes first. children over 12 or more than 135cm tall must wear a seat belt. you can choose a child car seat based on your child's height or weight."
that's the law in the uk.
nta.
|
nta - technically.
i don't buy the argument that if it's legal in your state you should ditch the seat- that's a bare minimum and car crashes are a leading cause of death in kids (used to be the leading cause- now its guns. good job america.)
however she is unhappy about it- i would sit down with her and explain your reasons, show her the safety data. she isn't a baby, she can be reasoned with. maybe compromise to a backless one.
my 10 year old is a peanut- he's the littlest in his grade. he's still in a backless booster. he has asked if he can get rid of the booster- we had a talk and compromised to letting his get rid of it next summer before middle school. he may not be tall enough yet, but he will be close and it seems fair - he doesn't want to climb out of a booster and go to homeroom and i don't blame him. 🤷♀️
as a parent you get to have your big black lines that aren't crossed. we have some too- you just need to decide how hard you are willing to go to the mat on this one and communicate why to her when you both aren't pissed at each other.
|
my son turns 10 in a week, he's very close to the same height/weight (slightly taller, and slightly lighter, but close).
he is still in a half booster. he doesn't argue, and knows its safer.
i have a 7 seater car - he is allowed to sit in the 'back row' with no booster - as the seat depth is shorter, and his legs are sitting at right angles. the seat belt also sits in the correct position on his body in this row. for any other seat in the car he uses a half booster, and understands why.
maybe try a half booster - so its not so obvious to your daughters friends she is using it?
totally n t a safety first
edit. change to yta, as op is firm on a fully backed booster and uncompromising. a backless (or half) is sufficient protection for a child of 10. and better than no car seat at all.
|
yta. that is excessive. there’s absolutely no need to continue to infantilize your daughter. a booster seat would be slightly less ridiculous, but a high back car seat? that’s so unnecessary.
|
INFO
|
YTA
|
YTA
| null |
YTA
|
YTA
|
NTA
|
NTA
|
NTA
|
YTA
| 0.554272
|
Classify the interpersonal conflict and explain your choice. Your choices are limited to you're the a**hole (yta) when the writer is causing the conflict, not the a**hole (nta) when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict, no a**holes here (nah) when no one is causing the conflict, everyone sucks here (esh) when everyone is causing the conflict, more information needed (info) when a classification cannot be made with the context provided. Conflict context: i (31 f) and my husband (33 m) have two wonderful kids, a son (14 m) and a daughter (10f, 11 in march). i am a firm believer in car seat safety and doing what is best to keep my kids safe. my daughter still rides in a high back booster seat, she is 4,3 63 lbs and 10 years old. she has recently started expressing disapproval of it. a couple weeks ago we were on our way to school and i noticed she had climbed out of her booster seat. i told her to get back in it and she said she was never sitting in it again. i told her that she needed to sit in it because she was too short to ride safely with just the seatbelt. she got upset and started yelling at me saying i'm " being a jerk" and " treating her like a baby" that she is " too old for a stupid booster seat". after a minute my husband came out and asked what was going on, she told him i was being a jerk and treating her like a baby. he told her not to talk to me that way and that she needed to sit in her booster seat to keep her safe. i then got out of the car and told her that we weren't going anywhere untill she was in her booster seat, and if she made us late by refusing she would deal with the consequences, and that if she continued to refuse and make us late for school or any other event she would be grounded. after that she got back into the booster seat and buckled up. since then she hasn't refused again but still complains sometimes. her brother told me i was being an ah for treating her like a baby and that i should just let her ride with just the seatbelt. my husband says i'm doing the right thing keeping her safe but im still not sure. i mean i'm just trying to keep her safe and she ever complained about her booster seat before. but on the other hand none of her friends still use booster seats and she is getting to that age where peer pressure is a very tough thing. so aita?
|
<s>[INST] <<SYS>>
Classify the interpersonal conflict and explain your choice. Your choices are limited to you're the a**hole (yta) when the writer is causing the conflict, not the a**hole (nta) when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict, no a**holes here (nah) when no one is causing the conflict, everyone sucks here (esh) when everyone is causing the conflict, more information needed (info) when a classification cannot be made with the context provided.
<</SYS>>
i (31 f) and my husband (33 m) have two wonderful kids, a son (14 m) and a daughter (10f, 11 in march). i am a firm believer in car seat safety and doing what is best to keep my kids safe. my daughter still rides in a high back booster seat, she is 4,3 63 lbs and 10 years old. she has recently started expressing disapproval of it. a couple weeks ago we were on our way to school and i noticed she had climbed out of her booster seat. i told her to get back in it and she said she was never sitting in it again. i told her that she needed to sit in it because she was too short to ride safely with just the seatbelt. she got upset and started yelling at me saying i'm " being a jerk" and " treating her like a baby" that she is " too old for a stupid booster seat". after a minute my husband came out and asked what was going on, she told him i was being a jerk and treating her like a baby. he told her not to talk to me that way and that she needed to sit in her booster seat to keep her safe. i then got out of the car and told her that we weren't going anywhere untill she was in her booster seat, and if she made us late by refusing she would deal with the consequences, and that if she continued to refuse and make us late for school or any other event she would be grounded. after that she got back into the booster seat and buckled up. since then she hasn't refused again but still complains sometimes. her brother told me i was being an ah for treating her like a baby and that i should just let her ride with just the seatbelt. my husband says i'm doing the right thing keeping her safe but im still not sure. i mean i'm just trying to keep her safe and she ever complained about her booster seat before. but on the other hand none of her friends still use booster seats and she is getting to that age where peer pressure is a very tough thing. so aita? [/INST] info: do her height and weight require her to use a booster seat in your state? as far as i know the standard is 40 pounds and 40 inches. if she isn’t legally required to be in a booster, then y.t.a </s>
|
AITA for saying I won’t come to Christmas at my in-laws if I can’t wear a hat?
|
this is a petty little thing but maybe you guys can help me know if i was in the wrong?
for context, i (25f) got married in november. my mil doesn't really like me, even trying to steal the spotlight at my wedding, but is still overly traditional. at thanksgiving, i was having a really bad hair day so i wore a black leather cap (a dressier newsboy-style one), which my husband said looked great on me. the holiday was hostile, even more so than prior gatherings i'd been to, and hubby said mil said it was because i wore a hat, but i know it was just an excuse. i told mil i wouldn't come to christmas with them, then blocked her number and facebook.
my husband is trying to keep us both happy since he doesn't like conflict. he wants me to come to one more celebration to see if maybe people are getting used to me. he’s told mil she needs to be nice and treat me as part of the family since i am and that if i feel unwelcome at christmas like i did at thanksgiving, that we won’t attend future events and she see him much anymore. i understand why he wants me to give her one final chance and haven’t had any conflict with him. marriage is about compromise and i get that he doesn’t want to cut her off since she’s his mother, but i just don’t want to be involved with her unless i have to be.
i wanted to see if mil was listening to him so i asked my husband to request that i be allowed to wear the same hat to christmas. hubby said he thought i’d worn it since i had a bad hair day, but this time it’s as a statement that they shouldn’t treat me as an outsider, either because i wear hats all the time (right now it’s just a sports visor, which i’d never wear to a holiday, so it’s not like i’m doing that) or they just don’t like me. if they won’t let me wear a hat, what else are they going to restrict about me? let me be me or i won’t come. period.
my husband agreed and relayed this to mil and she’s been asking him why he married the devil. he’s growing tense with me and i told him he’ll probably have to pick a side sooner or later and that i never intended it that way. he spent last night at a friend’s house because he needed to think. i feel bad because i care about him and know conflict stresses him out. i told him to text me when he was ready to talk. he hasn't yet.
my friends think that my hat request was unnecessary, and maybe i strained my relationship with my husband. i think he just needed space to think because conflict stresses him out, so i gotta ask: aita for saying i won't come if i don't wear a hat?
| 13,798
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/znl39u/aita_for_saying_i_wont_come_to_christmas_at_my/
|
2022-12-16 18:11:08
|
esh - you took a situation that could have been a first step toward a less contentious relationship with your mil and made demands which intentionally antagonized her.
of course you should be able to wear whatever you want and your mil is being insane in this situation, but do you want to be "right", or do you want peace in your family?
|
yta
you’re literally trying to bait mil. it’s like you want a reaction from her.
it’s generally considered rude to be wearing a hat indoors/while dining.
and “bad hair day”? it’s a family get together. seems pretty immature to even be thinking about that. i’d expect it from a teenager maybe but an adult?
you’re putting your husband in a shitty situation.
|
nta- op, *it's a goddamn hat*, if they're freaking out over that, then they're the issue. also, you're 100% missing out on the opportunity to wear a festive hat! santa hats are fun! :)
also:
>she’s been asking him why he married the devil
honestly op, you should've informed your husband about your hellish origin when you married him. your poor mil having to deal with such a *loose succubus*, is horrifying! first hats, what's next? *exposed ankles*? *trousers instead of a dress*?
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compromise and wear a santa hat. she can't object to that, surely?
|
esh this is one of those posts where the only correct response is that you all sound exhausting.
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yta. now it just sounds like you're trying to screw with her. also, a lot of people consider it rude to wear a hat in the home.
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yta. "i'm going stir the pot and do something that i already know my mil is going to hate, and if she complains it is she who will be the villain". stop playing manipulative games with your husband and his family.
as another poster has already said: a lot of people feel it's rude to wear a hat indoors, especially at the dinner table. all you are demonstrating is that you don't care about other people's rules and boundaries.
if you are really trying to get your husband's family to accept you, this is not the way to go about it.
|
not going to offer a judgment, but you do know that "old-fashioned" people often consider it rude to wear a hat indoors, yes? that may be the source of this conflict.
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yta for stirring the shit intentionally.
that's not going to help make a functional relationship. regardless of the fact that she's clearly at fault, you are adding to the strain in your marriage by making an effort to keep the tension up.
i'm not saying to back down. i'm saying to consider the consequences to yourself.
|
i am torn.. i don't like when people wear hats inside and here in europe it is considered very rude. if you wear a hat, you have to take it off for dinner, that is just whats polite in my country. idk how it is in your country, but even if it was fine by standards to wear a hat, it obviously bugs your mil. can you just try to be ok with her for one evening? i know she sucks and it isn't right that you have to be the grown up but it would mean a lot to your husband i can assume and it would keep the peace. isn't that worth trying?
|
ESH
|
YTA
|
NTA
| null |
ESH
|
YTA
|
YTA
| null |
YTA
| null | 0.124463
|
Classify the interpersonal conflict and explain your choice. Your choices are limited to you're the a**hole (yta) when the writer is causing the conflict, not the a**hole (nta) when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict, no a**holes here (nah) when no one is causing the conflict, everyone sucks here (esh) when everyone is causing the conflict, more information needed (info) when a classification cannot be made with the context provided. Conflict context: this is a petty little thing but maybe you guys can help me know if i was in the wrong? for context, i (25f) got married in november. my mil doesn't really like me, even trying to steal the spotlight at my wedding, but is still overly traditional. at thanksgiving, i was having a really bad hair day so i wore a black leather cap (a dressier newsboy-style one), which my husband said looked great on me. the holiday was hostile, even more so than prior gatherings i'd been to, and hubby said mil said it was because i wore a hat, but i know it was just an excuse. i told mil i wouldn't come to christmas with them, then blocked her number and facebook. my husband is trying to keep us both happy since he doesn't like conflict. he wants me to come to one more celebration to see if maybe people are getting used to me. he’s told mil she needs to be nice and treat me as part of the family since i am and that if i feel unwelcome at christmas like i did at thanksgiving, that we won’t attend future events and she see him much anymore. i understand why he wants me to give her one final chance and haven’t had any conflict with him. marriage is about compromise and i get that he doesn’t want to cut her off since she’s his mother, but i just don’t want to be involved with her unless i have to be. i wanted to see if mil was listening to him so i asked my husband to request that i be allowed to wear the same hat to christmas. hubby said he thought i’d worn it since i had a bad hair day, but this time it’s as a statement that they shouldn’t treat me as an outsider, either because i wear hats all the time (right now it’s just a sports visor, which i’d never wear to a holiday, so it’s not like i’m doing that) or they just don’t like me. if they won’t let me wear a hat, what else are they going to restrict about me? let me be me or i won’t come. period. my husband agreed and relayed this to mil and she’s been asking him why he married the devil. he’s growing tense with me and i told him he’ll probably have to pick a side sooner or later and that i never intended it that way. he spent last night at a friend’s house because he needed to think. i feel bad because i care about him and know conflict stresses him out. i told him to text me when he was ready to talk. he hasn't yet. my friends think that my hat request was unnecessary, and maybe i strained my relationship with my husband. i think he just needed space to think because conflict stresses him out, so i gotta ask: aita for saying i won't come if i don't wear a hat?
|
<s>[INST] <<SYS>>
Classify the interpersonal conflict and explain your choice. Your choices are limited to you're the a**hole (yta) when the writer is causing the conflict, not the a**hole (nta) when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict, no a**holes here (nah) when no one is causing the conflict, everyone sucks here (esh) when everyone is causing the conflict, more information needed (info) when a classification cannot be made with the context provided.
<</SYS>>
this is a petty little thing but maybe you guys can help me know if i was in the wrong? for context, i (25f) got married in november. my mil doesn't really like me, even trying to steal the spotlight at my wedding, but is still overly traditional. at thanksgiving, i was having a really bad hair day so i wore a black leather cap (a dressier newsboy-style one), which my husband said looked great on me. the holiday was hostile, even more so than prior gatherings i'd been to, and hubby said mil said it was because i wore a hat, but i know it was just an excuse. i told mil i wouldn't come to christmas with them, then blocked her number and facebook. my husband is trying to keep us both happy since he doesn't like conflict. he wants me to come to one more celebration to see if maybe people are getting used to me. he’s told mil she needs to be nice and treat me as part of the family since i am and that if i feel unwelcome at christmas like i did at thanksgiving, that we won’t attend future events and she see him much anymore. i understand why he wants me to give her one final chance and haven’t had any conflict with him. marriage is about compromise and i get that he doesn’t want to cut her off since she’s his mother, but i just don’t want to be involved with her unless i have to be. i wanted to see if mil was listening to him so i asked my husband to request that i be allowed to wear the same hat to christmas. hubby said he thought i’d worn it since i had a bad hair day, but this time it’s as a statement that they shouldn’t treat me as an outsider, either because i wear hats all the time (right now it’s just a sports visor, which i’d never wear to a holiday, so it’s not like i’m doing that) or they just don’t like me. if they won’t let me wear a hat, what else are they going to restrict about me? let me be me or i won’t come. period. my husband agreed and relayed this to mil and she’s been asking him why he married the devil. he’s growing tense with me and i told him he’ll probably have to pick a side sooner or later and that i never intended it that way. he spent last night at a friend’s house because he needed to think. i feel bad because i care about him and know conflict stresses him out. i told him to text me when he was ready to talk. he hasn't yet. my friends think that my hat request was unnecessary, and maybe i strained my relationship with my husband. i think he just needed space to think because conflict stresses him out, so i gotta ask: aita for saying i won't come if i don't wear a hat? [/INST] esh - you took a situation that could have been a first step toward a less contentious relationship with your mil and made demands which intentionally antagonized her. of course you should be able to wear whatever you want and your mil is being insane in this situation, but do you want to be "right", or do you want peace in your family? </s>
|
AITA for not talking on the entire drive home?
|
the other day i invited my friend mackenzie to go to a waterfall with me. it was about a 50 minute drive to where we were going, and i have been wanting to do this walk for a long time but i work close to full time in addition to full time study and have a pretty packed social calendar so it's been hard to find a free day to do this.
we're literally two or three minutes away from our destination when mackenzie out of the blue gets cold feet and asks me to drive her home. of course i comply because i'm not gonna hold a person against their will (i was tempted to just tell her to wait in the car, it was only a 25-30 minute walk each way to the waterfall) but i wasn't happy at all and we sat in silence the whole way home. she started crying due to the situation but i did nothing to ease this, i was too angry to talk. it wasn't just about the trip itself but the lost money on petrol, the complete disrespect for my time and the fact that it might be another month or two minimum before i can do this walk again.
she has refused to speak to me since this and now some of my friends are saying i was an asshole for doing this because she was super upset about it and felt uncomfortable, whereas a bunch of my other friends are saying they understand why i was angry and that it was completely understandable that i didn't feel like talking. i feel like i might have been a bit harsh because mackenzie doesn't work often or study so she doesn't necessarily understand how long it can be in between free days like this.
so, am i the asshole?
| 482
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https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/z0r0ie/aita_for_not_talking_on_the_entire_drive_home/
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2022-11-21 05:53:53
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info: why did she get cold feet out of the blue? did something happen. like you said, you were literally two or three minutes away from your destination so why wasn't there room for negotiation?
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while i can see that giving silent treatment is as aggressive as yelling at others, i do understand the feeling of not wanting to talk when i'm mad because i don't want to say things i didn't want to say while in full angry mode. i like to try to communicate after i'm calmed down to be able to tell the other person how i feel without anger clouded my judgement.
i feel like that's what you're doing here, plus you're driving too. you didn't feel like talking and you know what that's okay. you were angry because of the reasons you had which is very valid. she could've said no from the beginning or even suggest to stay in the car and wait until you get back like your idea.
i think if you were to talk to her in angry tone it won't be safe for both of you as you were driving. you don't want a whole debate while being angry, while driving and you kept you two safe in that drive home. so nta, op.
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nta i 100% would have told her no. she can call someone else for a ride or wait in the car.
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nta. you should never plan a trip on your precious time with this person again.
that being said she sounds like an attention seeker. it is not your fault she is afraid of waterfalls after agreeing to accompany you to a waterfall.
you have every right to be angry and let her cry in silence.
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nta
not sure why she waited until you were almost there to let you know she changed her mind. the least she could do was either wait in the car or walk around a bit until you were done with your hike. i’m sorry but 30mins is nothing compared to the almost 2hrs + gas you wasted
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**nta**
she agreed to go on the trip, sat in the car for 50 minutes, demanded you turn around … and is upset that you didn’t talk to her? she owes *you* an apology.
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nta - i mean unless it was a hard hike straight for 15 mins and it was a lot to prep i would understand the last min backing out for 30 mins... but if she decided to no longer go on the hike why not just stay in the car for the 30 mins (okay let's say 45-60 to include time to enjoy the falls). but to start crying and throw a fit is a bit much.
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nta, people need to learn how to respect other people's time. the least she could have done is offer to stay in the car while you went.
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info: how did everyone find out about what happened? if she told everyone, then nta because this is just between the two of you and you guys just needed some time to simmer down and work it out. it’s perfectly ok to not feel like talking sometimes because as my grandmother used to say, “if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all.” if you are the one that told everybody about what happened, then yta because someone who obviously felt really badly that she let you down was made to feel even worse.
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nta. she sounds incredibly sheltered, almost dysfunctional
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INFO
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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INFO
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NTA
| 0.016
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Classify the interpersonal conflict and explain your choice. Your choices are limited to you're the a**hole (yta) when the writer is causing the conflict, not the a**hole (nta) when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict, no a**holes here (nah) when no one is causing the conflict, everyone sucks here (esh) when everyone is causing the conflict, more information needed (info) when a classification cannot be made with the context provided. Conflict context: the other day i invited my friend mackenzie to go to a waterfall with me. it was about a 50 minute drive to where we were going, and i have been wanting to do this walk for a long time but i work close to full time in addition to full time study and have a pretty packed social calendar so it's been hard to find a free day to do this. we're literally two or three minutes away from our destination when mackenzie out of the blue gets cold feet and asks me to drive her home. of course i comply because i'm not gonna hold a person against their will (i was tempted to just tell her to wait in the car, it was only a 25-30 minute walk each way to the waterfall) but i wasn't happy at all and we sat in silence the whole way home. she started crying due to the situation but i did nothing to ease this, i was too angry to talk. it wasn't just about the trip itself but the lost money on petrol, the complete disrespect for my time and the fact that it might be another month or two minimum before i can do this walk again. she has refused to speak to me since this and now some of my friends are saying i was an asshole for doing this because she was super upset about it and felt uncomfortable, whereas a bunch of my other friends are saying they understand why i was angry and that it was completely understandable that i didn't feel like talking. i feel like i might have been a bit harsh because mackenzie doesn't work often or study so she doesn't necessarily understand how long it can be in between free days like this. so, am i the asshole?
|
<s>[INST] <<SYS>>
Classify the interpersonal conflict and explain your choice. Your choices are limited to you're the a**hole (yta) when the writer is causing the conflict, not the a**hole (nta) when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict, no a**holes here (nah) when no one is causing the conflict, everyone sucks here (esh) when everyone is causing the conflict, more information needed (info) when a classification cannot be made with the context provided.
<</SYS>>
the other day i invited my friend mackenzie to go to a waterfall with me. it was about a 50 minute drive to where we were going, and i have been wanting to do this walk for a long time but i work close to full time in addition to full time study and have a pretty packed social calendar so it's been hard to find a free day to do this. we're literally two or three minutes away from our destination when mackenzie out of the blue gets cold feet and asks me to drive her home. of course i comply because i'm not gonna hold a person against their will (i was tempted to just tell her to wait in the car, it was only a 25-30 minute walk each way to the waterfall) but i wasn't happy at all and we sat in silence the whole way home. she started crying due to the situation but i did nothing to ease this, i was too angry to talk. it wasn't just about the trip itself but the lost money on petrol, the complete disrespect for my time and the fact that it might be another month or two minimum before i can do this walk again. she has refused to speak to me since this and now some of my friends are saying i was an asshole for doing this because she was super upset about it and felt uncomfortable, whereas a bunch of my other friends are saying they understand why i was angry and that it was completely understandable that i didn't feel like talking. i feel like i might have been a bit harsh because mackenzie doesn't work often or study so she doesn't necessarily understand how long it can be in between free days like this. so, am i the asshole? [/INST] info: why did she get cold feet out of the blue? did something happen. like you said, you were literally two or three minutes away from your destination so why wasn't there room for negotiation? </s>
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WIBTA if I left a negative review for an optometrist who said my job was “making babies”?
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everything about this visit seemed great. i explained to the optometrist my eyes have been dry ever since i had a child.
later in the conversation, he asked what i did for work. i briefly told him i worked in animal law enforcement, i.e. a “dog catcher” and stated “i also investigate cruelty”.
he replied, slightly under his breath as he turned away, saying “and make babies”.
i honestly have no idea what that meant, but in the moment i stayed silent. i only have one child, and it just seemed very out of place.
i can’t tell if i’m reading into this. wibta if i left a negative review because of the statement he made?
| 3,544
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https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/dj028i/wibta_if_i_left_a_negative_review_for_an/
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2019-10-17 02:38:39
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info: is it possible he said something about rabies? that might make more sense given the context...
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- is there any chance he may have said something about “rabies”?
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nta for sure but are you sure you heard him correctly? perhaps he said something about “rabies”? ex: “i’d be afraid of rabies”
it would be kind of weird but “making babies” is a lot more weird.
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this is such cartoonish villainy that i don’t know what to think.
i have a really, really hard time thinking that he said that. i mean, even if i was the worst of the worst of woman haters, would i really, after making it through 8 years of medical training, risk it all to mutter some stupid remark about how a woman’s job is to make babies in an eye appointment of all places?
he likely said something about being afraid of rabies, as that has to do with your field. i wouldn’t report him for something that could be so fickle and a very simple, small misunderstanding. don’t risk someone’s job and make a complaint unless you’re sure that something happened, because right now it’s just his likely misinterpreted word against yours.
everyone is so quick to burn this guy’s life down, leaving scalding reviews and even turning him into the medical board for the state, but it could literally be a slight misinterpretation of one word bringing it all down. can we please chill on this reactionary, over the top responses? everyone hates sexists, but stuff like this is a bit over the top.
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just let it go, friend. he would be ta if he actually said and meant that in a derogatory way, but you would be ta if you misheard and over reacted. either way, it is worth is? sometimes the drama is just unnecessary.
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poor reviews also suck, so if you’re not completely sure about what you heard, or if there’s a possibility that you misheard, you could be damaging his reputation for something that’s not even true. that would be my biggest concern.
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info: are you positive that that was what he said? if so, he's definitely an asshole for it.
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info: any chance you misunderstood him? maybe he’s a big spay and neuter supporter and you caught the tail end of a statement in support of that? i’m literally making shit up bc this is just so strange that i want there to be a logical explanation.
if not then this guy is not only an asshole but crazy asf. i mean it’s offensive but it’s also incredibly weird.
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there's no way i would leave a review unless i was 100% positive that's what he said. if 100% positive, then nta.
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umm i don’t even want to make a judgement because what the actual f*ck? this situation is just so bizarre i don’t even know how to judge this lol. for the sake of humanity i hope you simply misheard what he said but if not i think it’s safe to say we’re doomed
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INFO
| null |
NTA
| null | null | null |
INFO
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INFO
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NTA
| null | 0.176363
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Classify the interpersonal conflict and explain your choice. Your choices are limited to you're the a**hole (yta) when the writer is causing the conflict, not the a**hole (nta) when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict, no a**holes here (nah) when no one is causing the conflict, everyone sucks here (esh) when everyone is causing the conflict, more information needed (info) when a classification cannot be made with the context provided. Conflict context: everything about this visit seemed great. i explained to the optometrist my eyes have been dry ever since i had a child. later in the conversation, he asked what i did for work. i briefly told him i worked in animal law enforcement, i.e. a “dog catcher” and stated “i also investigate cruelty”. he replied, slightly under his breath as he turned away, saying “and make babies”. i honestly have no idea what that meant, but in the moment i stayed silent. i only have one child, and it just seemed very out of place. i can’t tell if i’m reading into this. wibta if i left a negative review because of the statement he made?
|
<s>[INST] <<SYS>>
Classify the interpersonal conflict and explain your choice. Your choices are limited to you're the a**hole (yta) when the writer is causing the conflict, not the a**hole (nta) when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict, no a**holes here (nah) when no one is causing the conflict, everyone sucks here (esh) when everyone is causing the conflict, more information needed (info) when a classification cannot be made with the context provided.
<</SYS>>
everything about this visit seemed great. i explained to the optometrist my eyes have been dry ever since i had a child. later in the conversation, he asked what i did for work. i briefly told him i worked in animal law enforcement, i.e. a “dog catcher” and stated “i also investigate cruelty”. he replied, slightly under his breath as he turned away, saying “and make babies”. i honestly have no idea what that meant, but in the moment i stayed silent. i only have one child, and it just seemed very out of place. i can’t tell if i’m reading into this. wibta if i left a negative review because of the statement he made? [/INST] info: is it possible he said something about rabies? that might make more sense given the context... </s>
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AITA for saying my mom is a lot more beautiful and successful than my stepmom?
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my stepmom has always been a very insecure person. same with my dad. he married way out of his league but his own insecurity drove my mom away.
my mom is now married to a really nice guy she met at work. my mom is very well-respected professor and really beautiful. i mean she is my mom so i'm biased but she gets a lot of compliments. we do yoga and work out together. so she does work hard at keeping up her fitness.
while i was at my dad's, i overheard my stepmom making fun of mom for apparently getting all dressed up trying to win back my dad. and she also said a few unkind words about my mom. my dad was kind of laughing.
granted, it was their private conversation but i heard it and got mad.
i walked into the kitchen and said it's not my mom's fault my stepmom was ugly as fuck and that she was working a shitty job.
and that there was no way my mom would try to get back with my dad. and i may or may not have called them a gremlin looking couple, which i agree was harsh.
my stepmom ended up crying and locking herself in her room. my dad was mad too but he just begged me not to tell my mom what i'd heard.
i haven't told my mom yet but i have been ignoring my stepmom and she's been hiding in her room a lot.
aita?
| 6,306
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https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/gmp03c/aita_for_saying_my_mom_is_a_lot_more_beautiful/
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2020-05-19 13:54:51
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esh. you can call your stepmom out on being unnecessarily nasty without being unnecessarily nasty back.
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i kinda think every person in this sucks.
your stepmom sucks for making fun of you mom.
your dad sucks for not shutting this down.
and you suck for how you view you father. this whole league-thing sucka anyway. also you've been harsh and just as immature as your stepmom so congrats esh
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nta. it is really classless of your dad and is wife to ridicule your mom when there is any chance of you overhearing. i hope you live with your mom cause your dad’s does not sound like a healthy environment.
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esh but i get it. just call them out on the bullshit without being nasty next time.
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were you harsh? yes.
could you have not been? also yes.
however i don't have it in me to say that you are the asshole here
it takes some fucking balls to be nasty to people unprovoked
i will go with nta, because i wouldn't consider you one despite the rude remarks, those were earned
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nta. you were defending your mom that’s understandable. your stepmother shouldn’t have been saying those things that’s not right. and your father shouldn’t have been allowing it either. there’s something kind of pathetic about him not wanting your mom to know about this.
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nta, calling her a gremlin may have been a bit much, but they were insulting your mom. also your stepmom seems like an insecure woman who wants to tear other women down. that's not a good influence on you. focus on people's actions not their appearance.
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nta.
your stepmom is jealous and insecure of your mother because of your father. the picture in her head doesnt match reality and she cant handle that she didn't "win". your mom is thriving and happy and probably doesnt waste a thought on her.
you should definitely tell your mom.
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i’m going to assume you’re a teenager and not be to harsh.
but that was unkind. they weren’t talking bad about your mom in front of you. you were listening in on a conversation you weren’t apart of.
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esh
your stepmom sounds jealous af of your mom and is resulting to snide comments and remarks, likely to make herself feel better.
that said, you didn't have to go off on her like that and make those comments. i get the emotion behind it, and she probably "deserved" it, but the remarks weren't said directly to you/your mom. i like that you defended your mom, but you went way overboard with it.
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ESH
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ESH
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NTA
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ESH
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
| null |
ESH
| 0.331269
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Classify the interpersonal conflict and explain your choice. Your choices are limited to you're the a**hole (yta) when the writer is causing the conflict, not the a**hole (nta) when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict, no a**holes here (nah) when no one is causing the conflict, everyone sucks here (esh) when everyone is causing the conflict, more information needed (info) when a classification cannot be made with the context provided. Conflict context: my stepmom has always been a very insecure person. same with my dad. he married way out of his league but his own insecurity drove my mom away. my mom is now married to a really nice guy she met at work. my mom is very well-respected professor and really beautiful. i mean she is my mom so i'm biased but she gets a lot of compliments. we do yoga and work out together. so she does work hard at keeping up her fitness. while i was at my dad's, i overheard my stepmom making fun of mom for apparently getting all dressed up trying to win back my dad. and she also said a few unkind words about my mom. my dad was kind of laughing. granted, it was their private conversation but i heard it and got mad. i walked into the kitchen and said it's not my mom's fault my stepmom was ugly as fuck and that she was working a shitty job. and that there was no way my mom would try to get back with my dad. and i may or may not have called them a gremlin looking couple, which i agree was harsh. my stepmom ended up crying and locking herself in her room. my dad was mad too but he just begged me not to tell my mom what i'd heard. i haven't told my mom yet but i have been ignoring my stepmom and she's been hiding in her room a lot. aita?
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<s>[INST] <<SYS>>
Classify the interpersonal conflict and explain your choice. Your choices are limited to you're the a**hole (yta) when the writer is causing the conflict, not the a**hole (nta) when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict, no a**holes here (nah) when no one is causing the conflict, everyone sucks here (esh) when everyone is causing the conflict, more information needed (info) when a classification cannot be made with the context provided.
<</SYS>>
my stepmom has always been a very insecure person. same with my dad. he married way out of his league but his own insecurity drove my mom away. my mom is now married to a really nice guy she met at work. my mom is very well-respected professor and really beautiful. i mean she is my mom so i'm biased but she gets a lot of compliments. we do yoga and work out together. so she does work hard at keeping up her fitness. while i was at my dad's, i overheard my stepmom making fun of mom for apparently getting all dressed up trying to win back my dad. and she also said a few unkind words about my mom. my dad was kind of laughing. granted, it was their private conversation but i heard it and got mad. i walked into the kitchen and said it's not my mom's fault my stepmom was ugly as fuck and that she was working a shitty job. and that there was no way my mom would try to get back with my dad. and i may or may not have called them a gremlin looking couple, which i agree was harsh. my stepmom ended up crying and locking herself in her room. my dad was mad too but he just begged me not to tell my mom what i'd heard. i haven't told my mom yet but i have been ignoring my stepmom and she's been hiding in her room a lot. aita? [/INST] esh. you can call your stepmom out on being unnecessarily nasty without being unnecessarily nasty back. </s>
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AITA for asking my wife to apologize for having her maid of honor pour water on my mom at the wedding?
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my mom does have a history of acting out when things aren’t about her. nothing crazy like some of the stuff i’ve read on here but she will sulk and be difficult. my mom and my wife have an ok relationship but they don’t really like each other.
before the wedding my mom came to get ready and was very whiny and laid down on the hotel bed. she wanted everyone else to get their makeup done first and was pretty much falling asleep and getting pissy when she was asked to get up.
the bridal party already didn’t like my mom because she was demanding at the shower, so the maid of honor filled up a bucket of cold water, but she looked to my wife for permission. my wife nodded and admits that she thought it was funny. now pranks are pretty ok in my family but my mom wasn’t going to take a prank from my wife well anyway.
once they threw the water on her they immediately knew something was wrong. my mom was shivering, teeth chattering, and could barley stand up. someone ran to get my dad who wasn’t surprised because she apparently hadn’t been feeling well for a while and had a doctors appointment. when he got to the hotel room he demanded to know why she was wet, my wife told him, and he cussed her out.
he took my mom to the er and she had blood poisoning from an infection. they said she could have died if it had gone untreated much longer. my father currently hates my wife and won’t even speak to her and my mom claims she is over it but loves to tell everyone how they bullied her when she was near death.
i asked my wife to apologize and she got mad. my wife said she didn’t actually pour it and because of my moms previous behavior she thought she was faking. i asked her just to keep the peace and now she is mad and says that isn’t her job and my dad needs to get over it.
| 4,828
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https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/ldy1h3/aita_for_asking_my_wife_to_apologize_for_having/
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2021-02-06 13:53:45
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esh. your father should have taken your mother to the hospital long before she got sepsis. had the bridal party left her to sleep, she’d be dead now. that “prank” likely saved her life. your wife shouldn’t have had water thrown on your mother because she was being an arsehole about getting ready. they should have just left her. but remember, had they left her, your mother would have died on your wedding day.
you suck because you didn’t shut down the shitty behaviour from your mother the first time she started acting like a silky toddler because something wasn’t about her.
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esh.
literally, everyone.
your mom was being a mood, your wife let her maid of honor *pour a bucket of water on someone just before they attended a wedding* \- who the hell does that? - but regardless of all the shittiness, the blood poisoning had nothing to do with the "prank". she had an infection already and should have been treated.
you and your father are wrong to blame your wife for nearly killing your mom - it had nothing to do with the prank, which was stupid, childish, and pointless.
y'all need family therapy to get over this one.
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esh
the bucket didn’t cause the blood poisoning or infection. your mom wasn’t taking care of herself and getting treated so that’s on her. she also sounds really unpleasant and i don’t blame your wife for being frustrated. the wedding should’ve been about bride and groom not grooms mom.
wife should’ve just handled things like an adult. it’s pretty clear the mom wouldn’t have found that funny and pranks should be funny for everyone.
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esh - your wife and her bridesmaid suck for throwing water on your mother. your mother sucks because she has such a deep history of dramatics that her being near death seemed like just another bout of her bullshit. you and your father suck for thinking that your mother’s medical problems are in any way your wife’s fault. your mom was damn near dead *before* she was wet. hell, it’s possible that she may have fallen asleep and been left there if this hadn’t happened, in which case she’d be dead. every person involved is an asshole. y’all deserve each other.
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esh (except your wife to be entirely honest) your mom chose not to get treated for illness, has a history of trying to make everything about her, and the water didn’t happen at the wedding, it happened while everyone was getting ready. your dad should apologize, no one else knew she was so sick, but he expected everyone to care for her anyway and cursed out the bride. if they hadn’t thrown water on her, what if she had just drifted to sleep and no one noticed that she was in trouble until it was too late?
quite frankly your mother is not owed an apology after that behavior, she should just be grateful she’s alive after being so careless with her own health. your wife didn’t know she was sick, and didn’t try to publicly embarrass her as your title implies. the event happened in a hotel room where she had time to shower before getting her makeup done and going to the wedding.
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info: why haven’t you told your mom to start acting like an adult or you won’t contact her anymore?
or why won’t you break up with your wife, because honestly if you’re not adult enough to stand up to your mother, you’re not adult enough to get married?
honestly or why won’t your wife break up with you for being spineless, instead of being petty af herself.
this whole thing is a mess and you all need therapy. i’m glad your mom got to the hospital, now she needs to go see a different kind of professional, as do you and your wife.
|
esh
what. the. hell.
holy shit, your wife is an asshole. but so are you for asking her to apologize in order to "keep the peace". she should apologize because what she condoned (dumping cold water on someone's head) was over the top rude and uncalled for under any circumstance.
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yta for asking her to apologize to "keep the peace".... it was a prank on a family that usually doesn't mind pranks... it just happened to be poorly timed and given your mother's previous track record of behaviors it was correctly assumed she was being dramatic and an ass... again poorly timed... your father needs to recognize this fact.... and move the fuck on .... and you need to stand up for your wife when your mother goes on her dramatic rant that she was "bullied when she was near death"... geezus
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okay, here's the thing. i'm gonna need some more info, bc idk as an adult how disliking someone so much could escalate to this, so i am gonna need some more info about the relationship between your wife and mother. bc it almost seems like your mom was or continued to be in direct competition with your wife for attention. however, your wife and friend are assholes for doing that instead of pullinf your mother aside and addressing her behavior.
but that is your job first, if the behavior was domineering and she was making things unpleasant it was your job to pull your mom aside and tell her to cut that shit out.
as for the blood infection? how could they have known that she had that issue unless she knew and your father knew and they disclosed that info with you? the prank was petty and childish and your wife and the maid of honor were assholes for doing that.
your mother is a childish brat and an asshole for her continual behavior, which seems like it has already gotten in the way of your relationship with your wife before the marriage was even a thing. so you two need to sit down and have a talk about how to approach your mother in a way that does not make your wife miserable, on top of establishing firm boundaries with both of them in regards to their behavior. cuz it seems like everyone besides you in this situation is behaving like a child.
esh in this tbh, sorry.
|
info
what colour dress was your mom wearing?
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ESH
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ESH
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ESH
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ESH
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ESH
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INFO
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ESH
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YTA
|
INFO
|
INFO
| 0.108
|
Classify the interpersonal conflict and explain your choice. Your choices are limited to you're the a**hole (yta) when the writer is causing the conflict, not the a**hole (nta) when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict, no a**holes here (nah) when no one is causing the conflict, everyone sucks here (esh) when everyone is causing the conflict, more information needed (info) when a classification cannot be made with the context provided. Conflict context: my mom does have a history of acting out when things aren’t about her. nothing crazy like some of the stuff i’ve read on here but she will sulk and be difficult. my mom and my wife have an ok relationship but they don’t really like each other. before the wedding my mom came to get ready and was very whiny and laid down on the hotel bed. she wanted everyone else to get their makeup done first and was pretty much falling asleep and getting pissy when she was asked to get up. the bridal party already didn’t like my mom because she was demanding at the shower, so the maid of honor filled up a bucket of cold water, but she looked to my wife for permission. my wife nodded and admits that she thought it was funny. now pranks are pretty ok in my family but my mom wasn’t going to take a prank from my wife well anyway. once they threw the water on her they immediately knew something was wrong. my mom was shivering, teeth chattering, and could barley stand up. someone ran to get my dad who wasn’t surprised because she apparently hadn’t been feeling well for a while and had a doctors appointment. when he got to the hotel room he demanded to know why she was wet, my wife told him, and he cussed her out. he took my mom to the er and she had blood poisoning from an infection. they said she could have died if it had gone untreated much longer. my father currently hates my wife and won’t even speak to her and my mom claims she is over it but loves to tell everyone how they bullied her when she was near death. i asked my wife to apologize and she got mad. my wife said she didn’t actually pour it and because of my moms previous behavior she thought she was faking. i asked her just to keep the peace and now she is mad and says that isn’t her job and my dad needs to get over it.
|
<s>[INST] <<SYS>>
Classify the interpersonal conflict and explain your choice. Your choices are limited to you're the a**hole (yta) when the writer is causing the conflict, not the a**hole (nta) when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict, no a**holes here (nah) when no one is causing the conflict, everyone sucks here (esh) when everyone is causing the conflict, more information needed (info) when a classification cannot be made with the context provided.
<</SYS>>
my mom does have a history of acting out when things aren’t about her. nothing crazy like some of the stuff i’ve read on here but she will sulk and be difficult. my mom and my wife have an ok relationship but they don’t really like each other. before the wedding my mom came to get ready and was very whiny and laid down on the hotel bed. she wanted everyone else to get their makeup done first and was pretty much falling asleep and getting pissy when she was asked to get up. the bridal party already didn’t like my mom because she was demanding at the shower, so the maid of honor filled up a bucket of cold water, but she looked to my wife for permission. my wife nodded and admits that she thought it was funny. now pranks are pretty ok in my family but my mom wasn’t going to take a prank from my wife well anyway. once they threw the water on her they immediately knew something was wrong. my mom was shivering, teeth chattering, and could barley stand up. someone ran to get my dad who wasn’t surprised because she apparently hadn’t been feeling well for a while and had a doctors appointment. when he got to the hotel room he demanded to know why she was wet, my wife told him, and he cussed her out. he took my mom to the er and she had blood poisoning from an infection. they said she could have died if it had gone untreated much longer. my father currently hates my wife and won’t even speak to her and my mom claims she is over it but loves to tell everyone how they bullied her when she was near death. i asked my wife to apologize and she got mad. my wife said she didn’t actually pour it and because of my moms previous behavior she thought she was faking. i asked her just to keep the peace and now she is mad and says that isn’t her job and my dad needs to get over it. [/INST] esh. your father should have taken your mother to the hospital long before she got sepsis. had the bridal party left her to sleep, she’d be dead now. that “prank” likely saved her life. your wife shouldn’t have had water thrown on your mother because she was being an arsehole about getting ready. they should have just left her. but remember, had they left her, your mother would have died on your wedding day. you suck because you didn’t shut down the shitty behaviour from your mother the first time she started acting like a silky toddler because something wasn’t about her. </s>
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AITA For exposing that my grandma used to be a stripper ?
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i (22f) have a tik tok account that is heavily scrutinized by bio family members. i recently made a tik tok joking about how all grandparents have super messed up love stories, and someone asked for the my grandparents story. so i made a tik tok about how my grandma was a teen mom in the 50s and by the 60s was dancing in a bar, and my grandpa came in and offered to have her leave that life if she gave him a son. the video did really well, and i personally thought it was funny.
apparently not.
unknown to me my (bio) family has been lying for years saying that they met when my grandma was a waitress. i was sent a very aggressive text message from my birth mom saying i was “profiting” off my grandmas issues. and that she would make me look like a liar if she had to. i told her i was an adult and that grandma was very very open about her life to everyone, it wasn’t my fault they chose to lie. everyone’s saying i’m an asshole for “airing” dirty laundry.
aita?
| 571
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https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/uxoyek/aita_for_exposing_that_my_grandma_used_to_be_a/
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2022-05-25 19:24:53
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info: did you have your grandmas permission?
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nta
thr only person whose opinion matters here is grandma's because it's her life story. if she's open about it all then your other family members don't really have a leg to stand on in my opinion
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info: whats your grandmothers opinion on this since it's her life you are using to farm views.
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nta. if your grandmother is open about it and fine with people knowing, then there is no problem with telling people about it. if she were ashamed of it she wanted to keep it a secret then you’d be an asshole for outing this part of her life, but your mom and family have no business bring ashamed on her behalf when she’s not.
also, props to your grandpa. he sounds like a dude.
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if you outed granny as a dancer with out her permission, you’re the asshole, if she’s okay with it, you’re not the asshole.
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nta.
so you mom, in a text which you can show the world, confirmed the story and clearly stated that she will spread her own false information to make you look like a liar?
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it's weird that your moms focus is your grandma's 'unwholesome' stripping and not your grandfather bribing her into having his child. she needs to rethink some values in her life.
| null | null | null |
INFO
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NTA
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INFO
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
| null | null | null | null | 0.052378
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Classify the interpersonal conflict and explain your choice. Your choices are limited to you're the a**hole (yta) when the writer is causing the conflict, not the a**hole (nta) when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict, no a**holes here (nah) when no one is causing the conflict, everyone sucks here (esh) when everyone is causing the conflict, more information needed (info) when a classification cannot be made with the context provided. Conflict context: i (22f) have a tik tok account that is heavily scrutinized by bio family members. i recently made a tik tok joking about how all grandparents have super messed up love stories, and someone asked for the my grandparents story. so i made a tik tok about how my grandma was a teen mom in the 50s and by the 60s was dancing in a bar, and my grandpa came in and offered to have her leave that life if she gave him a son. the video did really well, and i personally thought it was funny. apparently not. unknown to me my (bio) family has been lying for years saying that they met when my grandma was a waitress. i was sent a very aggressive text message from my birth mom saying i was “profiting” off my grandmas issues. and that she would make me look like a liar if she had to. i told her i was an adult and that grandma was very very open about her life to everyone, it wasn’t my fault they chose to lie. everyone’s saying i’m an asshole for “airing” dirty laundry. aita?
|
<s>[INST] <<SYS>>
Classify the interpersonal conflict and explain your choice. Your choices are limited to you're the a**hole (yta) when the writer is causing the conflict, not the a**hole (nta) when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict, no a**holes here (nah) when no one is causing the conflict, everyone sucks here (esh) when everyone is causing the conflict, more information needed (info) when a classification cannot be made with the context provided.
<</SYS>>
i (22f) have a tik tok account that is heavily scrutinized by bio family members. i recently made a tik tok joking about how all grandparents have super messed up love stories, and someone asked for the my grandparents story. so i made a tik tok about how my grandma was a teen mom in the 50s and by the 60s was dancing in a bar, and my grandpa came in and offered to have her leave that life if she gave him a son. the video did really well, and i personally thought it was funny. apparently not. unknown to me my (bio) family has been lying for years saying that they met when my grandma was a waitress. i was sent a very aggressive text message from my birth mom saying i was “profiting” off my grandmas issues. and that she would make me look like a liar if she had to. i told her i was an adult and that grandma was very very open about her life to everyone, it wasn’t my fault they chose to lie. everyone’s saying i’m an asshole for “airing” dirty laundry. aita? [/INST] info: did you have your grandmas permission? </s>
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AITA for not helping my son and his wife with my grandson?
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necessary information: when my oldest son was 16 he got his girlfriend pregnant. after a lot of trouble they made all kinds of promisses and decided they would care for the baby, this led to the girl getting kicked out by her parents and she came to live with us. except that when the baby was born, the girl broke up with my son and went back to her parent's house leaving the baby with us.
that was when my husband and i stepped up to help him raise our granddaughter while our son finished his studies and got a job to provide for her. when she was 1 year old he put her on daycare because my husband and i still worked and there was only so much we could do at that point. once he finished college he rented a place to live with her, the help we provided after that was when he needed to go somewhere and couldn't take her with him or when one of them got sick.
&#x200b;
now, the issue at hand is not with him, it's with his younger brother. he's 35 and married, he and his wife had my grandson last year, he's 10 months now. my daughter-in-law wants to go back to working and while she can do her work from home, she prefers to work outside. since i'm retired, my son asked me to take care of my grandson while they work. i asked him for how long he needed me to do it, to which my son replied that they didn't had a plan for it. i asked if they had considered daycare and he said that neither he or his wife were comfortable with it. i also suggested they asked his wife's parents and he said that they didn't had time for it.
&#x200b;
he thought of asking me because i had helped his brother all those years ago and it would "basically be the same thing". i told him that no, it was not. i was 42 then and i'm 59 now, i didn't had the health issues that i do nowadays like back pain and arthritis. also, he was a married man with a wife by his side, not a 16 year old with a baby. i would be willing to help them for a short period of time but it seems like they have no plans beyond leaving the baby with me. now he thinks i'm playing favorites and that i'm pressuring him and his wife to comply with my demands but i think i'm just being reasonable.
&#x200b;
| 23,731
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https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/c9gtj9/aita_for_not_helping_my_son_and_his_wife_with_my/
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2019-07-05 14:51:30
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nta. grandparents are not obliged to provide free daycare, and small kids are exhausting. tell your son you love him, and you love his child, and if you were 42 again you'd be happy to help out, but at 59 it's just too much.
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nta. you gave your reasons. conversation should have ended there. bonus points because the wife can work from home if they absoloutley were against daycare, but choses not to.
and it's poor of a grown man who is married, established in life and presumably planned to have this baby to compare himself to the situation of his then teenage brother, who was a single parent.
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nta. your son is a grown man with a child, not a 16 year old boy. even your teenage son was able to provide childcare for his baby at a young age, and i would imagine at the time, a worse situation. your grown son is mad he is being told “no”.
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nta.
also, to your son: " shaming him and his wife on the internet "
we don't know who the fuck you are man. we don't care. your brother had the help of your parents to raise your niece because he needed it. you just want it.
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nta. 59 is not 42. i can understand keeping your grandbaby occasionally. every day though? kill me now.
maybe offer one day a week. millions of children attend/have attended daycare. he will be just fine.
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nta, your son and his wife are being rather entitled imo. what went on with your eldest was more a case of helping him help himself, so that he could gain independence and do right by his baby girl. not at *all* like your other sons situation. they are grown, financially and relationship-wise stable. ie they have options, security.
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nta
&#x200b;
you, helping to raise your own child while he raises his child, is one thing.
&#x200b;
you, helping to raise your grandchild because daddy and mommy can't be bothered to figure it out, is another.
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nta, it is definitely nowhere near the same situation and he definitely shouldn’t be upset you’re not interested in being a daycare for the foreseeable future.
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nta
you didn't retire to work a full-time job for free.
tell them straight up that you would be willing to be their backup for days when the daycare is closed but aren't able to be a full-time nanny.
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at 35 with a family of his own, your son is too old for this 'favorites' bullshit.
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
| null | 0
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Classify the interpersonal conflict and explain your choice. Your choices are limited to you're the a**hole (yta) when the writer is causing the conflict, not the a**hole (nta) when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict, no a**holes here (nah) when no one is causing the conflict, everyone sucks here (esh) when everyone is causing the conflict, more information needed (info) when a classification cannot be made with the context provided. Conflict context: necessary information: when my oldest son was 16 he got his girlfriend pregnant. after a lot of trouble they made all kinds of promisses and decided they would care for the baby, this led to the girl getting kicked out by her parents and she came to live with us. except that when the baby was born, the girl broke up with my son and went back to her parent's house leaving the baby with us. that was when my husband and i stepped up to help him raise our granddaughter while our son finished his studies and got a job to provide for her. when she was 1 year old he put her on daycare because my husband and i still worked and there was only so much we could do at that point. once he finished college he rented a place to live with her, the help we provided after that was when he needed to go somewhere and couldn't take her with him or when one of them got sick. &#x200b; now, the issue at hand is not with him, it's with his younger brother. he's 35 and married, he and his wife had my grandson last year, he's 10 months now. my daughter-in-law wants to go back to working and while she can do her work from home, she prefers to work outside. since i'm retired, my son asked me to take care of my grandson while they work. i asked him for how long he needed me to do it, to which my son replied that they didn't had a plan for it. i asked if they had considered daycare and he said that neither he or his wife were comfortable with it. i also suggested they asked his wife's parents and he said that they didn't had time for it. &#x200b; he thought of asking me because i had helped his brother all those years ago and it would "basically be the same thing". i told him that no, it was not. i was 42 then and i'm 59 now, i didn't had the health issues that i do nowadays like back pain and arthritis. also, he was a married man with a wife by his side, not a 16 year old with a baby. i would be willing to help them for a short period of time but it seems like they have no plans beyond leaving the baby with me. now he thinks i'm playing favorites and that i'm pressuring him and his wife to comply with my demands but i think i'm just being reasonable. &#x200b;
|
<s>[INST] <<SYS>>
Classify the interpersonal conflict and explain your choice. Your choices are limited to you're the a**hole (yta) when the writer is causing the conflict, not the a**hole (nta) when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict, no a**holes here (nah) when no one is causing the conflict, everyone sucks here (esh) when everyone is causing the conflict, more information needed (info) when a classification cannot be made with the context provided.
<</SYS>>
necessary information: when my oldest son was 16 he got his girlfriend pregnant. after a lot of trouble they made all kinds of promisses and decided they would care for the baby, this led to the girl getting kicked out by her parents and she came to live with us. except that when the baby was born, the girl broke up with my son and went back to her parent's house leaving the baby with us. that was when my husband and i stepped up to help him raise our granddaughter while our son finished his studies and got a job to provide for her. when she was 1 year old he put her on daycare because my husband and i still worked and there was only so much we could do at that point. once he finished college he rented a place to live with her, the help we provided after that was when he needed to go somewhere and couldn't take her with him or when one of them got sick. &#x200b; now, the issue at hand is not with him, it's with his younger brother. he's 35 and married, he and his wife had my grandson last year, he's 10 months now. my daughter-in-law wants to go back to working and while she can do her work from home, she prefers to work outside. since i'm retired, my son asked me to take care of my grandson while they work. i asked him for how long he needed me to do it, to which my son replied that they didn't had a plan for it. i asked if they had considered daycare and he said that neither he or his wife were comfortable with it. i also suggested they asked his wife's parents and he said that they didn't had time for it. &#x200b; he thought of asking me because i had helped his brother all those years ago and it would "basically be the same thing". i told him that no, it was not. i was 42 then and i'm 59 now, i didn't had the health issues that i do nowadays like back pain and arthritis. also, he was a married man with a wife by his side, not a 16 year old with a baby. i would be willing to help them for a short period of time but it seems like they have no plans beyond leaving the baby with me. now he thinks i'm playing favorites and that i'm pressuring him and his wife to comply with my demands but i think i'm just being reasonable. &#x200b; [/INST] nta. grandparents are not obliged to provide free daycare, and small kids are exhausting. tell your son you love him, and you love his child, and if you were 42 again you'd be happy to help out, but at 59 it's just too much. </s>
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AITA for telling my boyfriend that he embarrassed me when he waved me goodby after dropping me off at work?
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my f26 car broke down several weeks ago. my boyfriend "nick" m29 drives me to and from work everyday which i'm thankful for however....he has this habit of waving me goodby everytime he drops me off at work. i mean hand up waving type of waving. it didn't bother me much at first til one of my coworkers saw him and brought up to the whole department later to "laugh" about it.
i was livid that day. nick came to pick me up and i didn't say anything til we got home. that's when i flipped out and told him that the way he was waving me goodbye like i was some 5 year old girl embarrassed me infront of my coworkers. he acted confused and said he didn't get what was wrong in what he was doing and was just doing a nice gesture. i told him he should've used some other method like a text or something but he argued that first of all he's doing me a favor dropping off/picking me up everyday using his car and driving extra 20 minutes to get to his own work. and that second of all my coworkers were rude to think this was somethinh they would "get a laugh" from and said i should be mad at them not him instead of saying "i embarrassed him". we argued some and he stopped speaking to me for the rest of the night.
i feel like an idiot. i mean i appreciate his favor but to wave at me like i was a school girl really got my coworkers laughing and making me the butt of their weird joking habit.
aita for telling him he embarrassed me?
| 8,929
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/wmw8h7/aita_for_telling_my_boyfriend_that_he_embarrassed/
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2022-08-12 21:16:37
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yta and your coworkers are assholes who need more love in their lives. go and apologise to your boyfriend.
tell him nicely if you don’t want to be waved off, even then, its clear the only disdain you have for it is because your mean coworkers take the piss out of it.
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>it didn't bother me much at first til one of my coworkers saw him and brought up to the whole department later to "laugh" about it.
yta. you are embarrassed not by your boyfriend, but because of what some asshole at work thinks of him. your loyalties should lie with him, not with a bully colleague.
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yta - so are your coworkers. your boyfriend waved at you; how is this front page news?
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let me get this straight: you have a boyfriend who drives you to/from work. he's sweet enough to wave goodbye to you when he drops you off. your co-workers are jealous of you having a sweet and charming boyfriend who cares about you, so they make jokes about it. you're embarrassed that your coworkers see you have a sweet and charming boyfriend. and you care more about what your coworkers think than what your boyfriend thinks.
does that about sum it up?
yup, yta.
if i were you i'd apologize to your boyfriend, before he waves you goodbye for good.
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yta. i understand why you feel like an idiot though. you started a fight with your boyfriend because he waved at you. that’s bananas. why wouldn’t you be
livid at your coworker for bullying you because your boyfriend waved instead of your boyfriend for doing a completely polite gesture?
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yta, it’s waving, i mean, waving 👋
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yta, wow! you weren't bothered until some dumbasses in your office made fun of you? and you are so immature that you take it out on your boyfriend who was doing you a favor? also, what the hell is wrong with him waving goodbye? you're an asshole, your coworkers are assholes, and your boyfriend deserves a better girlfriend.
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lol
yta
and also suspicious. are you trying to hide the fact you have a boyfriend from your "work boyfriend" at your job??
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yta - you certainly act like a 5 year old.
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yta - i'm guessing he should have let your carless self walk home. maybe i don't understand the full context, but he is doing you a favor, and being sweet. in return, you sound like you are being completely ungrateful. he should let you walk.
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YTA
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YTA
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YTA
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YTA
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YTA
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YTA
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YTA
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YTA
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YTA
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YTA
| 0
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Classify the interpersonal conflict and explain your choice. Your choices are limited to you're the a**hole (yta) when the writer is causing the conflict, not the a**hole (nta) when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict, no a**holes here (nah) when no one is causing the conflict, everyone sucks here (esh) when everyone is causing the conflict, more information needed (info) when a classification cannot be made with the context provided. Conflict context: my f26 car broke down several weeks ago. my boyfriend "nick" m29 drives me to and from work everyday which i'm thankful for however....he has this habit of waving me goodby everytime he drops me off at work. i mean hand up waving type of waving. it didn't bother me much at first til one of my coworkers saw him and brought up to the whole department later to "laugh" about it. i was livid that day. nick came to pick me up and i didn't say anything til we got home. that's when i flipped out and told him that the way he was waving me goodbye like i was some 5 year old girl embarrassed me infront of my coworkers. he acted confused and said he didn't get what was wrong in what he was doing and was just doing a nice gesture. i told him he should've used some other method like a text or something but he argued that first of all he's doing me a favor dropping off/picking me up everyday using his car and driving extra 20 minutes to get to his own work. and that second of all my coworkers were rude to think this was somethinh they would "get a laugh" from and said i should be mad at them not him instead of saying "i embarrassed him". we argued some and he stopped speaking to me for the rest of the night. i feel like an idiot. i mean i appreciate his favor but to wave at me like i was a school girl really got my coworkers laughing and making me the butt of their weird joking habit. aita for telling him he embarrassed me?
|
<s>[INST] <<SYS>>
Classify the interpersonal conflict and explain your choice. Your choices are limited to you're the a**hole (yta) when the writer is causing the conflict, not the a**hole (nta) when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict, no a**holes here (nah) when no one is causing the conflict, everyone sucks here (esh) when everyone is causing the conflict, more information needed (info) when a classification cannot be made with the context provided.
<</SYS>>
my f26 car broke down several weeks ago. my boyfriend "nick" m29 drives me to and from work everyday which i'm thankful for however....he has this habit of waving me goodby everytime he drops me off at work. i mean hand up waving type of waving. it didn't bother me much at first til one of my coworkers saw him and brought up to the whole department later to "laugh" about it. i was livid that day. nick came to pick me up and i didn't say anything til we got home. that's when i flipped out and told him that the way he was waving me goodbye like i was some 5 year old girl embarrassed me infront of my coworkers. he acted confused and said he didn't get what was wrong in what he was doing and was just doing a nice gesture. i told him he should've used some other method like a text or something but he argued that first of all he's doing me a favor dropping off/picking me up everyday using his car and driving extra 20 minutes to get to his own work. and that second of all my coworkers were rude to think this was somethinh they would "get a laugh" from and said i should be mad at them not him instead of saying "i embarrassed him". we argued some and he stopped speaking to me for the rest of the night. i feel like an idiot. i mean i appreciate his favor but to wave at me like i was a school girl really got my coworkers laughing and making me the butt of their weird joking habit. aita for telling him he embarrassed me? [/INST] yta and your coworkers are assholes who need more love in their lives. go and apologise to your boyfriend. tell him nicely if you don’t want to be waved off, even then, its clear the only disdain you have for it is because your mean coworkers take the piss out of it. </s>
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AITA for not wanting to "adopt" a special needs child?
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husband [32m] and i [30m] are a same sex couple, children have always been on the planning and we have both agreed early on that if we decided to have children we'd choose to adopt, more specifically adopt a slightly older kid.
my husband's sister (emma, fake name) and her boyfriend are very problematic and will be losing custody to their 7 year old son. the reasons why are too personal to get into and not relevant now.
to avoid their son going in care and being separated from his family there have been a lot of discussions going on about who will be suitable to be the boy's legal guardian. his side of the family nominated us and my husband thinks it's a wonderful, beautiful idea. the boy is lovely but a handful and that's an understatement. he has autism and it is suspected that he has adhd too.
* our marriage is not the most stable currently.
* we work long hours, especially my husband works a very stressful job, fitting a child into that will be difficult and unfair. * the boy's school is very far away.
* i suffer from depression and take medications for that and right now i don't feel i have the motivation or ability to take care of another person, let alone myself.
i also feel the child deserves someone far more equipped and with more parental knowledge. i don't deal well with stress.
the other alternative is his other sister lauren who has a psychology background, however she lives far away too and in a one bedroom shared flat.
i don't think my husband and i are suitable to take on this role for the reasons above and i have said to him. he flat out asked me if it's because of the autism, i confirmed that and he said i'm an "heartless asshole". i disagree but what like different opinions on this. aita for not wanting to parent a special needs child?
| 2,039
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/b9037e/aita_for_not_wanting_to_adopt_a_special_needs/
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2019-04-03 16:22:00
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nah. this is a tough situation all around, and it sound like you both have good reasons for you opinions. best of luck finding a good solution, op.
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nah
it doesn't sound like you should be adopting any child at this point, as you're not sure you would have the time or motivation to properly take care of one.
i can understand your husbands want to adopt him, but if he is the one always working long hours he is essentially setting you up to take care of him. a difficult job that shouldn't be forced on anyone.
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nta- if you know that you cannot provide a quality and stable life to a child, taking them on just to not look/feel bad is selfish.
&#x200b;
your husband is the asshole here for calling you one. adoption is a joint decision in any relationship, and one that you absolutely should not be shamed into going along with.
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nah
you're acting in the best interest of the child, as you believe that your home cannot provide what he needs. but your partner has every right to believe otherwise, even if you don't agree. you need to discuss with him your concerns and try to agree on a solution.
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nah. this is a two-yeses kind of decision: both partners need to 100% on board to go forward. only one veto necessary.
you're not a heartless asshole for not wanting to take this child on. but beware that many children who are available for adoption will have difficulties even if not labeled special needs. they will have been through trauma and that will affect their behavior. it's something to keep in mind if you're still considering adoption in the future.
i hope you and your husband can talk this out in marriage counseling.
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nta
there's a pretty big difference in the ways that someone could be making a decision like this "because of the autism". one person might say that because they don't want to take care of an autistic person because of some fear or disgust of them. that's clearly what your husband thinks. another might say that because they've genuinely evaluated themselves and their life and their means and decided that it's in nobody's best interest to take on the care of that person. it seems pretty clear to me that you're the latter type of person.
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nah - touchy situation but taking on any child let alone a child with special needs is a huge commitment and not something that you should be guilted into. the harsh truth is relationships suffer because of the stress and it's incredibly expensive and time consuming to care for any child let alone one that needs extra care and it's not something that you should flippantly agree to. i can understand why he wants to take care of his nephew and obviously hes nta for that.
sounds like it's time for a discussion just the two of you where you really discuss how big of a change this would be and everything that it would effect -who will look after the child when he's at work, how will you budget, who will drive him to school - if you are in a good financial place maybe you can help out his sister with rent on a bigger place?
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nta. sounds like it’s an awful lot to take on. if you’re not comfortable with it, you’re not comfortable with it.
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nta your husband's family should have consulted you guys before nominating you.
also i have an uncle with a special needs kid the same age as the one you're talking about. the kid has autism and adhd, and saying he's a handful is an understatement.
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nta
if the situation involved a different child, one your partner wasn’t related to or without the medical problems, would you still be against it? it seems less like you don’t want this specific child and more like you don’t want *any* child right now (given your long work hours and focus on your mental health and your rocky marriage).
|
NAH
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NAH
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NTA
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NAH
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NAH
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NTA
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NAH
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
| 0.015625
|
Classify the interpersonal conflict and explain your choice. Your choices are limited to you're the a**hole (yta) when the writer is causing the conflict, not the a**hole (nta) when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict, no a**holes here (nah) when no one is causing the conflict, everyone sucks here (esh) when everyone is causing the conflict, more information needed (info) when a classification cannot be made with the context provided. Conflict context: husband [32m] and i [30m] are a same sex couple, children have always been on the planning and we have both agreed early on that if we decided to have children we'd choose to adopt, more specifically adopt a slightly older kid. my husband's sister (emma, fake name) and her boyfriend are very problematic and will be losing custody to their 7 year old son. the reasons why are too personal to get into and not relevant now. to avoid their son going in care and being separated from his family there have been a lot of discussions going on about who will be suitable to be the boy's legal guardian. his side of the family nominated us and my husband thinks it's a wonderful, beautiful idea. the boy is lovely but a handful and that's an understatement. he has autism and it is suspected that he has adhd too. * our marriage is not the most stable currently. * we work long hours, especially my husband works a very stressful job, fitting a child into that will be difficult and unfair. * the boy's school is very far away. * i suffer from depression and take medications for that and right now i don't feel i have the motivation or ability to take care of another person, let alone myself. i also feel the child deserves someone far more equipped and with more parental knowledge. i don't deal well with stress. the other alternative is his other sister lauren who has a psychology background, however she lives far away too and in a one bedroom shared flat. i don't think my husband and i are suitable to take on this role for the reasons above and i have said to him. he flat out asked me if it's because of the autism, i confirmed that and he said i'm an "heartless asshole". i disagree but what like different opinions on this. aita for not wanting to parent a special needs child?
|
<s>[INST] <<SYS>>
Classify the interpersonal conflict and explain your choice. Your choices are limited to you're the a**hole (yta) when the writer is causing the conflict, not the a**hole (nta) when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict, no a**holes here (nah) when no one is causing the conflict, everyone sucks here (esh) when everyone is causing the conflict, more information needed (info) when a classification cannot be made with the context provided.
<</SYS>>
husband [32m] and i [30m] are a same sex couple, children have always been on the planning and we have both agreed early on that if we decided to have children we'd choose to adopt, more specifically adopt a slightly older kid. my husband's sister (emma, fake name) and her boyfriend are very problematic and will be losing custody to their 7 year old son. the reasons why are too personal to get into and not relevant now. to avoid their son going in care and being separated from his family there have been a lot of discussions going on about who will be suitable to be the boy's legal guardian. his side of the family nominated us and my husband thinks it's a wonderful, beautiful idea. the boy is lovely but a handful and that's an understatement. he has autism and it is suspected that he has adhd too. * our marriage is not the most stable currently. * we work long hours, especially my husband works a very stressful job, fitting a child into that will be difficult and unfair. * the boy's school is very far away. * i suffer from depression and take medications for that and right now i don't feel i have the motivation or ability to take care of another person, let alone myself. i also feel the child deserves someone far more equipped and with more parental knowledge. i don't deal well with stress. the other alternative is his other sister lauren who has a psychology background, however she lives far away too and in a one bedroom shared flat. i don't think my husband and i are suitable to take on this role for the reasons above and i have said to him. he flat out asked me if it's because of the autism, i confirmed that and he said i'm an "heartless asshole". i disagree but what like different opinions on this. aita for not wanting to parent a special needs child? [/INST] nah. this is a tough situation all around, and it sound like you both have good reasons for you opinions. best of luck finding a good solution, op. </s>
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AITA for being upset that once again I’m sitting in the ER with my boyfriend who is very much not sick.
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literally right now in the er.
so back story. my boyfriend will often think he is sick when really it is all in his mind. when we first got together i would immediately take him to the er or doctor and support him. however i started to see a trend. that anaphylactic reaction he was having to food ? nope. no epi-pen. some just in case benadryl and released right away. that back injury that left him unable to walk , pulled muscle. take some tylenol and we were on our way.
i ask him to follow up with an allergist, primary care. even mental health as it seems to me to be very much a panic attack or some other type of mental health trigger. he never follows up.
so tonight when he couldn’t sleep because of a head ache i ignored. told him to take some motrin. sure enough ten minutes later he was according to him “ not in control of his body , unable to breath and swallow and shaking
i tried my usual , let’s take deep breaths. your breathing fine. it’s in your head. but he wanted to call an ambulance. he even said they he knew i i thought he was over reacting but he wasn’t.
sure enough ambulance shows up and calls him out. tells him his vitals are fine and he was causing his stress. asking him if there as something in his life causing stress.
as a precaution they admitted him to to er. where i am sitting right now. at 420 in the am. he is sleeping. i am tired. the nurse is telling me he is fine and that they have no signs or any physical health problems.
and i’m getting madder by the moment. on one hand i want to be here for him and never down play any of his concerns. the other hand is he has yet to actually be sick. not once.
am i the asshole for being pissed as hell at him?
| 2,239
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https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/bqsw1e/aita_for_being_upset_that_once_again_im_sitting/
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2019-05-20 08:30:30
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nah.
sounds like your boyfriend either has some form of anxiety with this type of thing or is just a hypochondriac. you’re not the asshole for being mad, but i don’t think he’s doing it to hurt you, it sounds like it’s generally scaring him. you seriously need to get him into therapy for this and you can’t just wait for him to follow up and do it, you need to take the initiative on it. if not, you might as well break up because it sounds like this is something that’s going to happen more often.
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nta - what happens when he has an actual emergency? you, his family, and his friend won't take him seriously, and then he could be in serious trouble.
not to mention the fact that patient histories can easily follow an individual. what happens when it's real and the doctors don't even take him seriously?
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nah
you have every right to be frustrated, this is a difficult situation to be in and can be very annoying for people on the outside.
i am not a doctor or mental health professional but it sounds to me like your boyfriend is a hypochondriac. this is definitely something he needs to go to therapy for. it sounds like you’ve already suggested therapy and he’s just ignored it, so my suggestion would be to talk to one of the doctors while you’re there now and tell them about the situation/your concerns for his mental health. maybe he will take a recommendation for therapy more seriously if it’s coming from an actual doctor.
other than supporting him through this and pushing him to confront his potential mental health problems head on by seeing someone, there’s not much you can do. but it sounds like something needs to be done quickly before a) you become so frustrated it effects or ends your relationship and b) he becomes an even worse strain on the health care system than he already is with his false alarms. every time an ambulance comes to rescue him that’s one less ambulance available for a real emergency. and depending on what country you’re from that can come at a serious price. i know there’s places in my home country suffering from “code zeros” more often than you’d think. that basically means that every ambulance is engaged and there’s no more available for emergency calls. if he’s doing this in a place like that, it could truly mean that someone is dying because that ambulance wasn’t available for them.
just food for thought, best of luck to you op.
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nta he is mentally ill and needs to do something about it. not only your time is being wasted but the very valuable time of emergency healthcare providers
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nah. my husband has similar issues and i told him "listen, i support you, but i can't *help* you. you need professional help."
he got a therapist, and he also got a primary care physician to do a really thorough physical to establish a baseline. getting that clean bill of health helped him relax. he got his back pain checked out (diagnosis: "you work in it") and some advice from a pt.
sometimes he still gets anxious, but not to the same degree, and he's more willing to listen to reassurance. this is because he recognized he had a problem and put in work to address it.
if your boyfriend refuses to get help, he'll be venturing into asshole territory, but for now it sounds like he's still figuring it out. it's okay to be annoyed, though. i *hate* having my sleep disturbed.
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nah
i'd be pissed too! he needs to get help. he needs to see a psychiatrist i've been a nurse for 10 years and i see this shit all the time. if it's not drugs it's almost always anxiety or a mental health issue like a paranoia based disease. if he continued to refuse treatment you would not br an asshole for leaving him... you can lead a house to water
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nta - either he is playing some weird childish game for kicks or he has some serious mental health issues that he needs to see someone about. either way, you've been good to stick by him through it and you shouldn't have to sit through it anymore. if he actually has a problem he needs to get help
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nah. i have been your boyfriend i had to go to a and e a few times, wasting health resources that could've been used on actual ill people. that was in the depths of my anxiety and ptsd. therapy helped a lot and now i am never a hypochondriac anymore. best of luck to you both.
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i mean.. he is sick.
just not in the way he or you are thinking.
nah. it can be frustrating to deal with if he's not going to get professional help.
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nah
it sounds like he may suffer from panic disorder. as a fellow panic sufferer it took years of training and therapy for me to be able to ride out a panic attack.
he really needs to see a psychiatrist. panic attacks absolutely feel like a real emergency. all the alarms in your body for " something is seriously wrong " are going off for no reason.
they become a lot more intense if you start googling your symptoms. in that state you can convince yourself you're feeling all sorts of things.
there are many self help books available if he can't take the leap into therapy just yet. 'hope and help for your nerves' and 'the anxiety and phobia workbook' are some good ones.
have him look over this list if he is willing :
http://www.anxiety-central.com/topic/74-list-of-over-100-anxiety-symptoms/
it goes over all sorts of feelings, symptoms and sensations a harmless panic attack will trigger.
panic disorder is physiologically not going to hurt you, but it does make you feel miserable. i highly recommend therapy if he is willing.
|
NAH
|
NTA
|
NAH
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NTA
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NAH
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NAH
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NTA
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NAH
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NAH
|
NAH
| 0.028068
|
Classify the interpersonal conflict and explain your choice. Your choices are limited to you're the a**hole (yta) when the writer is causing the conflict, not the a**hole (nta) when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict, no a**holes here (nah) when no one is causing the conflict, everyone sucks here (esh) when everyone is causing the conflict, more information needed (info) when a classification cannot be made with the context provided. Conflict context: literally right now in the er. so back story. my boyfriend will often think he is sick when really it is all in his mind. when we first got together i would immediately take him to the er or doctor and support him. however i started to see a trend. that anaphylactic reaction he was having to food ? nope. no epi-pen. some just in case benadryl and released right away. that back injury that left him unable to walk , pulled muscle. take some tylenol and we were on our way. i ask him to follow up with an allergist, primary care. even mental health as it seems to me to be very much a panic attack or some other type of mental health trigger. he never follows up. so tonight when he couldn’t sleep because of a head ache i ignored. told him to take some motrin. sure enough ten minutes later he was according to him “ not in control of his body , unable to breath and swallow and shaking i tried my usual , let’s take deep breaths. your breathing fine. it’s in your head. but he wanted to call an ambulance. he even said they he knew i i thought he was over reacting but he wasn’t. sure enough ambulance shows up and calls him out. tells him his vitals are fine and he was causing his stress. asking him if there as something in his life causing stress. as a precaution they admitted him to to er. where i am sitting right now. at 420 in the am. he is sleeping. i am tired. the nurse is telling me he is fine and that they have no signs or any physical health problems. and i’m getting madder by the moment. on one hand i want to be here for him and never down play any of his concerns. the other hand is he has yet to actually be sick. not once. am i the asshole for being pissed as hell at him?
|
<s>[INST] <<SYS>>
Classify the interpersonal conflict and explain your choice. Your choices are limited to you're the a**hole (yta) when the writer is causing the conflict, not the a**hole (nta) when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict, no a**holes here (nah) when no one is causing the conflict, everyone sucks here (esh) when everyone is causing the conflict, more information needed (info) when a classification cannot be made with the context provided.
<</SYS>>
literally right now in the er. so back story. my boyfriend will often think he is sick when really it is all in his mind. when we first got together i would immediately take him to the er or doctor and support him. however i started to see a trend. that anaphylactic reaction he was having to food ? nope. no epi-pen. some just in case benadryl and released right away. that back injury that left him unable to walk , pulled muscle. take some tylenol and we were on our way. i ask him to follow up with an allergist, primary care. even mental health as it seems to me to be very much a panic attack or some other type of mental health trigger. he never follows up. so tonight when he couldn’t sleep because of a head ache i ignored. told him to take some motrin. sure enough ten minutes later he was according to him “ not in control of his body , unable to breath and swallow and shaking i tried my usual , let’s take deep breaths. your breathing fine. it’s in your head. but he wanted to call an ambulance. he even said they he knew i i thought he was over reacting but he wasn’t. sure enough ambulance shows up and calls him out. tells him his vitals are fine and he was causing his stress. asking him if there as something in his life causing stress. as a precaution they admitted him to to er. where i am sitting right now. at 420 in the am. he is sleeping. i am tired. the nurse is telling me he is fine and that they have no signs or any physical health problems. and i’m getting madder by the moment. on one hand i want to be here for him and never down play any of his concerns. the other hand is he has yet to actually be sick. not once. am i the asshole for being pissed as hell at him? [/INST] nah. sounds like your boyfriend either has some form of anxiety with this type of thing or is just a hypochondriac. you’re not the asshole for being mad, but i don’t think he’s doing it to hurt you, it sounds like it’s generally scaring him. you seriously need to get him into therapy for this and you can’t just wait for him to follow up and do it, you need to take the initiative on it. if not, you might as well break up because it sounds like this is something that’s going to happen more often. </s>
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AITA for telling my girlfriend she isn’t a trophy wife or status symbol and that we are both similar in looks?
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a bit of background my girlfriend and i are 30 and 31 respectively. we have been dating for about a year. i work as a high-level engineer at a good firm and my girlfriend works as a payroll specialist at a good firm too. i make significantly more than her (3x).
things were good in our relationship until i showed her my retirement/savings. she now doesn't see the point of working and has started framing our relationship in that, she is the beautiful one and that i am the nerdy engineer that was lucky to have her. before, when we met she was all about making it her own way, eventually starting her own company with her sister in sourcing and recruiting. but now she jokes about driving a range rover and wearing lululemon and going to yoga.
we were having a discussion again about this 'trophy wife' stuff she brought up that i was nerdy back in the day while she was very popular. i told her she is not a trophy wife, that yes she is attractive but its not a huge difference between us.
i told her had it been the case that i met her when she was 22 and i was my current age than sure, but she isn't 22 anymore. after i said that she just started crying like crazy.
she started saying that i think of her as ugly and used up that her best years are behind are. she just told me that if i am not happy to be with her, why am i even here? to stop wasting her time.
i tried to talk to her but she was in no state for a conversation. i don't know what to say, guys, for me, i just wanted to say that i think we are of similar attractiveness. like i don't think anyone when they see us turns their head and is like oh she is with him the cause of money? or damn he is so lucky to be with her. i think it's mutual. she was the one that if anything went after my attractiveness first.
| 1,957
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https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/gzqj8b/aita_for_telling_my_girlfriend_she_isnt_a_trophy/
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2020-06-09 16:30:25
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info: is it a joke? because i make more money than my husband who constantly jokes that he's a trophy wife and that he wants a custom juicy tracksuit.
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[deleted]
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nta. i kinda stopped reading throughly and started skimming once i saw your girlfriend saw how much you make and started talking about how she doesn’t need to work anymore. it’s selfish and self conceited of her to assume that you’ll be her sole provider and she doesn’t need to contribute. it would be different if you explicitly said “hey so, i’ll take it from here” or something along the lines of you explicitly telling her you will be the sole provider. but since you didn’t , she has no authority to tell you how you two will live out your lives. relationships are group efforts and it seems like she wants all the glory and none of the work.
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nta more than e s h
>we were having a discussion again about this 'trophy wife' stuff she brought up that i was nerdy back in the day while she was very popular. i told her she is not a trophy wife, that yes she is attractive but its not a huge difference between us.
idk about the rest of the people here but if your so has this attitude you should reconsider your relationship. all you did was to point out that you think that both of you are of similar attraction.
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nta. the age comment was a low blow, but nothing compared to her essentially deciding to spend your money for the rest of her life.
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nta.
> things were good in our relationship until i showed her my retirement/savings. she now doesn't see the point of working and has started framing our relationship in that
you dropped these. 🚩 🚩 🚩
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nta - she was being an insensitive jerk, demeaning herself and you in the process and when you gave her a reality check, you're the asshole?
she is showing you who she really is, believe her.
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nta but i don't necessarily agree that these are red flags from her. they definitely could be red flags, but another option is that she feels like she lost her role or identity in the relationship when she realized how much more you made than her. she may have seen herself as an equal to you and taken pride in her career but once she found out that her contribution was not as much she was trying to justify why you might want to be with you and find an identity and something of value that she brought to the table. i think that it may have been a shot to her self-esteem and she was trying to cope with that.
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info: have you asked her why she wants to quit or if she has been having trouble at work lately?
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nta. she sounds really unstable and has an odd way of looking at herself and your relationship.
|
INFO
| null |
NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
|
INFO
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NTA
| 0.02053
|
Classify the interpersonal conflict and explain your choice. Your choices are limited to you're the a**hole (yta) when the writer is causing the conflict, not the a**hole (nta) when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict, no a**holes here (nah) when no one is causing the conflict, everyone sucks here (esh) when everyone is causing the conflict, more information needed (info) when a classification cannot be made with the context provided. Conflict context: a bit of background my girlfriend and i are 30 and 31 respectively. we have been dating for about a year. i work as a high-level engineer at a good firm and my girlfriend works as a payroll specialist at a good firm too. i make significantly more than her (3x). things were good in our relationship until i showed her my retirement/savings. she now doesn't see the point of working and has started framing our relationship in that, she is the beautiful one and that i am the nerdy engineer that was lucky to have her. before, when we met she was all about making it her own way, eventually starting her own company with her sister in sourcing and recruiting. but now she jokes about driving a range rover and wearing lululemon and going to yoga. we were having a discussion again about this 'trophy wife' stuff she brought up that i was nerdy back in the day while she was very popular. i told her she is not a trophy wife, that yes she is attractive but its not a huge difference between us. i told her had it been the case that i met her when she was 22 and i was my current age than sure, but she isn't 22 anymore. after i said that she just started crying like crazy. she started saying that i think of her as ugly and used up that her best years are behind are. she just told me that if i am not happy to be with her, why am i even here? to stop wasting her time. i tried to talk to her but she was in no state for a conversation. i don't know what to say, guys, for me, i just wanted to say that i think we are of similar attractiveness. like i don't think anyone when they see us turns their head and is like oh she is with him the cause of money? or damn he is so lucky to be with her. i think it's mutual. she was the one that if anything went after my attractiveness first.
|
<s>[INST] <<SYS>>
Classify the interpersonal conflict and explain your choice. Your choices are limited to you're the a**hole (yta) when the writer is causing the conflict, not the a**hole (nta) when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict, no a**holes here (nah) when no one is causing the conflict, everyone sucks here (esh) when everyone is causing the conflict, more information needed (info) when a classification cannot be made with the context provided.
<</SYS>>
a bit of background my girlfriend and i are 30 and 31 respectively. we have been dating for about a year. i work as a high-level engineer at a good firm and my girlfriend works as a payroll specialist at a good firm too. i make significantly more than her (3x). things were good in our relationship until i showed her my retirement/savings. she now doesn't see the point of working and has started framing our relationship in that, she is the beautiful one and that i am the nerdy engineer that was lucky to have her. before, when we met she was all about making it her own way, eventually starting her own company with her sister in sourcing and recruiting. but now she jokes about driving a range rover and wearing lululemon and going to yoga. we were having a discussion again about this 'trophy wife' stuff she brought up that i was nerdy back in the day while she was very popular. i told her she is not a trophy wife, that yes she is attractive but its not a huge difference between us. i told her had it been the case that i met her when she was 22 and i was my current age than sure, but she isn't 22 anymore. after i said that she just started crying like crazy. she started saying that i think of her as ugly and used up that her best years are behind are. she just told me that if i am not happy to be with her, why am i even here? to stop wasting her time. i tried to talk to her but she was in no state for a conversation. i don't know what to say, guys, for me, i just wanted to say that i think we are of similar attractiveness. like i don't think anyone when they see us turns their head and is like oh she is with him the cause of money? or damn he is so lucky to be with her. i think it's mutual. she was the one that if anything went after my attractiveness first. [/INST] info: is it a joke? because i make more money than my husband who constantly jokes that he's a trophy wife and that he wants a custom juicy tracksuit. </s>
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AITA for telling my ex-wife it’s her fault our son isn’t graduating high school?
|
my ex-wife gina and i have two kids. our daughter liv (17) stays with me, and our son tony (19) stays with her (tony was born in october, and liv was born in august, so even though they are almost two years apart in age, they are only one grade apart). we alternate weekends.
for the record, both kids are perfectly healthy.
liv is graduating in may, and tony is going to have to get a ged. it all started in ninth grade.
in our state, students are required to take and pass two years of pe. they must be taken sequentially, as tenth grade pe is also driver’s ed.
tony failed pe in ninth grade. i tried asking if there were any issues or anything, and he blew me off. it was a concern, but since he lived with his mom, i couldn’t do anything. she wouldn’t punish him herself.
as tenth grade pe is also driver’s ed, and since tony failed ninth grade pe and thus could not take it the next year, gina wanted to put him in a private driver’s ed course. i said i wouldn’t help pay for it. he failed the course, let him wait a year. she couldn’t afford the $2000 on her own. we struck a deal, however. if tony would workout with me everyday for the summer or take a class at the ymca, i would pay half of the driver’s ed course because i would know he was working on his pe. he refused.
in tenth grade, tony failed pe again. he did so for a third time in eleventh grade.
now, this year was his last chance. the way our school system works is that if you can’t complete all required courses in high school within five years, you are referred to adult ed for a ged. tony’s grades are not great, and his pe grade is bad enough that even if he got straight a’s in it for each of the remaining grading periods, he would still fail the class. the guidance counsellor informed us today that he must be referred to adult ed at the end of the semester because, since pe is sequential, he cannot finish within five years.
gina is upset, and she asked what were we going to do. i said i guess she’s paying for a ged because i’ve been trying for four years to help him. i reminded her that i offered at the beginning of the year to pay for him to take the course online and for a personal trainer to guide him. she said no and that it was too far. i said that she thought everything except patting him on the shoulder and saying, “it’s okay, honey,” was too far, and that her unwillingness to discipline him or let him be disciplined is why he’s not graduating.
she called me an asshole, and now i’m wondering if i am or not.
| 2,050
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https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/euqqf2/aita_for_telling_my_exwife_its_her_fault_our_son/
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2020-01-27 17:05:02
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esh because it seems like both of you are treating your kids like they only belong to one parent. you don't split kids up like the parent trap, they are both still your responsibility. what was the reason for you each taking one rather than having joint custody of both?
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info - did you ever figure out why your kid was failing pe? cause you don't have to be physically fit to pass or even get an a. so it sounds like you were just as oblivious as your ex here.
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esh. you both failed tony.
you don't need an authoritarian relationship with a child to help them. you could have played the role of an understanding and trustworthy mentor. you could have gotten tony to trust you enough to help with whatever is wrong (and if a kid is flunking pe 4 times something is *definitely* wrong.)
but now is not the time to point fingers at each other. now is the time for you and your ex to work together to help tony so he has a shot at a decent life.
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sounds like nta to me. you did what you could, but ultimately your son lived with your ex, and it was her job to make sure he did his work.
for the record, i'm extremely confused as to how somebody can fail pe so many times in a row. when i was in high school, with the exception of the driver's ed class and sex ed, it was basically a participation-based layup grade. what the hell is your son doing?
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nta it does sound like she enabled him, but it’s your son’s fault more than anything
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nta. how do you fail pe? 4 times? it's literally show up and just try and you pass. you don't even have to be good or excell. just try.
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nta. you should not pay for the ged. neither should tony's mom. tony should pay for the ged. he's the one that failed a simple class multiple times.
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nta, and your son is an asshole too for refusing to get help himself. he clearly didn’t want to graduate.
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esh. you because your involvement seems to have been 'i offered mom said no so i dropped it.' mom sucks because she didn't push for him to actually do anything and has been seemingly ok with his bad grades.
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nta, although i get the feeling that might not be the majority opinion. it sounds like she wasn't pushing him hard enough, and now his life is fucked pretty hard. at the end of the day, the ultimate culpability should fall on your son as he is old enough that he should know this kind of stuff is important on his own, but i don't think i'd call you an asshole for saying that your wife has some responsibility for not disciplining him nearly as hard as she should have.
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ESH
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INFO
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ESH
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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ESH
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NTA
| 0.207934
|
Classify the interpersonal conflict and explain your choice. Your choices are limited to you're the a**hole (yta) when the writer is causing the conflict, not the a**hole (nta) when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict, no a**holes here (nah) when no one is causing the conflict, everyone sucks here (esh) when everyone is causing the conflict, more information needed (info) when a classification cannot be made with the context provided. Conflict context: my ex-wife gina and i have two kids. our daughter liv (17) stays with me, and our son tony (19) stays with her (tony was born in october, and liv was born in august, so even though they are almost two years apart in age, they are only one grade apart). we alternate weekends. for the record, both kids are perfectly healthy. liv is graduating in may, and tony is going to have to get a ged. it all started in ninth grade. in our state, students are required to take and pass two years of pe. they must be taken sequentially, as tenth grade pe is also driver’s ed. tony failed pe in ninth grade. i tried asking if there were any issues or anything, and he blew me off. it was a concern, but since he lived with his mom, i couldn’t do anything. she wouldn’t punish him herself. as tenth grade pe is also driver’s ed, and since tony failed ninth grade pe and thus could not take it the next year, gina wanted to put him in a private driver’s ed course. i said i wouldn’t help pay for it. he failed the course, let him wait a year. she couldn’t afford the $2000 on her own. we struck a deal, however. if tony would workout with me everyday for the summer or take a class at the ymca, i would pay half of the driver’s ed course because i would know he was working on his pe. he refused. in tenth grade, tony failed pe again. he did so for a third time in eleventh grade. now, this year was his last chance. the way our school system works is that if you can’t complete all required courses in high school within five years, you are referred to adult ed for a ged. tony’s grades are not great, and his pe grade is bad enough that even if he got straight a’s in it for each of the remaining grading periods, he would still fail the class. the guidance counsellor informed us today that he must be referred to adult ed at the end of the semester because, since pe is sequential, he cannot finish within five years. gina is upset, and she asked what were we going to do. i said i guess she’s paying for a ged because i’ve been trying for four years to help him. i reminded her that i offered at the beginning of the year to pay for him to take the course online and for a personal trainer to guide him. she said no and that it was too far. i said that she thought everything except patting him on the shoulder and saying, “it’s okay, honey,” was too far, and that her unwillingness to discipline him or let him be disciplined is why he’s not graduating. she called me an asshole, and now i’m wondering if i am or not.
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<s>[INST] <<SYS>>
Classify the interpersonal conflict and explain your choice. Your choices are limited to you're the a**hole (yta) when the writer is causing the conflict, not the a**hole (nta) when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict, no a**holes here (nah) when no one is causing the conflict, everyone sucks here (esh) when everyone is causing the conflict, more information needed (info) when a classification cannot be made with the context provided.
<</SYS>>
my ex-wife gina and i have two kids. our daughter liv (17) stays with me, and our son tony (19) stays with her (tony was born in october, and liv was born in august, so even though they are almost two years apart in age, they are only one grade apart). we alternate weekends. for the record, both kids are perfectly healthy. liv is graduating in may, and tony is going to have to get a ged. it all started in ninth grade. in our state, students are required to take and pass two years of pe. they must be taken sequentially, as tenth grade pe is also driver’s ed. tony failed pe in ninth grade. i tried asking if there were any issues or anything, and he blew me off. it was a concern, but since he lived with his mom, i couldn’t do anything. she wouldn’t punish him herself. as tenth grade pe is also driver’s ed, and since tony failed ninth grade pe and thus could not take it the next year, gina wanted to put him in a private driver’s ed course. i said i wouldn’t help pay for it. he failed the course, let him wait a year. she couldn’t afford the $2000 on her own. we struck a deal, however. if tony would workout with me everyday for the summer or take a class at the ymca, i would pay half of the driver’s ed course because i would know he was working on his pe. he refused. in tenth grade, tony failed pe again. he did so for a third time in eleventh grade. now, this year was his last chance. the way our school system works is that if you can’t complete all required courses in high school within five years, you are referred to adult ed for a ged. tony’s grades are not great, and his pe grade is bad enough that even if he got straight a’s in it for each of the remaining grading periods, he would still fail the class. the guidance counsellor informed us today that he must be referred to adult ed at the end of the semester because, since pe is sequential, he cannot finish within five years. gina is upset, and she asked what were we going to do. i said i guess she’s paying for a ged because i’ve been trying for four years to help him. i reminded her that i offered at the beginning of the year to pay for him to take the course online and for a personal trainer to guide him. she said no and that it was too far. i said that she thought everything except patting him on the shoulder and saying, “it’s okay, honey,” was too far, and that her unwillingness to discipline him or let him be disciplined is why he’s not graduating. she called me an asshole, and now i’m wondering if i am or not. [/INST] esh because it seems like both of you are treating your kids like they only belong to one parent. you don't split kids up like the parent trap, they are both still your responsibility. what was the reason for you each taking one rather than having joint custody of both? </s>
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AITA for sending my sons teacher an accosting message?
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my husband (42m) and i (37f) first met our son’s (17m) history teacher at his open house, he is very clearly not our biological child. i am black and my husband has dark black hair while our son is white as a ghost and very blonde, she didn’t bring up him being adopted, some teachers did, so i assumed it wasn’t an interesting topic for her.
but recently i’ve seen that that assumption was wrong. in the class as a part of a “getting to know you” assignment she asked the kids to do a family tree and specifically singled out my son and told him to do his biological family instead of us. he told us about it and said he wasn’t going to listen and just do us and his siblings (one biological to him, one also adopted, and the other biologically ours). he came to us a few days later saying he had been going back in forth with the teacher because she gave him a 1/20 for not doing his bio family.
she then contacts me because he wasn’t listening to her, in one of her messages she calls my son a liar because he “misquoted” her by saying she said “real family” when she really said “biological family.” this is where i start to feel like an asshole, i told her i didn’t give enough of a fuck to play semantics with her and that she was a stupid bitch for saying that he didn’t follow instructions when no where does it state on the assignment instructions that it had to biological family she even said that people could include their pets, that’s not a biological family member. to me, he has no obligation to oblige by rules that *only* apply to him and serve no one any benefit.
i proceed to call her a stupid bitch again because a part of the assignment is talking about your families personalities, his bio mother passed away and his bio father went to prison when he was four and neither of them have attainable family members. so if he did do it her way half the assignment would be missing.
tldr: i am my son’s adoptive mother, he was assigned a family tree project his teacher asked (only him) that it be bio family only, he refused, she messaged me, i messaged her back calling her a stupid bitch multiple times.
| 2,755
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https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/wuzk09/aita_for_sending_my_sons_teacher_an_accosting/
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2022-08-22 17:22:15
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esh (except your son) - the language you used did nothing to help your son's position. you have a right to be mad, but if the teacher is acting in an unacceptable way she needs to be reprimanded through the school's disciplinary system. this means reporting her behaviour to a superior. no-one is going to take a complaint from you seriously if she has written evidence of you swearing at her and calling her names.
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nta, but maybe don't just resort to swearing at people. you had a valid point without being insulting. by no means does that make you the asshole since he is your child and you were defending him. maybe speak to the head of the school about unfair treatment to help with the grade?
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nta
and tbh, i'd have been swearing like a sailor, too. even before she decided to call him a liar. the facts of the matter are that she is several things:
&#x200b;
1. in the wrong for making an adopted, *loved* child write his bio family on his family tree when he clearly did not want to,
2. was going to try and make him get information on his bio parents who may or may not be a source of trauma to him,
3. more than likely has done this before.
&#x200b;
i would contact administration about it, and be up front with your own behavior.
&#x200b;
"\[son\]'s teacher, mrs. \[teacher's name\], told him that he could *not* use his adoptive family for his family tree when he has no information on his biological family, and in the eyes of the law, we *are* his family. i was cordial up until she called \[son\] a liar at which point, i became combative. he has received a low grade for doing what he felt was in his own best interest as he would not have been able to fill out the information for his bio family even if he had wanted to. her remarks have made it seem like we are not a real family. and she did this all in front of his peers, impressionable youths, potentially making him a target for bullying from them. and there is a possibility that she may have *other* adopted youths in her class that may or may not look like their parents either now or in the future, and she targeted \[son\] just because he is *visibly adopted*.
i apologize for my provoked behavior. i am quite protective of my son."
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funny story. when my friends adopted their son, the judge proclaimed that he was now considered blood and biological in the eyes of the law. therefore, your son very much so fulfilled his assignment by putting you and his siblings down as his family. how dare that teacher try to pull semantics on you like that.
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**esh** (except son)
calling her names - especially in email - will simply target your son with the admin & you are now listed as a problematic parent. this can get you banned from school property (or district properties).
her singling him out was something that should have been addressed with the principal by ccing him in an email & request a meeting with you, her, your son, & the principal. she most certain sucks for how she treated him but you shouldn’t have lost your temper. your ammunition would have been those emails to build a case against her but now she has emails against you instead.
trust me, i’ve played many a game with my twin sons high school for several years (it’s actually a junior/senior high school) & emails were always something i sent out to prove my point & use against the school.
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nta. i assume the teacher didn't ask every student to identify whether they were adopted, whether they were the result of a sperm donor, egg donor, surrogate mother, the result of an affair, etc. no, she's singled out your son because he is *visibly* adopted.
please bring this to the principal right away: her behavior is highly inappropriate and a teacher should never be in the business of dictating to their students who "counts" as family.
also, she missed out on an important teachable moment: most methods of creating family trees have symbols to indicate whether a relationship is biological or adopted. she should have taught the class how to properly indicate such things
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esh
sending her messages like that were out of line. you should have gone to the principle about that instead of being abusive.
she should not have singled him out like that either.
now if your son had really wanted to show her up he should have followed her instructions and walked in with a sheet of paper with just his name on it - and then told her "i don't know my biological family, and neither do i want to." and then still put in the complaint about her attitude.
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info: did you go to school administration? because that's what you should be doing.
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nta now i’ll admit, i almost always side with teachers because there’s so many “not my little angel” parents out there, but this makes my blood boil. what was he supposed to do if he didn’t know his biological parents? if they created such awful trauma that thinking about them created more? there is so much wrong with what she did here. take this higher and contact the principal and superintendent immediately. admit to them off the bat you lost your cool with her, explain the situation, and what you want done to rectify it (apology, assignment regraded, etc). good luck and so not the ah!!
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esh. she was clearly wrong, no doubt about that at all.
but that does not excuse you calling her a stupid bitch. there is a way to disagree and be assertive without resorting to name calling. that was childish, immature and sets a terrible example for your son.
this should be a problem for the principal to address, but you are now considered a difficult parent before even stepping foot in the principal’s office to discuss the problem.
i hope you both get scolded by the principal.
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ESH
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NTA
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NTA
| null |
ESH
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NTA
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ESH
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INFO
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NTA
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ESH
| 0.430388
|
Classify the interpersonal conflict and explain your choice. Your choices are limited to you're the a**hole (yta) when the writer is causing the conflict, not the a**hole (nta) when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict, no a**holes here (nah) when no one is causing the conflict, everyone sucks here (esh) when everyone is causing the conflict, more information needed (info) when a classification cannot be made with the context provided. Conflict context: my husband (42m) and i (37f) first met our son’s (17m) history teacher at his open house, he is very clearly not our biological child. i am black and my husband has dark black hair while our son is white as a ghost and very blonde, she didn’t bring up him being adopted, some teachers did, so i assumed it wasn’t an interesting topic for her. but recently i’ve seen that that assumption was wrong. in the class as a part of a “getting to know you” assignment she asked the kids to do a family tree and specifically singled out my son and told him to do his biological family instead of us. he told us about it and said he wasn’t going to listen and just do us and his siblings (one biological to him, one also adopted, and the other biologically ours). he came to us a few days later saying he had been going back in forth with the teacher because she gave him a 1/20 for not doing his bio family. she then contacts me because he wasn’t listening to her, in one of her messages she calls my son a liar because he “misquoted” her by saying she said “real family” when she really said “biological family.” this is where i start to feel like an asshole, i told her i didn’t give enough of a fuck to play semantics with her and that she was a stupid bitch for saying that he didn’t follow instructions when no where does it state on the assignment instructions that it had to biological family she even said that people could include their pets, that’s not a biological family member. to me, he has no obligation to oblige by rules that *only* apply to him and serve no one any benefit. i proceed to call her a stupid bitch again because a part of the assignment is talking about your families personalities, his bio mother passed away and his bio father went to prison when he was four and neither of them have attainable family members. so if he did do it her way half the assignment would be missing. tldr: i am my son’s adoptive mother, he was assigned a family tree project his teacher asked (only him) that it be bio family only, he refused, she messaged me, i messaged her back calling her a stupid bitch multiple times.
|
<s>[INST] <<SYS>>
Classify the interpersonal conflict and explain your choice. Your choices are limited to you're the a**hole (yta) when the writer is causing the conflict, not the a**hole (nta) when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict, no a**holes here (nah) when no one is causing the conflict, everyone sucks here (esh) when everyone is causing the conflict, more information needed (info) when a classification cannot be made with the context provided.
<</SYS>>
my husband (42m) and i (37f) first met our son’s (17m) history teacher at his open house, he is very clearly not our biological child. i am black and my husband has dark black hair while our son is white as a ghost and very blonde, she didn’t bring up him being adopted, some teachers did, so i assumed it wasn’t an interesting topic for her. but recently i’ve seen that that assumption was wrong. in the class as a part of a “getting to know you” assignment she asked the kids to do a family tree and specifically singled out my son and told him to do his biological family instead of us. he told us about it and said he wasn’t going to listen and just do us and his siblings (one biological to him, one also adopted, and the other biologically ours). he came to us a few days later saying he had been going back in forth with the teacher because she gave him a 1/20 for not doing his bio family. she then contacts me because he wasn’t listening to her, in one of her messages she calls my son a liar because he “misquoted” her by saying she said “real family” when she really said “biological family.” this is where i start to feel like an asshole, i told her i didn’t give enough of a fuck to play semantics with her and that she was a stupid bitch for saying that he didn’t follow instructions when no where does it state on the assignment instructions that it had to biological family she even said that people could include their pets, that’s not a biological family member. to me, he has no obligation to oblige by rules that *only* apply to him and serve no one any benefit. i proceed to call her a stupid bitch again because a part of the assignment is talking about your families personalities, his bio mother passed away and his bio father went to prison when he was four and neither of them have attainable family members. so if he did do it her way half the assignment would be missing. tldr: i am my son’s adoptive mother, he was assigned a family tree project his teacher asked (only him) that it be bio family only, he refused, she messaged me, i messaged her back calling her a stupid bitch multiple times. [/INST] esh (except your son) - the language you used did nothing to help your son's position. you have a right to be mad, but if the teacher is acting in an unacceptable way she needs to be reprimanded through the school's disciplinary system. this means reporting her behaviour to a superior. no-one is going to take a complaint from you seriously if she has written evidence of you swearing at her and calling her names. </s>
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AITA: For uninviting my sister to my wedding for what she told my fiancèe?
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my m27 fiancèe f25 has an obvious permanent burnscar from an accident that caused her mother (her only parent) to pass away from injury. my fiancèe had a long recovery it's been 7 years. the scar is on her collarbone. it goes down her chest but isn't showing. unless she's wearing scoop/square tops. she often wears hoodies/jackets to cover up. she puts this cream i don't know what ladies call it but it's supposed to tone skin color or something? i'm not sure but my fiancèe calls it foundation that is one degree brighter than her skin color. i absolutely adore her she's pretty, smart, ambitious and the list goes on. what happened was unfortunate and i'm glad she's at peace with herself and more confident.
my family love her. how can they not. she's a member of the family. my mom makes sure she takes part in every family function and things like shopping and decorating other things. however. my sister made comments about my fiancèe's scar several times. i've called her out on her behavior several times to get her to stop because she was hurting me before my fiancèe with her backhanded and insensitive
comments. i told my fiancèe she had everyright to cut my sister out and not deal with her bullshit but she has been forgiving and respectful of my entire family.
our wedding is in february. my fiancèe went shopping for the wedding dress. this is where the issue started:
my fiancèe showed the wedding dress to my sister. i didn't see it but i was told it was a spaghetti strap dress. my fiancèe likes this stuff. anyways my sister saw it and went nuts she started criticising her choice and said that she should've gotten a high nick or a jewel wedding dress to cover up the scar. she argued with my fiancèe about it. i went to my family's house and i confronted her. i yelled at her after she told me my fiancee needed to return the dress and get a "proper" one so that guests won't focus on her burnscar and use it as the topic of conversation and gossip. i told her that she's not invited to our wedding. she isn't welcome to my wedding with this entitled attitude of hers and her insensitivity and disrespect. we argued for half an hour then i left.
in exactly an hour. my mom and dad called and berated me saying my sister was crying after i uninvited her and that i had no right to univinte her. she's my sister and was just trying to help out and give an advice and avoid any "unnecessary" drama at the wedding. my mom said my fiancèe can keep the dress but suggested to wear a pridel shawl as a neutral solution. i stopped responding to my mom's calls and texts after that. family members were upset my sister was uninvited and wanted me to invite her again because this will make family look bad in front of outsiders and guests.
| 23,419
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https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/kspqdi/aita_for_uninviting_my_sister_to_my_wedding_for/
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2021-01-07 23:27:57
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nta. uninvite anyone who insults your fiancee, imo
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~~^(my m27 fiancèe f25 has an obvious permanent burnscar from an accident that caused her mother (her only parent to pass away from injury. my fiancèe had a long recovery it's been 7 years. the scar is on her collarbone. it goes down her chest but isn't showing. unless she's wearing scoop/square tops. she often wears hoodies/jackets to cover up. she puts this cream i don't know what ladies call it but it's supposed to tone skin color or something? i'm not sure but my fiancèe calls it foundation that is one degree brighter than her skin color. i absolutely adore her she's pretty, smart, ambitious and the list goes on. what happened was unfortunate and i'm glad she's at peace with herself and more confident.)~~
~~^(my family love her. how can they not. she's a member of the family. my mom makes sure she takes part in every family function and things like shopping and decorating other things. however)~~. **my sister made** ~~^(comments about my fiancèe's scar several times. i've called her out on her behavior several times to get her to stop because she was hurting me before my fiancèe with her backhanded and insensitive comments. i told my fiancèe she had everyright to cut my sister out and not deal with her bullshit but she has been forgiving and respectful of my entire family.)~~
~~^(our wedding is in february. my fiancèe went shopping for the wedding dress. this is where the issue started. my fiancèe showed the wedding dress to my sister. i didn't see it but i was told it was a spaghetti strap dress. my fiancèe likes this stuff. anyways my sister saw it and went nuts she started criticising her choice and said that she should've gotten a high nick or a jewel wedding dress to cover up the scar. she argued with my fiancèe about it. i went to my family's house and i confronted her. i yelled at her after she told me my fiancee needed to return the dress and get a "proper" one so that guests won't focus on her burnscar and use it as the topic if conversation and gossip. i told her that she's not invited to our wedding. she isn't welcome to my with this entitled attitude if hers and her insensitivity and disrespect. we argued for half an hour then i left.)~~
~~^(in exactly an hour. my mom and add called and berated me saying my sister was crying after i invited her and that i had no right to univinte her. she's my sister and was just trying to help out and give an advice and avoid any ")~~**unnecessary**~~^(")~~ **drama** ~~^(at the wedding. my mom said my fiancèe can keep the dress but suggested to wear a pridel shawl as a neutral solution. i stopped responding to my mom's calls and texts after that. family members were upset my sister was uninvited and wanted me to invite her again)~~.
**nta**
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nta. your mom is ridiculous to suggest your fiancée needs to compromise with anyone on her wedding dress.
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what a small person your sister is. your fiancee's burn scar is a badge of courage. i work in surgery, and i've done many many burn reconstructions ... that is no easy road to go down, and your fiancee should be praised for going through all that and coming out the other side with her gracious nature intact.
your sister owes you and your fiancee a huge apology. your mother can offer one as well. this 'eww' factor is childish and reprehensible.
nta, at all.
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nta! i am a burn survivor my scars are on my chest and upper arm, i can't begin to explain the mental toll that these so called helpful comments have on a person. i have had people pull my blouse closed over my scars "because they were showing" or suggest what i should and shouldn't wear because of them. i have had comments about how at least it didn't damage my face and i can hide my scars. it took years to be okay with my scars.
what your family is doing is abusive and psychologically damaging. your sister is not being helpful she is being cruel and your parents need a huge wake up call if they think this cruelty is acceptable. you are right to put your foot down and not allow your sister or anyone else to abuse your fiancé under the guise of being helpful.
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nta- um, why the fuck would they think they can tell the bride to wear anything over her dress?! especially as a “compromise”?! ummmmmmm who are they to dictate?! this makes me boil that they feel they can tell her to cover up her scar. jesus. disgusting.
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nta.
you and your fiancé are the only people with the right to invite or uninvite someone. and it’s not for your mother to offer a compromise on something that’s nothing to do with her or your sister.
the best lesson i ever learned in my life was to put clear boundaries of when my family get a say in something in my life. and that boundary is never. cause it’s my life, not theirs.
nta.
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nta
if your fiancée wants to wear a spaghetti strap wedding dress, then she has every right to.
those who think it’s ok to gossip and make derogatory comments (including your sister) about her scar need a good look at themselves.
your sister isn’t looking out for your fiancée, she’s looking out for herself because she is embarrassed “on behalf of your fiancée” who doesn’t care about it herself.
side note: i think you mean *concealer*
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nta. your sister was being malicious and hateful, not “helpful”. your mother further compounded the problem by suggesting your fiancé is “allowed” to keep the dress she selected if she covers it up with a shawl? your fiancé’s bodily autonomy is not a debate or democracy. your family was not asked for and does not get a vote. most importantly, nobody should be present at a wedding when they don’t actually accept the person being married for who they are - scar or no scar.
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nta.
if your sister is so upset about the scar that she feels the need to argue with the bride over the wedding dress, then she should absolutely not be welcome. at this rate she'd would definitely make comments about it at the wedding, and doesn't see how inappropriate that is.
your mother's suggestion to "compromise" is rude as fuck too.
thank you for being so supportive of your fiancee. i'm sure it's one of the many reasons she loves you! congrats btw!
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
| 0
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Classify the interpersonal conflict and explain your choice. Your choices are limited to you're the a**hole (yta) when the writer is causing the conflict, not the a**hole (nta) when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict, no a**holes here (nah) when no one is causing the conflict, everyone sucks here (esh) when everyone is causing the conflict, more information needed (info) when a classification cannot be made with the context provided. Conflict context: my m27 fiancèe f25 has an obvious permanent burnscar from an accident that caused her mother (her only parent) to pass away from injury. my fiancèe had a long recovery it's been 7 years. the scar is on her collarbone. it goes down her chest but isn't showing. unless she's wearing scoop/square tops. she often wears hoodies/jackets to cover up. she puts this cream i don't know what ladies call it but it's supposed to tone skin color or something? i'm not sure but my fiancèe calls it foundation that is one degree brighter than her skin color. i absolutely adore her she's pretty, smart, ambitious and the list goes on. what happened was unfortunate and i'm glad she's at peace with herself and more confident. my family love her. how can they not. she's a member of the family. my mom makes sure she takes part in every family function and things like shopping and decorating other things. however. my sister made comments about my fiancèe's scar several times. i've called her out on her behavior several times to get her to stop because she was hurting me before my fiancèe with her backhanded and insensitive comments. i told my fiancèe she had everyright to cut my sister out and not deal with her bullshit but she has been forgiving and respectful of my entire family. our wedding is in february. my fiancèe went shopping for the wedding dress. this is where the issue started: my fiancèe showed the wedding dress to my sister. i didn't see it but i was told it was a spaghetti strap dress. my fiancèe likes this stuff. anyways my sister saw it and went nuts she started criticising her choice and said that she should've gotten a high nick or a jewel wedding dress to cover up the scar. she argued with my fiancèe about it. i went to my family's house and i confronted her. i yelled at her after she told me my fiancee needed to return the dress and get a "proper" one so that guests won't focus on her burnscar and use it as the topic of conversation and gossip. i told her that she's not invited to our wedding. she isn't welcome to my wedding with this entitled attitude of hers and her insensitivity and disrespect. we argued for half an hour then i left. in exactly an hour. my mom and dad called and berated me saying my sister was crying after i uninvited her and that i had no right to univinte her. she's my sister and was just trying to help out and give an advice and avoid any "unnecessary" drama at the wedding. my mom said my fiancèe can keep the dress but suggested to wear a pridel shawl as a neutral solution. i stopped responding to my mom's calls and texts after that. family members were upset my sister was uninvited and wanted me to invite her again because this will make family look bad in front of outsiders and guests.
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<s>[INST] <<SYS>>
Classify the interpersonal conflict and explain your choice. Your choices are limited to you're the a**hole (yta) when the writer is causing the conflict, not the a**hole (nta) when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict, no a**holes here (nah) when no one is causing the conflict, everyone sucks here (esh) when everyone is causing the conflict, more information needed (info) when a classification cannot be made with the context provided.
<</SYS>>
my m27 fiancèe f25 has an obvious permanent burnscar from an accident that caused her mother (her only parent) to pass away from injury. my fiancèe had a long recovery it's been 7 years. the scar is on her collarbone. it goes down her chest but isn't showing. unless she's wearing scoop/square tops. she often wears hoodies/jackets to cover up. she puts this cream i don't know what ladies call it but it's supposed to tone skin color or something? i'm not sure but my fiancèe calls it foundation that is one degree brighter than her skin color. i absolutely adore her she's pretty, smart, ambitious and the list goes on. what happened was unfortunate and i'm glad she's at peace with herself and more confident. my family love her. how can they not. she's a member of the family. my mom makes sure she takes part in every family function and things like shopping and decorating other things. however. my sister made comments about my fiancèe's scar several times. i've called her out on her behavior several times to get her to stop because she was hurting me before my fiancèe with her backhanded and insensitive comments. i told my fiancèe she had everyright to cut my sister out and not deal with her bullshit but she has been forgiving and respectful of my entire family. our wedding is in february. my fiancèe went shopping for the wedding dress. this is where the issue started: my fiancèe showed the wedding dress to my sister. i didn't see it but i was told it was a spaghetti strap dress. my fiancèe likes this stuff. anyways my sister saw it and went nuts she started criticising her choice and said that she should've gotten a high nick or a jewel wedding dress to cover up the scar. she argued with my fiancèe about it. i went to my family's house and i confronted her. i yelled at her after she told me my fiancee needed to return the dress and get a "proper" one so that guests won't focus on her burnscar and use it as the topic of conversation and gossip. i told her that she's not invited to our wedding. she isn't welcome to my wedding with this entitled attitude of hers and her insensitivity and disrespect. we argued for half an hour then i left. in exactly an hour. my mom and dad called and berated me saying my sister was crying after i uninvited her and that i had no right to univinte her. she's my sister and was just trying to help out and give an advice and avoid any "unnecessary" drama at the wedding. my mom said my fiancèe can keep the dress but suggested to wear a pridel shawl as a neutral solution. i stopped responding to my mom's calls and texts after that. family members were upset my sister was uninvited and wanted me to invite her again because this will make family look bad in front of outsiders and guests. [/INST] nta. uninvite anyone who insults your fiancee, imo </s>
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AITA for being completely honest to my biological parents about how my childhood was really awful?
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i was given up for adoption right after i was born.
unfortunately my adoption didn't work out and i grew up in foster care until i turned 18.
i'm now 19 and in college.
in february, i got a facebook message from a man claiming to be my father. we messaged back and forth and while i kept a lot of my childhood details private, we did make plans to meet him and my mother. they weren't married to each other by the way.
when i got to the restaurant, i was very shocked and honestly upset to find my father and mother had brought their spouses, as well as their children to surprise me. my father's mother, so my grandmother was also there.
i was already feeling very emotional about the whole thing and seeing everyone there didn't help.
so i sat through an hour of listening to them sharing all about their lives while i fake smiled through everything. honestly, i felt very jealous that they had kids they really loved and how they all had really happy lives after ditching me.
then they started asking about me and my parents, and how my facebook gave very little away about my life.
i basically lost it and started crying like a little bitch (lol) and told them how shitty my adoptive parents were and how shitty foster life was.
i was pretty snarky and sarcastic when i said that i'm glad their lives worked out for them because mine sure as hell didn't.
i couldn't stop crying and my father had to drop me back home. he was very apologetic.
i feel very shitty about it. i made my mother and father cry at the restaurant. they were really nice people.
i got a few messages from my mother and father separately where they've been apologizing and if they could make it up to me.
my mother in particular seems really upset by everything and i hate that i may have messed up her happy life. her last message basically said that she's been unable to sleep and wants to see me again.
i've been ignoring their messages and just been focusing on school instead.
aita? maybe i should've been more honest before the meetup.
| 24,983
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https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/jqxhqc/aita_for_being_completely_honest_to_my_biological/
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2020-11-09 13:22:09
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nah. you have a right to your life. and they have probably spent the last 19 years clinging to the idea that you had a better life then they could give you - being hit by the reality that their happiness now is built the opportunities they had by condemning you to misery has probably hurt them quite a bit, but thats not your fault.
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>when i got to the restaurant, i was very shocked and honestly upset to find my father and mother had brought their spouses, as well as their children to surprise me. my father's mother, so my grandmother was also there.
nta. bringing their families with them must have felt like a kick on the teeth because it was a glimpse of something you never had. it was too much to soon. i can completely understand why this was overwhelming.
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hey, i hope you’re alright. this sounds massively complex and as if there is a lot of trauma.
i don’t think this is a case for this sub, please reach out to a friend, maybe your uni campus has a psychologist you could speak to?
wishing you all the best, an internet stranger.
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nta!!! you were completely blindsided and i don’t understand how your birth givers couldn’t foresee that being an overwhelming and totally inappropriate thing to spring on a child they fucking abandoned.
glad they were apologetic about it. before you reach back out, consider what you want from your relationship with them, and how seeing them makes you feel. it might be best to talk one on one only for awhile, or maybe to even write to each other.
you get to choose how you make your own family and at what pace
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your birth parents made a mistake by surprising you with their extended families. you were rightfully upset by this. it doesn't sound like they did it maliciously and they have both apologized for it. your feelings of resentment and abandonment are absolutely valid. you were right to be honest with them about your childhood and your feelings towards them.
there are nah.
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nah
the truth was harsh regardless of how you put it. plus, it was bound to come up if you tried to continue a conversation with them.
they had their reasons for giving you up and that doesn’t make them an ah, nor does it invalidate your feelings
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nta. it’s possible that there are no assholes here, but even very nice people that are so stupidly unaware of how blitzing you with the bio family you never knew might backfire absolutely deserve to be made uncomfortable.
if you want to try again under better controlled circumstances (maybe one parent at a time), great! if you don’t, great! you are under no obligation to make them feel comfortable with the choices that they’ve made.
i second what others have said here - please make sure to take care of yourself and find support. no doubt there are plenty (too many) people who have experienced a difficult upbringing and found their place in the world.
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nta
you were ambushed.
they created a cosy world for you on their head, assuming that trying to give you a better life by giving you up as a baby you had a hallmark movies life. it never occurred to them that it would be otherwise. the meeting was to assuage their guilt and not really about you.
don't feel guilty. if they had the sensitivity of a brick they would have met you 1 on 1 or 2 on 1 and found out about your life before talking about their great family and flaunting it before you.
put yourself first. nurture yourself. do school so you can support your self.
have you seen how many times i puy 'yourself' in that paragraph? you have to be your number 1 because you cannot rely on anyone else yet.
leave the door open to these people but let them know that you can't deal with them today or next week. send them an xmas card each year till you are ready if you want. but have no regrets about telling your truth. don't let the manipulate you into soft soaping your experiences to make then feel better.
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nah.
you would never have been able to move on and potentially pursue a relationship with these individuals without airing the shit first. it is hard. i can share some level of empathy because my partner didn't have one of their parents in their life for a long while and my partner had a few of these conversations with the parent when we got back in touch recently.
from my experience there are a few things you need to figure out and accept.
1. do you wan't to try and have a relationship with these people?
2. set clear and hard boundaries. for example be clear you want to meet them without the whole family.
3. understand the grandparents may see things very differently and just want a relationship with you and have always wanted a relationship with you. putting you up for adoption was unlikely to be their decision.
4. understand you will never have the childhood your half siblings have. also understand that you entering your half siblings lives may be a stressor for them. they haven't have it as hard as you but what one person thinks is hard is relative to their previous experiences so try and cut them some slack if they ever lash out at you appearing in their lives.
5. linked to the previous, accept that you will never have that childhood. whether you chose to pursue a relationship or not that childhood is gone. thats the hand you were dealt and it sucks and they are sorry but it cannot be changed. if you will resent them indefinitely for that then you will never be able to foster a relationship. the cards you have just been dealt are those that would allow you access to two new families and to be a child to your biological parents even if you are a bit late to the party.
6. therapy. the first thing they can do to make up for everything and if they want a relationship is to pay for councelling. you have been through some shit and this is the best place to start. solo therapy is probably for the best to begin with. group therapy may be helpful int he future to make sure they understand.
7. the first meeting is always the hardest. the fact they are messaging you apologising shows that they aren't angry they are just sorry. i appreciate that with where you have been it must be hard to trust people or let them in but give them a shot.
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nta, to begin with they shouldn't have brought their families. then they went on to say how great their lives were. tbh just reading it feels like a slap in the face.
that's not to say that you should stay away from them though, but that's completely your choice. if they don't like it, all i can say is that it's their fault for overwhelming you at the meetup.
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NAH
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NTA
| null |
NTA
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NAH
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NAH
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NTA
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NTA
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NAH
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NTA
| 0.012269
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Classify the interpersonal conflict and explain your choice. Your choices are limited to you're the a**hole (yta) when the writer is causing the conflict, not the a**hole (nta) when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict, no a**holes here (nah) when no one is causing the conflict, everyone sucks here (esh) when everyone is causing the conflict, more information needed (info) when a classification cannot be made with the context provided. Conflict context: i was given up for adoption right after i was born. unfortunately my adoption didn't work out and i grew up in foster care until i turned 18. i'm now 19 and in college. in february, i got a facebook message from a man claiming to be my father. we messaged back and forth and while i kept a lot of my childhood details private, we did make plans to meet him and my mother. they weren't married to each other by the way. when i got to the restaurant, i was very shocked and honestly upset to find my father and mother had brought their spouses, as well as their children to surprise me. my father's mother, so my grandmother was also there. i was already feeling very emotional about the whole thing and seeing everyone there didn't help. so i sat through an hour of listening to them sharing all about their lives while i fake smiled through everything. honestly, i felt very jealous that they had kids they really loved and how they all had really happy lives after ditching me. then they started asking about me and my parents, and how my facebook gave very little away about my life. i basically lost it and started crying like a little bitch (lol) and told them how shitty my adoptive parents were and how shitty foster life was. i was pretty snarky and sarcastic when i said that i'm glad their lives worked out for them because mine sure as hell didn't. i couldn't stop crying and my father had to drop me back home. he was very apologetic. i feel very shitty about it. i made my mother and father cry at the restaurant. they were really nice people. i got a few messages from my mother and father separately where they've been apologizing and if they could make it up to me. my mother in particular seems really upset by everything and i hate that i may have messed up her happy life. her last message basically said that she's been unable to sleep and wants to see me again. i've been ignoring their messages and just been focusing on school instead. aita? maybe i should've been more honest before the meetup.
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<s>[INST] <<SYS>>
Classify the interpersonal conflict and explain your choice. Your choices are limited to you're the a**hole (yta) when the writer is causing the conflict, not the a**hole (nta) when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict, no a**holes here (nah) when no one is causing the conflict, everyone sucks here (esh) when everyone is causing the conflict, more information needed (info) when a classification cannot be made with the context provided.
<</SYS>>
i was given up for adoption right after i was born. unfortunately my adoption didn't work out and i grew up in foster care until i turned 18. i'm now 19 and in college. in february, i got a facebook message from a man claiming to be my father. we messaged back and forth and while i kept a lot of my childhood details private, we did make plans to meet him and my mother. they weren't married to each other by the way. when i got to the restaurant, i was very shocked and honestly upset to find my father and mother had brought their spouses, as well as their children to surprise me. my father's mother, so my grandmother was also there. i was already feeling very emotional about the whole thing and seeing everyone there didn't help. so i sat through an hour of listening to them sharing all about their lives while i fake smiled through everything. honestly, i felt very jealous that they had kids they really loved and how they all had really happy lives after ditching me. then they started asking about me and my parents, and how my facebook gave very little away about my life. i basically lost it and started crying like a little bitch (lol) and told them how shitty my adoptive parents were and how shitty foster life was. i was pretty snarky and sarcastic when i said that i'm glad their lives worked out for them because mine sure as hell didn't. i couldn't stop crying and my father had to drop me back home. he was very apologetic. i feel very shitty about it. i made my mother and father cry at the restaurant. they were really nice people. i got a few messages from my mother and father separately where they've been apologizing and if they could make it up to me. my mother in particular seems really upset by everything and i hate that i may have messed up her happy life. her last message basically said that she's been unable to sleep and wants to see me again. i've been ignoring their messages and just been focusing on school instead. aita? maybe i should've been more honest before the meetup. [/INST] nah. you have a right to your life. and they have probably spent the last 19 years clinging to the idea that you had a better life then they could give you - being hit by the reality that their happiness now is built the opportunities they had by condemning you to misery has probably hurt them quite a bit, but thats not your fault. </s>
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AITA for telling my cousin she would have to pay rent if she moves in with me even though I don’t pay any rent?
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i live rent free in a house owned by my ex’s dad. the only reason i live here for free is because it’s part of my childcare agreement with my ex and it was their way of making sure i continued to live nearby.
my cousin asked if she could live with me as she recently got a job in this city. there’s enough space for her and her daughter so i told her she could but she would have to pay rent. even though my ex’s family is doing a nice thing for me, they’re only doing it because it benefits them and i doubt my ex or his family will be okay with her moving in for free.
she accused me of trying to make a profit from her as she knows i live here rent free. she doesn’t believe my ex or his family will be unhappy with her moving in for free but i do so i told her she either agreed to pay rent or she couldn’t move in.
our family is divided so... aita?
| 1,015
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https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/z3pnal/aita_for_telling_my_cousin_she_would_have_to_pay/
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2022-11-24 17:25:40
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info: you don't own the house so how can you authorize someone else to move in, whether or not they pay rent?
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your ex's dad should be the one to decide if and under what circumstance your cousin can live with you. it's not your house!
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info: who would she be paying rent to?
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yta it’s not up to you to decide if they can move in at all. that’s entirely up to your ex’s dad. you need to bring it up with them first.
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info: does the ex's family even know shes moving in? because the contract needs to come from them, since its very specific circumstances that makes you able to live there. i doubt youre allowed to rent out rooms.
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nta but i'd tell her to forget about it. if she moves in you will either have trouble with her or the ex's family. she will be resentful and likely have a bad attitude if she does pay, and you risk using up goodwill or slack you are getting from the ex's family if she doesn't, even if they somehow agree to her not paying rent.
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maybe it should be your ex or his family the ones who decide if she needs or doesn't need to pay rent. also, it would be ridiculous if she payed rent to you, as it's not your house. this needs more info.
if she doesn't need to pay rent to them, then, she shouldn't be paying rent to you. she could help with other things in the house, however.
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yta it's not your home to rent, it belongs to your ex's dad who allows you to live there.
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info: have you actually talked to them? or are you just claiming to know by way of mind reading and demanding money. also who do you think her money should go to? because the answer definitely isn’t you. does that change your motivations at all? if so then you’re asking her for rent for the wrong reasons.
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yta if that money would be going to you. it’s not your place to rent out. if ex’s family would like rent money paid, that’s totally reasonable and a completely different story.
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INFO
| null |
INFO
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YTA
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INFO
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NTA
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INFO
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YTA
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INFO
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YTA
| 0.380228
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Classify the interpersonal conflict and explain your choice. Your choices are limited to you're the a**hole (yta) when the writer is causing the conflict, not the a**hole (nta) when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict, no a**holes here (nah) when no one is causing the conflict, everyone sucks here (esh) when everyone is causing the conflict, more information needed (info) when a classification cannot be made with the context provided. Conflict context: i live rent free in a house owned by my ex’s dad. the only reason i live here for free is because it’s part of my childcare agreement with my ex and it was their way of making sure i continued to live nearby. my cousin asked if she could live with me as she recently got a job in this city. there’s enough space for her and her daughter so i told her she could but she would have to pay rent. even though my ex’s family is doing a nice thing for me, they’re only doing it because it benefits them and i doubt my ex or his family will be okay with her moving in for free. she accused me of trying to make a profit from her as she knows i live here rent free. she doesn’t believe my ex or his family will be unhappy with her moving in for free but i do so i told her she either agreed to pay rent or she couldn’t move in. our family is divided so... aita?
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<s>[INST] <<SYS>>
Classify the interpersonal conflict and explain your choice. Your choices are limited to you're the a**hole (yta) when the writer is causing the conflict, not the a**hole (nta) when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict, no a**holes here (nah) when no one is causing the conflict, everyone sucks here (esh) when everyone is causing the conflict, more information needed (info) when a classification cannot be made with the context provided.
<</SYS>>
i live rent free in a house owned by my ex’s dad. the only reason i live here for free is because it’s part of my childcare agreement with my ex and it was their way of making sure i continued to live nearby. my cousin asked if she could live with me as she recently got a job in this city. there’s enough space for her and her daughter so i told her she could but she would have to pay rent. even though my ex’s family is doing a nice thing for me, they’re only doing it because it benefits them and i doubt my ex or his family will be okay with her moving in for free. she accused me of trying to make a profit from her as she knows i live here rent free. she doesn’t believe my ex or his family will be unhappy with her moving in for free but i do so i told her she either agreed to pay rent or she couldn’t move in. our family is divided so... aita? [/INST] info: you don't own the house so how can you authorize someone else to move in, whether or not they pay rent? </s>
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AITA for being upset that my wife told me she hated the necklace my kids and I picked out for her for Mother's Day?
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a little background, i hadn't gotten my wife jewelry in a long time. we don't have a lot of expendable income. this year we had some extra money, so i thought for mother's day, i would suprise her with a family necklace with our kid's birthstones in it. the birth order of our kids would make the stones opal, sapphire, sapphire. after i start searching designs, she announces that this is what she wants for mother's day. since i already found a design i liked and the kids liked, i showed her in private, she says she hates it. fair enough, money has not been spent, i ask her to give me some ideas of what she likes. she sends me a couple designs. i work with the kids, try to place the stones s, o, s to give the stones variation, my oldest is upset and wants the stones to be in birth order. i find a design that looks nice (one that she sent) and lay the stones out in birth order so my kids can feel like they designed it as well. order the necklace, am happy to suprise her with it. she gets it on mother's day, complains that the chain is too thin (no shit, it is the free chain, that can be fixed). then, when kids are gone, tells me she hates it, it looks like a set of blue balls and she won't wear it. now i am in the process of going through the return and feeling like i don't ever want to buy her a piece of jewelry again. aita for being upset that she acted like it was total piece of trash? it was not a cheap necklace and it looked good in my opinion.
edit 1: wow. this definitely blew up more than i ever thought it would. it definitely has given me perspective on the whole thing and hearkens back to some communication issues that exist in our marriage. thanks for all the replies, there is definitely some work that needs to be done between the two of us.
| 5,328
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https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/bojppq/aita_for_being_upset_that_my_wife_told_me_she/
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2019-05-14 14:35:37
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esh. look, i want to tell you nta, but i would not wear a necklace that's unbalanced either. i get that your kids wanted birth order, but man that would be ugly, or at least it would be for a very particular taste. she isn't taking it in the spirit it was intended, but your kids suck at jewelry design.
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esh- more you than her. she told you what she liked and you kept going back to what you (and the kids) liked. she’s not feeling heard and she’s the one who has to wear the necklace. she could’ve been more gentle in communicating her dislike for it, but she mostly did it without the kids there.
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info, why did the kids get so insistent on their opinions about a gift that wasn’t even for them? i get that they’re involved here to an extent but she’s the one wearing it, why did you pick their idea over what she liked?
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i mean, you found a design you and your kids liked? its mothers day not dad & kids day. she was pretty clear about what she wanted and you still chose to ignore what she wanted if im reading this correctly. nah because its honestly not that big of a deal, but you shouldnt act like shes an asshole for being honest and not wanting yall to waste money on something shes never going to wear. next time just show her what you’re getting before you get it. takes the surprise away a little but just make a little gift bag to put it in with a few small items and/or candy she likes and it will still be a nice surprise.
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esh but you suck more. your wife should not have complained about the chain or anything in front of the kids, she sucks for that.
you suck because you could have easily had a little teaching moment with your kid about how gifts are for the person they're being given to, and the order of the stones (s, o, s) was what mom wanted, so even if they wanted a different order it was better to give a gift that mom would like more.
two stones of the same color and a different one on the end does sound like it would look weird to me. your wife specifically told you what she'd prefer and now you're surprised that she's unhappy you didn't listen to her?
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[deleted]
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yta. you asked her what she liked and then completely ignored it. it’s not like she hated the whole idea of a birthstone necklace, she just wanted the stones to look nice. i wouldn’t want to wear a pair of blue balls on my neck either.
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yta. your wife's first jewelry gift in years and you're holding it hostage to the children's whims? this should have been a teachable moment for them about gift-giving and consideration for the wearer.
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yta for making your wife the bad guy on mother's day and completely creating this situation by not listening to her input.
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esh, but you suck more. would you rather she wear something she hates and waste your money rather than return it? also, do people still do the birthstone thing?
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ESH
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ESH
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INFO
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NAH
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ESH
| null |
YTA
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YTA
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YTA
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ESH
| 0.117851
|
Classify the interpersonal conflict and explain your choice. Your choices are limited to you're the a**hole (yta) when the writer is causing the conflict, not the a**hole (nta) when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict, no a**holes here (nah) when no one is causing the conflict, everyone sucks here (esh) when everyone is causing the conflict, more information needed (info) when a classification cannot be made with the context provided. Conflict context: a little background, i hadn't gotten my wife jewelry in a long time. we don't have a lot of expendable income. this year we had some extra money, so i thought for mother's day, i would suprise her with a family necklace with our kid's birthstones in it. the birth order of our kids would make the stones opal, sapphire, sapphire. after i start searching designs, she announces that this is what she wants for mother's day. since i already found a design i liked and the kids liked, i showed her in private, she says she hates it. fair enough, money has not been spent, i ask her to give me some ideas of what she likes. she sends me a couple designs. i work with the kids, try to place the stones s, o, s to give the stones variation, my oldest is upset and wants the stones to be in birth order. i find a design that looks nice (one that she sent) and lay the stones out in birth order so my kids can feel like they designed it as well. order the necklace, am happy to suprise her with it. she gets it on mother's day, complains that the chain is too thin (no shit, it is the free chain, that can be fixed). then, when kids are gone, tells me she hates it, it looks like a set of blue balls and she won't wear it. now i am in the process of going through the return and feeling like i don't ever want to buy her a piece of jewelry again. aita for being upset that she acted like it was total piece of trash? it was not a cheap necklace and it looked good in my opinion. edit 1: wow. this definitely blew up more than i ever thought it would. it definitely has given me perspective on the whole thing and hearkens back to some communication issues that exist in our marriage. thanks for all the replies, there is definitely some work that needs to be done between the two of us.
|
<s>[INST] <<SYS>>
Classify the interpersonal conflict and explain your choice. Your choices are limited to you're the a**hole (yta) when the writer is causing the conflict, not the a**hole (nta) when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict, no a**holes here (nah) when no one is causing the conflict, everyone sucks here (esh) when everyone is causing the conflict, more information needed (info) when a classification cannot be made with the context provided.
<</SYS>>
a little background, i hadn't gotten my wife jewelry in a long time. we don't have a lot of expendable income. this year we had some extra money, so i thought for mother's day, i would suprise her with a family necklace with our kid's birthstones in it. the birth order of our kids would make the stones opal, sapphire, sapphire. after i start searching designs, she announces that this is what she wants for mother's day. since i already found a design i liked and the kids liked, i showed her in private, she says she hates it. fair enough, money has not been spent, i ask her to give me some ideas of what she likes. she sends me a couple designs. i work with the kids, try to place the stones s, o, s to give the stones variation, my oldest is upset and wants the stones to be in birth order. i find a design that looks nice (one that she sent) and lay the stones out in birth order so my kids can feel like they designed it as well. order the necklace, am happy to suprise her with it. she gets it on mother's day, complains that the chain is too thin (no shit, it is the free chain, that can be fixed). then, when kids are gone, tells me she hates it, it looks like a set of blue balls and she won't wear it. now i am in the process of going through the return and feeling like i don't ever want to buy her a piece of jewelry again. aita for being upset that she acted like it was total piece of trash? it was not a cheap necklace and it looked good in my opinion. edit 1: wow. this definitely blew up more than i ever thought it would. it definitely has given me perspective on the whole thing and hearkens back to some communication issues that exist in our marriage. thanks for all the replies, there is definitely some work that needs to be done between the two of us. [/INST] esh. look, i want to tell you nta, but i would not wear a necklace that's unbalanced either. i get that your kids wanted birth order, but man that would be ugly, or at least it would be for a very particular taste. she isn't taking it in the spirit it was intended, but your kids suck at jewelry design. </s>
|
AITA for leaving my dogs in the car?
|
i bought a ticket to a concert on 9/14 like 3 months ago. i knew the show would start at 9 and i got off at 7 so i planned to leave my dogs with a sitter after work. well, they were exposed to kennel cough at the dog park and have been sick all month and are in quarantine, so no sitters or daycare or dog parks. they’ve been on medication for a week now and both feel better, but they are still needy and i didn’t want to leave them alone from 7-1am (venue is about 70 miles away). so i checked the temperature for the night—65 degrees—and decided to bring them with. they love the car and they were psyched to get to go on a ride.
anyway we went for a walk after i parked at the venue, i gave them a drink and made sure they were comfortable with their blankets, toys, and a rawhide each. i left them there at 8:45. the show lasted until 11:30 and i was back to the car (parked 1/2 mile from venue) by 11:45.
there were two people tapping the windows of my car and when they saw me they got aggro. i was shocked by how aggressive the conversation started. they immediately started screaming at me for leaving the dogs to wait. i said “they love being in the car” because they do. a lot more than sitting home alone. they immediately said “no dog likes to be in the car!” and then said some more ugly insults and names. i just got in my car and got away from them asap so i couldn’t take the dogs out again like i planned.
frankly i have never encountered strangers acting like this. i’m thinking it would have been justified if they were left in the sun, or left all day…but they were just sleeping. they weren’t in distress at all. it wasn’t hot or cold.
but these people were so incredibly enraged that i’m wondering if there is something i don’t know? is it generally accepted that no dog should ever be left in the car for any reason? the only thing that distressed them was strangers screaming and hitting the car.
| 631
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https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/xg899e/aita_for_leaving_my_dogs_in_the_car/
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2022-09-17 00:54:52
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info: if your toddler loved car rides, and it was nice and cool out, would you leave them in the car with a snack and the window cracked during your concert?
your answer should be “omg no i would *never* do that!” - then why is it different for your dogs???
yta
|
you didn't want them to be alone.... so you left them alone, but in a car where they could easily be taken? yta. i genuinely want to know what your thought process was here. how was alone in the car better than alone at home?
|
i am going to say, based on how you described the temperature conditions, the duration of time and the measures you took to care for the dogs, nta.
in the state where i live (maryland) this would not violate [any laws concerning leaving animals in the car. ](https://law.justia.com/codes/maryland/2016/transportation/title-21/subtitle-10/section-21-1004.1) they were not in any danger of overheating or suffocating and were not left there long enough to get dehydrated or starve.
the people hassling you about it were psychos.
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nta. cars overheat when it's sunny out, not in the dark. your dogs were fine. it amazes me that people are just champing at the bit to call someone a monster for doing a perfectly reasonable thing.
also, reddit: why are so many of y'all cool with hating babies, but one whiff of "maybe-possibly-but-probably-not endangering a dog" whips you into a howling froth? sincerely curious.
|
yta
that's a looooong time to leave multiple dogs in a car.
i also don't understand how them being ill recently meant you couldn't have a sitter come to your house. or even just a friend.
|
nta and i’m seriously concerned about peoples reading comprehension and understanding of how temperature works.
sorry some assholes tapped on your window and disrupted your sleeping dogs.
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outside temp of 73 and higher is when you can't leave them in. and of course, there are other considerations such as how the dogs feel when they are in there and your situation seems okay. plus leaven windows somewhat down and access to water is important. nta.
|
this reminds me of a fb post is aw of a picture of a husky lying in the snow. the poster took it to send to her neighbor, who was constantly complaining that they left their huskies outside when it was too cold out. her dogs are huskies, they are built for the cold, they like the cold.
you come across a responsible owner, and took their needs and safety in consideration before making this decision. nta. i had a yellow lab/bloodhound mix, lloyd, omg, 15 years ago now. he was my best friend, we did everything together. he would have absolutely preferred i do this with him on a weather safe night than leave him home.
|
nta. you know your own dogs better than complete strangers.
we have a guy in our area who takes his dog every where, loves him up, introduces him to strangers he meets like he's a person. the guy rides a motorcycle and his dog rides in the side car. they both have matching helmets and he has a harness for his canine friend that keeps him safely in place while they ride. the dog loves that sidecar better than you or i could love a human baby.
i have seen several times when ignorant do gooders would hover around his vehicle, tap their toes, act outraged and take pictures of his dog with their cell. you can tell they're just foaming at the mouth to get in a fight with him when he comes out of the grocery store (this is mostly where we cross paths).
every single time it happens he comes out of the store with a cold bottle of water, dog treats and his little bag of groceries and unchains his dog to drink and eat his treats. usually, he just ignores the shit show the other person is putting on but i have seen a couple of situations where the other person, usually a woman, was so verbally aggressive the dog though his human friend was in danger. i've even seen one situation where the dog ran the person down, stood on their chest and growled in their face. dog lover had to pull him off.
here's the thing, people think they know what's going on by stumbling upon a situation that seems some certain way to them. they feel totally comfortable calling you out and being absolutely deplorable. they honestly think they're saving the world one dog at a time because they're just that ignorant.
they need to save that shit for high temperatures and situations where animals are actually in danger because those situations do happen.
|
nta. there is been so much (justified!) press about dogs in hot cars that people seem to have internalized the idea that you can never, under any circumstances, leave a dog in a car for any length of time. it’s tiresome.
your dogs were fine. it was night time and there was no chance whatsoever of them overheating. they were safe and happy and alone for a shorter amount of time than if you hadn’t taken them along.
|
INFO
|
YTA
|
NTA
|
NTA
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YTA
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NTA
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NTA
|
NTA
|
NTA
|
NTA
| 0.201556
|
Classify the interpersonal conflict and explain your choice. Your choices are limited to you're the a**hole (yta) when the writer is causing the conflict, not the a**hole (nta) when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict, no a**holes here (nah) when no one is causing the conflict, everyone sucks here (esh) when everyone is causing the conflict, more information needed (info) when a classification cannot be made with the context provided. Conflict context: i bought a ticket to a concert on 9/14 like 3 months ago. i knew the show would start at 9 and i got off at 7 so i planned to leave my dogs with a sitter after work. well, they were exposed to kennel cough at the dog park and have been sick all month and are in quarantine, so no sitters or daycare or dog parks. they’ve been on medication for a week now and both feel better, but they are still needy and i didn’t want to leave them alone from 7-1am (venue is about 70 miles away). so i checked the temperature for the night—65 degrees—and decided to bring them with. they love the car and they were psyched to get to go on a ride. anyway we went for a walk after i parked at the venue, i gave them a drink and made sure they were comfortable with their blankets, toys, and a rawhide each. i left them there at 8:45. the show lasted until 11:30 and i was back to the car (parked 1/2 mile from venue) by 11:45. there were two people tapping the windows of my car and when they saw me they got aggro. i was shocked by how aggressive the conversation started. they immediately started screaming at me for leaving the dogs to wait. i said “they love being in the car” because they do. a lot more than sitting home alone. they immediately said “no dog likes to be in the car!” and then said some more ugly insults and names. i just got in my car and got away from them asap so i couldn’t take the dogs out again like i planned. frankly i have never encountered strangers acting like this. i’m thinking it would have been justified if they were left in the sun, or left all day…but they were just sleeping. they weren’t in distress at all. it wasn’t hot or cold. but these people were so incredibly enraged that i’m wondering if there is something i don’t know? is it generally accepted that no dog should ever be left in the car for any reason? the only thing that distressed them was strangers screaming and hitting the car.
|
<s>[INST] <<SYS>>
Classify the interpersonal conflict and explain your choice. Your choices are limited to you're the a**hole (yta) when the writer is causing the conflict, not the a**hole (nta) when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict, no a**holes here (nah) when no one is causing the conflict, everyone sucks here (esh) when everyone is causing the conflict, more information needed (info) when a classification cannot be made with the context provided.
<</SYS>>
i bought a ticket to a concert on 9/14 like 3 months ago. i knew the show would start at 9 and i got off at 7 so i planned to leave my dogs with a sitter after work. well, they were exposed to kennel cough at the dog park and have been sick all month and are in quarantine, so no sitters or daycare or dog parks. they’ve been on medication for a week now and both feel better, but they are still needy and i didn’t want to leave them alone from 7-1am (venue is about 70 miles away). so i checked the temperature for the night—65 degrees—and decided to bring them with. they love the car and they were psyched to get to go on a ride. anyway we went for a walk after i parked at the venue, i gave them a drink and made sure they were comfortable with their blankets, toys, and a rawhide each. i left them there at 8:45. the show lasted until 11:30 and i was back to the car (parked 1/2 mile from venue) by 11:45. there were two people tapping the windows of my car and when they saw me they got aggro. i was shocked by how aggressive the conversation started. they immediately started screaming at me for leaving the dogs to wait. i said “they love being in the car” because they do. a lot more than sitting home alone. they immediately said “no dog likes to be in the car!” and then said some more ugly insults and names. i just got in my car and got away from them asap so i couldn’t take the dogs out again like i planned. frankly i have never encountered strangers acting like this. i’m thinking it would have been justified if they were left in the sun, or left all day…but they were just sleeping. they weren’t in distress at all. it wasn’t hot or cold. but these people were so incredibly enraged that i’m wondering if there is something i don’t know? is it generally accepted that no dog should ever be left in the car for any reason? the only thing that distressed them was strangers screaming and hitting the car. [/INST] info: if your toddler loved car rides, and it was nice and cool out, would you leave them in the car with a snack and the window cracked during your concert? your answer should be “omg no i would *never* do that!” - then why is it different for your dogs??? yta </s>
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AITA for eating my cupcake outside?
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i have a 10 years old daughter who loves frosting. every week i buy cupcakes for me, my wife and her and she always eats my frosting. these past few weeks i decided to eat my cupcake before going inside. she asked me where my cupcake is and i told her i don't like cupcakes anymore so i only bought two. it worked for a while but last night when i was enjoying my cupcake before going inside she caught me and ran to her mom to tell her how much of a terrible dad i am to "steal her frostings for weeks"
she is sulking and my wife thinks i'm the ah and i'm acting childish and should just let her have it but it's easy for her to say when she has never given up her frosting. aita?
| 21,885
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https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/wxdgj8/aita_for_eating_my_cupcake_outside/
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2022-08-25 12:52:05
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yta
not for eating your cupcake outside really
but because you have failed to teach your child that she can’t always get what she wants or that she isn’t entitled to your frosting. that is your cupcake - frosting and all. she has her own and that’s all she’s allowed to have.
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you can teach her the word no. at 10 she should be able to understand it.
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info: have you ever heard of the word "no"?
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yta for not teaching your daugheter that she doesn't always get what she wants and demands.
\>she caught me and ran to her mom to tell her how much of a terrible dad i am to "steal her frostings for weeks"
just stop this. your daughter is a spoiled brat and your wife is a brat and you need to learn to adult.
you daughter. you made this. yta. you created this sh show
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esh (i.e.you and your wife). if you don't want to give your daughter the frosting, don't give her the frosting. your daughter can't have everything she wants; she can just have her own portion and no more. it's an important lesson to learn.
the fact that you ate your cupcake outside instead of discussing that, from now on, you want to have your frosting, is an ah move. you sound very non-confrontational, to the point that you'd rather lie than enter into a small conflict. that's disrespectful towards your family.
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nta. steal her frosting? what????
question does she eat your wife's frosting off her cupcake?
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esh. tell her no and ignore her whining instead of lying and trying to hide. your wife should be on your side too, not giving in to a child's silly demands. 10 is more than old enough to understand the concept of not always getting what you want.
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esh. your daughter is a little old to be doing this, frankly.
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nta, she’s 10 not 2. she is old enough to understand that her food is hers and your food is yours.
start setting these boundaries or you are going to have some major issues with her when she’s a spoilt teenager.
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wtf. i guess yta for not just telling your daughter no. learn to parent.
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YTA
| null |
INFO
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YTA
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ESH
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NTA
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ESH
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ESH
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NTA
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YTA
| 0.390935
|
Classify the interpersonal conflict and explain your choice. Your choices are limited to you're the a**hole (yta) when the writer is causing the conflict, not the a**hole (nta) when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict, no a**holes here (nah) when no one is causing the conflict, everyone sucks here (esh) when everyone is causing the conflict, more information needed (info) when a classification cannot be made with the context provided. Conflict context: i have a 10 years old daughter who loves frosting. every week i buy cupcakes for me, my wife and her and she always eats my frosting. these past few weeks i decided to eat my cupcake before going inside. she asked me where my cupcake is and i told her i don't like cupcakes anymore so i only bought two. it worked for a while but last night when i was enjoying my cupcake before going inside she caught me and ran to her mom to tell her how much of a terrible dad i am to "steal her frostings for weeks" she is sulking and my wife thinks i'm the ah and i'm acting childish and should just let her have it but it's easy for her to say when she has never given up her frosting. aita?
|
<s>[INST] <<SYS>>
Classify the interpersonal conflict and explain your choice. Your choices are limited to you're the a**hole (yta) when the writer is causing the conflict, not the a**hole (nta) when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict, no a**holes here (nah) when no one is causing the conflict, everyone sucks here (esh) when everyone is causing the conflict, more information needed (info) when a classification cannot be made with the context provided.
<</SYS>>
i have a 10 years old daughter who loves frosting. every week i buy cupcakes for me, my wife and her and she always eats my frosting. these past few weeks i decided to eat my cupcake before going inside. she asked me where my cupcake is and i told her i don't like cupcakes anymore so i only bought two. it worked for a while but last night when i was enjoying my cupcake before going inside she caught me and ran to her mom to tell her how much of a terrible dad i am to "steal her frostings for weeks" she is sulking and my wife thinks i'm the ah and i'm acting childish and should just let her have it but it's easy for her to say when she has never given up her frosting. aita? [/INST] yta not for eating your cupcake outside really but because you have failed to teach your child that she can’t always get what she wants or that she isn’t entitled to your frosting. that is your cupcake - frosting and all. she has her own and that’s all she’s allowed to have. </s>
|
AITA for telling my 16yo daughter that she cannot have sex with her boyfriend in our home?
|
yes. i get it. she is 16. she has a boyfriend. they've been together for more than an year. and they are probably having sex.
but they do stuff behind closed doors whenever he is here. and i don't want to know anything about it. so on sunday, when we were having breakfast, i bought this up. i told my daughter that she can't do anything sexual when they are in the house. at this point my daughter started crying and she was like- "we are not allowed to do anything in our house and his house. where should we do anything then? on the street?". she left after that.
my husband had a wtf expression on his face. and he agreed with her and told me that it would be unsafe to do anything outdoors and it is better if they did it under supervision. i just can't believe it. i thought my husband would support me. was i the asshole here?
| 4,234
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https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/bwsj5q/aita_for_telling_my_16yo_daughter_that_she_cannot/
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2019-06-04 19:00:21
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nah, but if they can't have sex at your house they'll find somewhere else.
&#x200b;
it's almost impossible to stop horny teenagers from knocking boots. so do you want your daughter having sex in your house, or do you want her having sex in a dirty stall of the public bathroom at your local park?
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yta because you brought up the conversation with your daughter **before** having the conversation with your husband. it's his house as well, and you shouldn't be making unilateral rules.
&#x200b;
also, do you want your daughter to get naked in public so that she and her boyfriend can have sex? you made it into an argument by bringing up the conversation. so now, because you started the conversation, you must either actively support her sexual activities or actively deny her sexual activities. before, you had the option of letting her have a safe place to explore stuff with her boyfriend. now she doesn't have a safe place and you don't have the option to freaking let things be.
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i was in the exact same situation up until age 18, when i moved out. my boyfriend and i did, indeed, get creative with where we had sex, often in unsafe locations, because of both of our parents strictness on this matter. we were gonna have sex, we'd been together for years, and just never having it suddenly because mommy said no is something horny teenagers will not agree to. as much as you wish they would. which is kind of what you're telling them, unless you're personally funding a hotel room for them [please don't].
so yeah, yta.
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yta for not discussing it and finding common ground with your husband first.
she's 16, i know you want to protect her but she's right. the alternative is that they will still have sex only it will be in the backseat of a car, in a park, or some other dangerous/illegal spot. in the end she is a kid so she has to put up with parental rules, but those rules should be something you and your husband agree to in advance.
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yta all the way.
1. you decided this without your husband
2. you are shaming your daughter. people have sex. get over it
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yta for pushing forward with the conversation under the assumption that your husband would support you instead of taking just a few minutes and talking to him about it first. you don't seem to believe that you and your husband are equal partners here and that's a problem. if your daughter goes around you next time and asks your husband for permission to do something, don't blame him for "making you the bad guy" because it will have been your doing. the reason i say this is because i've seen this exact scenario play out over and over again with my parents growing up and i didn't come out of it with a positive view of my mother despite her insistence that i only thought she was in the wrong because of my dad as if i didn't have my own eyes, ears, and independent thoughts.
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that is such a tough call. my heart goes out to you.
i’m torn. in my case, i opted to let them have sex, in a respectful (to us), safe manner.
i knew they were having sex already, and i had been in a relationship at that age, and my parents forbade us from sleeping in the same room.
we later married and it seemed archaic to forbid us from being together.
i don’t think anyone should dare tell you what you *should* do.
my $.02 is that if you know they’re having sex, it might be worth considering providing them a safe place. i don’t think i’d make it open season, but you could give tacit approval enough so that they don’t feel ashamed.
it sounds like his parents aren’t cool with it either? that throws another wrench into the situation, as if they’re not cool, i would be concerned with issues arising from that if you give approval for them having sex under your roof.
it’s a tough situation. my heart goes out to you. this is one of those quandaries. i’m glad you’re looking at your own views — it shows you’re a good parent, rather than just assuming you’re right.
trust your heart and instincts. you know your child. i do know my parents eventually evolved on the issue and quit demanding unmarried pairs of children, eventually grandchildren, quit sleeping in the same room. they still don’t like it, but i think the idea of having all of us there is more important than enforcing morality standards.
of course, at this point everyone is over 18 yo. at 16, there’s lots to consider.
i’m prob not much help — you just touched me because this is a tough issue. i’m glad you’re seeking advice — like i said, it shows you’re a good, considerate parent.
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nta - knowing your minor child is having sex doesn't mean you should condone it.
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i’d say nta, but obviously you have to understand that they either will behind your back or somewhere else (outside, in a car, etc)
im also very confused... just a few days ago a woman posted complaining about how she was staying with her parents long term and her parents didn’t want her and her husband having sex in (her parents) house, and everyone said she was ta because her parents house, their rules. she was married for christ’s sake, but still apparently the asshole for wanting to have sex with her husband because god forbid it’s under her parents roof.
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you are totally nta.
jesus i wasn't even allowed boys upstairs at her age let alone in my bedroom.
hell, i'm a married 34 year old and still would never have sex in my parents' house!!!!
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NAH
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YTA
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YTA
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YTA
|
YTA
|
YTA
| null |
NTA
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NTA
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NTA
| 0.654729
|
Classify the interpersonal conflict and explain your choice. Your choices are limited to you're the a**hole (yta) when the writer is causing the conflict, not the a**hole (nta) when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict, no a**holes here (nah) when no one is causing the conflict, everyone sucks here (esh) when everyone is causing the conflict, more information needed (info) when a classification cannot be made with the context provided. Conflict context: yes. i get it. she is 16. she has a boyfriend. they've been together for more than an year. and they are probably having sex. but they do stuff behind closed doors whenever he is here. and i don't want to know anything about it. so on sunday, when we were having breakfast, i bought this up. i told my daughter that she can't do anything sexual when they are in the house. at this point my daughter started crying and she was like- "we are not allowed to do anything in our house and his house. where should we do anything then? on the street?". she left after that. my husband had a wtf expression on his face. and he agreed with her and told me that it would be unsafe to do anything outdoors and it is better if they did it under supervision. i just can't believe it. i thought my husband would support me. was i the asshole here?
|
<s>[INST] <<SYS>>
Classify the interpersonal conflict and explain your choice. Your choices are limited to you're the a**hole (yta) when the writer is causing the conflict, not the a**hole (nta) when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict, no a**holes here (nah) when no one is causing the conflict, everyone sucks here (esh) when everyone is causing the conflict, more information needed (info) when a classification cannot be made with the context provided.
<</SYS>>
yes. i get it. she is 16. she has a boyfriend. they've been together for more than an year. and they are probably having sex. but they do stuff behind closed doors whenever he is here. and i don't want to know anything about it. so on sunday, when we were having breakfast, i bought this up. i told my daughter that she can't do anything sexual when they are in the house. at this point my daughter started crying and she was like- "we are not allowed to do anything in our house and his house. where should we do anything then? on the street?". she left after that. my husband had a wtf expression on his face. and he agreed with her and told me that it would be unsafe to do anything outdoors and it is better if they did it under supervision. i just can't believe it. i thought my husband would support me. was i the asshole here? [/INST] nah, but if they can't have sex at your house they'll find somewhere else. &#x200b; it's almost impossible to stop horny teenagers from knocking boots. so do you want your daughter having sex in your house, or do you want her having sex in a dirty stall of the public bathroom at your local park? </s>
|
AITA For making my girlfriend homeless after she yelled at my little brother?
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i'm 25(m) and have lived with my girlfriend for the last few months. i pay rent and all bills because a few months ago she was kicked out of her parents home (that's a story for another time), although she also does have a job (she is horrible with her money and has no savings).
so a few weeks ago my little brother (10) moved in with me, and my grandparents said they were going to move overseas and could not take him - my parents passed a few years ago, and when they passed i was still in college and hence couldn't take him in, even though i loved him very much (still obviously do). when i got my own place, i felt it would be selfish to uproot his new home, so just left him with my grandparents. however, i visited him almost every day whilst he was living there.
when i informed my girlfriend of my little brother moving in, she was very angry, although she eventually calmed down and accepted it - probably because she realised she could do nothing about it.
my girlfriend has been quite aggressive to my little brother. my little brother is very shy and has anxiety issues, and often has panic attacks. therefore, the day before he came i told my girlfriend to be welcoming and make him feel wanted on her part.
however, the last few weeks have been very concerning. she has been very aggressive with my brother. yesterday, when he accidentally spilt his drink on my lap, she yelled at him and called him worthless. he started crying and kept apologising to her, whilst hugging me and hiding his head in shame.
i told her that she could no longer live with me given how she treated my brother. i was aware that by making her leave, that she would be homeless. however, my brother comes first.
aita for making her homeless without giving her time to sort out other arrangements?
edit#1: this is not a breakup post; i'm asking whether i'm an asshole for kicking someone out and making them homeless without notice because of her treatment of my brother.
edit#2: regarding my grandparents, they had been planning to move to their country of birth (finland) for years now. they had sorted all the details out before my parents died. they postponed it. they felt very guilty when they told me that they wanted to live their last years in their homeland, but i understood.
| 35,878
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https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/elc7z5/aita_for_making_my_girlfriend_homeless_after_she/
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2020-01-07 14:27:21
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nta. looks like she really showed her true colors. lose her. your brother is freaking 10 with nowhere else to go. you did absolutely nothing wrong and are frankly and amazing older brother.
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nta - you didn’t make her homeless, she made herself homeless.
good looking out for your little bro,
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nta
your brother is literally a child, did she have a problem with you visiting him daily? i hope things start looking up for him, anxiety and panic attacks are a hell of a thing to have at 10.
if you follow through with kicking her out, i advise that you really have a mature conversation with your brother so he doesn't have misplaced guilt over thinking he is at fault in this situation.
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nta. your gf sounds cold, uncaring, selfish and cruel. your little brother has just saved you from a potential lifetime of pain and suffering if you had continued with her.
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nta if she’s a tenant there may be some legal stuff that requires you giver her notice.
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in lieu of some more background info, i kinda feel like esh a bit, except the kid of course. girlfriend, obvious reasons, i don't think i need to say anything on that front. but... maybe there's some extenuating circumstances, but taking in a kid and then being all, "see ya, heading overseas, can't take him!" sounds kinda douchey to me on your grandparents' part...
and then you - i think you suck the least of the adults here, as you're trying to do what's best for your brother, but did you ever let your girlfriend know that having to live with a ten year old was a likelihood in the near future when you and her moved in together? obviously she knew he was in your life, but... "this kid is living in our house now" is a hell of a thing to spring on someone. obviously she was a dick about it and the way she was treating him was not ok at *all* but if she had no warning i don't blame her for *feeling* upset. and the way you talk about it - "i informed my girlfriend of my little brother moving in", "she realised she could do nothing about it", makes it sound like you care *very* little for her feelings in the matter.
of course the fact that she was living with you rent-free and all further reduces how much you suck, she sucks the most by a long shot, then (unless they've got a really solid reason) your grandparents, and you are a *long* way down the sucky ranking.
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nta
this doesn't even have to be about your brother in particular. do you really want to be with someone as vile as her? just hurling verbal abuse at a child, your brother, in front of you so callously? she sounds absolutely horrible.
you didn't kick her out in my book, she got herself kicked out.
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[removed]
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this sub really needs the no validation post rule. 3rd one today where it is extremely obvious...
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do people really believe these stories?
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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INFO
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NTA
| null | null | null | 0.007141
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Classify the interpersonal conflict and explain your choice. Your choices are limited to you're the a**hole (yta) when the writer is causing the conflict, not the a**hole (nta) when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict, no a**holes here (nah) when no one is causing the conflict, everyone sucks here (esh) when everyone is causing the conflict, more information needed (info) when a classification cannot be made with the context provided. Conflict context: i'm 25(m) and have lived with my girlfriend for the last few months. i pay rent and all bills because a few months ago she was kicked out of her parents home (that's a story for another time), although she also does have a job (she is horrible with her money and has no savings). so a few weeks ago my little brother (10) moved in with me, and my grandparents said they were going to move overseas and could not take him - my parents passed a few years ago, and when they passed i was still in college and hence couldn't take him in, even though i loved him very much (still obviously do). when i got my own place, i felt it would be selfish to uproot his new home, so just left him with my grandparents. however, i visited him almost every day whilst he was living there. when i informed my girlfriend of my little brother moving in, she was very angry, although she eventually calmed down and accepted it - probably because she realised she could do nothing about it. my girlfriend has been quite aggressive to my little brother. my little brother is very shy and has anxiety issues, and often has panic attacks. therefore, the day before he came i told my girlfriend to be welcoming and make him feel wanted on her part. however, the last few weeks have been very concerning. she has been very aggressive with my brother. yesterday, when he accidentally spilt his drink on my lap, she yelled at him and called him worthless. he started crying and kept apologising to her, whilst hugging me and hiding his head in shame. i told her that she could no longer live with me given how she treated my brother. i was aware that by making her leave, that she would be homeless. however, my brother comes first. aita for making her homeless without giving her time to sort out other arrangements? edit#1: this is not a breakup post; i'm asking whether i'm an asshole for kicking someone out and making them homeless without notice because of her treatment of my brother. edit#2: regarding my grandparents, they had been planning to move to their country of birth (finland) for years now. they had sorted all the details out before my parents died. they postponed it. they felt very guilty when they told me that they wanted to live their last years in their homeland, but i understood.
|
<s>[INST] <<SYS>>
Classify the interpersonal conflict and explain your choice. Your choices are limited to you're the a**hole (yta) when the writer is causing the conflict, not the a**hole (nta) when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict, no a**holes here (nah) when no one is causing the conflict, everyone sucks here (esh) when everyone is causing the conflict, more information needed (info) when a classification cannot be made with the context provided.
<</SYS>>
i'm 25(m) and have lived with my girlfriend for the last few months. i pay rent and all bills because a few months ago she was kicked out of her parents home (that's a story for another time), although she also does have a job (she is horrible with her money and has no savings). so a few weeks ago my little brother (10) moved in with me, and my grandparents said they were going to move overseas and could not take him - my parents passed a few years ago, and when they passed i was still in college and hence couldn't take him in, even though i loved him very much (still obviously do). when i got my own place, i felt it would be selfish to uproot his new home, so just left him with my grandparents. however, i visited him almost every day whilst he was living there. when i informed my girlfriend of my little brother moving in, she was very angry, although she eventually calmed down and accepted it - probably because she realised she could do nothing about it. my girlfriend has been quite aggressive to my little brother. my little brother is very shy and has anxiety issues, and often has panic attacks. therefore, the day before he came i told my girlfriend to be welcoming and make him feel wanted on her part. however, the last few weeks have been very concerning. she has been very aggressive with my brother. yesterday, when he accidentally spilt his drink on my lap, she yelled at him and called him worthless. he started crying and kept apologising to her, whilst hugging me and hiding his head in shame. i told her that she could no longer live with me given how she treated my brother. i was aware that by making her leave, that she would be homeless. however, my brother comes first. aita for making her homeless without giving her time to sort out other arrangements? edit#1: this is not a breakup post; i'm asking whether i'm an asshole for kicking someone out and making them homeless without notice because of her treatment of my brother. edit#2: regarding my grandparents, they had been planning to move to their country of birth (finland) for years now. they had sorted all the details out before my parents died. they postponed it. they felt very guilty when they told me that they wanted to live their last years in their homeland, but i understood. [/INST] nta. looks like she really showed her true colors. lose her. your brother is freaking 10 with nowhere else to go. you did absolutely nothing wrong and are frankly and amazing older brother. </s>
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AITA for refusing to give my niece our dog's room?
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for the past month my 24 year old niece has been living with us. i'll call her princess because that's what her parents call her most of the time. she is a medical researcher (studied medicine but wasn't interested in the practical side of things more interested in the theoretical) and took up a position near where we live, and my sister convinced me to let her stay so she can save money. i was apprehensive because i know this girl has been coddled and babied since she was little.
we have a 4 bedroom house. me and my husband, my son (16), my daughter (21) and our 4 year old rottweiler freddie. i told sister that princess would have to sleep on the sofa in the living room which she seemed ok with, but when she arrived both mother and daughter set about trying to convince me to clear out the dog's room and let her sleep in it. princess even said it would be ok to make him sleep outside because ''it's just a dog''. it's getting a lot colder now and i'd never let freddie sleep outside.
i told princess that this is where she'd sleep, take it or leave it, and she was and still is really sulky about it, sulking about how we think a dog is more important than her.
in all honesty i was right in thinking having princess stay is more trouble than it's worth. she goes out clubbing and partying a lot and makes no effort to keep the noise down when she comes home in the early hours of the morning. since she's arrived the living room smells of weed and that smell definitely wasn't there before she came.
she's also rude to my kids. my daughter got engaged and we were all delighted, but princess was lovely enough to say that if her bf had gotten her a ''cheap'' ring like that she wouldn't even get out of bed for the wedding. daughter was in tears because of this and both husband and i had a word with princess, who then cried and phoned up her mother saying we were rude to her.
had another phone call with sister today, and she still tried to convince me to put her daughter in the dog's room. i made clear this wasn't happening and sister got upset with me saying how nasty it was to value pets over family. i also said that her daughter was skating thin ice and that i wouldn't tolerate her behaviour for much longer. sister was very offended and said we should be happy to have her daughter there. sorry but how can i be happy to have a spoiled overgrown child who keeps trying to steal a room from a dog in my home?
| 26,794
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https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/db9dtn/aita_for_refusing_to_give_my_niece_our_dogs_room/
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2019-09-30 10:12:14
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esh. the kid is clearly a brat, but you're a pretty terrible host for leaving a dog a room and making your guest sleep on the sofa. no matter who they are, that's incredibly rude on your part, and she's right to be offended.
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esh. obviously your niece is being incredibly rude but i don't understand why you couldn't give her the dog's room for her stay. why didn't the dog sleep in the living room? you can't use "she's being a brat" as an excuse when you made the decision before she moved in.
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who gives a dog an entire room??
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i thought hard about this and i think yta. i feel as if you didn't want this princess in your home to begin with. so you took steps from the beginning to make her uncomfortable. you didn't give her a chance to prove she wouldn't be a brat. granted you were correct. but would it have been different if she felt as if she belonged from the beginning. we're there even rules and chores set down?
my dog has his own room and when i have company i clear out my room and sleep in my dogs room so my guest is comfortable and my dog isn't put out. but that's just me.
i would be so uncomfortable and weird sleeping on someone's couch for an extended period of time. where's her privacy? what if she wants to nap in the middle of the day? what if she needs to masturbate? what if it gets hot and she needs to sleep in her underwear? what if she needs to study in silence? what if she wants to have friends over?
the weed issue is irrelevant since we don't know what state you're in and it can be legal in some places. but if i were living with you. i'd need to come home high so i can deal with the fact that my dog cousin is more respected than me.
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esh. yeah, that girl would have her ass out the door for half the crap she's been pulling...but it is pretty weird to give a dog a room over a human guest.
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nta but i want to see how you’ve decorated the dogs room. does he have his own nameplate on the door? a closet for his dog coats? i am delighted by this whole concept.
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sounds made up tbh
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esh because what do you do when you have guests? it is strange to give a dog a private room and make guests sleep in a public area of the house.
your niece obviously sucks and has the freedom to move out at any time.
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yta. plain and simple. dogs can literally sleep anywhere. people need somewhere to get dressed, have quiet time, and escape. dogs lick their balls in front of company.
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yta i have had dogs most of my life and they are content sleeping on the couch. i can tell your niece is a brat, but i can also tell you probably are too. if i was under the impression that you only had a couch available and then showed up to find that there was a whole room being used for just a dog and would stay that way, i'd be upset and feel disrespected. i'm saying this as a fellow homeowner with kids. it also seems like you were very aware that your niece had a personality problem and chose to let her live with you anyways. if she offends you after that, you brought that on yourself.
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ESH
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ESH
| null |
YTA
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ESH
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NTA
| null |
ESH
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YTA
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YTA
| 0.153093
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Classify the interpersonal conflict and explain your choice. Your choices are limited to you're the a**hole (yta) when the writer is causing the conflict, not the a**hole (nta) when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict, no a**holes here (nah) when no one is causing the conflict, everyone sucks here (esh) when everyone is causing the conflict, more information needed (info) when a classification cannot be made with the context provided. Conflict context: for the past month my 24 year old niece has been living with us. i'll call her princess because that's what her parents call her most of the time. she is a medical researcher (studied medicine but wasn't interested in the practical side of things more interested in the theoretical) and took up a position near where we live, and my sister convinced me to let her stay so she can save money. i was apprehensive because i know this girl has been coddled and babied since she was little. we have a 4 bedroom house. me and my husband, my son (16), my daughter (21) and our 4 year old rottweiler freddie. i told sister that princess would have to sleep on the sofa in the living room which she seemed ok with, but when she arrived both mother and daughter set about trying to convince me to clear out the dog's room and let her sleep in it. princess even said it would be ok to make him sleep outside because ''it's just a dog''. it's getting a lot colder now and i'd never let freddie sleep outside. i told princess that this is where she'd sleep, take it or leave it, and she was and still is really sulky about it, sulking about how we think a dog is more important than her. in all honesty i was right in thinking having princess stay is more trouble than it's worth. she goes out clubbing and partying a lot and makes no effort to keep the noise down when she comes home in the early hours of the morning. since she's arrived the living room smells of weed and that smell definitely wasn't there before she came. she's also rude to my kids. my daughter got engaged and we were all delighted, but princess was lovely enough to say that if her bf had gotten her a ''cheap'' ring like that she wouldn't even get out of bed for the wedding. daughter was in tears because of this and both husband and i had a word with princess, who then cried and phoned up her mother saying we were rude to her. had another phone call with sister today, and she still tried to convince me to put her daughter in the dog's room. i made clear this wasn't happening and sister got upset with me saying how nasty it was to value pets over family. i also said that her daughter was skating thin ice and that i wouldn't tolerate her behaviour for much longer. sister was very offended and said we should be happy to have her daughter there. sorry but how can i be happy to have a spoiled overgrown child who keeps trying to steal a room from a dog in my home?
|
<s>[INST] <<SYS>>
Classify the interpersonal conflict and explain your choice. Your choices are limited to you're the a**hole (yta) when the writer is causing the conflict, not the a**hole (nta) when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict, no a**holes here (nah) when no one is causing the conflict, everyone sucks here (esh) when everyone is causing the conflict, more information needed (info) when a classification cannot be made with the context provided.
<</SYS>>
for the past month my 24 year old niece has been living with us. i'll call her princess because that's what her parents call her most of the time. she is a medical researcher (studied medicine but wasn't interested in the practical side of things more interested in the theoretical) and took up a position near where we live, and my sister convinced me to let her stay so she can save money. i was apprehensive because i know this girl has been coddled and babied since she was little. we have a 4 bedroom house. me and my husband, my son (16), my daughter (21) and our 4 year old rottweiler freddie. i told sister that princess would have to sleep on the sofa in the living room which she seemed ok with, but when she arrived both mother and daughter set about trying to convince me to clear out the dog's room and let her sleep in it. princess even said it would be ok to make him sleep outside because ''it's just a dog''. it's getting a lot colder now and i'd never let freddie sleep outside. i told princess that this is where she'd sleep, take it or leave it, and she was and still is really sulky about it, sulking about how we think a dog is more important than her. in all honesty i was right in thinking having princess stay is more trouble than it's worth. she goes out clubbing and partying a lot and makes no effort to keep the noise down when she comes home in the early hours of the morning. since she's arrived the living room smells of weed and that smell definitely wasn't there before she came. she's also rude to my kids. my daughter got engaged and we were all delighted, but princess was lovely enough to say that if her bf had gotten her a ''cheap'' ring like that she wouldn't even get out of bed for the wedding. daughter was in tears because of this and both husband and i had a word with princess, who then cried and phoned up her mother saying we were rude to her. had another phone call with sister today, and she still tried to convince me to put her daughter in the dog's room. i made clear this wasn't happening and sister got upset with me saying how nasty it was to value pets over family. i also said that her daughter was skating thin ice and that i wouldn't tolerate her behaviour for much longer. sister was very offended and said we should be happy to have her daughter there. sorry but how can i be happy to have a spoiled overgrown child who keeps trying to steal a room from a dog in my home? [/INST] esh. the kid is clearly a brat, but you're a pretty terrible host for leaving a dog a room and making your guest sleep on the sofa. no matter who they are, that's incredibly rude on your part, and she's right to be offended. </s>
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AITA for refusing to justify why I left my sons wedding early?
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my son got married a couple days ago. i wasn’t happy about it and i’m sure he knew that but i didn’t say anything. i felt sick at the reception and had horrible stomach pain. my husband and i left and my son seemed offended, though i told him that i felt sick. it got worse that night and i went to the er. i ended up having appendicitis and having to have surgery.
while i was at the er my son and dil both texted me about how selfish and immature it was to leave their wedding. my dil who likes to throw around loaded terms called it toxic. now i could easily show them my discharge papers and clear myself but i don’t think i owe them any type of explanation. i don’t like being called a liar. i’ve been respectful and i feel like i’m being punished for not wanting to be close to dil. my sister thinks i should show them and my husband thinks i should tell them both to fuck off, i’m leaning much more towards not showing them.
| 3,197
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https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/ihkrhf/aita_for_refusing_to_justify_why_i_left_my_sons/
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2020-08-27 13:11:24
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esh. i mean, why wouldn't you have just told them you ended up in er and then had to have emergency surgery?
you could let them go on thinking you snubbed them, and ruin your relationship with your son and potential grandchildren in the future, or you could clear this misunderstanding up.
seems like a lot of drama for nothing. honestly, all of you sound toxic af.
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yta for the game playing. you apparently made your dislike so known even without saying anything that it was their first conclusion that you left early to show your displeasure. now you are hiding pertinent information that could save the relationship - not just them not being angry, but you reconciling after the blow up - because you are self righteously enjoying watching them put a noose over their own neck.
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yta - they know you don't like the bride and didn't approve of the wedding. "i feel sick" is the elementary school excuse to get out of things.
tell them what really happened if you want any relationship with them.
i'm interested to know what your meaning of "i've been respectful" is when you say that you don't want to "be close to dil."
what did she do to you?
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info: why exactly do you not like your dil? have you been vocal about objecting to the marriage?
if, as their seems to be, there is bad blood between you and your son and dil, then you are the asshole for, essentially, withholding key information. from their standpoint, the groom's mother was so grumpy that she faked sick and left early-- do you want your son to think that of you?
if there is no bad blood, then you're not the asshole, but i struggle to understand your outlook.
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info: you say that you weren't happy about the wedding and that your son and his new wife were aware of it. are they justified in the assumption that you just left in a snit? obviously they were wrong, but if you haven't told them you were taken seriously ill, how could they know?
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yta. of they think your lying- you don't like the bride so it's logical to think you'd leave the wedding bc you where upset by it. just show them your discharge. is this really the hill you wanna die on? do you really want to lose your son over this?
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"i have made it clear that i disapprove of my son's choice of partner. i left partway through the wedding saying i 'felt sick', providing more evidence that i don't like his now wife. i actually have a genuine reason for leaving, but i've decided not to show them because i really don't like his wife and now i'll never have to see her again. couldn't give a fuck about my son though. aita?"
yta
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yta you are escalating a difficult relationship into an unnecessary cold war. your dil may be just as bad as you say. that doesn't mean you should alienate your son by giving her ammunition.
call your son and tell him that you had no intention of disrupting his special day, which is why you left to go to take care of yourself without drawing attention to yourself. send him a copy of your hospital discharge and tell him to take it up with his wife.
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yta, you just left without saying anything to your son at his wedding? how else would you expect them to take it? normally when something is wrong, you say “hey this was beautiful, i am so sorry but i’m not feeling well and i need to go home”. instead, you left and now are just letting them both believe you dipped out because you don’t care about their wedding.
something tells me that your dil “throws around” words like that because you’ve given them reason. i find it hard to believe they would automatically assume the worst with no previous cause.
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info you start off talking about not being happy about the wedding, then start talking about being in pain. is there a connection? we're you unhappy about the wedding? why? how did you make those feelings known? of course you had a good reason to leave, but if you were unsupportive and rude about the wedding beforehand, the couple have plenty of reason to be offended. please clarify the two issues.
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ESH
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YTA
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YTA
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INFO
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INFO
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YTA
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YTA
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YTA
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YTA
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INFO
| 0.055125
|
Classify the interpersonal conflict and explain your choice. Your choices are limited to you're the a**hole (yta) when the writer is causing the conflict, not the a**hole (nta) when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict, no a**holes here (nah) when no one is causing the conflict, everyone sucks here (esh) when everyone is causing the conflict, more information needed (info) when a classification cannot be made with the context provided. Conflict context: my son got married a couple days ago. i wasn’t happy about it and i’m sure he knew that but i didn’t say anything. i felt sick at the reception and had horrible stomach pain. my husband and i left and my son seemed offended, though i told him that i felt sick. it got worse that night and i went to the er. i ended up having appendicitis and having to have surgery. while i was at the er my son and dil both texted me about how selfish and immature it was to leave their wedding. my dil who likes to throw around loaded terms called it toxic. now i could easily show them my discharge papers and clear myself but i don’t think i owe them any type of explanation. i don’t like being called a liar. i’ve been respectful and i feel like i’m being punished for not wanting to be close to dil. my sister thinks i should show them and my husband thinks i should tell them both to fuck off, i’m leaning much more towards not showing them.
|
<s>[INST] <<SYS>>
Classify the interpersonal conflict and explain your choice. Your choices are limited to you're the a**hole (yta) when the writer is causing the conflict, not the a**hole (nta) when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict, no a**holes here (nah) when no one is causing the conflict, everyone sucks here (esh) when everyone is causing the conflict, more information needed (info) when a classification cannot be made with the context provided.
<</SYS>>
my son got married a couple days ago. i wasn’t happy about it and i’m sure he knew that but i didn’t say anything. i felt sick at the reception and had horrible stomach pain. my husband and i left and my son seemed offended, though i told him that i felt sick. it got worse that night and i went to the er. i ended up having appendicitis and having to have surgery. while i was at the er my son and dil both texted me about how selfish and immature it was to leave their wedding. my dil who likes to throw around loaded terms called it toxic. now i could easily show them my discharge papers and clear myself but i don’t think i owe them any type of explanation. i don’t like being called a liar. i’ve been respectful and i feel like i’m being punished for not wanting to be close to dil. my sister thinks i should show them and my husband thinks i should tell them both to fuck off, i’m leaning much more towards not showing them. [/INST] esh. i mean, why wouldn't you have just told them you ended up in er and then had to have emergency surgery? you could let them go on thinking you snubbed them, and ruin your relationship with your son and potential grandchildren in the future, or you could clear this misunderstanding up. seems like a lot of drama for nothing. honestly, all of you sound toxic af. </s>
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AITA for telling my future fiance that I won't help her pay off her student debt?
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my gf and i (we're in our mid-late 20s) have been together for about a year and a half. we met in school through a mutual friend but are in different programs.
she went to an excellent undergrad on a completely full ride and at graduation paid off her $3k of student debt within a year. she grew up poor and had no financial support, worked three part-time jobs in college, so that money was for emergency incidentals like getting a new laptop after hers stopped working and last-minute flights for her family when a relative died. to be clear part of why i love her so much is her resilience and work ethic.
she worked full-time in a well-paying industry for a few years before pursuing her professional degree (think law/med/mba etc). she crushed her applications and ended up with a full tuition scholarship and stipend but unlike undergrad it didn't cover cost of living, so she again took out student loans.
i love this girl and i really want to marry her. we've been talking about our post-graduation future since we finish about the same time. she revealed to me that she has a maxed out credit card of $6k and she emptied her whole 401k (about $20k) to subsidize her living expenses and will be graduating with about $60k in student loans. basically she has no longer has any assets except the stuff she owns which isn't luxury but generally nice. when i finish my phd, i'll have zero debt since i've lived very frugally on my stipends and scholarships. we currently split 50/50 on just about everything we do.
she wants us to jointly put all our money towards eliminating her debt asap so we can start saving for a wedding, house and kids. she's a very independent woman and says she would've asked for a prenup if she wasn't a student on no salary.
here's the issue: i told her i'm proud of her but i don't think i have anything to do with the financial choices she made before i met her. i've always lived a frugal life, while she spent her expendable income before going back to school going on week-long vacations to the tropics and fancy dinners and buying nice things. she's not the type to go on shopping sprees but doesn't think twice about going out unexpected and she isn't reckless. i think she could've saved a lot more and been in less debt given her income. this pissed her off.
when we graduate, she will easily be earning a six figure income while i will be living off an adjunct salary or worse to begin with in this economy unless i get really lucky. i'm happy to contribute to a rent or mortgage or anything we do together if i can afford it but she thinks its unfair that i'm debt-free and won't help with hers when she believes she'll be the breadwinner forever. my friends think i'm trying to be a trophy husband and holding her back. aita?
| 2,229
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https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/kx3gnv/aita_for_telling_my_future_fiance_that_i_wont/
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2021-01-14 10:54:36
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info: i don't think this is really an aita question, it's just something you have to decide between you, but how important is "a wedding, house and kids" to you? you may have to wait longer for those things if she's paying off the debt herself. she may also resent you for it, rightly or wrongly.
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nah — just be sure this is the line you really want to draw. part of marrying someone is combining your lives and there’s nothing clean about that at all. if you think you can cleanly divide your past lives this way and everything else will be joyful and harmonious, i suspect you’ll be in for quite a surprise down the road. marriage is 100% compromise for the benefit of both of you, so neither individual gets everything the way they want it. so just be sure you’re not making a principled stand for the sake of being principled.
also, check that superiority complex at the chapel door when you get married. sure, you agree with how you spend money and think she’s wrong for spending money the way she does. you’re still not better than her, you’re just a different person than her.
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yta. while you did not incur the debt, it will affect your finances when married. why would you not want to help her to get out of debt? it's better for your household. quicker it's paid, the more that adds to your collective pot of money to put on a house, kids, etc. are you prepared to put more on those things while she pays them off? or do you expect her to do all the heavy lifting because of the disparities in your income? you sound self-righteous. i took on student loans years ago, my husband has paid on them. i felt weird because i felt it was my debt, but he doesn't see it that way.
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yta and your friends are right. if you’re planning a life together, her problems are your problems to some degree. the way you approached this seems insensitive as well. are you going to contribute 50/50 when she’s the breadwinner? my guess is no.
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>i'm happy to contribute to a rent or mortgage or anything we do together if i can afford it ...
here is where you became the asshole. either *everything is shared* **or** *everything is split* down the middle. you cannot have your cake and eat it too: let her be the future breadwinner where you contribute if you can, and then expect her to take care of her debt.
yta for thinking you could have it both ways.
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you both become the ah of you don’t talk about your finances together and set a ‘status-quo’ as to what’s acceptable.
you both need to have a long open talk about your finances and if you’re / she is willing to live a life you both can financially sustain + amassing savings / investment.
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info. once you are married is the plan that you will both keep what you make after basic living costs are met? if that is the case how will you feel in five years when she has paid off the debt and might have much more disposal income then you do?
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esh because you don't realize how much things become intertwined and you aren't dealing with finances as grown up. especially when married, things can't always be 50/50.
let's say, that if you take student loans out of the equation, you could afford a $4000/mo apartment. $2000 each. now, she has to pay $500/mo in loans. does that mean that you are limited to a $3000 apartment, so you can each pay $1500 (and the rest is just your money), or $3500, because you can afford $2000 and she can afford $1500?
now, you say that you plan to make way less for the start. so let's say you have $1500 for rent, and she has $2500 for rent and the same $500/mo student loans. $3500 for an apartment or $3000 and the rest is "hers"?
as well as how you save money for each of your personal expenses. if you're married, you are affected if she's racking up credit card debt for things she can't afford and doesn't need. (does this relate to her past of growing up poor?) if you disagree with a lot of stuff she's spending money on, that's a bigger issue to be dealt with.
you need to talk about how each of you will have your own personal "fun money". do clothes count? budget groceries, eating out, activities. agree on a budget for savings. how much you'll spend on the wedding. brand name vs store brand ketchup?
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idk if i’d necessarily call you an asshole but you’re definitely an idiot. do you not realize that the sooner you pay off her debt the less will be owed? you guys are going to be married, it’s joint money and you’re not looking at it that way. you’re completely missing the bigger picture and it’s gonna hurt you in the long run. i’ve been helping my wife pay off her student loans since before we were married and while she was still in school even. why would i do this? because we want to pay as little as necessary in interest. this could also totally come back to bite you in the ass when she’s debt free and still making more than you and you want help paying for something you want. if she’s petty she could say no because you never helped her.
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yta here’s what i see. you expect to benefit from the choices she made before she married you & take advantage of her 6 figure income. you make much less money than she does & are happy to contribute to your living expenses “if i can afford it”. what if you can’t? are you planning that the money she makes will fund your life together? it sounds like she will vastly out earn you, because of choices you both made before marriage. as a result of those choices, she will pay the majority of your joint expenses forever, & you are fine with that because it’s in your favor. however, that $60k was money she invested to get the education that resulted in her career & income. you want the results of that investment but you don’t want to cover the cost.
the 2 of you need to figure out your finances before you marry. if you’re going to share the benefits of her education, then it seems fair that you share the cost. if you plan to keep your finances separate & each pay your own expenses plus half the joint expenses, you need to talk about what that life looks like. what kind of home & expenses are affordable when 1 of you makes so much less than the other?
|
INFO
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NAH
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YTA
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YTA
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YTA
| null |
INFO
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ESH
| null |
YTA
| 0.139754
|
Classify the interpersonal conflict and explain your choice. Your choices are limited to you're the a**hole (yta) when the writer is causing the conflict, not the a**hole (nta) when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict, no a**holes here (nah) when no one is causing the conflict, everyone sucks here (esh) when everyone is causing the conflict, more information needed (info) when a classification cannot be made with the context provided. Conflict context: my gf and i (we're in our mid-late 20s) have been together for about a year and a half. we met in school through a mutual friend but are in different programs. she went to an excellent undergrad on a completely full ride and at graduation paid off her $3k of student debt within a year. she grew up poor and had no financial support, worked three part-time jobs in college, so that money was for emergency incidentals like getting a new laptop after hers stopped working and last-minute flights for her family when a relative died. to be clear part of why i love her so much is her resilience and work ethic. she worked full-time in a well-paying industry for a few years before pursuing her professional degree (think law/med/mba etc). she crushed her applications and ended up with a full tuition scholarship and stipend but unlike undergrad it didn't cover cost of living, so she again took out student loans. i love this girl and i really want to marry her. we've been talking about our post-graduation future since we finish about the same time. she revealed to me that she has a maxed out credit card of $6k and she emptied her whole 401k (about $20k) to subsidize her living expenses and will be graduating with about $60k in student loans. basically she has no longer has any assets except the stuff she owns which isn't luxury but generally nice. when i finish my phd, i'll have zero debt since i've lived very frugally on my stipends and scholarships. we currently split 50/50 on just about everything we do. she wants us to jointly put all our money towards eliminating her debt asap so we can start saving for a wedding, house and kids. she's a very independent woman and says she would've asked for a prenup if she wasn't a student on no salary. here's the issue: i told her i'm proud of her but i don't think i have anything to do with the financial choices she made before i met her. i've always lived a frugal life, while she spent her expendable income before going back to school going on week-long vacations to the tropics and fancy dinners and buying nice things. she's not the type to go on shopping sprees but doesn't think twice about going out unexpected and she isn't reckless. i think she could've saved a lot more and been in less debt given her income. this pissed her off. when we graduate, she will easily be earning a six figure income while i will be living off an adjunct salary or worse to begin with in this economy unless i get really lucky. i'm happy to contribute to a rent or mortgage or anything we do together if i can afford it but she thinks its unfair that i'm debt-free and won't help with hers when she believes she'll be the breadwinner forever. my friends think i'm trying to be a trophy husband and holding her back. aita?
|
<s>[INST] <<SYS>>
Classify the interpersonal conflict and explain your choice. Your choices are limited to you're the a**hole (yta) when the writer is causing the conflict, not the a**hole (nta) when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict, no a**holes here (nah) when no one is causing the conflict, everyone sucks here (esh) when everyone is causing the conflict, more information needed (info) when a classification cannot be made with the context provided.
<</SYS>>
my gf and i (we're in our mid-late 20s) have been together for about a year and a half. we met in school through a mutual friend but are in different programs. she went to an excellent undergrad on a completely full ride and at graduation paid off her $3k of student debt within a year. she grew up poor and had no financial support, worked three part-time jobs in college, so that money was for emergency incidentals like getting a new laptop after hers stopped working and last-minute flights for her family when a relative died. to be clear part of why i love her so much is her resilience and work ethic. she worked full-time in a well-paying industry for a few years before pursuing her professional degree (think law/med/mba etc). she crushed her applications and ended up with a full tuition scholarship and stipend but unlike undergrad it didn't cover cost of living, so she again took out student loans. i love this girl and i really want to marry her. we've been talking about our post-graduation future since we finish about the same time. she revealed to me that she has a maxed out credit card of $6k and she emptied her whole 401k (about $20k) to subsidize her living expenses and will be graduating with about $60k in student loans. basically she has no longer has any assets except the stuff she owns which isn't luxury but generally nice. when i finish my phd, i'll have zero debt since i've lived very frugally on my stipends and scholarships. we currently split 50/50 on just about everything we do. she wants us to jointly put all our money towards eliminating her debt asap so we can start saving for a wedding, house and kids. she's a very independent woman and says she would've asked for a prenup if she wasn't a student on no salary. here's the issue: i told her i'm proud of her but i don't think i have anything to do with the financial choices she made before i met her. i've always lived a frugal life, while she spent her expendable income before going back to school going on week-long vacations to the tropics and fancy dinners and buying nice things. she's not the type to go on shopping sprees but doesn't think twice about going out unexpected and she isn't reckless. i think she could've saved a lot more and been in less debt given her income. this pissed her off. when we graduate, she will easily be earning a six figure income while i will be living off an adjunct salary or worse to begin with in this economy unless i get really lucky. i'm happy to contribute to a rent or mortgage or anything we do together if i can afford it but she thinks its unfair that i'm debt-free and won't help with hers when she believes she'll be the breadwinner forever. my friends think i'm trying to be a trophy husband and holding her back. aita? [/INST] info: i don't think this is really an aita question, it's just something you have to decide between you, but how important is "a wedding, house and kids" to you? you may have to wait longer for those things if she's paying off the debt herself. she may also resent you for it, rightly or wrongly. </s>
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AITA for helping my girlfriend's bully get home safe?
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i (24m) went on a night out with my new girlfriend hannah (27f) and a few of her friends. when we were at our table we noticed some loud women a few tables down. hannah and her friends were worried because they were the girls who picked on them at school. we decided to stick around for the moment as long as they didn't notice us, and leave if there was any trouble.
hannah came back later, and said she'd bumped into nicole (her main bully) at the bar, who tried to pick on her again and called her by the awful name those girls made up for her. we decided to leave and go somewhere else.
later it was the early hours of the morning. we were all very drunk and wanted to get home. we found nicole stumbling around outside a club in tears. she heard hannah's voice and came up to us. she was extremely drunk and had gotten separated from her friends and her phone had died. worse than that, she'd ended up losing her glasses in the club. she couldn't see well enough to get to a cab or make her way home.
she pleaded with hannah for help but *still* called her by that nickname. hannah wanted to leave her but i couldn't just leave her outside blinded and drunk. i got an uber and jumped in with hannah and nicole. we went to nicole's house and her mum was extremely grateful for us looking after her daughter.
after we got back to hannah's place, hannah exploded at me for helping nicole, and "making her" sit in a car with the girl who made her life hell in school. i argued that nicole was alone, blind without her glasses, drunk, and her phone was dead. she was completely helpless and vulnerable. i'd want someone to help hannah if she was in the same position.
i understand that nicole treated hannah awfully when they were kids, but it was about doing the decent thing.
| 4,792
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https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/t7w20m/aita_for_helping_my_girlfriends_bully_get_home/
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2022-03-06 10:26:54
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nah, except nicole. you did the right thing, but i totally understand hannah's feelings.
but i do want to address this line here:
>i understand that nicole treated hannah awfully when they were kids, but it was about doing the decent thing.
nicole didn't just treat hannah awfully when they were kids, she still treats hannah horribly. she bullied her repeatedly throughout the night, even while she was asking hannah for help. please, don't dismiss how being around her bully and getting bullied again affected hannah.
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yta.
there were multiple ways you could’ve helped nicole without forcing your girlfriend to ride with her just because you wanted to be the bigger person. also, it’s concerning how you dismiss the bullying your girlfriend had to go through for years. nicole was bullying her that night, right in front of you, yet you claim that the bulling happened when they were just kids?
you might not be the asshole for helping nicole, but yta for not helping your girlfriend. you have no idea what bullying can do to someone and what your girlfriend went through for years. honestly, i’m surprised you still have a girlfriend at this point.
nicole will forget about the help (most likely will rub it in hannah’a face in case she doesn’t) while your girlfriend will never forget how the one person who should’ve chose her, didn’t.
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i’m going to put this out there, i’m betting you would have behaved differently if it was your bully she helped get home. the mole was even name calling your girlfriend right there in front of you.
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nah
i really don’t think nicole would do the same for your gf if the roles were reversed (i think she would even take advantage of her), you did a good thing.
but if i were your gf, i would never get in the same car with her and just leave. also, probably i would need some space from you. because bullies are not just hating in silent, they’re traumatizing others because of their egos/problems.
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yta. there were other ways you could have handled things beyond making your girlfriend sit in a car with someone who bullies her.
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very much yta. your gf specifically told you this other woman traumatised her through schooling and still does now but you made her get in a car with her. i understand you wanted to help but there where other ways. but maybe you should have wanted to help your gf by protecting her.
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the number of people saying you should have let karma take its course is really disgusting. i say that as someone who was bullied most of my childhood and up until i switched schools in hs. nobody deserves to be raped or sexually assaulted, and that is what statistically happens to inebriated, lost women at night.
you are nta for making sure that a woman in that state got home safely.
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yta even if your intentions were good what pissed me off is the end line where you said nicole treated hannah awfully when they were kids but she treated hannah awfully that night as adults when she called her the nickname she bullied her with and tried to pick on her. she never changed. you couldn't have just had her call her friends or her mom to come pick her up? like really bro.
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nah
you did the right thing, but i can understand why hannah is upset about it. hopefully hannah can see what you did was right when the *completely understandable* emotional reaction subsides.
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i'm not sure you did it the right way, possibly it might have been better to send nicole home alone via uber then hannah wouldn't have had to spend time in the car with her.
i'm really torn between n t a and n a h - as what you did was responsible but it did make your gf uncomfortable.
i think i have to go with nta - simply because you were being a responsible human being and you made sure a vulnerable woman got home safely.
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NAH
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YTA
| null |
NAH
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YTA
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YTA
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NTA
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YTA
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NAH
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NTA
| 0.770882
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Classify the interpersonal conflict and explain your choice. Your choices are limited to you're the a**hole (yta) when the writer is causing the conflict, not the a**hole (nta) when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict, no a**holes here (nah) when no one is causing the conflict, everyone sucks here (esh) when everyone is causing the conflict, more information needed (info) when a classification cannot be made with the context provided. Conflict context: i (24m) went on a night out with my new girlfriend hannah (27f) and a few of her friends. when we were at our table we noticed some loud women a few tables down. hannah and her friends were worried because they were the girls who picked on them at school. we decided to stick around for the moment as long as they didn't notice us, and leave if there was any trouble. hannah came back later, and said she'd bumped into nicole (her main bully) at the bar, who tried to pick on her again and called her by the awful name those girls made up for her. we decided to leave and go somewhere else. later it was the early hours of the morning. we were all very drunk and wanted to get home. we found nicole stumbling around outside a club in tears. she heard hannah's voice and came up to us. she was extremely drunk and had gotten separated from her friends and her phone had died. worse than that, she'd ended up losing her glasses in the club. she couldn't see well enough to get to a cab or make her way home. she pleaded with hannah for help but *still* called her by that nickname. hannah wanted to leave her but i couldn't just leave her outside blinded and drunk. i got an uber and jumped in with hannah and nicole. we went to nicole's house and her mum was extremely grateful for us looking after her daughter. after we got back to hannah's place, hannah exploded at me for helping nicole, and "making her" sit in a car with the girl who made her life hell in school. i argued that nicole was alone, blind without her glasses, drunk, and her phone was dead. she was completely helpless and vulnerable. i'd want someone to help hannah if she was in the same position. i understand that nicole treated hannah awfully when they were kids, but it was about doing the decent thing.
|
<s>[INST] <<SYS>>
Classify the interpersonal conflict and explain your choice. Your choices are limited to you're the a**hole (yta) when the writer is causing the conflict, not the a**hole (nta) when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict, no a**holes here (nah) when no one is causing the conflict, everyone sucks here (esh) when everyone is causing the conflict, more information needed (info) when a classification cannot be made with the context provided.
<</SYS>>
i (24m) went on a night out with my new girlfriend hannah (27f) and a few of her friends. when we were at our table we noticed some loud women a few tables down. hannah and her friends were worried because they were the girls who picked on them at school. we decided to stick around for the moment as long as they didn't notice us, and leave if there was any trouble. hannah came back later, and said she'd bumped into nicole (her main bully) at the bar, who tried to pick on her again and called her by the awful name those girls made up for her. we decided to leave and go somewhere else. later it was the early hours of the morning. we were all very drunk and wanted to get home. we found nicole stumbling around outside a club in tears. she heard hannah's voice and came up to us. she was extremely drunk and had gotten separated from her friends and her phone had died. worse than that, she'd ended up losing her glasses in the club. she couldn't see well enough to get to a cab or make her way home. she pleaded with hannah for help but *still* called her by that nickname. hannah wanted to leave her but i couldn't just leave her outside blinded and drunk. i got an uber and jumped in with hannah and nicole. we went to nicole's house and her mum was extremely grateful for us looking after her daughter. after we got back to hannah's place, hannah exploded at me for helping nicole, and "making her" sit in a car with the girl who made her life hell in school. i argued that nicole was alone, blind without her glasses, drunk, and her phone was dead. she was completely helpless and vulnerable. i'd want someone to help hannah if she was in the same position. i understand that nicole treated hannah awfully when they were kids, but it was about doing the decent thing. [/INST] nah, except nicole. you did the right thing, but i totally understand hannah's feelings. but i do want to address this line here: >i understand that nicole treated hannah awfully when they were kids, but it was about doing the decent thing. nicole didn't just treat hannah awfully when they were kids, she still treats hannah horribly. she bullied her repeatedly throughout the night, even while she was asking hannah for help. please, don't dismiss how being around her bully and getting bullied again affected hannah. </s>
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AITA for choosing my niece and nephew who I barely know over my fiancee.
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so backstory.
my parents died when me (27) and my sister (37) were 15 and 25.
my sister became my legal guardian until i was 18.
we became very close after our parents death we had very little other family mmbers and the one we did have lived far alway and we didn't know well. we only had each other
but as time went on we became two very different people.
when i turn 22 our relationship pretty much came to a end.
i came out as gay. my sister had married into a very reaglious family and had taken on thier views.
she cut me off completely after i came out. we have spoken since.
it hurt and cause me to go to a dark place. she was the only family i had.
well sadly last week i got a call that my sister and her husband had passed in a accident.
it broke my heart because i alway hope some day we could reconnect.
the call was about her kids and how they were having trouble locating family to take them
she had two eden (4) jeremiah (6)
her husband didn't have siblings or close cousins and his parents were in assistant living.
i was pretty much the only family left.
i knew i had a niece and nephew but had never met them due to my sister cutting me off.
i was told if i don't take them they go into foster care.
now i have alway be anti having kids. i never really wanted to be a dad. and well i know taken them in doesn't exactly make me a dad it does come with the same responsibility.
i'm not asking whether or not to take them in. i'm doing that. weather it make me the asshole or not.
no way i letting them go into foster care. i seen to many horror stories
i have a good job and i can give them a good life.
the issue is my fiancee is also childfree and is strictly agaist me taken them in.
i'm asking whether i'm the asshole for possible calling my wedding off if my fiancee doesn't change his mind.
my fiancee has helped with through a lot. when my sister cut me off i had a scary mental breakdown and went to a dark place. he helped me alot and stood by me though it all and we did both agree when we started dating we didnt want kids.
which is why i gave him the out. that if he didn't want this life he could leave no hard feeling and i that wouldn't think any less of him. . i know he didn't sign up for this.
but he say s hat i'm the asshole for making choose. that i shouldn't be picking two kids i never met over him.
so
| 5,763
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https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/se7inj/aita_for_choosing_my_niece_and_nephew_who_i/
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2022-01-27 20:14:54
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nah. you are totally right to want to take those kids in, but i understand why that would not please your fiancé if having kid was never in his life plans.
you love each other, but now your life plans have drastically change, and they are not compatible anymore.
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this is a no win situation, op. i’m so sorry. whatever you decide someone is going to get hurt. i am certainly not going to say anyone is an asshole. this is a tragedy , with life changing consequences for those left behind (and how trite that sounds).
nah.
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nta. your fiance isn’t an asshole for not wanting kids. he’s not even the asshole if he broke up with you because he doesn't want kids. but what i think makes him an asshole is telling you that you’re an asshole for being thrust into an impossible unpredictable scenario and choosing the best choice you could think to. it’s not his place to make that judgement. i’m so sorry about your sister. i think what you’re doing, taking in your niece and nephew, is very honorable. they will be better off for having you in their life.
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nah. your fiancee gets to decide how they want to live their life. you get to choose how to live yours. thanks for being there for these kids.
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the saddest thing here is that the sister abandoned you for her new families beliefs, and there doesn't appear to be a family at all if there is nobody on her husband's side to take the children. just a couple of bitter elderly people.
meet the kids first. they may already be anti-gay, and it could be an absolute nightmare for you. things could obviously change over time, but you may be getting yourself into an incredibly stressful mess that could take you back into a dark place, without the person that helped you last time.
nta, but don't commit yet.
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nah. tough situation, but there's no way you're an ah for taking the kids if that's what you feel called to do. on the other hand, of course your fiance isn't obligated to become a parent... sounds like there are some tough conversations ahead, and it sounds like you already realize this may be the end of your engagement. none of this will be easy, but as long as you are transparent, communicative and decisive, there are no ah here.
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nah
you have chosen the humane path, at great cost and inconvenience to yourself. nobody would have judged you for letting them go, but you are an awesome person. you are not nagging your partner to stay with you, you are acknowledging their right to choose their life.
i wish you luck with your family.
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nah - both sides are valid. best wishes op.
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nah. brutal and unfair situation you and fiancé have been thrust into. you’re doing the right thing.
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nta. life happens and you are stuck in situations where neither choice gives you the life you planned. i can see why he doesn’t want kids but i work with foster kids everyday snd it’s luck of the draw if they get a great family. but being a parent is very inconvenient and sometimes miserable (when they enter their tweens). saying all that, i wouldn’t give my (now thankful grown children) away. i would really have to think about it now if you get relatives needed me though, including any grandchildren as my life plan is pretty set and stone, and a resentful parent is not a good parent. so make sure you can really commit.
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NAH
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NAH
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NTA
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NAH
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NTA
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NAH
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NAH
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NAH
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NAH
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NTA
| 0.028068
|
Classify the interpersonal conflict and explain your choice. Your choices are limited to you're the a**hole (yta) when the writer is causing the conflict, not the a**hole (nta) when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict, no a**holes here (nah) when no one is causing the conflict, everyone sucks here (esh) when everyone is causing the conflict, more information needed (info) when a classification cannot be made with the context provided. Conflict context: so backstory. my parents died when me (27) and my sister (37) were 15 and 25. my sister became my legal guardian until i was 18. we became very close after our parents death we had very little other family mmbers and the one we did have lived far alway and we didn't know well. we only had each other but as time went on we became two very different people. when i turn 22 our relationship pretty much came to a end. i came out as gay. my sister had married into a very reaglious family and had taken on thier views. she cut me off completely after i came out. we have spoken since. it hurt and cause me to go to a dark place. she was the only family i had. well sadly last week i got a call that my sister and her husband had passed in a accident. it broke my heart because i alway hope some day we could reconnect. the call was about her kids and how they were having trouble locating family to take them she had two eden (4) jeremiah (6) her husband didn't have siblings or close cousins and his parents were in assistant living. i was pretty much the only family left. i knew i had a niece and nephew but had never met them due to my sister cutting me off. i was told if i don't take them they go into foster care. now i have alway be anti having kids. i never really wanted to be a dad. and well i know taken them in doesn't exactly make me a dad it does come with the same responsibility. i'm not asking whether or not to take them in. i'm doing that. weather it make me the asshole or not. no way i letting them go into foster care. i seen to many horror stories i have a good job and i can give them a good life. the issue is my fiancee is also childfree and is strictly agaist me taken them in. i'm asking whether i'm the asshole for possible calling my wedding off if my fiancee doesn't change his mind. my fiancee has helped with through a lot. when my sister cut me off i had a scary mental breakdown and went to a dark place. he helped me alot and stood by me though it all and we did both agree when we started dating we didnt want kids. which is why i gave him the out. that if he didn't want this life he could leave no hard feeling and i that wouldn't think any less of him. . i know he didn't sign up for this. but he say s hat i'm the asshole for making choose. that i shouldn't be picking two kids i never met over him. so
|
<s>[INST] <<SYS>>
Classify the interpersonal conflict and explain your choice. Your choices are limited to you're the a**hole (yta) when the writer is causing the conflict, not the a**hole (nta) when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict, no a**holes here (nah) when no one is causing the conflict, everyone sucks here (esh) when everyone is causing the conflict, more information needed (info) when a classification cannot be made with the context provided.
<</SYS>>
so backstory. my parents died when me (27) and my sister (37) were 15 and 25. my sister became my legal guardian until i was 18. we became very close after our parents death we had very little other family mmbers and the one we did have lived far alway and we didn't know well. we only had each other but as time went on we became two very different people. when i turn 22 our relationship pretty much came to a end. i came out as gay. my sister had married into a very reaglious family and had taken on thier views. she cut me off completely after i came out. we have spoken since. it hurt and cause me to go to a dark place. she was the only family i had. well sadly last week i got a call that my sister and her husband had passed in a accident. it broke my heart because i alway hope some day we could reconnect. the call was about her kids and how they were having trouble locating family to take them she had two eden (4) jeremiah (6) her husband didn't have siblings or close cousins and his parents were in assistant living. i was pretty much the only family left. i knew i had a niece and nephew but had never met them due to my sister cutting me off. i was told if i don't take them they go into foster care. now i have alway be anti having kids. i never really wanted to be a dad. and well i know taken them in doesn't exactly make me a dad it does come with the same responsibility. i'm not asking whether or not to take them in. i'm doing that. weather it make me the asshole or not. no way i letting them go into foster care. i seen to many horror stories i have a good job and i can give them a good life. the issue is my fiancee is also childfree and is strictly agaist me taken them in. i'm asking whether i'm the asshole for possible calling my wedding off if my fiancee doesn't change his mind. my fiancee has helped with through a lot. when my sister cut me off i had a scary mental breakdown and went to a dark place. he helped me alot and stood by me though it all and we did both agree when we started dating we didnt want kids. which is why i gave him the out. that if he didn't want this life he could leave no hard feeling and i that wouldn't think any less of him. . i know he didn't sign up for this. but he say s hat i'm the asshole for making choose. that i shouldn't be picking two kids i never met over him. so [/INST] nah. you are totally right to want to take those kids in, but i understand why that would not please your fiancé if having kid was never in his life plans. you love each other, but now your life plans have drastically change, and they are not compatible anymore. </s>
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AITA for not wanting to go to MIL's birthday dinner because the dress code is a pain in the ass?
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mil is having a birthday dinner next weekend and the restaurant she picked has a very strict dress code. i totally get the concept of fine dining, and in general i love to dress up, but i am currently 7.5 months pregnant and i just don't have many things which fit. i don't want to go out and put effort into buying fancy clothes, which i will never wear again. i just want to sit at home and wear sweats.
also mil doesn't like me. she is currently polite, but frigid but she got me a baby shower gift that was so bad i feel like she had to have done it intentionally. i know no one is entitled to a gift, but i genuinely feel she bought something so cheap to prove a point. i've seen her spend more money on a gift for her husband's secretary. it all left a bad taste in my mouth, not to mention she hasn't asked me how i was feeling a single time, hasn't asked about the baby, and generally ignores me.
i told my husband that i don't want to go out and buy a new outfit for dinner, and i don't want to piece together something i have and maybe not make it in (they take this dress code seriously) he said he felt bad, but what can we do, it's her birthday. i told him i wasn't going and he got upset and said i was just using pregnancy as an excuse. he said he goes to my family things when he doesn't want to, and he only asks me to see mil a couple times a year. he finally broke down and admitted he is super uncomfortable going on his own, as he doesn't like anyone else there, and he won't have anyone to talk to. i told him if it was somewhere more casual i would suck it up, but i just can't put the mental effort into finding an outfit right now.
| 5,075
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https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/vg1mtx/aita_for_not_wanting_to_go_to_mils_birthday/
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2022-06-19 18:41:30
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info :
what was the gift you think was "intentionally" so bad?
what is the dress code?
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nta. wait. your husband doesn't want to go without you, because he doesn't like anyone else who will be there? no. you and he should ditch this whole thing. there's no reason to put anyone through this kind of torture, but especially when your health and comfort need to be catered to. if your husband doesn't like anyone in his own family, and they are mean to you, there's no reason to be around them.
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info: truthfully does he ever say he doesn't want to go to your family functions and you persuade him to?
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tbh i think there’s two options here:
suck it up, pay for the rest (or rent one if renttherunway has a maternity section), go as a couple and get it over with as fast as possible and leave early stating you feel fatigued from the pregnancy
don’t go, using the excuse that you don’t feel well and he needs to be near you to help you out but offer yo take her out somewhere more casual at a different date to make up for it.
either way — show a united front so it’s not you getting out of an unpleasant event and sacrificing your husband *or* your husband not prioritizing you.
either way make sure both of you are validated and on the same page.
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having given this some thought…if your husband is willing to pay for a killer maternity dress suitable for the dress code, i would consider walking in looking like a billion bucks, having an amazing time, and generally being your best self. pregnant ladies are typically much more interesting than bitter old bats.
guaranteed, she is hoping you won’t show so she can complain about it—and be the center of attention. your smiling presence would deny her that.
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nta and perfect excuse - you aren't feeling well and he's staying home to care for you.
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suggest to your husband that he develop a fever on the day of and bow out “for the sake of everyone’s health.” then you and he can eat take out pizza in your sweats and watch movies together.
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nta. idk why everyone is making suggestions to find something to wear. you didn’t ask for fashion advice. you and i both know if you wanted to go you’d be able to buy something real quick. but you don’t. for fucks sake your 7.5 months pregnant. you have a right to say to someone who isn’t even all that open,kind, and nice to you (or even it sounds like your husband) that you’re not feeling well to do so. honestly mil needs to be told a thing. don’t expect respect where you don’t give it. i don’t care about her age or whatever else you said in the comments, she still comes at you sideways, why would they even want y’all to be together at unnecessary times. enjoy your pregnancy and tell people to fuck off.
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nta. he doesn't even like his own family, but he wants you to put up with their nonsense. send a card to mil (make sure it's something really tacky) amd call it a day.
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i mean…i would be super bummed if i couldn’t rely on my husband to be my person at annoying family events. i go to his, he goes to mine, we keep each other sane and laugh about it afterwards. people are correctly telling you you don’t *have* to…but then you don’t get to expect him to inconvenience himself for your next annoying event either. yta (edited from n a h because additional info in comments has made op seem like a bigger asshole).
|
INFO
|
NTA
|
INFO
| null | null |
NTA
| null |
NTA
|
NTA
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YTA
| 0.237855
|
Classify the interpersonal conflict and explain your choice. Your choices are limited to you're the a**hole (yta) when the writer is causing the conflict, not the a**hole (nta) when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict, no a**holes here (nah) when no one is causing the conflict, everyone sucks here (esh) when everyone is causing the conflict, more information needed (info) when a classification cannot be made with the context provided. Conflict context: mil is having a birthday dinner next weekend and the restaurant she picked has a very strict dress code. i totally get the concept of fine dining, and in general i love to dress up, but i am currently 7.5 months pregnant and i just don't have many things which fit. i don't want to go out and put effort into buying fancy clothes, which i will never wear again. i just want to sit at home and wear sweats. also mil doesn't like me. she is currently polite, but frigid but she got me a baby shower gift that was so bad i feel like she had to have done it intentionally. i know no one is entitled to a gift, but i genuinely feel she bought something so cheap to prove a point. i've seen her spend more money on a gift for her husband's secretary. it all left a bad taste in my mouth, not to mention she hasn't asked me how i was feeling a single time, hasn't asked about the baby, and generally ignores me. i told my husband that i don't want to go out and buy a new outfit for dinner, and i don't want to piece together something i have and maybe not make it in (they take this dress code seriously) he said he felt bad, but what can we do, it's her birthday. i told him i wasn't going and he got upset and said i was just using pregnancy as an excuse. he said he goes to my family things when he doesn't want to, and he only asks me to see mil a couple times a year. he finally broke down and admitted he is super uncomfortable going on his own, as he doesn't like anyone else there, and he won't have anyone to talk to. i told him if it was somewhere more casual i would suck it up, but i just can't put the mental effort into finding an outfit right now.
|
<s>[INST] <<SYS>>
Classify the interpersonal conflict and explain your choice. Your choices are limited to you're the a**hole (yta) when the writer is causing the conflict, not the a**hole (nta) when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict, no a**holes here (nah) when no one is causing the conflict, everyone sucks here (esh) when everyone is causing the conflict, more information needed (info) when a classification cannot be made with the context provided.
<</SYS>>
mil is having a birthday dinner next weekend and the restaurant she picked has a very strict dress code. i totally get the concept of fine dining, and in general i love to dress up, but i am currently 7.5 months pregnant and i just don't have many things which fit. i don't want to go out and put effort into buying fancy clothes, which i will never wear again. i just want to sit at home and wear sweats. also mil doesn't like me. she is currently polite, but frigid but she got me a baby shower gift that was so bad i feel like she had to have done it intentionally. i know no one is entitled to a gift, but i genuinely feel she bought something so cheap to prove a point. i've seen her spend more money on a gift for her husband's secretary. it all left a bad taste in my mouth, not to mention she hasn't asked me how i was feeling a single time, hasn't asked about the baby, and generally ignores me. i told my husband that i don't want to go out and buy a new outfit for dinner, and i don't want to piece together something i have and maybe not make it in (they take this dress code seriously) he said he felt bad, but what can we do, it's her birthday. i told him i wasn't going and he got upset and said i was just using pregnancy as an excuse. he said he goes to my family things when he doesn't want to, and he only asks me to see mil a couple times a year. he finally broke down and admitted he is super uncomfortable going on his own, as he doesn't like anyone else there, and he won't have anyone to talk to. i told him if it was somewhere more casual i would suck it up, but i just can't put the mental effort into finding an outfit right now. [/INST] info : what was the gift you think was "intentionally" so bad? what is the dress code? </s>
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AITA for exposing a my cousin's boyfriend as a fake navy SEAL?
|
i served in swcc, special warfare combatant-craft crewmen. we operate small patrol boats, and we work with seals, usually the people getting the seals in and out of places. our training is quite similar to theirs, and when i heard that my cousin was getting married to a seal and when i heard about him, i knew he was a phony. the stories that were relayed back to me, and the shit i've seen from his post was just bullshit. i also heard that my nephew did more pull ups than him, 5, so i know that's horseshit. there's no navy seal who can only do 5 pull ups. bare minimum is like 10 or 15 to even get into basic training.
i never got to meet this guy, and i think he was actually avoiding me because whenever i showed up he always left. i told everyone in the family my concerns, most just ignored me saying i misinterpreted what happened, i'm not a seal so i wouldn't know, these ignoramuses were just so stubborn. well i knew the only way to expose this fucker is to get outside help so i contacted don shipley, who is a former navy seal and he has a bunch of social media accounts and websites where he posts content of him exposing hundreds if not thousands of fake navy seals either by approaching them or calling them and blasting them online. anyone who suspects someone of being a fake seal can submit their info to don shipley, he will contact you back with proof of him being or not being a seal as he as a record to a database of every navy seal.
shipley not only sends proof of him not being a seal, he also calls my cousin and he asks my cousin about his service. he calls him out on everything about how none of his service making sense, the main one being he said he was in seal class 111 which would've been like 40 years ago or something. i then sent this to everyone who was attending the wedding in a mass email chain. i was in one that had like 400 email addresses for the upcoming wedding attendees, as well as everyone on his facebook and ig friend's list.
i have gotten so much hate from him and his family for this and my cousin is devastated knowing this man is a fraud and a liar, so is everyone else who grew to like him. everyone seems to hate me, i don't see why i did them all a favor
| 12,705
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https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/jzraiz/aita_for_exposing_a_my_cousins_boyfriend_as_a/
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2020-11-23 21:45:45
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esh: not an ah - for exposing him but kind of ah for doing it in such a dramatic manner... maybe you could've shared the proofs with the bride and her family but not to all of the 400 guests... as it's said, 'one shouldn't wash their dirty linen in public'
the matter could've been solved in a more peaceful and less insulting manner if was done privately...
|
esh
you should have told your cousin once you had the proof and let it work itself out. exposing him to 400 people and hunting out all his social media contacts to expose him is extremely petty.
don't get me wrong, i don't think you were wrong for getting the info and exposing him, but i don't think you were the person that should have publicly humiliated him (and, indirectly, your cousin since they were going to marry).
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esh. your ousin's boyfriend should not be lying about military service. but the way you did this -- blasting it across a wedding listserv -- was dramatic and vindictive. the way to do it was to approach your cousin privately, give her the information, and then let her decide what to do with it.
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nta
if he didn't want to be exposed for stolen valor, he shouldn't have stolen valor.
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esh. i don’t like the military but even i can say that stolen valor is not okay, in any form. it’s great that you called him out for it.
*but,*
the tone in this post and the fact that you made this a public affair rather than keeping it private makes you an a-h as well. spamming *400* people with emails and effectively doxxing someone is also a terrible thing to do.
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nta. i don't know why people think it's a good idea to fake military service or lie about it.
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esh. borderline n t a
fake vets deserve it. massive a hole for that. you should have contacted your cousin privately about it but then again, those people bring it on themselves. frauds get exposed.
hopefully your cousin finds someone real. could not even respect his partner enough to tell the truth. shame. better she found out now when she can still ditch hassle free.
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mass email is an ah move and makes you look petty.
using a wedding as a springboard for maximum humiliation ... ah move, and congratulations on ruining the bride's day, who presumably had nothing to do with any of this ... but "acceptable losses" amiright?
there are ways of handling this, and you chose the wrong way.
yta. it's not even close
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i can understand your frustrations, and i think it would have been fine to tell your cousin directly and show her proof, so she has all the facts before marrying.
however, yta for blowing up 400 people's emails with this. these types of guys dig their own graves eventually anyway and you just took yourself down with him.
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esh. except your cousin. he sucks for the whole stolen valor thing, you suck for exposing it to 400+ people without telling your cousin first, so she has to deal with both the shock of this enormous lie and what to do and utter embarrassment. your self righteous anger isn’t enough rationalization to make doing that to her. period.
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ESH
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ESH
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ESH
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NTA
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ESH
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NTA
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ESH
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YTA
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YTA
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ESH
| 0.332334
|
Classify the interpersonal conflict and explain your choice. Your choices are limited to you're the a**hole (yta) when the writer is causing the conflict, not the a**hole (nta) when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict, no a**holes here (nah) when no one is causing the conflict, everyone sucks here (esh) when everyone is causing the conflict, more information needed (info) when a classification cannot be made with the context provided. Conflict context: i served in swcc, special warfare combatant-craft crewmen. we operate small patrol boats, and we work with seals, usually the people getting the seals in and out of places. our training is quite similar to theirs, and when i heard that my cousin was getting married to a seal and when i heard about him, i knew he was a phony. the stories that were relayed back to me, and the shit i've seen from his post was just bullshit. i also heard that my nephew did more pull ups than him, 5, so i know that's horseshit. there's no navy seal who can only do 5 pull ups. bare minimum is like 10 or 15 to even get into basic training. i never got to meet this guy, and i think he was actually avoiding me because whenever i showed up he always left. i told everyone in the family my concerns, most just ignored me saying i misinterpreted what happened, i'm not a seal so i wouldn't know, these ignoramuses were just so stubborn. well i knew the only way to expose this fucker is to get outside help so i contacted don shipley, who is a former navy seal and he has a bunch of social media accounts and websites where he posts content of him exposing hundreds if not thousands of fake navy seals either by approaching them or calling them and blasting them online. anyone who suspects someone of being a fake seal can submit their info to don shipley, he will contact you back with proof of him being or not being a seal as he as a record to a database of every navy seal. shipley not only sends proof of him not being a seal, he also calls my cousin and he asks my cousin about his service. he calls him out on everything about how none of his service making sense, the main one being he said he was in seal class 111 which would've been like 40 years ago or something. i then sent this to everyone who was attending the wedding in a mass email chain. i was in one that had like 400 email addresses for the upcoming wedding attendees, as well as everyone on his facebook and ig friend's list. i have gotten so much hate from him and his family for this and my cousin is devastated knowing this man is a fraud and a liar, so is everyone else who grew to like him. everyone seems to hate me, i don't see why i did them all a favor
|
<s>[INST] <<SYS>>
Classify the interpersonal conflict and explain your choice. Your choices are limited to you're the a**hole (yta) when the writer is causing the conflict, not the a**hole (nta) when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict, no a**holes here (nah) when no one is causing the conflict, everyone sucks here (esh) when everyone is causing the conflict, more information needed (info) when a classification cannot be made with the context provided.
<</SYS>>
i served in swcc, special warfare combatant-craft crewmen. we operate small patrol boats, and we work with seals, usually the people getting the seals in and out of places. our training is quite similar to theirs, and when i heard that my cousin was getting married to a seal and when i heard about him, i knew he was a phony. the stories that were relayed back to me, and the shit i've seen from his post was just bullshit. i also heard that my nephew did more pull ups than him, 5, so i know that's horseshit. there's no navy seal who can only do 5 pull ups. bare minimum is like 10 or 15 to even get into basic training. i never got to meet this guy, and i think he was actually avoiding me because whenever i showed up he always left. i told everyone in the family my concerns, most just ignored me saying i misinterpreted what happened, i'm not a seal so i wouldn't know, these ignoramuses were just so stubborn. well i knew the only way to expose this fucker is to get outside help so i contacted don shipley, who is a former navy seal and he has a bunch of social media accounts and websites where he posts content of him exposing hundreds if not thousands of fake navy seals either by approaching them or calling them and blasting them online. anyone who suspects someone of being a fake seal can submit their info to don shipley, he will contact you back with proof of him being or not being a seal as he as a record to a database of every navy seal. shipley not only sends proof of him not being a seal, he also calls my cousin and he asks my cousin about his service. he calls him out on everything about how none of his service making sense, the main one being he said he was in seal class 111 which would've been like 40 years ago or something. i then sent this to everyone who was attending the wedding in a mass email chain. i was in one that had like 400 email addresses for the upcoming wedding attendees, as well as everyone on his facebook and ig friend's list. i have gotten so much hate from him and his family for this and my cousin is devastated knowing this man is a fraud and a liar, so is everyone else who grew to like him. everyone seems to hate me, i don't see why i did them all a favor [/INST] esh: not an ah - for exposing him but kind of ah for doing it in such a dramatic manner... maybe you could've shared the proofs with the bride and her family but not to all of the 400 guests... as it's said, 'one shouldn't wash their dirty linen in public' the matter could've been solved in a more peaceful and less insulting manner if was done privately... </s>
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AITA for telling my best friend that I’ll get a hotel room if he doesn’t have a bed for me to sleep in at his house?
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we’ve booked flights for a girl’s trip to chicago to see my best friend and his partner. we’re staying two nights and it’s my first time in chicago. my friends tend to have a laid back approach when it comes to flopping in someone’s house for the night (you land where you land), but i’m just not like that anymore, and historically i’ve landed in some pretty shit places. we’re in our early 30s and i can’t imagine a miserable two nights of sleep in between touring the city.
i told him that if i don’t end up in the guest bed, i’d rather grab a hotel room or an air bnb and i’m happy to plan ahead for that or decide when we get there. i would settle for an air mattress, but couch and floor are off the table. he says that i’m being “snooty,” and acts as though this is a high maintenance request. i’ve never been the type of person to set this kind of boundary, but i’m working on being less of a pushover .
| 645
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https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/ewgcdc/aita_for_telling_my_best_friend_that_ill_get_a/
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2020-01-31 01:26:37
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info: how did you phrase what you told him? because your request is 100% reasonable but the way you explained talking to him about it sounds a tad rude.
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nah, at some point people need to realize they’re not in college anymore and don’t have to act like it (sleeping on floors, going out super late just for the sake of getting drunk, that kind of stuff), and for most, that realization happens sometime in their mid-late 20s. there’s nothing wrong with staying in a hotel when visiting friends if they don’t have an actual room for you to sleep in. as long as you weren’t a jerk about how you explained it, nothing you’ve said is unreasonable. at the same time, it’s nice of your friend to try being accommodating so i don’t think he’s an ah either for giving you an option to save money by staying at his place for free.
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nta. in my 20s, i was happy to sleep on the coffee table using a towel as a blanket. now that i’m a grown up, i prefer a bed, with an actual pillow and all.
go ahead and reserve a hotel room, maybe one with a pool?
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nta.
you're a grown up now and you don't need to sleep on couches anymore. your friend will be a grown up one day too.
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nta. wanting to know where you're sleeping is not "high maintenance."
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nta, nice of him to offer his floor, but he should not be insulted if you make other arrangements.
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nta. you know your preferences. you are not demanding anything. you are offering to cover your own accommodations. snooty's ass. you are being considerate, while taking care of yourself. good job you!
| null | null | null |
INFO
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NAH
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
| null | null | null | 0.016724
|
Classify the interpersonal conflict and explain your choice. Your choices are limited to you're the a**hole (yta) when the writer is causing the conflict, not the a**hole (nta) when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict, no a**holes here (nah) when no one is causing the conflict, everyone sucks here (esh) when everyone is causing the conflict, more information needed (info) when a classification cannot be made with the context provided. Conflict context: we’ve booked flights for a girl’s trip to chicago to see my best friend and his partner. we’re staying two nights and it’s my first time in chicago. my friends tend to have a laid back approach when it comes to flopping in someone’s house for the night (you land where you land), but i’m just not like that anymore, and historically i’ve landed in some pretty shit places. we’re in our early 30s and i can’t imagine a miserable two nights of sleep in between touring the city. i told him that if i don’t end up in the guest bed, i’d rather grab a hotel room or an air bnb and i’m happy to plan ahead for that or decide when we get there. i would settle for an air mattress, but couch and floor are off the table. he says that i’m being “snooty,” and acts as though this is a high maintenance request. i’ve never been the type of person to set this kind of boundary, but i’m working on being less of a pushover .
|
<s>[INST] <<SYS>>
Classify the interpersonal conflict and explain your choice. Your choices are limited to you're the a**hole (yta) when the writer is causing the conflict, not the a**hole (nta) when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict, no a**holes here (nah) when no one is causing the conflict, everyone sucks here (esh) when everyone is causing the conflict, more information needed (info) when a classification cannot be made with the context provided.
<</SYS>>
we’ve booked flights for a girl’s trip to chicago to see my best friend and his partner. we’re staying two nights and it’s my first time in chicago. my friends tend to have a laid back approach when it comes to flopping in someone’s house for the night (you land where you land), but i’m just not like that anymore, and historically i’ve landed in some pretty shit places. we’re in our early 30s and i can’t imagine a miserable two nights of sleep in between touring the city. i told him that if i don’t end up in the guest bed, i’d rather grab a hotel room or an air bnb and i’m happy to plan ahead for that or decide when we get there. i would settle for an air mattress, but couch and floor are off the table. he says that i’m being “snooty,” and acts as though this is a high maintenance request. i’ve never been the type of person to set this kind of boundary, but i’m working on being less of a pushover . [/INST] info: how did you phrase what you told him? because your request is 100% reasonable but the way you explained talking to him about it sounds a tad rude. </s>
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AITA for refusing to pay from my gay son’s tuition after he came out to his family?
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my(40f) son(19m) came out to my husband(40m) and i when he was 14 years old. my husband and i are both atheists and support the lgbtq+ community and were both proud of our son for coming out. however, my husband’s mother is a devout catholic and is extremely intolerant of gay people. she is wealthy and my children were told from a young age their college would be paid for as long as they attended a private christian or catholic school. she believes this will keep them from partying, having premarital sex, etc. i don’t agree with this and have argued my children getting the best education possible regardless of the school’s religious affiliation should be her top priority, but she refuses to change her mind. my son chose a christian college one state over to attend. he graduated with a lot of college credit from taking many ap classes in high school and will be done in three years opposed to four. he’s currently just began year two which has been already paid for.
during labor day weekend, he came home to celebrate his grandmas birthday. he told one of his cousins that he was talking to a boy at his college, and thought he could trust him. he seemed supportive according to my son, but he told his mom and dad and my husband’s sister and her husband are just are religious as my mother in law and outted my son to her. she is livid and called me and informed me she will not be making any future payments toward his tuition and told me to relay the message to him as she will no longer be speaking to him. i have told him many times not to come out to his grandma, cousins, aunt or uncle until he was through with college. i hate that he can’t be himself, but my husband and i cannot afford his college. i don’t like my mother in law and will be going no contact once my other two children(15f and 13m) get their chance to have their tuition paid for as well. my son is okay with me waiting to do so for the sake of his siblings. he will unfortunately have to take out student loans and eat the cost of his final year.
my son is obviously devastated he both will not have his final year of college paid for next year and that his cousin is not someone he can trust. he now wants me and my husband to foot the bill next year. we have $25k saved up currently that we plan on using for much needed kitchen renovations. our oven barely works, our dishwasher doesn’t work at all, and the kitchen itself is worn down and outdated. my son is calling me an asshole for prioritizing to a “remodel” over his education. we’ve explained to him our kitchen is falling apart and it’s much needed and is nowhere near the cost of his tuition, so even if we postponed it, we would still be short as his private school is very expensive. i feel like he is an adult and he needs to be the one to deal with the consequences, not us. aita for not using our family’s savings to cover his remaining tuition?
| 14,473
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https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/xiuwgp/aita_for_refusing_to_pay_from_my_gay_sons_tuition/
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2022-09-20 01:19:01
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yta. not because you can't afford it and letting your adult son figure it out... but for saying it was *his* fault he lost his money.
in this entire post you are more angry and disappointed in your son instead of your bigot parents. you are more angry at your child than at the little tattle-tale who vomited homophobia at the first chance they got.
trying to hide yourself is so fucking hard, and you expected your son to not have any public relationships for years and years??? you say "i hate that he has to hide himself" but the moment he tripped up, you said, "well sucks to be you, now fuck off."
you're not as accepting as you seem.
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nta. in truth, the problem is your bigoted mil, not you or your son. however, you just cannot give your son what you cannot afford. he will simply have to take out a student loan, but maybe he could transfer his credits to a state college which would probably be less expensive. he could also possibly look at ways of paying back his loans through community service, like teach america, or the americorps.
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info: how are you gonna deal with future holidays?
your youngest is 13. that’s almost ten years until you can cut her off. you’re gonna enable her for the next ten years?
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your title is highkey bs--he didn't come out to his family. he came out to one person that he thought he could trust, and that person outed him to everyone else. overall, though, i have to say nah--it's understandable that you don't want to dump your savings, and it's understandable that he's upset about losing his college.
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nta. mostly.
i don't think paying for your kid's higher education is an obligation. it's nice if parents are wealthy enough to do so, but he's an adult now. it's kind of like buying them a car. totally your prerogative to spend your money however you want. the idea that parents can't have anything for themselves even when their kids are grown is crazy to me.
someone was willing to foot his bill. that changed. now he needs to pay for it himself. it happens.
that said, what he does deserve from you is support and feeling like you're on his side. that costs you nothing. so maybe it's not the time to point out how he "should have" done something differently, but rather the time to help him work through his options and his feelings.
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as a queer kid, who’s grandma changed her homophobic views when it got clear how i’d be turning out (talking age 5, here),
nta.
make it clear you’ll co-sign any loans to get him a better interest rate. the university system is massively fucked, and i’d go a lot farther than hiding my identity to get my education paid for. make sure your other kids understand what’s going on, if they choose to continue to have a relationship with grandma.
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nta. first and foremost, your son is not entitled to have you pay for his college expenses. you have no obligation to cover it, whether you had the extra money or not. he can handle his education expenses like all the many students who don't have a free family-sponsored ride.
you were all willing to compromise his identity and honesty to get grandmother's money. he got 2 out of 3 years tuition paid for the deceit. that's not nothing. he could look at it as him now being free of her catholic control - he could even transfer to another university if he wants.
be sure your other children understand that they don't have to go along with grandma's control and can decide to live their own lives if they don't want to trade for money.
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i am torn. this is incredibly difficult and i can see why you are asking there is a lot going on here.
where to begin...mil is generously offering to pay for college for each of her grandchildren *provided* that they all go to colleges she approves of (ie: religion based). (g-ma likes to be in control obviously)
you knew when your son was 14 that he was gay - however you, as his parents apparently decided that while you claim to accept this, told him that he couldn't tell anyone else because then grandma won't pay for school. so he has not been able to live his authentic self for a number of years and has to hid who he is. he learns that lying to get something you want and have someone pay for something is okay.
son has to go to a religion based school that most likely condemns his orientation and perhaps actually, actively preaches against it on campus - but he must endure this to have his schooling paid for.
son knows the probable consequences if religious family discovers secret but confides to a cousin who he is - cousin doesn't respect his privacy and tells the family. grandma finds out and ceases to pay for school from this point forward....and cuts off all communication and relationship with said grandson.
son now expects you to pay for his schooling because grandma pulled the plug. he has now learned a very harsh lesson about lies, trust, manipulation and consequences.
you never planned on paying for your children's college education so you did not have a back up plan. because you were hoping to keep making your son live a lie, at least until he was done with school.
you have money set aside for a (you claim) needed remodel and your son is mad at you for not using that to pay for his school.
you're going to go nc with your mil - but not until you get college educations for your other two children who, right now are only 15 and 13....aka suck up and gaslight grandma for at least another ***9 years*** and will not obviously 'support' or advocate 1st son in families presence so as not to be cut off financially.
there is a lot of assholeary going on here. grandma of course, you & your husband for so many things, but not the reason you asked... nta for not using your savings on his school, but may i suggest only getting the necessities, such as the appliances replaced and at least helping him a little bit with school this year with the understanding that he needs to find financing or other financial aid for the rest of school.
also now is the time to encourage your youngest two do very well in school with an eye to scholarships in the future as well as getting after school jobs to help with college expenses when they are older. grandma may pass away before they get to school and if she doesn't provide for their schooling in her will they will be screwed, she may change her mind, she may cut off your whole family for any reason she sees fit...because obviously she has no problem with cutting off your son.
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nta
the money is "blood money" so? this is america is 2022 we do not have the privilege of staying morally and financially pure in this country.
get your bag however you can for however long you can sleep soundly while getting it lol.
and speaking as a gay man i damn sure would have kept my mouth shut to secure my degree.
definitely wouldn't have trusted the kid of some religious fuckheads family or not.
yeah your son is facing the consequences of his actions. but that ain't your responsibility.
he made the decision to trust some religious fuckhead and it fucked him over. but he can't expect you to put aside everything for him.
fact is granny might just cut off his siblings too for fear that they might be tainted by proximity especially if they knew he was gay and she finds out they knew and didnt tell her.
and he damn sure ain't gonna help with their college.
smh it really sucks but that's the world we live in.
not the asshole op.
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nta your son got 2 years of college free so he’ll only have to finance a single year. go ahead and do your renovations, he knew the terms of the agreement and he chose to talk about his relationship instead of keeping quiet. a years worth of loans won’t kill him
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YTA
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NTA
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INFO
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NAH
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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Classify the interpersonal conflict and explain your choice. Your choices are limited to you're the a**hole (yta) when the writer is causing the conflict, not the a**hole (nta) when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict, no a**holes here (nah) when no one is causing the conflict, everyone sucks here (esh) when everyone is causing the conflict, more information needed (info) when a classification cannot be made with the context provided. Conflict context: my(40f) son(19m) came out to my husband(40m) and i when he was 14 years old. my husband and i are both atheists and support the lgbtq+ community and were both proud of our son for coming out. however, my husband’s mother is a devout catholic and is extremely intolerant of gay people. she is wealthy and my children were told from a young age their college would be paid for as long as they attended a private christian or catholic school. she believes this will keep them from partying, having premarital sex, etc. i don’t agree with this and have argued my children getting the best education possible regardless of the school’s religious affiliation should be her top priority, but she refuses to change her mind. my son chose a christian college one state over to attend. he graduated with a lot of college credit from taking many ap classes in high school and will be done in three years opposed to four. he’s currently just began year two which has been already paid for. during labor day weekend, he came home to celebrate his grandmas birthday. he told one of his cousins that he was talking to a boy at his college, and thought he could trust him. he seemed supportive according to my son, but he told his mom and dad and my husband’s sister and her husband are just are religious as my mother in law and outted my son to her. she is livid and called me and informed me she will not be making any future payments toward his tuition and told me to relay the message to him as she will no longer be speaking to him. i have told him many times not to come out to his grandma, cousins, aunt or uncle until he was through with college. i hate that he can’t be himself, but my husband and i cannot afford his college. i don’t like my mother in law and will be going no contact once my other two children(15f and 13m) get their chance to have their tuition paid for as well. my son is okay with me waiting to do so for the sake of his siblings. he will unfortunately have to take out student loans and eat the cost of his final year. my son is obviously devastated he both will not have his final year of college paid for next year and that his cousin is not someone he can trust. he now wants me and my husband to foot the bill next year. we have $25k saved up currently that we plan on using for much needed kitchen renovations. our oven barely works, our dishwasher doesn’t work at all, and the kitchen itself is worn down and outdated. my son is calling me an asshole for prioritizing to a “remodel” over his education. we’ve explained to him our kitchen is falling apart and it’s much needed and is nowhere near the cost of his tuition, so even if we postponed it, we would still be short as his private school is very expensive. i feel like he is an adult and he needs to be the one to deal with the consequences, not us. aita for not using our family’s savings to cover his remaining tuition?
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<s>[INST] <<SYS>>
Classify the interpersonal conflict and explain your choice. Your choices are limited to you're the a**hole (yta) when the writer is causing the conflict, not the a**hole (nta) when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict, no a**holes here (nah) when no one is causing the conflict, everyone sucks here (esh) when everyone is causing the conflict, more information needed (info) when a classification cannot be made with the context provided.
<</SYS>>
my(40f) son(19m) came out to my husband(40m) and i when he was 14 years old. my husband and i are both atheists and support the lgbtq+ community and were both proud of our son for coming out. however, my husband’s mother is a devout catholic and is extremely intolerant of gay people. she is wealthy and my children were told from a young age their college would be paid for as long as they attended a private christian or catholic school. she believes this will keep them from partying, having premarital sex, etc. i don’t agree with this and have argued my children getting the best education possible regardless of the school’s religious affiliation should be her top priority, but she refuses to change her mind. my son chose a christian college one state over to attend. he graduated with a lot of college credit from taking many ap classes in high school and will be done in three years opposed to four. he’s currently just began year two which has been already paid for. during labor day weekend, he came home to celebrate his grandmas birthday. he told one of his cousins that he was talking to a boy at his college, and thought he could trust him. he seemed supportive according to my son, but he told his mom and dad and my husband’s sister and her husband are just are religious as my mother in law and outted my son to her. she is livid and called me and informed me she will not be making any future payments toward his tuition and told me to relay the message to him as she will no longer be speaking to him. i have told him many times not to come out to his grandma, cousins, aunt or uncle until he was through with college. i hate that he can’t be himself, but my husband and i cannot afford his college. i don’t like my mother in law and will be going no contact once my other two children(15f and 13m) get their chance to have their tuition paid for as well. my son is okay with me waiting to do so for the sake of his siblings. he will unfortunately have to take out student loans and eat the cost of his final year. my son is obviously devastated he both will not have his final year of college paid for next year and that his cousin is not someone he can trust. he now wants me and my husband to foot the bill next year. we have $25k saved up currently that we plan on using for much needed kitchen renovations. our oven barely works, our dishwasher doesn’t work at all, and the kitchen itself is worn down and outdated. my son is calling me an asshole for prioritizing to a “remodel” over his education. we’ve explained to him our kitchen is falling apart and it’s much needed and is nowhere near the cost of his tuition, so even if we postponed it, we would still be short as his private school is very expensive. i feel like he is an adult and he needs to be the one to deal with the consequences, not us. aita for not using our family’s savings to cover his remaining tuition? [/INST] yta. not because you can't afford it and letting your adult son figure it out... but for saying it was *his* fault he lost his money. in this entire post you are more angry and disappointed in your son instead of your bigot parents. you are more angry at your child than at the little tattle-tale who vomited homophobia at the first chance they got. trying to hide yourself is so fucking hard, and you expected your son to not have any public relationships for years and years??? you say "i hate that he has to hide himself" but the moment he tripped up, you said, "well sucks to be you, now fuck off." you're not as accepting as you seem. </s>
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AITA for demanding that my girlfriends gymnastics routine be less "sexy?"
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i truly want an honest opinion so i'm going to include all details i can w/in char limit, even ones that aren't flattering to me.
i've been dating my gf for about a month. honestly i feel much stronger about her than she does me, but i'm hoping she comes around. she is on our university gymnastics team and is an incredible athlete. i went to her meet this afternoon and was freaking shocked to see how much of her floor routine had "sexual" elements. she did her routine to "p'on da replay" and as an example she crawled on all fours, she shook her ass, she did this thing where she went up and down her body with her finger (including her breasts) and then acted like her finger was sizzling. and during all this, her teammates cheered. i was blown away that this sort of sexuality was not only allowed but encouraged.
after the meet i told her i didn't think she should do that sort of stuff. she told me that it was normal for gymnastics and that her routine had been worked out for years with coaches and choreographers. i told her it was normal for strippers who danced for dollar bills. she told me i didn't get it. i told her that i didn't understand what was to get, i was her boyfriend and it was my job to look out for her. she told me "you are literally and asshole and way overstepping your bounds!" i told her that i didn't want to fight and she said it was too late. so instead of her going on a romantic date i had planned, she decided to hang out with her teammates. i am so upset because i was counting on seeing her tonight.
based on what she said, am i the asshole for thinking her routine should be less sexy and telling her so?
| 12,449
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https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/b4qz08/aita_for_demanding_that_my_girlfriends_gymnastics/
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2019-03-24 01:45:48
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yta, dude. don’t control your girlfriend because of your insecurities. if she competes at the university level, don’t quash her dreams. it’s a routine, not an invitation for sex for every man in the audience. you’re being ridiculous.
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yta.
you’re also probably single now (and deservedly so).
it’s absurd that one month into a relationship you felt you owned your girlfriend enough to tell her how to engage in her sport.
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yta. she's 100% right that you were way overstepping your bounds. you probably won't have to worry about anything she does in the future though. i'd be shocked if she isn't done with your victorian ass.
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[removed]
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yta.
i really only catch gymnastics during the olympics, but what you described doesn't seem too far out there. she's competing at the collegiate level, which means she's pretty damn good, and has people who know what they're doing coaching her.
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as a male competitive gymnast, yta.
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yta
you’re the asshole in so many ways. controlling, overstepping, patriarchal ideas about protection , creepy ideas about purity...
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yta. women don’t need men to look after them or decide how they should act. she’s a competitive athlete who clearly understands what is considered appropriate in her sport.
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[deleted]
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yta but i'm honestly curious what you expected her to say? like "gosh i've been training my whole life and use routine choreographed by a paid professional, but now that *you've* said something i see i've been doing this totally wrong"?
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YTA
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YTA
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YTA
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YTA
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YTA
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YTA
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YTA
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YTA
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Classify the interpersonal conflict and explain your choice. Your choices are limited to you're the a**hole (yta) when the writer is causing the conflict, not the a**hole (nta) when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict, no a**holes here (nah) when no one is causing the conflict, everyone sucks here (esh) when everyone is causing the conflict, more information needed (info) when a classification cannot be made with the context provided. Conflict context: i truly want an honest opinion so i'm going to include all details i can w/in char limit, even ones that aren't flattering to me. i've been dating my gf for about a month. honestly i feel much stronger about her than she does me, but i'm hoping she comes around. she is on our university gymnastics team and is an incredible athlete. i went to her meet this afternoon and was freaking shocked to see how much of her floor routine had "sexual" elements. she did her routine to "p'on da replay" and as an example she crawled on all fours, she shook her ass, she did this thing where she went up and down her body with her finger (including her breasts) and then acted like her finger was sizzling. and during all this, her teammates cheered. i was blown away that this sort of sexuality was not only allowed but encouraged. after the meet i told her i didn't think she should do that sort of stuff. she told me that it was normal for gymnastics and that her routine had been worked out for years with coaches and choreographers. i told her it was normal for strippers who danced for dollar bills. she told me i didn't get it. i told her that i didn't understand what was to get, i was her boyfriend and it was my job to look out for her. she told me "you are literally and asshole and way overstepping your bounds!" i told her that i didn't want to fight and she said it was too late. so instead of her going on a romantic date i had planned, she decided to hang out with her teammates. i am so upset because i was counting on seeing her tonight. based on what she said, am i the asshole for thinking her routine should be less sexy and telling her so?
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<s>[INST] <<SYS>>
Classify the interpersonal conflict and explain your choice. Your choices are limited to you're the a**hole (yta) when the writer is causing the conflict, not the a**hole (nta) when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict, no a**holes here (nah) when no one is causing the conflict, everyone sucks here (esh) when everyone is causing the conflict, more information needed (info) when a classification cannot be made with the context provided.
<</SYS>>
i truly want an honest opinion so i'm going to include all details i can w/in char limit, even ones that aren't flattering to me. i've been dating my gf for about a month. honestly i feel much stronger about her than she does me, but i'm hoping she comes around. she is on our university gymnastics team and is an incredible athlete. i went to her meet this afternoon and was freaking shocked to see how much of her floor routine had "sexual" elements. she did her routine to "p'on da replay" and as an example she crawled on all fours, she shook her ass, she did this thing where she went up and down her body with her finger (including her breasts) and then acted like her finger was sizzling. and during all this, her teammates cheered. i was blown away that this sort of sexuality was not only allowed but encouraged. after the meet i told her i didn't think she should do that sort of stuff. she told me that it was normal for gymnastics and that her routine had been worked out for years with coaches and choreographers. i told her it was normal for strippers who danced for dollar bills. she told me i didn't get it. i told her that i didn't understand what was to get, i was her boyfriend and it was my job to look out for her. she told me "you are literally and asshole and way overstepping your bounds!" i told her that i didn't want to fight and she said it was too late. so instead of her going on a romantic date i had planned, she decided to hang out with her teammates. i am so upset because i was counting on seeing her tonight. based on what she said, am i the asshole for thinking her routine should be less sexy and telling her so? [/INST] yta, dude. don’t control your girlfriend because of your insecurities. if she competes at the university level, don’t quash her dreams. it’s a routine, not an invitation for sex for every man in the audience. you’re being ridiculous. </s>
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AITA for being mildly annoyed at my girlfriend for using one of my eggs?
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i eat the same breakfast every work day: six fried eggs and an orange (yes, i know this is a lot of food for most people, but i weigh 300 pounds and need to be sure i don't get hungry before lunch). my girlfriend is well aware of this. she doesn't like eggs and never eats them, so it works out perfectly because each week when we go grocery shopping, i buy a 30-pack of eggs, which lasts exactly the week (6 eggs x 5 days = 30).
i work thursday to monday every week. this past sunday evening (when i had six eggs left in the carton for monday morning), i was in the shower and came out to discover that my girlfriend had used one of my eggs to make a cake. i wasn't really upset with her, but i was mildly annoyed because she knows full well that i was planning to eat it for breakfast the next day (and it was too late to go back out to get more eggs). i asked her to please let me know next time we're at the grocery store if she plans to need an egg that week so we can buy extra. she said i'm being ridiculous, that it's just one egg, and that she shouldn't have to plan everything ahead like that.
again, i want to emphasize that i'm not actually mad at her, just mildly annoyed. but she seems to think even that's an overreaction. aita?
| 13,602
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https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/ywo5d9/aita_for_being_mildly_annoyed_at_my_girlfriend/
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2022-11-16 08:36:12
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yta she used 1 egg, your weight isn't an excuse to eat like that. i weigh 292lb at my heaviest i was 307- that's a ridiculous ammount of eggs to eat.
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info
> i weigh 300 pounds and need to be sure i don't get hungry before lunch
... or what?
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yta: it’s one egg and she baked a whole cake
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yeah, sounds like you might have some underlying issues beyond missing an egg. yta because, jfc, it’s one freaking egg. how could that possibly make any appreciable difference in your day?
also, being 300lbs is probably an issue that needs addressing more urgently than someone using a single egg that you bought. are you a pro athlete? or is there some other reason why you’re not trying to be less than 300lbs? maybe have 2 eggs instead of 6? maybe the short time your body will spend being hungry (until your metabolism adjusts) will be outweighed by the benefits of not being 300lbs?
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[removed]
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no.... one....
pouts like gaston
no one shouts like gaston
nor has passive aggressive egg bouts like gaston!
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it's 1 bloody egg for god sake maybe the reason your 300 pounds is because your eating a whole 6 pack of eggs for your breakfast
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please give your girlfriend whatever device you're posting this on.
ok, hi. what recipe were you using that you only needed 1 egg for a cake? may i suggest a recipe called a twelve yolk pound cake. yes, 12! that's double of what your husband eats in a day. it's an amazing super rich cake made even better with a decadent creme anglaise. now, i know your boyfriend won't have eggs for a couple of days, but it's really worth it. now you definitely don't want to eat this everyday because of...well...heart attack, but maybe you're interested in seeing what a 300lb lifestyle is like. let me know if you need mid-week eggs since your grocery store is only open 1 day a week or if it's a money issue, i'd gladly send you the 6 bucks for a carton. you simply must try this cake!
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i once ate my bfs entire lunch because i thought he didn't want it (he actually saved it for later). it was an honest mistake.
he was less annoyed compared to you.
yta
also... why do you have to need to be sure you don't get hungry?
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what a fucking weird post. like i'm convinced you must have some form of ocd or something. like you don't even need 6 eggs in the morning, that's insane, and it really matters at all if you only get 5? or you'll be hungry by lunch? that egg is going to break you?
get a nutritionist (correction: dietician) or something to help you with this, you've got a problem. or a psychiatrist because this sounds like a mental block more than a physical one.
i'm not gonna say you're an asshole but there's definitely something more to this. like i make breakfast every morning for my household of 6 and usually never use more than 10 eggs for all of us. this is not normal dude.
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YTA
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INFO
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YTA
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YTA
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YTA
| null | 0.016
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Classify the interpersonal conflict and explain your choice. Your choices are limited to you're the a**hole (yta) when the writer is causing the conflict, not the a**hole (nta) when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict, no a**holes here (nah) when no one is causing the conflict, everyone sucks here (esh) when everyone is causing the conflict, more information needed (info) when a classification cannot be made with the context provided. Conflict context: i eat the same breakfast every work day: six fried eggs and an orange (yes, i know this is a lot of food for most people, but i weigh 300 pounds and need to be sure i don't get hungry before lunch). my girlfriend is well aware of this. she doesn't like eggs and never eats them, so it works out perfectly because each week when we go grocery shopping, i buy a 30-pack of eggs, which lasts exactly the week (6 eggs x 5 days = 30). i work thursday to monday every week. this past sunday evening (when i had six eggs left in the carton for monday morning), i was in the shower and came out to discover that my girlfriend had used one of my eggs to make a cake. i wasn't really upset with her, but i was mildly annoyed because she knows full well that i was planning to eat it for breakfast the next day (and it was too late to go back out to get more eggs). i asked her to please let me know next time we're at the grocery store if she plans to need an egg that week so we can buy extra. she said i'm being ridiculous, that it's just one egg, and that she shouldn't have to plan everything ahead like that. again, i want to emphasize that i'm not actually mad at her, just mildly annoyed. but she seems to think even that's an overreaction. aita?
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<s>[INST] <<SYS>>
Classify the interpersonal conflict and explain your choice. Your choices are limited to you're the a**hole (yta) when the writer is causing the conflict, not the a**hole (nta) when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict, no a**holes here (nah) when no one is causing the conflict, everyone sucks here (esh) when everyone is causing the conflict, more information needed (info) when a classification cannot be made with the context provided.
<</SYS>>
i eat the same breakfast every work day: six fried eggs and an orange (yes, i know this is a lot of food for most people, but i weigh 300 pounds and need to be sure i don't get hungry before lunch). my girlfriend is well aware of this. she doesn't like eggs and never eats them, so it works out perfectly because each week when we go grocery shopping, i buy a 30-pack of eggs, which lasts exactly the week (6 eggs x 5 days = 30). i work thursday to monday every week. this past sunday evening (when i had six eggs left in the carton for monday morning), i was in the shower and came out to discover that my girlfriend had used one of my eggs to make a cake. i wasn't really upset with her, but i was mildly annoyed because she knows full well that i was planning to eat it for breakfast the next day (and it was too late to go back out to get more eggs). i asked her to please let me know next time we're at the grocery store if she plans to need an egg that week so we can buy extra. she said i'm being ridiculous, that it's just one egg, and that she shouldn't have to plan everything ahead like that. again, i want to emphasize that i'm not actually mad at her, just mildly annoyed. but she seems to think even that's an overreaction. aita? [/INST] yta she used 1 egg, your weight isn't an excuse to eat like that. i weigh 292lb at my heaviest i was 307- that's a ridiculous ammount of eggs to eat. </s>
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AITA for setting a glitter trap to catch my mother in law trying to snoop?
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for some weird reason my mil really wants to go into our bedroom whenever she comes over. on one occasion i followed her as she went upstairs (i was going to get something for my child as the bedrooms are upstairs) and she walked past the bathroom on the main floor and up the stairs behind it. she didn’t hear me and i caught her walking straight into my room and rifling through bills on my dresser. she denied snooping (even though i’d just watched her do it) and said she was just going to use our bathroom because she couldn’t find the other ones. she walked right past the one on the main floor and another one in the upstairs hallway to go into our bedroom. since that happened, i installed an exterior doorknob that requires a key on our bedroom door and one on the door to our office/spare bedroom.
however, she’s still always “forgetting” where the bathroom is and trying the bedroom and office door. this really ticks me off. my husband says that i just get annoyed at this because everything she does drives me crazy and since we’ve put locks on the rooms we don’t want her in, there isn’t really a problem anymore.
well over the holidays we had my in laws over for dinner and before they came i was searching for the bedroom keys. we hadn’t used them in a while since we only lock the doors when mil comes over. my husband told me we didn’t need to lock the doors since she wouldn’t try to get into the rooms and i insisted that she would because she loves to snoop. we went back and forth and decided to cover the doorknobs in super fine glitter to see if she tried them.
i did this once before when husband didn’t believe me about the snooping to prove she’d been in the rooms. last time she ignored the glitter and we didn’t say anything about it but then my husband couldn’t deny that she’d tried to snoop. so this time i covered the knobs in glitter and for the office went a touch further and rigged a little folder of glitter over the door to the office before the in laws came over. i left it one side unlocked (french doors) and it was set so if you walked in the room you would get covered in glitter.
husband goes out of his way to show his mom the main floor bathroom when they got here and specifically asks his parents and sister not to go upstairs. there’s a baby gate so the kids can’t get upstairs either.
well guess who had to go to the bathroom and got covered in glitter and had it all over their hands and hair? she completely lost it and started screaming at me so i yelled back and now my husband is saying i went too far and i’m the asshole. mil also says i’m the asshole but sil says i didn’t do anything wrong and mil deserved it for snooping. fil is switzerland. apparently her car is ruined now too because it’s covered in glitter that she cant get cleaned up. so aita?
| 34,821
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https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/rsnfcq/aita_for_setting_a_glitter_trap_to_catch_my/
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2021-12-31 06:27:13
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nta.
your mil is an issue but the fact that your husband refuses to set and enforce boundaries with her is actually the larger issue here.
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absolutely nta - that is hysterical!!!!!!! you are my goddamn hero 😂😂😂😂
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nta
i had a good laugh at this. i feel like you did a good job leading up to this and were incredibly patient with a boundary stomping mil.
my petty ass doesn’t see this as your fault. i mean sure we know you set a trap for her. but she had been explicitly told time and time again to not go into those rooms.
i mean, how were you really supposed to know she would ruin your nice and neat glitter envelope that you worked so hard on and accidentally left on the door of the office.
the way i see it she owes you an apology because her recklessness got glitter all over your floors, and you now have to refill your special glitter envelope. /s in case i’m not clear.
(edit spelling mistakes, grammar, i wrote this at like 2am)
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nta. why is your husband okay with his mother walking all over your boundaries.
also, the getting caught with glitter on her hands is hilarious, but it's going to be hard to clean up, for you.
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my 7 year old overheard me reading this to my sister. she accidentally swore in front of me (and sobbed afterward) saying “no way! she is not the asshole!!” i didn’t even get mad about the accidental swearing, you are nta.
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nta- but you missed out on the perfect opportunity to spread disinformation. make up fun documents to leave "hidden" on your desk about how your helping the un with a "crisis" or leave out fake letters from heads of state or whoever her favorite famous person is. if she's gonna snoop have fun with it.
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nta.
pretty self evident who’s the ah here, and it ain’t you.
your ml sounds nuts, and your hubby needs his head examined.
bravo on the sting op though. well played.
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nta - but you have a husband problem as well as a mil problem. your husband wants to rug sweep his mom's snooping, and i'd bet actual money he hid or threw away the keys to the locks just so you couldn't lock his precious mommy out of your rooms.
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"if you didn't want any glitter on you why did you go into my glitter room?"
"that's your office!?"
"no, it's my glitter room."
nta.
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nta - first off, i really hope you have hardwood floors. second, how the hell is he actually defending her now that she had been caught red-handed multiple times? that’s on him.
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
| 0
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Classify the interpersonal conflict and explain your choice. Your choices are limited to you're the a**hole (yta) when the writer is causing the conflict, not the a**hole (nta) when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict, no a**holes here (nah) when no one is causing the conflict, everyone sucks here (esh) when everyone is causing the conflict, more information needed (info) when a classification cannot be made with the context provided. Conflict context: for some weird reason my mil really wants to go into our bedroom whenever she comes over. on one occasion i followed her as she went upstairs (i was going to get something for my child as the bedrooms are upstairs) and she walked past the bathroom on the main floor and up the stairs behind it. she didn’t hear me and i caught her walking straight into my room and rifling through bills on my dresser. she denied snooping (even though i’d just watched her do it) and said she was just going to use our bathroom because she couldn’t find the other ones. she walked right past the one on the main floor and another one in the upstairs hallway to go into our bedroom. since that happened, i installed an exterior doorknob that requires a key on our bedroom door and one on the door to our office/spare bedroom. however, she’s still always “forgetting” where the bathroom is and trying the bedroom and office door. this really ticks me off. my husband says that i just get annoyed at this because everything she does drives me crazy and since we’ve put locks on the rooms we don’t want her in, there isn’t really a problem anymore. well over the holidays we had my in laws over for dinner and before they came i was searching for the bedroom keys. we hadn’t used them in a while since we only lock the doors when mil comes over. my husband told me we didn’t need to lock the doors since she wouldn’t try to get into the rooms and i insisted that she would because she loves to snoop. we went back and forth and decided to cover the doorknobs in super fine glitter to see if she tried them. i did this once before when husband didn’t believe me about the snooping to prove she’d been in the rooms. last time she ignored the glitter and we didn’t say anything about it but then my husband couldn’t deny that she’d tried to snoop. so this time i covered the knobs in glitter and for the office went a touch further and rigged a little folder of glitter over the door to the office before the in laws came over. i left it one side unlocked (french doors) and it was set so if you walked in the room you would get covered in glitter. husband goes out of his way to show his mom the main floor bathroom when they got here and specifically asks his parents and sister not to go upstairs. there’s a baby gate so the kids can’t get upstairs either. well guess who had to go to the bathroom and got covered in glitter and had it all over their hands and hair? she completely lost it and started screaming at me so i yelled back and now my husband is saying i went too far and i’m the asshole. mil also says i’m the asshole but sil says i didn’t do anything wrong and mil deserved it for snooping. fil is switzerland. apparently her car is ruined now too because it’s covered in glitter that she cant get cleaned up. so aita?
|
<s>[INST] <<SYS>>
Classify the interpersonal conflict and explain your choice. Your choices are limited to you're the a**hole (yta) when the writer is causing the conflict, not the a**hole (nta) when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict, no a**holes here (nah) when no one is causing the conflict, everyone sucks here (esh) when everyone is causing the conflict, more information needed (info) when a classification cannot be made with the context provided.
<</SYS>>
for some weird reason my mil really wants to go into our bedroom whenever she comes over. on one occasion i followed her as she went upstairs (i was going to get something for my child as the bedrooms are upstairs) and she walked past the bathroom on the main floor and up the stairs behind it. she didn’t hear me and i caught her walking straight into my room and rifling through bills on my dresser. she denied snooping (even though i’d just watched her do it) and said she was just going to use our bathroom because she couldn’t find the other ones. she walked right past the one on the main floor and another one in the upstairs hallway to go into our bedroom. since that happened, i installed an exterior doorknob that requires a key on our bedroom door and one on the door to our office/spare bedroom. however, she’s still always “forgetting” where the bathroom is and trying the bedroom and office door. this really ticks me off. my husband says that i just get annoyed at this because everything she does drives me crazy and since we’ve put locks on the rooms we don’t want her in, there isn’t really a problem anymore. well over the holidays we had my in laws over for dinner and before they came i was searching for the bedroom keys. we hadn’t used them in a while since we only lock the doors when mil comes over. my husband told me we didn’t need to lock the doors since she wouldn’t try to get into the rooms and i insisted that she would because she loves to snoop. we went back and forth and decided to cover the doorknobs in super fine glitter to see if she tried them. i did this once before when husband didn’t believe me about the snooping to prove she’d been in the rooms. last time she ignored the glitter and we didn’t say anything about it but then my husband couldn’t deny that she’d tried to snoop. so this time i covered the knobs in glitter and for the office went a touch further and rigged a little folder of glitter over the door to the office before the in laws came over. i left it one side unlocked (french doors) and it was set so if you walked in the room you would get covered in glitter. husband goes out of his way to show his mom the main floor bathroom when they got here and specifically asks his parents and sister not to go upstairs. there’s a baby gate so the kids can’t get upstairs either. well guess who had to go to the bathroom and got covered in glitter and had it all over their hands and hair? she completely lost it and started screaming at me so i yelled back and now my husband is saying i went too far and i’m the asshole. mil also says i’m the asshole but sil says i didn’t do anything wrong and mil deserved it for snooping. fil is switzerland. apparently her car is ruined now too because it’s covered in glitter that she cant get cleaned up. so aita? [/INST] nta. your mil is an issue but the fact that your husband refuses to set and enforce boundaries with her is actually the larger issue here. </s>
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AITA for indirectly calling my wife a lunatic after she kept trying to get me to consent to naming our daughter George?
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it's definitely the weirdest situation that's come up during our relationship. i would not consider her weird or atypical by any means. we both are very normal and average, so at first i didn't believe her and thought she was joking when she said she liked the name george for our daughter. this came after we'd been discussing traditional girl names for our daughter, so it wasn't even like she'd been considering anything gender neutral previously.
there was no reason in particular for wanting to use george other than she liked it because it would be unique and she thought it would be cute. i disagree on both fronts, but more importantly, i was against it because it's going to lead to a lifetime of bullying. i can see our daughter hating us when she's older for forcing her to deal with a name that made her a target for bullies, and she would be within her rights if she did.
i told my wife my objections, but she insisted that we name our daughter george and kept aggressively trying to change my mind. that is when i said that only a lunatic would think naming a girl george is a good idea.
i have tried to backtrack some by pointing out that i never directly called her a lunatic but only said that someone who thinks it's a good idea is one, but that hasn't made any difference. the thing is i still do believe that it's a crazy thing to want to do and borderline parental negligence. i don't think a rational person would do it knowing the child will be the one to take the brunt of the pushback.
maybe i shouldn't have said it, but sometimes the truth hurts and we need to be called out when we're so far out of line, which is what i thought i was doing here after she refused to listen to my concerns.
things aren't great right now, but i'm still not sure if i did anything wrong here so i want to know if i am the asshole.
| 2,403
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https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/iuwqov/aita_for_indirectly_calling_my_wife_a_lunatic/
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2020-09-18 01:27:21
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esh. she should be considering your opinion rather than just settling on one name and insisting that that has to be it. but you did in fact directly call her a lunatic. she said "i like this name for a girl" and you said "anyone who likes that name for a girl is a lunatic". you can do whatever mental gymnastics you feel like to pretend that that's not what you did, but it still is. and you basically accused her of being an unfit mother on top of it. and if you want her to take responsibility for what she did wrong, it would probably help if you would take responsibility for your own actions as well.
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nta - some people are completely unreasonable when it comes to kid's names. she wants to name her daughter a traditionally male name. that's going to lead to frustration and problems. you are right to stop this and you're a hundred percent correct that it can lead to frustrations in school and beyond.
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there was a fictional teenage girl detective whose name slips my mind at this moment, but her best girlfriend was named george. even after all these years i still remember that.
not sure what this adds.
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esh. you don't have to agree but it's not *that* weird, there was no need to insult her over it. she's ta too because she should have moved on when you said you didn't like it.
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nta, if she won't even consider the variant to george like georgia, she is being weird and stubborn. your child will likely not enjoy being called george growing up.
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gonna be blunt here, yta because your backtracking sucked. you never play the "technically" card. own up that you called her a lunatic. your apology is insincere, so you guys are getting hung up on that.
&#x200b;
that way, you can get back to how she's a lunatic and is going to ruin her daughter's life. sam or morgan would be better if the idea is to give them a gender neutral name. if that isn't the point, she's just setting your daughter up for a lifetime of bullying and resentment towards her parents that made her suffer.
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other names that were men's names until they weren't: ashley, kelsey, taylor, alex, blake... etc. you don't have to like the name but in 10 years there will probably be a ton of girls named... whatever, honestly. probably some george.
your wife is being intense about it but, sorry, so are you. esh.
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esh. you're the ah because you called her a lunatic, but she also sucks because she won't come to a compromise.
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what about georgina or georgia or georgiana?
i don't like boy names for little girls, but i think george as a nickname could be cute for a more feminine name.
i'm changing my vote based on below.
nta
edited out the word 'straight' because it didn't mean sexuality.
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esh. you for calling her names and her for not taking your objections into account. i don’t think george is that bad of a name but i would hope that both partners would get a say and if you’re so against it then she should find a name you both enjoy.
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ESH
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NTA
| null |
ESH
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NTA
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YTA
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ESH
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ESH
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NTA
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ESH
| 0.679453
|
Classify the interpersonal conflict and explain your choice. Your choices are limited to you're the a**hole (yta) when the writer is causing the conflict, not the a**hole (nta) when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict, no a**holes here (nah) when no one is causing the conflict, everyone sucks here (esh) when everyone is causing the conflict, more information needed (info) when a classification cannot be made with the context provided. Conflict context: it's definitely the weirdest situation that's come up during our relationship. i would not consider her weird or atypical by any means. we both are very normal and average, so at first i didn't believe her and thought she was joking when she said she liked the name george for our daughter. this came after we'd been discussing traditional girl names for our daughter, so it wasn't even like she'd been considering anything gender neutral previously. there was no reason in particular for wanting to use george other than she liked it because it would be unique and she thought it would be cute. i disagree on both fronts, but more importantly, i was against it because it's going to lead to a lifetime of bullying. i can see our daughter hating us when she's older for forcing her to deal with a name that made her a target for bullies, and she would be within her rights if she did. i told my wife my objections, but she insisted that we name our daughter george and kept aggressively trying to change my mind. that is when i said that only a lunatic would think naming a girl george is a good idea. i have tried to backtrack some by pointing out that i never directly called her a lunatic but only said that someone who thinks it's a good idea is one, but that hasn't made any difference. the thing is i still do believe that it's a crazy thing to want to do and borderline parental negligence. i don't think a rational person would do it knowing the child will be the one to take the brunt of the pushback. maybe i shouldn't have said it, but sometimes the truth hurts and we need to be called out when we're so far out of line, which is what i thought i was doing here after she refused to listen to my concerns. things aren't great right now, but i'm still not sure if i did anything wrong here so i want to know if i am the asshole.
|
<s>[INST] <<SYS>>
Classify the interpersonal conflict and explain your choice. Your choices are limited to you're the a**hole (yta) when the writer is causing the conflict, not the a**hole (nta) when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict, no a**holes here (nah) when no one is causing the conflict, everyone sucks here (esh) when everyone is causing the conflict, more information needed (info) when a classification cannot be made with the context provided.
<</SYS>>
it's definitely the weirdest situation that's come up during our relationship. i would not consider her weird or atypical by any means. we both are very normal and average, so at first i didn't believe her and thought she was joking when she said she liked the name george for our daughter. this came after we'd been discussing traditional girl names for our daughter, so it wasn't even like she'd been considering anything gender neutral previously. there was no reason in particular for wanting to use george other than she liked it because it would be unique and she thought it would be cute. i disagree on both fronts, but more importantly, i was against it because it's going to lead to a lifetime of bullying. i can see our daughter hating us when she's older for forcing her to deal with a name that made her a target for bullies, and she would be within her rights if she did. i told my wife my objections, but she insisted that we name our daughter george and kept aggressively trying to change my mind. that is when i said that only a lunatic would think naming a girl george is a good idea. i have tried to backtrack some by pointing out that i never directly called her a lunatic but only said that someone who thinks it's a good idea is one, but that hasn't made any difference. the thing is i still do believe that it's a crazy thing to want to do and borderline parental negligence. i don't think a rational person would do it knowing the child will be the one to take the brunt of the pushback. maybe i shouldn't have said it, but sometimes the truth hurts and we need to be called out when we're so far out of line, which is what i thought i was doing here after she refused to listen to my concerns. things aren't great right now, but i'm still not sure if i did anything wrong here so i want to know if i am the asshole. [/INST] esh. she should be considering your opinion rather than just settling on one name and insisting that that has to be it. but you did in fact directly call her a lunatic. she said "i like this name for a girl" and you said "anyone who likes that name for a girl is a lunatic". you can do whatever mental gymnastics you feel like to pretend that that's not what you did, but it still is. and you basically accused her of being an unfit mother on top of it. and if you want her to take responsibility for what she did wrong, it would probably help if you would take responsibility for your own actions as well. </s>
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AITA for not wanting to bathe a child?
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after i graduated from college, my parents bought me a fairly sized apartment as a gift. since i had some extra space and didn't mind any extra cash, i decided to find a roommate.
my rommate is a friend from high school (28f) and she has a son (6). they have been renting for the past 4 years.
she goes out 2-3 times a month and asks me to babysit since the regular babysitter, that comes 6 days a week, doesn't work on sunday. it isn't a big deal for me since i just order some food and we watch tv or i just let him play video games.
so far there weren't any issues until last sunday. after the dinner, we watched tv and then i turned on xbox for him so i could answer some emails. while i was typing, he comes to me, and before he could say it, the stench hit me. he had an accident. i had to get up and move from him because i was getting sick. i told him to sit and tried calling his mom, who didn't answer.
i messaged her saying that her son had an accident and to get back asap. she wrote me to: "just run him a bath and change his clothes". i answered: " no, i can't do that, please hurry". she didn't respond so i just thought that she was on her way, so i told the kid to wait for his mom in their room.
an hour and a half later, she finally returned and asked me if i figured it out. i told her no and that i wrote her that i can't do it. she just stormed off to her room. a bit later, she walked up to me upset and said: "are you fu\*king kidding me, you really let him sit like this all this time? come on, fu\*king a\*\*hole, what was the problem?"
i just apologized and once again told her that i just couldn't get myself to do it, after which she went back to her room. i've never in my life changed or bathed a child and i couldn't stand the smell. i think that i would probably be able to do it if he had just wet himself, but dunno honestly.
my buddy laughed at me and called me a little b\*\*ch after i told him this.
| 7,315
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https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/s2y9cp/aita_for_not_wanting_to_bathe_a_child/
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2022-01-13 12:23:19
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esh. before you started babysitting, you two should have talked about what you can do and what not.
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yta. if you aren't capable of looking after a child, you shouldn't be offering to babysit. you let a kid sit with shit in his pants for an hour and a half dude.
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at six he should be old enough to bathe himself as long as you fill the tub up for him and make sure it’s not too hot. and then pick some clothes for him. you don’t have to actually wash and dress him. you are kinda the asshole.
but his mom is also the asshole because at the end of the day she’s his mother and unless you’re being paid he’s not really your responsibility. she should have picked up the phone and called to either walk you through it or realize you’re incompetent and come home.
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esh but i get it. you shouldn't really be babysitting if you can't sort out any emergencies like this but once you said you couldn't do it she should have come home straight away.
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nta. she should’ve come home when you told her there was a problem. i would’ve felt very awkward cleaning up and bathing a child that i wasn’t related to. that’s just really weird and can also make the kid feel really uncomfortable. you probably could’ve put him in the bathroom and instructed him how to clean himself up a bit through the door but other than that, i don’t see what you did wrong. it sounds like she’s just mad that she had to cut her plans short.
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i have to go with yta.
clearly you are doing your friend a favor as you are not getting paid to babysit (i assume) and this was not a boundary that was clearly set before you began helping. however, when you are in a situation where a kid is suffering and you don’t help them, then yta.
if you had gotten him cleaned up and refused to take care of him ever again, then i would say nta. if you friend had rushed out and left the kid with you without your permission, i would saw esh.
a 6 year old can probably undress, bathe and dress himself. all you had to do was get the water to be a decent temperature and leave the crappy clothes on the floor for mom.
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the kid is 6. if you were going to do this you need to have kept hounding her/stressed it more. that said, you are in no way required to babysit like a real babysitter. absolutely not. the mum is at fault 100%. but, once the accident happened what you did was child abuse. esh.
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am i crazy to think that a 6yo shouldn’t be having accidents like that, and should be able to undress, wipe himself and shower?
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yta. i know you can't see it right now, but there will come the day when you will need someone to wipe your ass. hopefully they will have more compassion for you than you had for this child.
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esh
what exactly do you mean you don’t know to handle it? it’s not as if you’re changing a diaper. what would you do if you had an accident on yourself? you’d remove your bottoms, your top, run a shower, and wash your clothes. if you can’t figure that out, then maybe you shouldn’t be living alone either. this isn’t science and the child is not a baby.
even if you didn’t want to be in the same area you could have ran the bath and had him go in and talk him through clothing removal and getting in the tub. what you did could have left a really bad rash which could have later become infected. this petty excuse of “i didn’t know what to do” when you change every single day is just laziness.
you didn’t even have to clean up the mess. as long as he was bathed and in good clothes his mother could have cleaned up when she got home.
the mom is an ah too regardless for not ensuring you can handle these situations. i hope this doesn’t affect yalls housing situation because over all it seems like it works. but come on dude. be better.
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ESH
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YTA
| null |
ESH
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NTA
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YTA
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ESH
| null |
YTA
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ESH
| 0.153093
|
Classify the interpersonal conflict and explain your choice. Your choices are limited to you're the a**hole (yta) when the writer is causing the conflict, not the a**hole (nta) when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict, no a**holes here (nah) when no one is causing the conflict, everyone sucks here (esh) when everyone is causing the conflict, more information needed (info) when a classification cannot be made with the context provided. Conflict context: after i graduated from college, my parents bought me a fairly sized apartment as a gift. since i had some extra space and didn't mind any extra cash, i decided to find a roommate. my rommate is a friend from high school (28f) and she has a son (6). they have been renting for the past 4 years. she goes out 2-3 times a month and asks me to babysit since the regular babysitter, that comes 6 days a week, doesn't work on sunday. it isn't a big deal for me since i just order some food and we watch tv or i just let him play video games. so far there weren't any issues until last sunday. after the dinner, we watched tv and then i turned on xbox for him so i could answer some emails. while i was typing, he comes to me, and before he could say it, the stench hit me. he had an accident. i had to get up and move from him because i was getting sick. i told him to sit and tried calling his mom, who didn't answer. i messaged her saying that her son had an accident and to get back asap. she wrote me to: "just run him a bath and change his clothes". i answered: " no, i can't do that, please hurry". she didn't respond so i just thought that she was on her way, so i told the kid to wait for his mom in their room. an hour and a half later, she finally returned and asked me if i figured it out. i told her no and that i wrote her that i can't do it. she just stormed off to her room. a bit later, she walked up to me upset and said: "are you fu\*king kidding me, you really let him sit like this all this time? come on, fu\*king a\*\*hole, what was the problem?" i just apologized and once again told her that i just couldn't get myself to do it, after which she went back to her room. i've never in my life changed or bathed a child and i couldn't stand the smell. i think that i would probably be able to do it if he had just wet himself, but dunno honestly. my buddy laughed at me and called me a little b\*\*ch after i told him this.
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<s>[INST] <<SYS>>
Classify the interpersonal conflict and explain your choice. Your choices are limited to you're the a**hole (yta) when the writer is causing the conflict, not the a**hole (nta) when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict, no a**holes here (nah) when no one is causing the conflict, everyone sucks here (esh) when everyone is causing the conflict, more information needed (info) when a classification cannot be made with the context provided.
<</SYS>>
after i graduated from college, my parents bought me a fairly sized apartment as a gift. since i had some extra space and didn't mind any extra cash, i decided to find a roommate. my rommate is a friend from high school (28f) and she has a son (6). they have been renting for the past 4 years. she goes out 2-3 times a month and asks me to babysit since the regular babysitter, that comes 6 days a week, doesn't work on sunday. it isn't a big deal for me since i just order some food and we watch tv or i just let him play video games. so far there weren't any issues until last sunday. after the dinner, we watched tv and then i turned on xbox for him so i could answer some emails. while i was typing, he comes to me, and before he could say it, the stench hit me. he had an accident. i had to get up and move from him because i was getting sick. i told him to sit and tried calling his mom, who didn't answer. i messaged her saying that her son had an accident and to get back asap. she wrote me to: "just run him a bath and change his clothes". i answered: " no, i can't do that, please hurry". she didn't respond so i just thought that she was on her way, so i told the kid to wait for his mom in their room. an hour and a half later, she finally returned and asked me if i figured it out. i told her no and that i wrote her that i can't do it. she just stormed off to her room. a bit later, she walked up to me upset and said: "are you fu\*king kidding me, you really let him sit like this all this time? come on, fu\*king a\*\*hole, what was the problem?" i just apologized and once again told her that i just couldn't get myself to do it, after which she went back to her room. i've never in my life changed or bathed a child and i couldn't stand the smell. i think that i would probably be able to do it if he had just wet himself, but dunno honestly. my buddy laughed at me and called me a little b\*\*ch after i told him this. [/INST] esh. before you started babysitting, you two should have talked about what you can do and what not. </s>
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AITA if my roomate constantly blames me for setting off our house fire alarm with the shower?
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okay. so, i’ve bit my lip twice. and tonight i had enough. my female roomate likes to burn candles in her room. totally normal, i get it. but! sometimes the smoke causes our home fire detectors to go off.
tonight, as i’m getting out of a nice long shower she proceeds to blame my steamy shower for the alarm.
my retort out loud in front of the engaged couple that own the house: “brandy, they aren’t steam detectors, they are fire detectors!” i said this as i was walking into my bedroom to avoid confrontation. but c’mon!!! the idiocy was enough to drown in. steam, from the shower, causing fire detectors to go off. that means water makes fire.
am i the asshole?
| 429
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https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/op78db/aita_if_my_roomate_constantly_blames_me_for/
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2021-07-22 05:09:10
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info. you need to test both the shower and the candles independently of each other.
it's not as cut and dry as you think. smoke detectors can sometimes be set off by the water vapor in the air blocking the sensor. the next time you shower, make sure that your roommate has extinguished all of their candles beforehand and see if the alarm goes off.
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yta and your logic sucks. you don't understand anything about how fire alarms work. fire alarms are triggered by smoke detectors and/or heat detectors. depending on the sensor mechanism, it is possible for either smoke or heat detectors to be inadvertently tripped by steam. this doesn't imply that water makes fire, it means that false alarms are possible and fire alarms aren't perfect. you are probably responsible for the fire alarm going off and you lashed out at your roommate needlessly. you owe her an apology.
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yta. you sound awful
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nta but steam very much does set off smoke detectors if you take a hot enough shower. i in fact set off ours yesterday (it's a nice newer one and is very close to the bathroom door) so it's not entirely unreasonable....
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[removed]
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honestly, yta just for the way you’re reacting to people in the comments… don’t come here to be judged then get upset when you are.
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in this case your attitude made you an asshole.
it doesn't matter that you were ignorant of how smoke smoke detectors work and overestimated your knowledge.
it also doesn't matter if it was a shower or candles that set off the alarm.
yta
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god it must be tiring to live in this house.
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probably, yta. at the very least, you don't understand how they work. smoke detectors often work in one of two ways- either picking up heat, or if there's something in the air that blocks a sensor in it. in either case, the hot steam from the shower is going to set them off way before something as small as a candle flame will. the apartment i lived in during college would always go off if you were in the shower too long because of the steam.
do the alarms go off when you're *not* taking a shower?
|
yta
steam from showers or cooking can definitely set off sensitive smoke detectors.
it seems more likely than smoke from candles setting it off unless there is a ton of very smokey candles.
apologise and vent the bathroom when you shower. if the candles bother you then bring that up too.
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INFO
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YTA
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YTA
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NTA
| null |
YTA
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YTA
| null |
YTA
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YTA
| 0.097871
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Classify the interpersonal conflict and explain your choice. Your choices are limited to you're the a**hole (yta) when the writer is causing the conflict, not the a**hole (nta) when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict, no a**holes here (nah) when no one is causing the conflict, everyone sucks here (esh) when everyone is causing the conflict, more information needed (info) when a classification cannot be made with the context provided. Conflict context: okay. so, i’ve bit my lip twice. and tonight i had enough. my female roomate likes to burn candles in her room. totally normal, i get it. but! sometimes the smoke causes our home fire detectors to go off. tonight, as i’m getting out of a nice long shower she proceeds to blame my steamy shower for the alarm. my retort out loud in front of the engaged couple that own the house: “brandy, they aren’t steam detectors, they are fire detectors!” i said this as i was walking into my bedroom to avoid confrontation. but c’mon!!! the idiocy was enough to drown in. steam, from the shower, causing fire detectors to go off. that means water makes fire. am i the asshole?
|
<s>[INST] <<SYS>>
Classify the interpersonal conflict and explain your choice. Your choices are limited to you're the a**hole (yta) when the writer is causing the conflict, not the a**hole (nta) when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict, no a**holes here (nah) when no one is causing the conflict, everyone sucks here (esh) when everyone is causing the conflict, more information needed (info) when a classification cannot be made with the context provided.
<</SYS>>
okay. so, i’ve bit my lip twice. and tonight i had enough. my female roomate likes to burn candles in her room. totally normal, i get it. but! sometimes the smoke causes our home fire detectors to go off. tonight, as i’m getting out of a nice long shower she proceeds to blame my steamy shower for the alarm. my retort out loud in front of the engaged couple that own the house: “brandy, they aren’t steam detectors, they are fire detectors!” i said this as i was walking into my bedroom to avoid confrontation. but c’mon!!! the idiocy was enough to drown in. steam, from the shower, causing fire detectors to go off. that means water makes fire. am i the asshole? [/INST] info. you need to test both the shower and the candles independently of each other. it's not as cut and dry as you think. smoke detectors can sometimes be set off by the water vapor in the air blocking the sensor. the next time you shower, make sure that your roommate has extinguished all of their candles beforehand and see if the alarm goes off. </s>
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AITA for asking a girl I coach to "just try" and "why are you here?
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background, i have coached or been involved in coaching girls softball for about 10 years. long enough that i have seen all 4 of my daughters move through all the age categories.
i am now coaching my youngest daughter's (f16) team and we are 4 games deep into the season. things have been going well, everyone gets along and generally tries to do well. we are 2-2 on the season so far. there is one girl, we will call her, mary, who doesn't put in any effort. she won't chase down balls, she won't swing when at bat...just total apathy. i don't need all-stars, i need effort.
fast forward to last night, she has had 2 previous plate appearances on the evening without so much as an attempt at hitting the ball. now we are top of the last inning, we are down by 2 runs with bases loaded and two outs and mary is up to bat. i watch her take the first pitch with no movement on her part. i call a time-out and go see her at the plate. i ask her to "at least try to hit the ball" to which she replies "no, i don't want to" to which i reply "well then, why are you here?" i tell her that her lack of effort or willingness to try has an impact on the 11 other players on the team and that's not fair.
fast forward to this morning and i receive an email from mary's parents who think i'm the asshole for calling a time-out to speak with their daughter in front of everyone and i embarrassed her. saying i wasn't considering her feelings and that not everyone is cut out to be a star.
i simply countered with "i just asked her to try" aita? should i have been more considerate of her feelings?
| 1,883
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https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/ok62rp/aita_for_asking_a_girl_i_coach_to_just_try_and/
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2021-07-14 14:59:04
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nah
but something more is definitely going on with mary. do you think her parents are forcing her to play? if she wanted to be there, i am certain she'd be trying. i'm sure some outside force is compelling her to your team and you might want to look into why. i realize it's really not your job per se, but the health and well being of a minor could be at stake there.
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nta but the parents might be. i'm not sure what is going on with the girl but you may want to talk to her without the team there or email her or something. i use to be the kid that desperately wanted to be part of a team but really sucked at sports and had no self confidence. my lack of confidence would make me just sit there and put no effort in because i was terrified my team or coach would laugh if i failed. it could also be a situation where her parents are making her be there and she hopes she is so bad that her parents will pull her out. either way i'm not sure she is doing this fully because she doesn't care.
on the other hand, maybe she doesn't care, but i wanted to give you the perspective of a girl who sucked at sports because i was to anxious to try. in my mind it was better to not try than be made fun of for trying and failing.
i'd try and talk to her alone where she doesn't feel called out. i know that this is the nature of sports but some kids just need a little adjustment. at least ask her what's going on and maybe offer to help her a bit one on one if possible.
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info have you asked mary if she even wants to be there?
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info: have you ever spoken to mary one-on-one about this? i'm also a coach and i don't speaking about this in front of everyone was a helpful approach.
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nah?
well, i’m a teacher and i try not to assume people aren’t trying because it is usually deeper than that—she could be anxious, depressed, or her parents could be making her play, or any number of things could be going on. so i don’t think it was a great way to frame the issue.
that said, i don’t think that it was wrong to talk to her about it, but if this has been a problem in the past, you probably should have talked to her before the game. if this behavior is due to mental illness or trauma, calling a time out to talk to her in front of everyone probably made things worse. but i don’t think you’re an asshole, i think that you just need to be more sensitive to the potential cause of the problem.
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nta. she doesn’t want to play. so drop her from the team. you are her coach, not her therapist. she doesn’t want to be there, and you can bet that her teammates don’t want her to be there is she’s losing them games because she can’t be bothered to play. 16 is old enough for her to decide if she wants to play or not.
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nta...you are a coach and you job is to motivate the team and offer guidance. nothing you said crossed the line into abuse. if someone says "no, i don't want to...." you truly have to wonder why they're there. you're talking bare minimum here. i'm surprised her parents didn't address that. even the worst athlete knows you have to swing at the ball and not stand there.
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nta but there may be a better way of handling this.
i advise you to speak to mary one-on-one. i could imagine any of a number of possibilities here.
1. she's depressed out of her mind to the point where she starts dissociating on the field.
2. she's being bullied at school by someone on the team.
3. she's being abused by her dad.
4. she needs glasses and just can't see the ball and for some reason is embarrassed to admit it.
5. she's fighting with her parents over where she wants to go for college (i.e. they want her to try for an athletic scholarship, she wants to go to art school).
on the one hand, i get that all of these possibilities are above your paygrade. but you are the one who is seeing the symptoms. and too often parents try to bury symptoms because they are overburdened or just plain selfish.
my advice would be that you say something along the lines of "mary, i am sorry that i put you on the spot the other day. but i've noticed that you're not engaged at all in the game. is there something going on in your life that you need to talk to someone about?" the key thing you want to convey is that you want softball to be a positive experience for everybody involved- if coming to practice to get away from whatever is bothering her and riding the bench is all she wants to do, that could be okay.
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i was a young girl athlete, now an middle aged woman athlete. i've also coached teen sports.
nta. you were right to ask her. i mean you called the time out and went to talk to her, how different would the scenario have ended up if you asked her why she isn't swinging, and she said she was hurt?
her lack of effort isn't just impacting her and this is a big deal for young persons and learning teamwork, which of course translates to interpersonal, school, and career success.
you likely have more experience than me, but reflecting upon my own youth, and my coaching experience, i wonder if she's afraid to try / suffers lack of confidence? it's it possible to offer more individual practice?
i've also coached kids that are only there because their parents make them, and you and i both know that there's not much you can do with that!
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nah. i kind of get the kid though. when i was younger, i was so afraid of making a fool of myself that i just froze up. i was afraid to throw balls because what if i missed or couldn't throw hard enough, or what if i sent it to the wrong person? what if i hurt someone? just anxiety making things hard, no matter if i promised myself i would try.
i probably had similar reactions when people talked to me, but it was because i was already berating myself in my head. i didn't need to hear that i was not trying, i knew that and i wanted to please adults but i just could not do anything when the time came. i am sure that i came off as uncaring, but it was like i cared too much to move.
can you keep her out of games for a while? maybe have her participate mock games with her teammates? it might not make things better, but she will see (maybe 20 years down the line) that you cared enough to try.
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NAH
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NTA
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INFO
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INFO
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NAH
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NAH
| 0.047838
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Classify the interpersonal conflict and explain your choice. Your choices are limited to you're the a**hole (yta) when the writer is causing the conflict, not the a**hole (nta) when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict, no a**holes here (nah) when no one is causing the conflict, everyone sucks here (esh) when everyone is causing the conflict, more information needed (info) when a classification cannot be made with the context provided. Conflict context: background, i have coached or been involved in coaching girls softball for about 10 years. long enough that i have seen all 4 of my daughters move through all the age categories. i am now coaching my youngest daughter's (f16) team and we are 4 games deep into the season. things have been going well, everyone gets along and generally tries to do well. we are 2-2 on the season so far. there is one girl, we will call her, mary, who doesn't put in any effort. she won't chase down balls, she won't swing when at bat...just total apathy. i don't need all-stars, i need effort. fast forward to last night, she has had 2 previous plate appearances on the evening without so much as an attempt at hitting the ball. now we are top of the last inning, we are down by 2 runs with bases loaded and two outs and mary is up to bat. i watch her take the first pitch with no movement on her part. i call a time-out and go see her at the plate. i ask her to "at least try to hit the ball" to which she replies "no, i don't want to" to which i reply "well then, why are you here?" i tell her that her lack of effort or willingness to try has an impact on the 11 other players on the team and that's not fair. fast forward to this morning and i receive an email from mary's parents who think i'm the asshole for calling a time-out to speak with their daughter in front of everyone and i embarrassed her. saying i wasn't considering her feelings and that not everyone is cut out to be a star. i simply countered with "i just asked her to try" aita? should i have been more considerate of her feelings?
|
<s>[INST] <<SYS>>
Classify the interpersonal conflict and explain your choice. Your choices are limited to you're the a**hole (yta) when the writer is causing the conflict, not the a**hole (nta) when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict, no a**holes here (nah) when no one is causing the conflict, everyone sucks here (esh) when everyone is causing the conflict, more information needed (info) when a classification cannot be made with the context provided.
<</SYS>>
background, i have coached or been involved in coaching girls softball for about 10 years. long enough that i have seen all 4 of my daughters move through all the age categories. i am now coaching my youngest daughter's (f16) team and we are 4 games deep into the season. things have been going well, everyone gets along and generally tries to do well. we are 2-2 on the season so far. there is one girl, we will call her, mary, who doesn't put in any effort. she won't chase down balls, she won't swing when at bat...just total apathy. i don't need all-stars, i need effort. fast forward to last night, she has had 2 previous plate appearances on the evening without so much as an attempt at hitting the ball. now we are top of the last inning, we are down by 2 runs with bases loaded and two outs and mary is up to bat. i watch her take the first pitch with no movement on her part. i call a time-out and go see her at the plate. i ask her to "at least try to hit the ball" to which she replies "no, i don't want to" to which i reply "well then, why are you here?" i tell her that her lack of effort or willingness to try has an impact on the 11 other players on the team and that's not fair. fast forward to this morning and i receive an email from mary's parents who think i'm the asshole for calling a time-out to speak with their daughter in front of everyone and i embarrassed her. saying i wasn't considering her feelings and that not everyone is cut out to be a star. i simply countered with "i just asked her to try" aita? should i have been more considerate of her feelings? [/INST] nah but something more is definitely going on with mary. do you think her parents are forcing her to play? if she wanted to be there, i am certain she'd be trying. i'm sure some outside force is compelling her to your team and you might want to look into why. i realize it's really not your job per se, but the health and well being of a minor could be at stake there. </s>
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AITA for telling my daughter that she needs to stop letting Supernatural control her life?
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my (32m) daughter (16f) has been obsessed with the tv show supernatural since she was about eleven (note, i do not recommend letting your child watch the show that young. i didn't know how bad it was at the time) and as the show has since ended, she's been really upset about it.
she hated the finale, which i think most of the watchers did. before now i've really indulged her interest, took her to a couple conventions, but she's seriously becoming too much now. i can't have a single conversation with her without it somehow ending up with her talking about how much she hated and how badly the characters were treated.
i understand she's upset, but this is like month five of it now. i tried suggesting she just ignore the ending, rewrite her own, which she did, but it didn't seem to help. i watched the entirety of season fifteen (bar the finale) with her to try and make her feel better, but it still isn't working.
recently i've reached my boiling point and told her to stop letting it control her every conversation, because no one will want to talk to her. she confessed that she's been talking to me so much because her friends don't want to talk about the show anymore.
i instantly regretted my words and apologized, but they had already stuck. i know i was wrong for saying what i did without talking to her about it first.
she has started taking to her cousin about it instead, who naturally asked why she wasn't talking to me. my daughter explained what i had said and my niece told her mom, my sister, who then called me to let me know i had upset her. i explained that i had apologized, but she continued on, saying that i should be grateful for my daughter wanting to talk to me so much.
i am grateful for that, but i can only listen to the same conversation so many times.
my daughter is still being a little closed off, and even though i have offered to listen again, she doesn't want to talk.
am i the asshole? i know what i said wasn't right, but i didn't mean it like that. i'm genuinely lost.
| 1,831
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https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/m7xm35/aita_for_telling_my_daughter_that_she_needs_to/
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2021-03-18 18:37:45
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nah - tbh i'm still salty about how veronica mars ended, so i can see her frustration.
maybe find a new show you can watch together and talk about that? it may not change her thoughts on supernatural, but give her something else to think about and a topic you'd both share?
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nah. your daughter is super into something, an interest which no one else she knows shares. you tried your best to accommodate her, but eventually it got to be too much.
we had to tell my son to stop only talking about video games at the dinner table. we love him, and we love hearing about it sometimes, but he does other stuff, and we'd like to talk about something else during dinner. not every time. you just gotta do it sometimes.
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nah. i’m not going to call her an ah for wanting to talk about her favorite thing with her parent. but i don’t think you have the right to be upset that she isn’t talking to you about it anymore when that’s literally what you wanted.
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nta for the most part. you have indulged her up through now. looks like when you said no one would want to talk to her anymore, that struck a chord because it’s literally what happened.
this isn’t a 5 year old who won’t shut up about dinosaurs, this is 16 year old, so i don’t see anything wrong with laying down reality.
that said, it’s pretty clear she has obsessive tendencies and you’ve tried to help her channel her obsession in a healthy way but it’s not working.
there could be a lot of reasons why she can’t move on. maybe she just doesn’t know how to operate outside supernatural.
if you want advice, i think she needs to work through why supernatural is so important to her and why it seems to consume her every waking thought. if she can work through the why’s then she can learn to move forward and have a healthy relationship with you/her friends/tv.
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nah. i (15m who likes one direction) get it, she’s the only one in her friend group with a certain interest, although you just told her the truth. however, you could have phrased it better. you probably should have said “i’m not interested in supernatural, is there something else we could talk about?”. part of the reason why she was so hurt is because her friends had stopped talking to her over her obsession with supernatural, which you obviously couldn’t’ve known about. in the end, you’d be ta had you known about the situation with her friends, but you didn’t, so that’s why i put nah.
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info: is she autistic or otherwise neurodivergent? that explains the hyperfixation aspect of it. if you’re not sure, it might be worth getting her evaluated.
i’m not into spn but the fans were done dirty, so i don’t blame her - losing a show to such a terrible finale is really hard, especially in the middle of everything else going on.
i’m 28 and i’m salty about the ducktales 2017 finale. it’s only been 3 days but i’m gonna be upset for a while because it was a hyperfixation and it deserved better than what it got.
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nah.
she's 16, her favorite show ended like garbage and she has to talk about it someone. i get it. she will get over it, but it likely is annoying as all hell to constantly hear the same conversation. but again, she's talking to you because she can't talk to anyone else about it.
i suggest you indulge her as it is a bonding moment. all you have to do is complain about the show to her when she's not talking to you about it, or ask questions about the show to her. but, act like you are genuinely interested. that should hopefully get her back into talking about supernatural with you.
in time, her feelings will pass and she'll move on to something else.
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amateurs.
i’m still bitter about the st. elsewhere finale from 1988. 33 years ago.
fucking snow globe.
oh and nah.
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nah, do not get me started on firefly. it can be devastating to "lose" something that you are a huge fan of, even as an adult it can be hard to deal with the aftermath. apologize to her again, very sincerely, and maybe make a code word or phrase when you've had your fill of supernatural talk for the day. and let her know how honored you feel that she chose you to share her frustrations and hurt with, that is definitely precious to a teen girl. and therapy is always a good idea, i think. i wish everyone could get therapy. it might help her gain some perspective.
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nta-it’s reasonable that you would be annoyed by her non stop talking about a tv show and it’s a bit odd that it’s been 5 months and she won’t stop talking about it in every conversation
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NAH
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NAH
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NAH
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NTA
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NAH
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INFO
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NAH
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NAH
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NAH
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NTA
| 0.054525
|
Classify the interpersonal conflict and explain your choice. Your choices are limited to you're the a**hole (yta) when the writer is causing the conflict, not the a**hole (nta) when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict, no a**holes here (nah) when no one is causing the conflict, everyone sucks here (esh) when everyone is causing the conflict, more information needed (info) when a classification cannot be made with the context provided. Conflict context: my (32m) daughter (16f) has been obsessed with the tv show supernatural since she was about eleven (note, i do not recommend letting your child watch the show that young. i didn't know how bad it was at the time) and as the show has since ended, she's been really upset about it. she hated the finale, which i think most of the watchers did. before now i've really indulged her interest, took her to a couple conventions, but she's seriously becoming too much now. i can't have a single conversation with her without it somehow ending up with her talking about how much she hated and how badly the characters were treated. i understand she's upset, but this is like month five of it now. i tried suggesting she just ignore the ending, rewrite her own, which she did, but it didn't seem to help. i watched the entirety of season fifteen (bar the finale) with her to try and make her feel better, but it still isn't working. recently i've reached my boiling point and told her to stop letting it control her every conversation, because no one will want to talk to her. she confessed that she's been talking to me so much because her friends don't want to talk about the show anymore. i instantly regretted my words and apologized, but they had already stuck. i know i was wrong for saying what i did without talking to her about it first. she has started taking to her cousin about it instead, who naturally asked why she wasn't talking to me. my daughter explained what i had said and my niece told her mom, my sister, who then called me to let me know i had upset her. i explained that i had apologized, but she continued on, saying that i should be grateful for my daughter wanting to talk to me so much. i am grateful for that, but i can only listen to the same conversation so many times. my daughter is still being a little closed off, and even though i have offered to listen again, she doesn't want to talk. am i the asshole? i know what i said wasn't right, but i didn't mean it like that. i'm genuinely lost.
|
<s>[INST] <<SYS>>
Classify the interpersonal conflict and explain your choice. Your choices are limited to you're the a**hole (yta) when the writer is causing the conflict, not the a**hole (nta) when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict, no a**holes here (nah) when no one is causing the conflict, everyone sucks here (esh) when everyone is causing the conflict, more information needed (info) when a classification cannot be made with the context provided.
<</SYS>>
my (32m) daughter (16f) has been obsessed with the tv show supernatural since she was about eleven (note, i do not recommend letting your child watch the show that young. i didn't know how bad it was at the time) and as the show has since ended, she's been really upset about it. she hated the finale, which i think most of the watchers did. before now i've really indulged her interest, took her to a couple conventions, but she's seriously becoming too much now. i can't have a single conversation with her without it somehow ending up with her talking about how much she hated and how badly the characters were treated. i understand she's upset, but this is like month five of it now. i tried suggesting she just ignore the ending, rewrite her own, which she did, but it didn't seem to help. i watched the entirety of season fifteen (bar the finale) with her to try and make her feel better, but it still isn't working. recently i've reached my boiling point and told her to stop letting it control her every conversation, because no one will want to talk to her. she confessed that she's been talking to me so much because her friends don't want to talk about the show anymore. i instantly regretted my words and apologized, but they had already stuck. i know i was wrong for saying what i did without talking to her about it first. she has started taking to her cousin about it instead, who naturally asked why she wasn't talking to me. my daughter explained what i had said and my niece told her mom, my sister, who then called me to let me know i had upset her. i explained that i had apologized, but she continued on, saying that i should be grateful for my daughter wanting to talk to me so much. i am grateful for that, but i can only listen to the same conversation so many times. my daughter is still being a little closed off, and even though i have offered to listen again, she doesn't want to talk. am i the asshole? i know what i said wasn't right, but i didn't mean it like that. i'm genuinely lost. [/INST] nah - tbh i'm still salty about how veronica mars ended, so i can see her frustration. maybe find a new show you can watch together and talk about that? it may not change her thoughts on supernatural, but give her something else to think about and a topic you'd both share? </s>
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AITA for being mad that my wife refuses to have kids but wants to be a surrogate?
|
we dated for 4 years and have been married for 2, i loved kids and have always wanted at least 2 or 3 and i have been very open about this with my wife. she's never been a fan of kids but she always painted it as her not being ready to have children and not wanting to go through pregnancy. every discussion about kids we've had has been met with her always saying "i'm just not ready yet" and even suggestions about adopting have been met with the same reply. she's made it clear to me that whilst she wouldn't mind being a mother she's just not ready yet.
i recently had my 30th and i raised the discussion with her again, i don't want to leave it too late as ideally i'd like to still be somewhat young whilst my kids grow up as my own father was 55 was i when born. this led to a massive argument where she finally told me she doesn't want to be a mother, she doesn't want to ever have kids whether they are hers or adopted.
i was hurt but pulled back a bit and decided to give her some time to think about it. she then surprised me with news that some of our friends apparently having trouble getting pregnant and they approached her with the idea of her being a surrogate. she didn't discuss it with me or even tell me but just said she was going to go ahead with it and had the appointment booked to see if she's suitable.
i feel like this is a slap in the face to me, she explained that she just doesn't want to be a mother and has no issue with being pregnant or giving birth she just doesn't want to have to raise a child. she's adamant about going through with this and even used the "my body my rules" argument to shut me out of the decision completely.
| 2,076
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https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/exlx8g/aita_for_being_mad_that_my_wife_refuses_to_have/
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2020-02-02 09:14:41
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esh. she should've been more clear about her position on kids, you shouldn't have married her until you were certain on her position about kids.
additionally, she can't legally become a surrogate because she hasn't had a birth of her own yet to do so, so all she's doing is wasting her time, and her friend's time.
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huh? i always thought you had to give birth at least once before you can apply to be a surrogate?
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damn. well no judgements here. i think you two need counseling. actually i would say i know you need counseling. this is waaaaaaay out of random internet stranger territory.
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nta - she lied and married to you under false pretenses. you have to consider if you want to remain married to someone
1) who lied to and deceived you
2) won't ever give you the children you want
3) is so uncaring for your thoughts/feelings she would say yes to being a surrogate after stringing you along.
ball is pretty much in your court, either stay and eat crow or leave.
|
nta, there are a lot of risks with surrogacy, more so than a natural pregnancy.
https://nordicmodelnow.org/2020/01/29/i-was-an-altruistic-surrogate-and-am-now-against-all-surrogacy/
my neighbor was a surrogate for her cousin and deep regretted it.
during the pregnancy she developed thyroid disease, wich fucks with every part of your body. she had to force herself to put on weight, wich she never lost.
her waters broke early and she didn't go into labour. numerous problems in hospital. she nearly died. she has three children.
i was at her house when the cousin came over with the baby. they were letting their toddler carry around the newborn, totally careless. left the baby sleeping in a drafty walk way.
your wife needs to look into this more thoroughly.
if you want children, you need to find a wife that wants children.
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nta. her saying she's just not ready was basically lying. if she knew she doesn't want kids she should have made that clear from the beginning. especially, considering that you do want kids.
also, i totally get how her going through pregnancy in front of you but not for your kid and with implication that she will never want to be pregnant with your kids is a slap in the face.
i'd say the divorce is in your future. having kids is really not something that easy to compromise on.
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nta
if i were you, i would seriously reconsider this marriage.
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nta
not because she won't have kids, but because she wasn't upfront about that before marriage, and of course because she decided to become a surrogate without consideration for you. while it is indeed her body her choice, the fact of the matter is that whipping that out as if her choice is made in a vacuum is ultimately foolish.
suffice to say she sounds like an utterly selfish individual if she's just doing this shit without including you, like you're just window dressing to her life.
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nta. she lied. she lied your whole relationship. blah, blah, blah, reasons. i don’t usually suggest this, but divorce sounds like your best option to find someone who wants what you want.
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knowing how much you want kids, and forcing you to care for a pregnant wife bearing a baby which, after nine months of love and support, will not be yours, is *cruel* beyond belief.
nta.
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ESH
| null | null |
NTA
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NTA
|
NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
| 0.01744
|
Classify the interpersonal conflict and explain your choice. Your choices are limited to you're the a**hole (yta) when the writer is causing the conflict, not the a**hole (nta) when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict, no a**holes here (nah) when no one is causing the conflict, everyone sucks here (esh) when everyone is causing the conflict, more information needed (info) when a classification cannot be made with the context provided. Conflict context: we dated for 4 years and have been married for 2, i loved kids and have always wanted at least 2 or 3 and i have been very open about this with my wife. she's never been a fan of kids but she always painted it as her not being ready to have children and not wanting to go through pregnancy. every discussion about kids we've had has been met with her always saying "i'm just not ready yet" and even suggestions about adopting have been met with the same reply. she's made it clear to me that whilst she wouldn't mind being a mother she's just not ready yet. i recently had my 30th and i raised the discussion with her again, i don't want to leave it too late as ideally i'd like to still be somewhat young whilst my kids grow up as my own father was 55 was i when born. this led to a massive argument where she finally told me she doesn't want to be a mother, she doesn't want to ever have kids whether they are hers or adopted. i was hurt but pulled back a bit and decided to give her some time to think about it. she then surprised me with news that some of our friends apparently having trouble getting pregnant and they approached her with the idea of her being a surrogate. she didn't discuss it with me or even tell me but just said she was going to go ahead with it and had the appointment booked to see if she's suitable. i feel like this is a slap in the face to me, she explained that she just doesn't want to be a mother and has no issue with being pregnant or giving birth she just doesn't want to have to raise a child. she's adamant about going through with this and even used the "my body my rules" argument to shut me out of the decision completely.
|
<s>[INST] <<SYS>>
Classify the interpersonal conflict and explain your choice. Your choices are limited to you're the a**hole (yta) when the writer is causing the conflict, not the a**hole (nta) when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict, no a**holes here (nah) when no one is causing the conflict, everyone sucks here (esh) when everyone is causing the conflict, more information needed (info) when a classification cannot be made with the context provided.
<</SYS>>
we dated for 4 years and have been married for 2, i loved kids and have always wanted at least 2 or 3 and i have been very open about this with my wife. she's never been a fan of kids but she always painted it as her not being ready to have children and not wanting to go through pregnancy. every discussion about kids we've had has been met with her always saying "i'm just not ready yet" and even suggestions about adopting have been met with the same reply. she's made it clear to me that whilst she wouldn't mind being a mother she's just not ready yet. i recently had my 30th and i raised the discussion with her again, i don't want to leave it too late as ideally i'd like to still be somewhat young whilst my kids grow up as my own father was 55 was i when born. this led to a massive argument where she finally told me she doesn't want to be a mother, she doesn't want to ever have kids whether they are hers or adopted. i was hurt but pulled back a bit and decided to give her some time to think about it. she then surprised me with news that some of our friends apparently having trouble getting pregnant and they approached her with the idea of her being a surrogate. she didn't discuss it with me or even tell me but just said she was going to go ahead with it and had the appointment booked to see if she's suitable. i feel like this is a slap in the face to me, she explained that she just doesn't want to be a mother and has no issue with being pregnant or giving birth she just doesn't want to have to raise a child. she's adamant about going through with this and even used the "my body my rules" argument to shut me out of the decision completely. [/INST] esh. she should've been more clear about her position on kids, you shouldn't have married her until you were certain on her position about kids. additionally, she can't legally become a surrogate because she hasn't had a birth of her own yet to do so, so all she's doing is wasting her time, and her friend's time. </s>
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AITA for embarrassing my husband and MIL when she tried to meddle in my marriage?
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we had to temporarily move in with mil and it sucks because she thinks she gets a vote on everything. she critiques my parenting, my marriage, how i dress. she doesn't even like the food i cook for my husband. it's really hard on our marriage and makes me want to get the fuck out of here.
recently my husband and i had a pretty big fight. i'm aware it is immature that we fought loud enough mil could hear, but i was just heated because he played a "prank" and squirted me with the hose through a window while i was using the toilet, and i felt so degraded and disrespected.
mil decided to butt in and tell us how much our marriage sucks. she said i'm so miserable and uptight that if she was married to me she would cheat, and she feels bad for her son for having to be with someone so miserable. she said i should work on myself because no man is going to put up with that.
i asked if she would like to be married to her son and she just rolled her eyes. now i might be the asshole here, but i said i actually don't think she would. if they were two random people who met on the street, she would 100% say he isn't good enough for her. i've seen the men she is with. her standards are sky high, so she should shut the fuck up. i could see my husband was mortified. i know he already has some insecurities.
i then said i didn't even want her advice because she cheated on her first husband. mil told me to fuck off and said i have no idea what happened in her first marriage. i might also be the asshole because mil's stepkids heard this and now they have more shit to talk about her. after they left mil called me a misogynist and asked if i seriously thought her first husband never cheated on her, and said i need to mind my own business. her husband also yelled at me about how i shouldn't be saying anything when i live in their house.
| 2,830
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https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/wqs9if/aita_for_embarrassing_my_husband_and_mil_when_she/
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2022-08-17 15:44:01
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esh, literally each and every one of you.
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esh. this situation is disfunctional all the way around. when are you and your husband getting out of your mil’s house?
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i need to show my wife this. my mom looks like a saint in comparison.
nta
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nta
mil dug herself a hole for throwing rocks at you knowing that she lives in a glass mansion. your husband is ta too for comporting like a child. you’re right! they deserve each other. you should try to leave and never look back.
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nta. your husband sounds like a childish loser and your mil like one of those weirdo women who believe their sons are god’s gift to the earth and deserve better than any woman ever (i think of them as pick-mes but maternal lmao).
your mil started giving unsolicited advice on your marriage first so you were within your rights to give your opinion on her love life right back, imo. play stupid games, win stupid prizes.
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nta and lol!
she really told you to mind your own business? that was the moment! you should have looked her dead in the eyes and said:
"lady, if you practiced what you preached, we wouldn't be having this discussion right now."
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esh. this would make for a great reality tv show episode, "getting hosed."
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i don't see how anyone could judge anything except esh
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nta.
while you automatically sign up for swallowing bullshit from il's when you move in with them, she clearly goes way too far. no one should accept anyone saying such things regardless where they live.
*she* opened fire so then she also need to put on her big girl panties and deal with it when you fire back. she asked for it. it's not like she's going to treat you better if you shut up, she'd gladly treat you as a free target practice. so i say give as good as you get:)
also, your husband shouldn't allow his mom to treat you this way... you shouldn't have to go against her. she's not your mom, she's his responsibility and *he* should rein her in when she crosses big boundaries.
i don't know why you live there but i hope it isn't for long. it's not good for anyone's right mind to live around people treating you this way, not to mention while your partner stands by and let them as if nothing is wrong.
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info: why are you still in this relationship? do you even like your partner? because he sounds like an immature child enabled by his awful mother
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ESH
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ESH
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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ESH
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ESH
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NTA
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INFO
| 0.34993
|
Classify the interpersonal conflict and explain your choice. Your choices are limited to you're the a**hole (yta) when the writer is causing the conflict, not the a**hole (nta) when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict, no a**holes here (nah) when no one is causing the conflict, everyone sucks here (esh) when everyone is causing the conflict, more information needed (info) when a classification cannot be made with the context provided. Conflict context: we had to temporarily move in with mil and it sucks because she thinks she gets a vote on everything. she critiques my parenting, my marriage, how i dress. she doesn't even like the food i cook for my husband. it's really hard on our marriage and makes me want to get the fuck out of here. recently my husband and i had a pretty big fight. i'm aware it is immature that we fought loud enough mil could hear, but i was just heated because he played a "prank" and squirted me with the hose through a window while i was using the toilet, and i felt so degraded and disrespected. mil decided to butt in and tell us how much our marriage sucks. she said i'm so miserable and uptight that if she was married to me she would cheat, and she feels bad for her son for having to be with someone so miserable. she said i should work on myself because no man is going to put up with that. i asked if she would like to be married to her son and she just rolled her eyes. now i might be the asshole here, but i said i actually don't think she would. if they were two random people who met on the street, she would 100% say he isn't good enough for her. i've seen the men she is with. her standards are sky high, so she should shut the fuck up. i could see my husband was mortified. i know he already has some insecurities. i then said i didn't even want her advice because she cheated on her first husband. mil told me to fuck off and said i have no idea what happened in her first marriage. i might also be the asshole because mil's stepkids heard this and now they have more shit to talk about her. after they left mil called me a misogynist and asked if i seriously thought her first husband never cheated on her, and said i need to mind my own business. her husband also yelled at me about how i shouldn't be saying anything when i live in their house.
|
<s>[INST] <<SYS>>
Classify the interpersonal conflict and explain your choice. Your choices are limited to you're the a**hole (yta) when the writer is causing the conflict, not the a**hole (nta) when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict, no a**holes here (nah) when no one is causing the conflict, everyone sucks here (esh) when everyone is causing the conflict, more information needed (info) when a classification cannot be made with the context provided.
<</SYS>>
we had to temporarily move in with mil and it sucks because she thinks she gets a vote on everything. she critiques my parenting, my marriage, how i dress. she doesn't even like the food i cook for my husband. it's really hard on our marriage and makes me want to get the fuck out of here. recently my husband and i had a pretty big fight. i'm aware it is immature that we fought loud enough mil could hear, but i was just heated because he played a "prank" and squirted me with the hose through a window while i was using the toilet, and i felt so degraded and disrespected. mil decided to butt in and tell us how much our marriage sucks. she said i'm so miserable and uptight that if she was married to me she would cheat, and she feels bad for her son for having to be with someone so miserable. she said i should work on myself because no man is going to put up with that. i asked if she would like to be married to her son and she just rolled her eyes. now i might be the asshole here, but i said i actually don't think she would. if they were two random people who met on the street, she would 100% say he isn't good enough for her. i've seen the men she is with. her standards are sky high, so she should shut the fuck up. i could see my husband was mortified. i know he already has some insecurities. i then said i didn't even want her advice because she cheated on her first husband. mil told me to fuck off and said i have no idea what happened in her first marriage. i might also be the asshole because mil's stepkids heard this and now they have more shit to talk about her. after they left mil called me a misogynist and asked if i seriously thought her first husband never cheated on her, and said i need to mind my own business. her husband also yelled at me about how i shouldn't be saying anything when i live in their house. [/INST] esh, literally each and every one of you. </s>
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AITA for saying I don't have any siblings when one passed away?
|
when talking with people i don't know every time without fail they ask if i have any siblings and typically i always say that i used to.
this obviously makes the conversation turn very somber and the person seems to feel like they misstepped in asking this simple question. either that or they keep pressing on to what happened and i get tired of having to explain it over and over.
so instead i've been just don't that i don't have any siblings. my mom thinks that on effectively erasing his existence completely, but i don't feel like i owe it to strangers to tell them the whole truth. i don't think i'm lying because i actually don't have any at the moment
aita for doing this for my own sake or should i tell the full story and some how reassure people that they don't have to feel guilty for asking
| 2,127
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https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/c6z62z/aita_for_saying_i_dont_have_any_siblings_when_one/
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2019-06-29 13:50:04
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nah, in the course of small talk. your mom’s not wrong either.
another way to approach it with strangers would be to say just “none living, unfortunately,” let the other person say “gosh, i’m sorry to hear that,” and then you can continue with the conversation. if you want to. but either way you’re fine.
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nah. it's a difficult situation to deal with, and it's nice of you to be considerate of others' feelings in the conversation. you're not obligated to explain your family's backstory to random people because your mom said so, but i also understand her feelings - it's *such* a hard thing to go through. if she pressed the issue on how you choose to talk to people she could be ta, but that's a *very* light ta.
&#x200b;
i'm sorry for your loss.
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nta. my little brother passed away a few years ago, so i know how it feels answering that question. when talking to new people and that topic comes up, i usually answer it depending on how much of a connection i actually intend on having with that person.
if it’s just somebody i met and i’m not sure how good friends we’d be or somebody i know i’ll never see again, then i’ll just say “no i don’t have any siblings”. i feel like its a better answer than saying “i’m an only child”
eventually if it came up in discussion with said person and it felt like they should know then they’ll realize it in another conversation. not the intital “do you have any siblings” question.
that’s how i handle it, and i wouldn’t let anybody tell me different, neither should you
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nta
my sister was killed last year. people don't need to know your business, i get that from a personal level. they'll always be with you.
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nta, i had a sibling pass away a few years ago and i've done the same thing. people get weird when you talk about that kinda thing. if you're just meeting someone that's a conversation you don't really want to have. usually the only people i ever tell are close friends.
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nah - when people ask about my parents i just go along with it to avoid having the conversation go south. unless i trust someone and we’re close friends, then i’ll tell them that they are no longer with us.
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nah. i'm very sorry for your loss. i know what you mean. i like it quite a lot when people share stuff like this casually, but don't like doing it myself. the things i ask myself are:
is the value of precise disclosure greater than the value of having a normal fun bantery conversation? *not usually*
would it make me uncomfortable to disclose, thereby making the other party awkward? *probably*
**does it do harm to the other party in omitting it?** *nah, how could it?*
if they find out later, will there be social consequences? *no, they'll just think you didn't wanna talk it, probably.*
----------------------------------
you mom's gotta let you grieve in your own way, and maybe your form of grief is concentrating his memory in your own mind rather than diluting it by talking about it with randos.
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nah. sorry for your loss.
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nta. you cope in the best way possible for you.
|
nta
my sister was killed years ago, and i've come to do the exact same thing. i used to be asked if i had siblings as part of small talk and i'd first say a brother and a sister, and another who passed. but that was awkward. then id say a brother and two sisters, but the next question is inevitably what do they do, or do i see them often, or w/e and it's right back to it. i used to think like your mom, that saying i only had one sister was erasing her from existence. it's not though. i love my sister, no one can tell me otherwise, i'm very aware of how i feel about her. it's just a kindness for small talk. they're not meaning anything by it, and the conversation just gets super awkward. i made this decision after speaking with my friend's father and one of the most awkward exchanges of my life. i'm staying at my friend's house over a break and he's making small talk with me:
friends father: so do you have any siblings?
me: yeah, a brother and two sisters
f: very nice, what do they do?
m: [talk about my brother and sister] and my other sister unfortunately passed
f: [awkwardly not knowing what to say] i'm so sorry... how did she die?
m: [awkwardly] she was murdered
f:..... i'm so sorry, i hope they at least caught whoever did it
m: .... they didn't
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NAH
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NAH
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NAH
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NAH
|
NAH
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NTA
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NTA
| 0.015625
|
Classify the interpersonal conflict and explain your choice. Your choices are limited to you're the a**hole (yta) when the writer is causing the conflict, not the a**hole (nta) when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict, no a**holes here (nah) when no one is causing the conflict, everyone sucks here (esh) when everyone is causing the conflict, more information needed (info) when a classification cannot be made with the context provided. Conflict context: when talking with people i don't know every time without fail they ask if i have any siblings and typically i always say that i used to. this obviously makes the conversation turn very somber and the person seems to feel like they misstepped in asking this simple question. either that or they keep pressing on to what happened and i get tired of having to explain it over and over. so instead i've been just don't that i don't have any siblings. my mom thinks that on effectively erasing his existence completely, but i don't feel like i owe it to strangers to tell them the whole truth. i don't think i'm lying because i actually don't have any at the moment aita for doing this for my own sake or should i tell the full story and some how reassure people that they don't have to feel guilty for asking
|
<s>[INST] <<SYS>>
Classify the interpersonal conflict and explain your choice. Your choices are limited to you're the a**hole (yta) when the writer is causing the conflict, not the a**hole (nta) when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict, no a**holes here (nah) when no one is causing the conflict, everyone sucks here (esh) when everyone is causing the conflict, more information needed (info) when a classification cannot be made with the context provided.
<</SYS>>
when talking with people i don't know every time without fail they ask if i have any siblings and typically i always say that i used to. this obviously makes the conversation turn very somber and the person seems to feel like they misstepped in asking this simple question. either that or they keep pressing on to what happened and i get tired of having to explain it over and over. so instead i've been just don't that i don't have any siblings. my mom thinks that on effectively erasing his existence completely, but i don't feel like i owe it to strangers to tell them the whole truth. i don't think i'm lying because i actually don't have any at the moment aita for doing this for my own sake or should i tell the full story and some how reassure people that they don't have to feel guilty for asking [/INST] nah, in the course of small talk. your mom’s not wrong either. another way to approach it with strangers would be to say just “none living, unfortunately,” let the other person say “gosh, i’m sorry to hear that,” and then you can continue with the conversation. if you want to. but either way you’re fine. </s>
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AITA for making my daughter sleep in a tent
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i (34f) am a single mother to two girls, 'jasmine' (16f) and 'jessica' (14f). their dad died when i was pregnant with jess, and i had to work hard. we hit rock bottom, and i was barely making paycheque to paycheque but i managed to get a degree, become successful and we live well. point is, i know how fucking hard it is to be at the bottom of society, and my daughters know this, which is why i was livid at my daughter's actions.
yesterday, jasmine showed me a video of jessica cussing a homeless man out and telling him, 'stop asking me for money, you'd earn it yourself if you weren't so fucking lazy and spending what you earned on substances.' when the homeless man complained about the cold (we live in ne england), jessica responded 'yeah people camp for fun, even in december, you can't complain, you're living someone's holiday.' fury was an understatement for what i felt, as i thought i had raised an empathetic daughter.
along with finding the homeless man and making her apologise and help pay for a hotel room for a night for him (she paid £20), as well as signing her up to volunteer at a food bank - i decided to take her up on her offer of sleeping outside. i locked her bedroom door so she couldn't go in, put a sign on it saying *closed for the holidays,* pitched a tent in the garden and filled it with blankets and the sleeping bag i used when i was camping in norway on a family holiday as a teen (aka really bloody thermal). i slept in the room closest to the garden for that night so i was nearby if anything was to go wrong. she was reluctant to do it, but chose it over the option of not having access to her phone until the christmas holidays are over.
in the morning, she was crying about how horrible it was to wake up on a cold mat and get disrupted sleep due to birds. after comforting her, i asked her would she like to do that everyday like the homeless man. it struck a cord with her and she was crying over her actions, while even after the £20 she was rolling her eyes and her apology was not sincere. this afternoon, i came home from work to jessica making a big meal to donate to the homeless people who live on the road near our house. i was proud of how she turned over a new leaf, and after taking the food to the people, my sister came over. apparently, my nephew and jessica were talking at school, and he asked her about her plans for the afternoon, and she said that she was going to cook for the homeless. my nephew asked what triggered that, and jess told him everything, which he relayed back to his mum. my sister said that my punishment was too harsh, and just the £20 and the food bank would have done the trick, and i was acting irrationally due to my past. now i'm second guessing myself. aita?
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https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/k9y7o3/aita_for_making_my_daughter_sleep_in_a_tent/
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2020-12-09 19:05:02
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nta. sounds like the apology and £20 wasn’t enough. walking a mile in their shoes taught her empathy.
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nta. you did a good thing here. you weren't being cruel or unusual in any way. you provided her blankets and a warm sleeping bag and you didn't force her to do anything, (you gave her the option to camp or loose her phone). she clearly learned the lesson and feels genuine remorse. you should be proud of how you handled the situation and proud of your daughter for changing her ways.
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this is solid gold, 💯 fantastic parenting. especially because you weren't trying to simply punish her, you were ensuring she experienced what it is she was abusing the man who was homeless for. it's such an important lesson. sometimes even if we think we're raising empathetic children, it's hard to learn without experience. also, you now know it worked out because of your daughter's reaction and thoughtfulness afterwards. good for you, and good for jessica. it's lovely to know there's a bit more empathy in the world now.
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[deleted]
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nta. this is actual parenting. kids don't tend to get empathy until later on in life, it's usually always about them. most people have to experience something to understand it - you've literally taught your kid empathy. my parents would get me and my siblings to volunteer during holidays and after school. my mum would say that the only difference between them and me is that i have a family who can take care of me, so i should take care of others.
due to that, i've grown up to be able to empathise really well. i'm not one to question what a homeless person does with the money i give them, whose to say i'd use it for anything better. i still volunteer. i have a strong interest in politics and societal interests.
you've also supported your daughter that it is okay to say she was wrong. so many people go through life being too proud to admit they were wrong. your daughter when she was wrong, and it dawned on her, she had no problem doing something to fix it.
we don't teach math and english in school by just telling them, we give them problems (experiences) to help them understand on their own.
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omg. your kids are going to turn into the most amazing adults. keep doing what you’re doing. what an amazing mother. nta.
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nta - good on you for teaching your daughter a lesson, i hope the homeless guy is ok, he is the victim in this story. it must have been horrible for him, but a hotel stay may have done him good
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nta you found a way to show your daughter a different way of thinking without vilifying her. and clearly if she's decided she wants to go out of her own way to help the homeless now your lesson worked, which means your parenting works. you aren't forcing her to continue that behavior, the consequence was for one night and you handled it well
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the fact that your daughter had such a change of heart says you're doing a great job as a mom. don't second guess yourself, it was a good call.
nta
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nta and your sister needs to mind her own business. but the older girl should be in the tent too. she filmed it instead of stopping it.
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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Classify the interpersonal conflict and explain your choice. Your choices are limited to you're the a**hole (yta) when the writer is causing the conflict, not the a**hole (nta) when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict, no a**holes here (nah) when no one is causing the conflict, everyone sucks here (esh) when everyone is causing the conflict, more information needed (info) when a classification cannot be made with the context provided. Conflict context: i (34f) am a single mother to two girls, 'jasmine' (16f) and 'jessica' (14f). their dad died when i was pregnant with jess, and i had to work hard. we hit rock bottom, and i was barely making paycheque to paycheque but i managed to get a degree, become successful and we live well. point is, i know how fucking hard it is to be at the bottom of society, and my daughters know this, which is why i was livid at my daughter's actions. yesterday, jasmine showed me a video of jessica cussing a homeless man out and telling him, 'stop asking me for money, you'd earn it yourself if you weren't so fucking lazy and spending what you earned on substances.' when the homeless man complained about the cold (we live in ne england), jessica responded 'yeah people camp for fun, even in december, you can't complain, you're living someone's holiday.' fury was an understatement for what i felt, as i thought i had raised an empathetic daughter. along with finding the homeless man and making her apologise and help pay for a hotel room for a night for him (she paid £20), as well as signing her up to volunteer at a food bank - i decided to take her up on her offer of sleeping outside. i locked her bedroom door so she couldn't go in, put a sign on it saying *closed for the holidays,* pitched a tent in the garden and filled it with blankets and the sleeping bag i used when i was camping in norway on a family holiday as a teen (aka really bloody thermal). i slept in the room closest to the garden for that night so i was nearby if anything was to go wrong. she was reluctant to do it, but chose it over the option of not having access to her phone until the christmas holidays are over. in the morning, she was crying about how horrible it was to wake up on a cold mat and get disrupted sleep due to birds. after comforting her, i asked her would she like to do that everyday like the homeless man. it struck a cord with her and she was crying over her actions, while even after the £20 she was rolling her eyes and her apology was not sincere. this afternoon, i came home from work to jessica making a big meal to donate to the homeless people who live on the road near our house. i was proud of how she turned over a new leaf, and after taking the food to the people, my sister came over. apparently, my nephew and jessica were talking at school, and he asked her about her plans for the afternoon, and she said that she was going to cook for the homeless. my nephew asked what triggered that, and jess told him everything, which he relayed back to his mum. my sister said that my punishment was too harsh, and just the £20 and the food bank would have done the trick, and i was acting irrationally due to my past. now i'm second guessing myself. aita?
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<s>[INST] <<SYS>>
Classify the interpersonal conflict and explain your choice. Your choices are limited to you're the a**hole (yta) when the writer is causing the conflict, not the a**hole (nta) when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict, no a**holes here (nah) when no one is causing the conflict, everyone sucks here (esh) when everyone is causing the conflict, more information needed (info) when a classification cannot be made with the context provided.
<</SYS>>
i (34f) am a single mother to two girls, 'jasmine' (16f) and 'jessica' (14f). their dad died when i was pregnant with jess, and i had to work hard. we hit rock bottom, and i was barely making paycheque to paycheque but i managed to get a degree, become successful and we live well. point is, i know how fucking hard it is to be at the bottom of society, and my daughters know this, which is why i was livid at my daughter's actions. yesterday, jasmine showed me a video of jessica cussing a homeless man out and telling him, 'stop asking me for money, you'd earn it yourself if you weren't so fucking lazy and spending what you earned on substances.' when the homeless man complained about the cold (we live in ne england), jessica responded 'yeah people camp for fun, even in december, you can't complain, you're living someone's holiday.' fury was an understatement for what i felt, as i thought i had raised an empathetic daughter. along with finding the homeless man and making her apologise and help pay for a hotel room for a night for him (she paid £20), as well as signing her up to volunteer at a food bank - i decided to take her up on her offer of sleeping outside. i locked her bedroom door so she couldn't go in, put a sign on it saying *closed for the holidays,* pitched a tent in the garden and filled it with blankets and the sleeping bag i used when i was camping in norway on a family holiday as a teen (aka really bloody thermal). i slept in the room closest to the garden for that night so i was nearby if anything was to go wrong. she was reluctant to do it, but chose it over the option of not having access to her phone until the christmas holidays are over. in the morning, she was crying about how horrible it was to wake up on a cold mat and get disrupted sleep due to birds. after comforting her, i asked her would she like to do that everyday like the homeless man. it struck a cord with her and she was crying over her actions, while even after the £20 she was rolling her eyes and her apology was not sincere. this afternoon, i came home from work to jessica making a big meal to donate to the homeless people who live on the road near our house. i was proud of how she turned over a new leaf, and after taking the food to the people, my sister came over. apparently, my nephew and jessica were talking at school, and he asked her about her plans for the afternoon, and she said that she was going to cook for the homeless. my nephew asked what triggered that, and jess told him everything, which he relayed back to his mum. my sister said that my punishment was too harsh, and just the £20 and the food bank would have done the trick, and i was acting irrationally due to my past. now i'm second guessing myself. aita? [/INST] nta. sounds like the apology and £20 wasn’t enough. walking a mile in their shoes taught her empathy. </s>
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AITA for refusing to visit my dad after my room was converted to an office/bedroom?
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i used to visit my dad most weekends and all of summer.
he recently got remarried to someone i actually have a decent relationship with. i also have two stepbrothers who are younger and who i don't really interact with.
my dad has a four bedroom house. so all the kids have a bedroom.
when i went to visit last month, i was "surprised" with a renovated room. and by renovated i mean it was converted to an office with a couch that pulls out to a bed. it did look nice i suppose.
apparently my stepmother works from home and needed an office.
i didn't cry or throw a tantrum. i slept in the room that weekend and have refused to stay the night since.
i was really hurt and felt like i didn't matter. my mom tried to convince me to go back but gave up after i told her i was old enough to decide.
my dad is stressing out and has apologized and said he'll change the room back but honestly, i'm done. this was the final thing that sealed the deal for me. i told him that as well. i told him i'll come for day visits and we can have dinners but i won't be staying overnight anymore.
was i the asshole? he did cry and i feel really shitty about it.
| 30,265
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https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/e52dls/aita_for_refusing_to_visit_my_dad_after_my_room/
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2019-12-02 17:34:45
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nta. this is why one has to be so careful when blending families. to go from having a room to being made to feel like a guest hurts. there should have been some conversation before any renovations happened. give your dad a chance though. he knows he messed up and does want to fix it
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nta i don’t understand how at 15 years old you’re expected to be okay with a pullout couch when you stay with your dad 3/4 weekends a month and all summer.... like damn.
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nta
i can’t believe they tried to sell taking away your bed and giving you a pull out couch as a positive “surprise.” if there is anything your dad can do that would make you feel welcome and want to stay there again, it would be nice of you to share that with him, but you don’t have to.
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[removed]
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nta this is classic 'let me make a second family because i fucked up my first one and pretend everything is business as usual' bs... also a lot of custody agreements require the child to have their own bedroom and at 15 you're still a child.
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info: how old are you?
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nta, how did stepmom and dad think it was going to work out when you are there half the time. had they talked to you prior and came up with a solution it would be different. they effectively kicked you out, and are treating you like a guest and not part of the family.
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oh hell to the no. nta you deserve your own room just as much as anyone else. even if you arent there all the time. and your stepmom can go shove it. she can have an office in her bedroom or convert some other part of the house.
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nta. you shouldn't be made to feel like a *guest* at your dad's house. that's your house, too, even if you don't live there full time. when it comes to custody agreements, you should have a dedicated bedroom in both homes. it's messed up and your dad should absolutely change it back. your stepmother's need for an office doesn't supercede your need for a private space. what were they going to do when you were living there all summer???
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nta.
you're only fourteen, but you handled this with more tact and patience than most adults have. your father and stepmother didn't deserve that, but i want to personally commend you on your restraint.
your pain is justified. though your father seems to have expressed ~~genuine~~ remorse and has promised to give you a room in his house again, there's no simple way to repair the damage he's done to your relationship. taking away your room ostracized you from a family unit you may already feel it's difficult to fit into, and ultimately conveyed priority for his other family over you. your wording also makes me believe this isn't the first instance in which he's acted without your best interest in mind.
in the meantime, i would express thankfulness to your mother for caring so much about your relationship with your father, but ask that you be given the freedom to decide how, and if, you want him involved in your life. deciding to keep him at arms length and keeping your expectations low is a fair response to his careless and thoughtless actions until he's committed to your relationship with him.
i'm sorry you had to be the adult in that situation.
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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INFO
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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Classify the interpersonal conflict and explain your choice. Your choices are limited to you're the a**hole (yta) when the writer is causing the conflict, not the a**hole (nta) when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict, no a**holes here (nah) when no one is causing the conflict, everyone sucks here (esh) when everyone is causing the conflict, more information needed (info) when a classification cannot be made with the context provided. Conflict context: i used to visit my dad most weekends and all of summer. he recently got remarried to someone i actually have a decent relationship with. i also have two stepbrothers who are younger and who i don't really interact with. my dad has a four bedroom house. so all the kids have a bedroom. when i went to visit last month, i was "surprised" with a renovated room. and by renovated i mean it was converted to an office with a couch that pulls out to a bed. it did look nice i suppose. apparently my stepmother works from home and needed an office. i didn't cry or throw a tantrum. i slept in the room that weekend and have refused to stay the night since. i was really hurt and felt like i didn't matter. my mom tried to convince me to go back but gave up after i told her i was old enough to decide. my dad is stressing out and has apologized and said he'll change the room back but honestly, i'm done. this was the final thing that sealed the deal for me. i told him that as well. i told him i'll come for day visits and we can have dinners but i won't be staying overnight anymore. was i the asshole? he did cry and i feel really shitty about it.
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<s>[INST] <<SYS>>
Classify the interpersonal conflict and explain your choice. Your choices are limited to you're the a**hole (yta) when the writer is causing the conflict, not the a**hole (nta) when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict, no a**holes here (nah) when no one is causing the conflict, everyone sucks here (esh) when everyone is causing the conflict, more information needed (info) when a classification cannot be made with the context provided.
<</SYS>>
i used to visit my dad most weekends and all of summer. he recently got remarried to someone i actually have a decent relationship with. i also have two stepbrothers who are younger and who i don't really interact with. my dad has a four bedroom house. so all the kids have a bedroom. when i went to visit last month, i was "surprised" with a renovated room. and by renovated i mean it was converted to an office with a couch that pulls out to a bed. it did look nice i suppose. apparently my stepmother works from home and needed an office. i didn't cry or throw a tantrum. i slept in the room that weekend and have refused to stay the night since. i was really hurt and felt like i didn't matter. my mom tried to convince me to go back but gave up after i told her i was old enough to decide. my dad is stressing out and has apologized and said he'll change the room back but honestly, i'm done. this was the final thing that sealed the deal for me. i told him that as well. i told him i'll come for day visits and we can have dinners but i won't be staying overnight anymore. was i the asshole? he did cry and i feel really shitty about it. [/INST] nta. this is why one has to be so careful when blending families. to go from having a room to being made to feel like a guest hurts. there should have been some conversation before any renovations happened. give your dad a chance though. he knows he messed up and does want to fix it </s>
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AITA for telling my parents I will never turn against my sister?
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my sister (29f) and i (23f) lost our mom when i was 2 and she was 8. when i was 5 our dad remarried. my stepmom is mom to me too. i have always thought i have two moms. but for my sister it was different. she does not like our stepmom, she does not accept her and there has always been drama there. i know her reaction has been hurtful to our stepmom and i know there has been a lot of drama in the family because of it. our stepmom's family were really great to me but they disliked how my sister treated their daughter/sister/aunt and stuff and the fact she never would drop the step with them.
and now she's a mom of three and the issue has come up because my nephew (the oldest) does not consider our stepmom to be part of the family. he does not know her as grandma and my sister does not really encourage her kids to. it came to public attention because my brother in-law posted a drawing my nephew did of his family on facebook and he included grandpa and grandma. but grandma was the sun looking over them. our stepmom was not in it.
so it brought up more heartache and hurt and i get it. and i have some feelings on it too. but my sister is very important to me. she's someone i love and i don't want to lose her even if i might not agree with her on everything.
but my parents are hurt that this hasn't hurt our relationship. i talked to my mom a few times since the facebook thing and she told me deep down she doesn't want me to lose my sister but part of her also feels like she's always going to be less than, that she's always going to be the other because there is going to come a time where everyone will be together and it's going to be obvious that my sister and her kids don't want to know her. i told her nothing will ever change my love for her or the fact she's my mom too.
my dad told me i need to get my sister to stop acting this way and if i don't then i am choosing her over the woman who has raised me and that by continuing to associate with her i am enabling her shitty behavior.
i made it clear nothing was going to turn me away from my sister. that i have my feelings on how she handles things and treats our stepmom. but part of me understands too. i know our mom's death was hard for her. i know she hates that i don't remember our mom and that i was young enough to consider someone else my mom too. i also know my dad did not handle things the best because he didn't realize the age gap between her and me would make our reactions and feelings different.
aita?
| 3,237
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https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/l2yh75/aita_for_telling_my_parents_i_will_never_turn/
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2021-01-22 22:15:47
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info: what did your father do to make this transition easier on your sister when she was a child?
also, nta - not your place and it's really ridiculous of them to expect you to cut ties with her.
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>but my parents are hurt that this hasn't hurt our relationship.
nta. your parents are hurt that you and your sister have a healthy relationship?! this is the most toxic nonsense i've ever heard.
growing up, my parents would not tolerate fighting between my siblings and me. they would always say: "look at each other. when we pass on, this is the only family you will have left. you have to love each other." despite what's going on between your sister and your step-mom, **a parent should never encourage siblings to grow apart and should never try to force a child to take sides.**
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nta. your sister has the right to feel how she feels. your mom has the right to feel how she feels. you have the right to love both of them regardless of how they feel about each other.
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nta - sounds like you're handling a difficult situation as well as possible. the only "a" in this story is your dad for suggesting that you need to choose between your sister and your stepmom.
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nta. i would say n a h except your dad thinking that you have any control over your sisters feelings pushes him into that territory as does expecting you to "side" with him. it also seems that your dad and stepmom haven't tried hard enough to understand your sister's perspective. the entire situation is horribly sad but the 6-year age difference is going to have a huge difference in how the two of you viewed your stepmom it's really sad that they can't understand that rather than holding it against your sister. continue to let your dad and stepmom know that you love them but you aren't in control of your sister's feelings or actions and you love her as well.
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nta - while i can understand why this would hurt your stepmothers feelings she and your father have no right to dictate what kind of relationship your sister has with her or what kind of relationship you have with your sister, nor should she try to. i can see from her perspective that is painful, but it sounds like your sister also experienced a lot of pain that shouldn’t be discounted. i think therapy would benefit your step mom to help her accept these dynamics that she can’t control.
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nta. your parents are being manipulative. your sister is entitled to feel however she feels about he family and upbringing. she does not owe your stepmother a relationship with her or her children one bit. and you do not owe your parents such blind loyalty that you should feel obligated to disown your sister on their behalf.
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nta - i'm so sorry you're in this turmoil! what a hard, horrible situation to be torn between your beloved sister and your beloved mother. i say this gently, because it's clear there's hurt on all sides here, but i think your dad's the asshole in this situation. your sister was 8 when your mother died - she (and you, but 2 is a huge developmental difference from 8, so mostly her) needed to be in therapy, both individually and in family therapy with you and your dad. when your dad decided to propose to your mom, and bring her into the family, she should have been involved in that family therapy, and a professional should have helped with that transition. it was solely your dad's job to make all of that happen. additionally, it was solely your dad's job to make sure his oldest daughter felt heard and understood, and he should have made it safe for her to call her stepmom by her name, and made it very, very clear that noone was betraying, replacing, or erasing her mother by welcoming and loving his new wife. he clearly pushed, and is still pushing, for her to accept your mom as her new mom, which probably feels like a betrayal and erasure to her. there is nothing wrong with accepting her as "step mom" and not "mom" and your dad is the one who should have made that clear from the beginning, both to her, and to his wife.
what is it with parents in this sub lately, expecting children to just magically think of a new stepparent as "mom" or "dad" and not leaving room for the fact that you can love, respect and honor someone without calling them "mom" or "dad"? children do not *owe* their love to their guardians, and parents, whether bio, step, adopted or assumed, need to learn that love is only earned and never owed.
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nta. your parents need to accept that by this stage, the relationship they want with your sister is just not going to happen. and getting shitty and hurt about it isn’t likely to make your sister want to get closer to them.
your dad was so crap for saying that. you don’t force family members to pick and choose. you are there for your mom and your sister - it’s a marvelous diplomatic and caring feat that you have achieved. you are not responsible for your sisters and mothers relationship.
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nta
it’s not your job to fix what they broke. however your sister felt when your stepmom joined the family should have been recognized and respected. some kids never call a stepparent “mom/dad”. the child owes the adult nothing. it is the adult’s responsibility to care for the child and help raise them.
you’ve done the best here by not trying to invalidate her feelings toward the situation, but also developing your own relationship with your stepmom.
that being said, you shouldn’t hold anything against your sister for excluding your stepmom from her kids’ lives. i’m guessing there is missing info here that would explain how their relationship got so strained, and it probably involves your stepmom’s family thinking they can have a say/input in how a child handles their parent remarrying after one parent dies.
if they fought against the “step” title so much it is no wonder your sister wanted to make the issue very clear in how she raises her kids.
did your father perhaps erase the memory of your mom in the house and throughout your childhood? did he try to push your stepmom on the both of you as a replacement mom??
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INFO
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
| 0.003
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Classify the interpersonal conflict and explain your choice. Your choices are limited to you're the a**hole (yta) when the writer is causing the conflict, not the a**hole (nta) when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict, no a**holes here (nah) when no one is causing the conflict, everyone sucks here (esh) when everyone is causing the conflict, more information needed (info) when a classification cannot be made with the context provided. Conflict context: my sister (29f) and i (23f) lost our mom when i was 2 and she was 8. when i was 5 our dad remarried. my stepmom is mom to me too. i have always thought i have two moms. but for my sister it was different. she does not like our stepmom, she does not accept her and there has always been drama there. i know her reaction has been hurtful to our stepmom and i know there has been a lot of drama in the family because of it. our stepmom's family were really great to me but they disliked how my sister treated their daughter/sister/aunt and stuff and the fact she never would drop the step with them. and now she's a mom of three and the issue has come up because my nephew (the oldest) does not consider our stepmom to be part of the family. he does not know her as grandma and my sister does not really encourage her kids to. it came to public attention because my brother in-law posted a drawing my nephew did of his family on facebook and he included grandpa and grandma. but grandma was the sun looking over them. our stepmom was not in it. so it brought up more heartache and hurt and i get it. and i have some feelings on it too. but my sister is very important to me. she's someone i love and i don't want to lose her even if i might not agree with her on everything. but my parents are hurt that this hasn't hurt our relationship. i talked to my mom a few times since the facebook thing and she told me deep down she doesn't want me to lose my sister but part of her also feels like she's always going to be less than, that she's always going to be the other because there is going to come a time where everyone will be together and it's going to be obvious that my sister and her kids don't want to know her. i told her nothing will ever change my love for her or the fact she's my mom too. my dad told me i need to get my sister to stop acting this way and if i don't then i am choosing her over the woman who has raised me and that by continuing to associate with her i am enabling her shitty behavior. i made it clear nothing was going to turn me away from my sister. that i have my feelings on how she handles things and treats our stepmom. but part of me understands too. i know our mom's death was hard for her. i know she hates that i don't remember our mom and that i was young enough to consider someone else my mom too. i also know my dad did not handle things the best because he didn't realize the age gap between her and me would make our reactions and feelings different. aita?
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<s>[INST] <<SYS>>
Classify the interpersonal conflict and explain your choice. Your choices are limited to you're the a**hole (yta) when the writer is causing the conflict, not the a**hole (nta) when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict, no a**holes here (nah) when no one is causing the conflict, everyone sucks here (esh) when everyone is causing the conflict, more information needed (info) when a classification cannot be made with the context provided.
<</SYS>>
my sister (29f) and i (23f) lost our mom when i was 2 and she was 8. when i was 5 our dad remarried. my stepmom is mom to me too. i have always thought i have two moms. but for my sister it was different. she does not like our stepmom, she does not accept her and there has always been drama there. i know her reaction has been hurtful to our stepmom and i know there has been a lot of drama in the family because of it. our stepmom's family were really great to me but they disliked how my sister treated their daughter/sister/aunt and stuff and the fact she never would drop the step with them. and now she's a mom of three and the issue has come up because my nephew (the oldest) does not consider our stepmom to be part of the family. he does not know her as grandma and my sister does not really encourage her kids to. it came to public attention because my brother in-law posted a drawing my nephew did of his family on facebook and he included grandpa and grandma. but grandma was the sun looking over them. our stepmom was not in it. so it brought up more heartache and hurt and i get it. and i have some feelings on it too. but my sister is very important to me. she's someone i love and i don't want to lose her even if i might not agree with her on everything. but my parents are hurt that this hasn't hurt our relationship. i talked to my mom a few times since the facebook thing and she told me deep down she doesn't want me to lose my sister but part of her also feels like she's always going to be less than, that she's always going to be the other because there is going to come a time where everyone will be together and it's going to be obvious that my sister and her kids don't want to know her. i told her nothing will ever change my love for her or the fact she's my mom too. my dad told me i need to get my sister to stop acting this way and if i don't then i am choosing her over the woman who has raised me and that by continuing to associate with her i am enabling her shitty behavior. i made it clear nothing was going to turn me away from my sister. that i have my feelings on how she handles things and treats our stepmom. but part of me understands too. i know our mom's death was hard for her. i know she hates that i don't remember our mom and that i was young enough to consider someone else my mom too. i also know my dad did not handle things the best because he didn't realize the age gap between her and me would make our reactions and feelings different. aita? [/INST] info: what did your father do to make this transition easier on your sister when she was a child? also, nta - not your place and it's really ridiculous of them to expect you to cut ties with her. </s>
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AITA for still bringing up an old grudge against my in-laws after more than a decade?
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my mil is big on family tradition and has professional family portraits taken every holiday season. this year's photos just came back and my mil was sharing the album at a birthday party this weekend with extended family and friends. the discussion came around to my wife and i and how long we've been together and someone noticed i wasn't in photos that i should have been and asked about it and my mil went silent.
see, i wasn't included in these portraits for a number of years because "only family" could be in the photos. since my wife and i were "only dating", they felt i shouldn't be in the portraits because it "probably wouldn't work out."
my wife and i met in college and dated thru school and had a relatively long engagement as we got on our feet so we were together almost 7 years before our wedding. despite all our time together, and my wife begging each year, my mil and sils insisted that i shouldn't be in the portraits until we said our vows, even the fucking year before our wedding despite the date set and save-the-dates sent. and honestly, it always hurt and was like a yearly reminder that i wasn't truly "family" to them.
the real kicker to me though is that my mil and sils were all married and since divorced in that time, one of my sil twice! so all these photos that i wasn't worthy to be part of include men that are not only *not* a part of the family anymore, but 2 were really assholes and all three of my sils marriages were short-lived relationships and ended in messy divorces on really bad terms. but me, who is still here and the other half of the only long lasting and successful relationship of my wife's immediate family, was not included in this tradition for nearly a decade.
so anyway, i started laughing when the question came up and went over the story and pointed out how all these jerks are in the photos but i wasn't allowed. and i apparently took a bit of joy in the fact that since my mil and sils pretty much hate those men now, the portraits are kind of useless and stay locked in a cabinet all year because of it. (it used to practically be a coffee table book)
well, my mil started crying, my sils were offended at my portrayals of their marriages, and everyone else who didn't see the humor was pretty much upset at me for calling them out for their unfair practices.
i felt like i acted fairly at the time by just pointing out how the tradition backfired but my wife mentioned that i still get pissy each year over the photos and always have something snarky to say and it's long past time i let it go. maybe she's right, she usually is, but i can't tell you how irked i get every time that damn album comes out.
so, aita?
| 8,808
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https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/eqf0v4/aita_for_still_bringing_up_an_old_grudge_against/
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2020-01-18 10:51:26
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esh but mate so justified. i understand your pain and how they've treated you sucks but you can't rub them the wrong way if you want them to consider you family and open their arms to you. you have to find a way to let this go or fix it so that you can move on and not sabotage your future with them. be the bigger person and show them they were wrong about you every single day with your actions and by loving your wife, not by rubbing raw wounds :).
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yta. i don't think there's anything about your in-laws rule which is unfair. they aren't treating you badly or inconsistently. the family photos include spouses. when you became one, you got included. all you had to say when asked was "we weren't married yet, so i wasn't in the pictures." instead you had to go and drag up a bunch of bad feelings because you're all pissy you didn't get included. your wife is absolutely right, it's long past time you let it go.
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i was so on your side right up until you started pointing out how everyone in the family is a big ole failure at marriage so yta
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yta. i’m finding it hard to see your side here, the tradition of the portraits are/were those who are married or blood related. you may not like it and think it unfair, but it’s not like they ever swayed on this point and let someone else in but kept you out. which would have been unfair and then they would be assholes. unless you’re paying for the portraits, or it’s your tradition, you don’t get a say. for everyone’s sake (including your own) you need to really let this go.
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yta. yes it sucks to be excluded because you weren't married at the time and yes it must be very vindicating that you have a longer standing marriage, but in the process you are also embarrassing your wife. so you have your gotcha moment, but your wife also in the very least has a husband who might be longer lasting, but who looks petty and immature.
the saying usually is the "best revenge is living well." in my opinion you're not.
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yta their rule of spouses and family only is not that weird, and then you gloat because sils have had to go through painful divorces. just plain petty and mean-spirited. you definitely owe apologies all around.
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nta
let me explain.
if they can't take it then they shouldn't dish it out. calling you not a part of the family after an extended period of time of dating and even when you had a freakin' wedding date definitely stings, i can understand that. i think the fact that you brought up the portraits again after more than a decade is a little bit childish but i don't think it makes you ta. if anything, take pride in the fact that you are the one who made it and not gotten a divorce through all of this mess with your in-laws. let that serve as their reminder everyday if you must still hold a grudge. i wouldn't bring it up anymore. be civil and let bygones be bygones at this point
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yta
what are they supposed to do to change the past now? you ruined a birthday celebration to humiliate your mil (and wife) for what? what good could have come out of it? she can change history?
what part of birthday party screams “bring up failed marriages so i can feel superior” to you?
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someone asked why you weren't on the pictures, the mil went silent out of shame.
then you made her cry. ha.
the photos probably lost any sense of sanctity or integrity with all the discarded ex husbands, which i guess is a shameful reality for whoever is keeping this thing together. their hypocrisy is just a dirty secret.
anyway, stop saying nasty truths, go pose for an awkward photo.
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yta. i think it’s a little weird to include boyfriends in family photos. fiancés too really. it’s cool you guys worked out but it would also be terrible if everyone’s boyfriends were in the picture and came and went every year or two. but my family doesn’t get together for big pictures so i’m not the type to do that. i always figured as my kids got married i would have updated photos of each of their families.
also side note: i have a step son whose married. they’ve separated twice and got close to divorce. i was tired of replacing their picture, so right now their couple photo is displayed, but directly behind it is a photo of him by himself with the inspirational collage i made covering her face ha. i swap it out depending on their relationship status. he thought it was funny. she must never know. 😳😁
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ESH
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YTA
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YTA
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YTA
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YTA
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YTA
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NTA
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YTA
| null |
YTA
| 0.048498
|
Classify the interpersonal conflict and explain your choice. Your choices are limited to you're the a**hole (yta) when the writer is causing the conflict, not the a**hole (nta) when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict, no a**holes here (nah) when no one is causing the conflict, everyone sucks here (esh) when everyone is causing the conflict, more information needed (info) when a classification cannot be made with the context provided. Conflict context: my mil is big on family tradition and has professional family portraits taken every holiday season. this year's photos just came back and my mil was sharing the album at a birthday party this weekend with extended family and friends. the discussion came around to my wife and i and how long we've been together and someone noticed i wasn't in photos that i should have been and asked about it and my mil went silent. see, i wasn't included in these portraits for a number of years because "only family" could be in the photos. since my wife and i were "only dating", they felt i shouldn't be in the portraits because it "probably wouldn't work out." my wife and i met in college and dated thru school and had a relatively long engagement as we got on our feet so we were together almost 7 years before our wedding. despite all our time together, and my wife begging each year, my mil and sils insisted that i shouldn't be in the portraits until we said our vows, even the fucking year before our wedding despite the date set and save-the-dates sent. and honestly, it always hurt and was like a yearly reminder that i wasn't truly "family" to them. the real kicker to me though is that my mil and sils were all married and since divorced in that time, one of my sil twice! so all these photos that i wasn't worthy to be part of include men that are not only *not* a part of the family anymore, but 2 were really assholes and all three of my sils marriages were short-lived relationships and ended in messy divorces on really bad terms. but me, who is still here and the other half of the only long lasting and successful relationship of my wife's immediate family, was not included in this tradition for nearly a decade. so anyway, i started laughing when the question came up and went over the story and pointed out how all these jerks are in the photos but i wasn't allowed. and i apparently took a bit of joy in the fact that since my mil and sils pretty much hate those men now, the portraits are kind of useless and stay locked in a cabinet all year because of it. (it used to practically be a coffee table book) well, my mil started crying, my sils were offended at my portrayals of their marriages, and everyone else who didn't see the humor was pretty much upset at me for calling them out for their unfair practices. i felt like i acted fairly at the time by just pointing out how the tradition backfired but my wife mentioned that i still get pissy each year over the photos and always have something snarky to say and it's long past time i let it go. maybe she's right, she usually is, but i can't tell you how irked i get every time that damn album comes out. so, aita?
|
<s>[INST] <<SYS>>
Classify the interpersonal conflict and explain your choice. Your choices are limited to you're the a**hole (yta) when the writer is causing the conflict, not the a**hole (nta) when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict, no a**holes here (nah) when no one is causing the conflict, everyone sucks here (esh) when everyone is causing the conflict, more information needed (info) when a classification cannot be made with the context provided.
<</SYS>>
my mil is big on family tradition and has professional family portraits taken every holiday season. this year's photos just came back and my mil was sharing the album at a birthday party this weekend with extended family and friends. the discussion came around to my wife and i and how long we've been together and someone noticed i wasn't in photos that i should have been and asked about it and my mil went silent. see, i wasn't included in these portraits for a number of years because "only family" could be in the photos. since my wife and i were "only dating", they felt i shouldn't be in the portraits because it "probably wouldn't work out." my wife and i met in college and dated thru school and had a relatively long engagement as we got on our feet so we were together almost 7 years before our wedding. despite all our time together, and my wife begging each year, my mil and sils insisted that i shouldn't be in the portraits until we said our vows, even the fucking year before our wedding despite the date set and save-the-dates sent. and honestly, it always hurt and was like a yearly reminder that i wasn't truly "family" to them. the real kicker to me though is that my mil and sils were all married and since divorced in that time, one of my sil twice! so all these photos that i wasn't worthy to be part of include men that are not only *not* a part of the family anymore, but 2 were really assholes and all three of my sils marriages were short-lived relationships and ended in messy divorces on really bad terms. but me, who is still here and the other half of the only long lasting and successful relationship of my wife's immediate family, was not included in this tradition for nearly a decade. so anyway, i started laughing when the question came up and went over the story and pointed out how all these jerks are in the photos but i wasn't allowed. and i apparently took a bit of joy in the fact that since my mil and sils pretty much hate those men now, the portraits are kind of useless and stay locked in a cabinet all year because of it. (it used to practically be a coffee table book) well, my mil started crying, my sils were offended at my portrayals of their marriages, and everyone else who didn't see the humor was pretty much upset at me for calling them out for their unfair practices. i felt like i acted fairly at the time by just pointing out how the tradition backfired but my wife mentioned that i still get pissy each year over the photos and always have something snarky to say and it's long past time i let it go. maybe she's right, she usually is, but i can't tell you how irked i get every time that damn album comes out. so, aita? [/INST] esh but mate so justified. i understand your pain and how they've treated you sucks but you can't rub them the wrong way if you want them to consider you family and open their arms to you. you have to find a way to let this go or fix it so that you can move on and not sabotage your future with them. be the bigger person and show them they were wrong about you every single day with your actions and by loving your wife, not by rubbing raw wounds :). </s>
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AITA for owning 3 dogs, against my hoas 2 dog rule?
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my parents moved to a retirement neighborhood, so i moved into their neighborhood after my job required me to move to their state.
we have 3 dogs however, 2 of them look almost the same so we would never walk all 3 at once. it worked for 2 years. well my body neighbor has been telling everyone we have 3 dogs and bitching about it on nextdoor.
the hoa asked to investigate. one of my dogs was at the vet so i said go ahead, they walked through the house and the neighbor was outside. she later walked up to me all ug saying "did the hoa find your dog?"
i said no they didn't, mind your own business bitch.
she then went on to nextdoor to complain again, but the rest of the neighborhood is calling her crazy
| 3,314
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https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/p9mnr9/aita_for_owning_3_dogs_against_my_hoas_2_dog_rule/
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2021-08-22 22:38:51
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esh. but that’s funny as hell. they think she is crazy now and she probably deserves it. mind your own business lady. you aren’t hurting anyone.
you really need to work on moving out though.
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[deleted]
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yta but also fuck hoas. if you choose to live in an hoa, follow the covenant you agreed to.
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yes yta. you moved somewhere that you couldn’t follow the rules, and used underhanded trickery to cover your back. i’m a huge dog lover and have three myself, which is why i would never move somewhere they wouldn’t all be welcome.
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nta. i have never understood how hoas have any right to dictate what’s inside your house. so long as they don’t bark all night, you clean up after them, they are trained and not running wild, i say nta. if they aren’t a nuisance then it shouldn’t be a problem.
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yta. 2 dog rule but owning 3 dogs and doing what you can to circumvent that rule; regardless how stupid that rule sounds
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[deleted]
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yta.
you may not agree with the hoa covenants but they apply nevertheless. now you have effectively gaslighted the neighborhood against your neighbor.
you are a bad neighbor.
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[deleted]
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esh. you for breaking the rules, neighbor for not minding her own business, and hoa for having a stupid rule.
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ESH
| null |
YTA
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YTA
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NTA
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YTA
| null |
YTA
| null |
ESH
| 0.124463
|
Classify the interpersonal conflict and explain your choice. Your choices are limited to you're the a**hole (yta) when the writer is causing the conflict, not the a**hole (nta) when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict, no a**holes here (nah) when no one is causing the conflict, everyone sucks here (esh) when everyone is causing the conflict, more information needed (info) when a classification cannot be made with the context provided. Conflict context: my parents moved to a retirement neighborhood, so i moved into their neighborhood after my job required me to move to their state. we have 3 dogs however, 2 of them look almost the same so we would never walk all 3 at once. it worked for 2 years. well my body neighbor has been telling everyone we have 3 dogs and bitching about it on nextdoor. the hoa asked to investigate. one of my dogs was at the vet so i said go ahead, they walked through the house and the neighbor was outside. she later walked up to me all ug saying "did the hoa find your dog?" i said no they didn't, mind your own business bitch. she then went on to nextdoor to complain again, but the rest of the neighborhood is calling her crazy
|
<s>[INST] <<SYS>>
Classify the interpersonal conflict and explain your choice. Your choices are limited to you're the a**hole (yta) when the writer is causing the conflict, not the a**hole (nta) when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict, no a**holes here (nah) when no one is causing the conflict, everyone sucks here (esh) when everyone is causing the conflict, more information needed (info) when a classification cannot be made with the context provided.
<</SYS>>
my parents moved to a retirement neighborhood, so i moved into their neighborhood after my job required me to move to their state. we have 3 dogs however, 2 of them look almost the same so we would never walk all 3 at once. it worked for 2 years. well my body neighbor has been telling everyone we have 3 dogs and bitching about it on nextdoor. the hoa asked to investigate. one of my dogs was at the vet so i said go ahead, they walked through the house and the neighbor was outside. she later walked up to me all ug saying "did the hoa find your dog?" i said no they didn't, mind your own business bitch. she then went on to nextdoor to complain again, but the rest of the neighborhood is calling her crazy [/INST] esh. but that’s funny as hell. they think she is crazy now and she probably deserves it. mind your own business lady. you aren’t hurting anyone. you really need to work on moving out though. </s>
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AITA for giving our nanny time off while on vacation without speaking to my husband about it?
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my family went on vacation to paris and we took our children’s nanny, hannah, with us. hannah mentioned how she had never been to paris before and there were so many places she’d like to see one day if she ever had the chance to come back. i told her she could always go see them now as we were already in paris but she didn’t think the kids would enjoy the places she wanted to go. i told her not to worry about the kids and she could have the rest of our time in paris to herself.
that same day, my husband told me he had made dinner reservations for the two of us. i told him we would have to take the kids because i gave hanna some time off. he asked me why i would do that and i explained the conversation we had. he was upset and told me he wanted to spend some time with me which was the reason he had told me to ask hannah to come to paris with us. i told him we would still be spending time together but as a family which would be good for the children who don’t get to spend as much time with their dad as i wish they did.
even though we had a good time as a family, he was still upset with me by the time we flew home and still insists that i should’ve spoken to him first even though he usually leaves things regarding hannah and the kids up to me. he’s also suggested the next time we go somewhere we should leave the children at home with hannah for a few days which caused a fight between us as he knows i would never in a million years agree to that.
aita?
| 1,928
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https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/wo91rw/aita_for_giving_our_nanny_time_off_while_on/
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2022-08-14 15:30:05
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nah, but you guys should work on communicating better.
it seems like your husband wants to spend some alone time with you which is totally fine - it's easy to forget that you're not *just* parents but also in a romantic relationship.
you on the other hand want to spend some quality time as a family which is valid, too. and it's absolutely okay to give the nanny some time off as well.
this needs to be an ongoing conversation on how to manage both expectations.
for the future i suggest planning the next day in the evening before.
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nah, but i agree with your husband that that was a dumb thing for you to do. you basically paid for your nanny to go on vacation? very generous of you, but completely defeated the purpose of bringing her. i don’t understand rich people.
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yta. your husband is right that it wasn't your place to unilaterally decide to give the nanny time off without consulting him. it was a nice thing to do and hopefully he would have agreed (perhaps just having her work one more night so that you could have some alone time), but you should have discussed it first.
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esh. you should have communicated with your husband before you had the baby take the day off. you guys should have decided together what day(s) worked best
your husband should have communicated about the dinner reservation.
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yta, it was a kind gesture but something like that should definately be discussed beforehand. it kind of defeats the purpose of bringing your nanny on your vacation
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i agree with your husband. it was worth having a conversation about it first at the very least.
yta.
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esh.
you say he's disengaged from the kids. if that's true he sucks.
your husband suggested that you go away without the kids and it provokes a "huge fight"? that's an over the top reaction to a reasonable suggestion. you can always counter with starting with one night away nut flipping it into a hige fight is weirdly aggressive - you guys need a marriage counselor.
you sent the nanny off duty without coordinating with him and scratched your date night? that was a jerk move, especially on a holiday. you guys could have balanced a couple date nights for the two of you and several time off windows for the nanny - but it sounds like you're both dug in.
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i think i’m going to go a little against the grain here and say yta. i have a full time nanny too and recently brought her with us when we went to thailand. in the day we spent time as a family and she could do her own thing (within reason) but the whole point of bringing her was so we could have couple time at night with a reliable babysitter. it makes no sense to me to spend that much for the nanny to come with you and not accommodate your husband when he wanted a little one on one time. you could’ve easily called the nanny back for the night he booked dinner because that’s why she’s on the trip with you
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i don’t think you were the ah.
i think a lot of people assume your nanny is expected to work for you 24/7, which is illegal. she has to be given time off her job like every other working person. nanny’s are not slaves.
i think the biggest issue here is just lack of communication between you and the husband.
you should have mentioned giving her the night off and he could have mentioned the dinner plans earlier
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both of you need to communicate better. he went off on his own to make a dinner reservation. you gave the nanny her own time without telling him. each of you should have consulted with each other.
note: i think it's very kind of you to give your nanny time off in paris. but considering that you and your husband agreed to bring her "to work", the three of you could have come up with a schedule. for example, if you were there for a week, she could have had 3 days to herself (every other day?) and on the days she was "off", you could have done "kid oriented" activities with your children. unless that was what you had her doing with the children. then, she could have a few days to do what she wanted. if everyone knew the schedule, then each party could plan and there would be fewer conflicts.
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NAH
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NAH
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YTA
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ESH
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YTA
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YTA
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ESH
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YTA
| null | null | 0.153093
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Classify the interpersonal conflict and explain your choice. Your choices are limited to you're the a**hole (yta) when the writer is causing the conflict, not the a**hole (nta) when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict, no a**holes here (nah) when no one is causing the conflict, everyone sucks here (esh) when everyone is causing the conflict, more information needed (info) when a classification cannot be made with the context provided. Conflict context: my family went on vacation to paris and we took our children’s nanny, hannah, with us. hannah mentioned how she had never been to paris before and there were so many places she’d like to see one day if she ever had the chance to come back. i told her she could always go see them now as we were already in paris but she didn’t think the kids would enjoy the places she wanted to go. i told her not to worry about the kids and she could have the rest of our time in paris to herself. that same day, my husband told me he had made dinner reservations for the two of us. i told him we would have to take the kids because i gave hanna some time off. he asked me why i would do that and i explained the conversation we had. he was upset and told me he wanted to spend some time with me which was the reason he had told me to ask hannah to come to paris with us. i told him we would still be spending time together but as a family which would be good for the children who don’t get to spend as much time with their dad as i wish they did. even though we had a good time as a family, he was still upset with me by the time we flew home and still insists that i should’ve spoken to him first even though he usually leaves things regarding hannah and the kids up to me. he’s also suggested the next time we go somewhere we should leave the children at home with hannah for a few days which caused a fight between us as he knows i would never in a million years agree to that. aita?
|
<s>[INST] <<SYS>>
Classify the interpersonal conflict and explain your choice. Your choices are limited to you're the a**hole (yta) when the writer is causing the conflict, not the a**hole (nta) when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict, no a**holes here (nah) when no one is causing the conflict, everyone sucks here (esh) when everyone is causing the conflict, more information needed (info) when a classification cannot be made with the context provided.
<</SYS>>
my family went on vacation to paris and we took our children’s nanny, hannah, with us. hannah mentioned how she had never been to paris before and there were so many places she’d like to see one day if she ever had the chance to come back. i told her she could always go see them now as we were already in paris but she didn’t think the kids would enjoy the places she wanted to go. i told her not to worry about the kids and she could have the rest of our time in paris to herself. that same day, my husband told me he had made dinner reservations for the two of us. i told him we would have to take the kids because i gave hanna some time off. he asked me why i would do that and i explained the conversation we had. he was upset and told me he wanted to spend some time with me which was the reason he had told me to ask hannah to come to paris with us. i told him we would still be spending time together but as a family which would be good for the children who don’t get to spend as much time with their dad as i wish they did. even though we had a good time as a family, he was still upset with me by the time we flew home and still insists that i should’ve spoken to him first even though he usually leaves things regarding hannah and the kids up to me. he’s also suggested the next time we go somewhere we should leave the children at home with hannah for a few days which caused a fight between us as he knows i would never in a million years agree to that. aita? [/INST] nah, but you guys should work on communicating better. it seems like your husband wants to spend some alone time with you which is totally fine - it's easy to forget that you're not *just* parents but also in a romantic relationship. you on the other hand want to spend some quality time as a family which is valid, too. and it's absolutely okay to give the nanny some time off as well. this needs to be an ongoing conversation on how to manage both expectations. for the future i suggest planning the next day in the evening before. </s>
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AITA for getting angry with my parents for not inviting me to the restaurant they all went to?
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i have a healthy eating lifestyle but it doesn't mean i don't like to enjoy unutritional meals once in a while. i hate when people think you either can eat healthy or eat unhealthy. like why can't it be a balance between the two? my family all went to a really beautiful restaurant yesterday for my mother's birthday with lots of sushi (my favourite meal). i'm 18 and i'm still living with them and won't move until hs in finished. i went out yesterday to go to the gym and for a run and my whole family secretly left without me. they told me the reason why they didn't ask me was because "i have a healthy eating lifestyle". i told her that was a very strange excuse, like they didn't even ask me if i wanted to go. i thought it was quite unfair and got very mad. was i in the wrong?
| 460
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https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/cqnju9/aita_for_getting_angry_with_my_parents_for_not/
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2019-08-15 09:30:09
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info - i feel like there's some huge backstory missing from this post. this is a very weird thing to do completely out of the blue. is there a history related to your diet that would make them respond like this, like persistent healthy eating evangelism or something?
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~~nta~~ nah
they could have asked especially as it's your mum's birthday meal.
have you been vocal about your diet in the past? if you've given them a hard time in the past about it they may have thought best leave you alone.
still though, it was her birthday meal.
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info: are you a douche about eating healthy? ie talking about it all the time and shaming people for not being like you?
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nta. you should really update the post with the information from your comments. your healthy lifestyle and weight loss is just a reminder of her failures. i would be surprised if your mom *wasn’t* holding this against you, and this is her way of punishing you for choosing differently.
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nta - they could of at least asked.
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it sounds from your post and comments like you’ve made eating their regular meals around you a fairly psychologically unpleasant activity for your family, so it’s not surprising they’d want to avoid doing it, especially on a day when your mom particularly wants to enjoy herself without stress. you should stick to the eating separately plan without exceptions; it sounds like the best overall situation for everyone. nah.
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nta.
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nta they were the assholes... maybe try confronting them again and find out the real reason because what they said sounds like bs to me
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nta. although, in what world does sushi land in the "unhealthy" category? it sounds like they have a fundamental misunderstanding of nutrition or they just didn't want you there.
| null |
INFO
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NTA
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INFO
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NTA
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NTA
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NAH
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
| null | 0.032079
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Classify the interpersonal conflict and explain your choice. Your choices are limited to you're the a**hole (yta) when the writer is causing the conflict, not the a**hole (nta) when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict, no a**holes here (nah) when no one is causing the conflict, everyone sucks here (esh) when everyone is causing the conflict, more information needed (info) when a classification cannot be made with the context provided. Conflict context: i have a healthy eating lifestyle but it doesn't mean i don't like to enjoy unutritional meals once in a while. i hate when people think you either can eat healthy or eat unhealthy. like why can't it be a balance between the two? my family all went to a really beautiful restaurant yesterday for my mother's birthday with lots of sushi (my favourite meal). i'm 18 and i'm still living with them and won't move until hs in finished. i went out yesterday to go to the gym and for a run and my whole family secretly left without me. they told me the reason why they didn't ask me was because "i have a healthy eating lifestyle". i told her that was a very strange excuse, like they didn't even ask me if i wanted to go. i thought it was quite unfair and got very mad. was i in the wrong?
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<s>[INST] <<SYS>>
Classify the interpersonal conflict and explain your choice. Your choices are limited to you're the a**hole (yta) when the writer is causing the conflict, not the a**hole (nta) when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict, no a**holes here (nah) when no one is causing the conflict, everyone sucks here (esh) when everyone is causing the conflict, more information needed (info) when a classification cannot be made with the context provided.
<</SYS>>
i have a healthy eating lifestyle but it doesn't mean i don't like to enjoy unutritional meals once in a while. i hate when people think you either can eat healthy or eat unhealthy. like why can't it be a balance between the two? my family all went to a really beautiful restaurant yesterday for my mother's birthday with lots of sushi (my favourite meal). i'm 18 and i'm still living with them and won't move until hs in finished. i went out yesterday to go to the gym and for a run and my whole family secretly left without me. they told me the reason why they didn't ask me was because "i have a healthy eating lifestyle". i told her that was a very strange excuse, like they didn't even ask me if i wanted to go. i thought it was quite unfair and got very mad. was i in the wrong? [/INST] info - i feel like there's some huge backstory missing from this post. this is a very weird thing to do completely out of the blue. is there a history related to your diet that would make them respond like this, like persistent healthy eating evangelism or something? </s>
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AITA for calling the Police on my fiancé?
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my fiance (28m) and i (30f) have been together for 3 years, i used to live close to work and used public transportation but after i moved in to his house which is hours away from work i bought myself a car since i'm a nurse and also since there isn't any hospitals close to where we live that i could transfer to.
my fiance's car hasn't been working for close to 2 months now, it requires so much money to get it fixed and he refused my fiancial help when i offered it.
instead, he would ask to use my car every now and then and i agreed as long as it's when i'm not working and also, since he only uses it for trips to the supermarket etc.
on new years eve, he told me he wanted to use my car to go hang out with his friends and celebrate but i declined because i had to cover a night shift and needed my car to travel to work. he insisted and even suggested i take the night off or swap shifts with another nurse but i couldn't do that last minute.
i thought he dropped it then but when i went into the shower and got out i couldn't find him nor my car, i freaked out and started calling for half an hour but he didn't answer me, i tried again til one of his friends picked up, i demanded he give the phone to my fiance but he said they were out and confirmed that he took my car and told me that my fiance said that it's better that i skip my shift and he'll be back with my car later. i couldn't take it i felt so enraged i had my fiance on the phone telling him i did not consent for him to take my car to go hang out with friends and said i'd call the police to get it back if he refused to come back with it, but he didn't take me seriously so i ended up calling the police and he and his friends were picked up at the bar where they were hanging out, then were taken to the police department.
i got my car from there and still went to my shift, my fiance was let go hours after i left and he blew up my phone with missed calls and texts about how i was out of my mind to call the police on him and put him in this situation. i did not respond but when i got off work the next day we got into an argument and he said he couldn't believe i'd do this to him but i told him he made me do this to which he responded that i was petty and callous because not only did i ruin his new years celebration, but all his friends aren't speaking to him after i put them in this situation as well and he then kept giving me silence about it.
i did consider this a form of theft especially since he went behind my back after getting a "no" from me, but he was shocked that i'd even imply that he was a thief and said what's yours is mine and vice versa so i shouldn't be using the terms "theft and stealing".
| 27,863
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https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/rv11ws/aita_for_calling_the_police_on_my_fiancé/
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2022-01-03 12:52:16
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nta. girl why are you with a man who cannot take care of his own basic needs and insists that you call off work so he can go party? he is using you and you can do way better. do not offer financial help to people like this either. he has money to go out with his friends then he has money for a car.
eta his friends put themselves in to this situation by getting in to a stolen car. do you really think they weren’t all sitting around laughing at you before this happened?
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um. he got you to move far away from public transport and work opportunities into his house,
refuses to fix his car so there is now only 1 between you,
didn't listen to your no,
took your car without permission,
endangered your job by forcing you to miss nye shift when there is no way you could get cover,
yelled at you when he was in the wrong,
didn't defend you to his friends,
is now giving you the silent treatment.
no you are nta, but your boyfriend is giving off some warning signs that you should look at very closely before marrying him.
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nta - please leave him. he’s a thief that belittles your job if he thinks you can call out as a nurse just do he can go out with his friends. what about his friends? don’t they have cars?
ps - thank you for being a nurse!
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[removed]
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this is actually wild. good on you for calling the police. the utter disrespect that man has for you and your career is appalling.
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'yours and mine' my ass. that was your car and you needed it for work. he stole it and he knows it. fuck him. nta.
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nta!!! not even a little bit. you moved to where he was even though it meant a massive commute for you, for what? his convenience?
you let him use your car instead of getting his fixed because he couldn't man up and accept help? how dare you.
now this little shit steals your car like a teenager who doesn't understand how being employed works to go out for a rip with his buds?? and tells you "don't worry man, just like, don't go" ????????
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nta he does know that hospital staff are front line workers and need to go when the hospitals demand them to. you need to dump him as hes got no respect for you or your work
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nta and i can't believe he did this to you. you clearly said no. he broke your boundaries. why is he even driving on nye anyway, he should be ubering or if he's dd then he should be driving his friend's car.
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nta, he stole your car. he’s still your fiancé?
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
| null | null |
NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
| 0
|
Classify the interpersonal conflict and explain your choice. Your choices are limited to you're the a**hole (yta) when the writer is causing the conflict, not the a**hole (nta) when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict, no a**holes here (nah) when no one is causing the conflict, everyone sucks here (esh) when everyone is causing the conflict, more information needed (info) when a classification cannot be made with the context provided. Conflict context: my fiance (28m) and i (30f) have been together for 3 years, i used to live close to work and used public transportation but after i moved in to his house which is hours away from work i bought myself a car since i'm a nurse and also since there isn't any hospitals close to where we live that i could transfer to. my fiance's car hasn't been working for close to 2 months now, it requires so much money to get it fixed and he refused my fiancial help when i offered it. instead, he would ask to use my car every now and then and i agreed as long as it's when i'm not working and also, since he only uses it for trips to the supermarket etc. on new years eve, he told me he wanted to use my car to go hang out with his friends and celebrate but i declined because i had to cover a night shift and needed my car to travel to work. he insisted and even suggested i take the night off or swap shifts with another nurse but i couldn't do that last minute. i thought he dropped it then but when i went into the shower and got out i couldn't find him nor my car, i freaked out and started calling for half an hour but he didn't answer me, i tried again til one of his friends picked up, i demanded he give the phone to my fiance but he said they were out and confirmed that he took my car and told me that my fiance said that it's better that i skip my shift and he'll be back with my car later. i couldn't take it i felt so enraged i had my fiance on the phone telling him i did not consent for him to take my car to go hang out with friends and said i'd call the police to get it back if he refused to come back with it, but he didn't take me seriously so i ended up calling the police and he and his friends were picked up at the bar where they were hanging out, then were taken to the police department. i got my car from there and still went to my shift, my fiance was let go hours after i left and he blew up my phone with missed calls and texts about how i was out of my mind to call the police on him and put him in this situation. i did not respond but when i got off work the next day we got into an argument and he said he couldn't believe i'd do this to him but i told him he made me do this to which he responded that i was petty and callous because not only did i ruin his new years celebration, but all his friends aren't speaking to him after i put them in this situation as well and he then kept giving me silence about it. i did consider this a form of theft especially since he went behind my back after getting a "no" from me, but he was shocked that i'd even imply that he was a thief and said what's yours is mine and vice versa so i shouldn't be using the terms "theft and stealing".
|
<s>[INST] <<SYS>>
Classify the interpersonal conflict and explain your choice. Your choices are limited to you're the a**hole (yta) when the writer is causing the conflict, not the a**hole (nta) when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict, no a**holes here (nah) when no one is causing the conflict, everyone sucks here (esh) when everyone is causing the conflict, more information needed (info) when a classification cannot be made with the context provided.
<</SYS>>
my fiance (28m) and i (30f) have been together for 3 years, i used to live close to work and used public transportation but after i moved in to his house which is hours away from work i bought myself a car since i'm a nurse and also since there isn't any hospitals close to where we live that i could transfer to. my fiance's car hasn't been working for close to 2 months now, it requires so much money to get it fixed and he refused my fiancial help when i offered it. instead, he would ask to use my car every now and then and i agreed as long as it's when i'm not working and also, since he only uses it for trips to the supermarket etc. on new years eve, he told me he wanted to use my car to go hang out with his friends and celebrate but i declined because i had to cover a night shift and needed my car to travel to work. he insisted and even suggested i take the night off or swap shifts with another nurse but i couldn't do that last minute. i thought he dropped it then but when i went into the shower and got out i couldn't find him nor my car, i freaked out and started calling for half an hour but he didn't answer me, i tried again til one of his friends picked up, i demanded he give the phone to my fiance but he said they were out and confirmed that he took my car and told me that my fiance said that it's better that i skip my shift and he'll be back with my car later. i couldn't take it i felt so enraged i had my fiance on the phone telling him i did not consent for him to take my car to go hang out with friends and said i'd call the police to get it back if he refused to come back with it, but he didn't take me seriously so i ended up calling the police and he and his friends were picked up at the bar where they were hanging out, then were taken to the police department. i got my car from there and still went to my shift, my fiance was let go hours after i left and he blew up my phone with missed calls and texts about how i was out of my mind to call the police on him and put him in this situation. i did not respond but when i got off work the next day we got into an argument and he said he couldn't believe i'd do this to him but i told him he made me do this to which he responded that i was petty and callous because not only did i ruin his new years celebration, but all his friends aren't speaking to him after i put them in this situation as well and he then kept giving me silence about it. i did consider this a form of theft especially since he went behind my back after getting a "no" from me, but he was shocked that i'd even imply that he was a thief and said what's yours is mine and vice versa so i shouldn't be using the terms "theft and stealing". [/INST] nta. girl why are you with a man who cannot take care of his own basic needs and insists that you call off work so he can go party? he is using you and you can do way better. do not offer financial help to people like this either. he has money to go out with his friends then he has money for a car. eta his friends put themselves in to this situation by getting in to a stolen car. do you really think they weren’t all sitting around laughing at you before this happened? </s>
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AITA for calling a trophy wife a trophy wife?
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my older brother was married briefly and it didn't work out. he recently remarried, she's 22, he's 33. she's very pretty but very young, she comes off as younger than she is in her attitude. she also doesn't seem unintelligent per se but she has a high school education and has never worked a day in her life and doesn't seem that interested in personal growth/education. she and my brother's explicit plan is to start having kids as soon as possible, ideally 3-4. she is right now a stay-at-home-wife and will be a stay-at-home-mom. they're already trying to get pregnant.
my brother and i both inherited a nest egg when our dad passed away a decade ago, and our mom is well-off too, and he makes large salary personally. he has several properties and a full-time housekeeper.
i don't have a problem with her or with him, though i do think the maturity levels seems like it would be an issue. i'm only 26 and due to this age difference have always had trouble relating to my brother as an equal, he can be patronizing etc. at best, 22yo is equally mature to me but realistically a bit less mature since she's 4 years younger. so if my brother and i can't always relate as equals, it's hard to imagine her and him relating as equals.
but like i said she's not far from my age so to me she's more of a peer and i don't dislike her, she's fun. and i'm not working right now either, because like i said i have money from my parents and a small business on the side (i do recognize it's a privilege to not have to work right now). so we've been hanging out sometimes during the weekdays like grabbing coffee or going the gym.
i was at their house after going to the gym with her and my brother was there.
while she was grabbing something from another room, my brother took a shot at me for being unemployed and being able to just go to the gym for hours in the middle of the workday. i said we're both going to the gym in the middle of a weekday, your wife is "unemployed" too. he said that's different, and i said don't take shots at me for not working if you have a trophy wife doing the same. he got really offended and yelled at me, but in the process of him being offended his wife heard what i said (or maybe she overheard my comment i'm not sure). she was upset too. but am i wrong for calling a spade a spade?
| 3,516
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https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/y357wa/aita_for_calling_a_trophy_wife_a_trophy_wife/
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2022-10-13 17:56:09
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esh except maybe her? it sounds like you're trying to be friendly with her then just insulting her. you like her enough to hang out with her, so don't be crummy to her.
your brother deserved a clapback but not one at her expense.
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esh - your brother for taking a stab on the fact that you are ´unemployed´ while his wife is in the same boat, you for calling her a trophy wife. it´s just not a nice term and imo pretty derogatory, so i can imagine that especially she is feeling upset about it, especially if you are hanging out as peers.
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esh. your brother was wrong to say what he did, but you were also out of line when you lashed out at his wife in the same manner that he lashed out at you. a stay at home wife is not necessarily the same as a trophy wife. if you had simply left it at unemployed, i wouldn't be so critical of you, and i would agree that you were calling a spade a spade. you escalated up to insults by calling her a trophy wife, though.
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esh (except the wife, who wasn't even involved in the conflict)
your brother is a condescending asshole, and you're an asshole for flipping it back onto his wife. your whole web of rationalization around maturity levels is telling enough, you've been waiting to blurt that one out for months and he's probably been doing the same. poor wife is just caught in the crossfire of passive aggressive judgemental assholes.
honestly y'all sound like pieces of work. get a damned job and mind your business. stop hanging out with your brother and his wife if you hate them so much.
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[removed]
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yta. you were offended by being called a stay at home brother, so you literally insulted his wife. next time you're offended, take it up with the person who offended you, not an innocent party who has done nothing wrong.
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that's not really what a trophy wife is. they're planning a family.
a trophy wife is an older guy who's had his kids and a success career, divorcing and getting married to a young hottie to say "i won."
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yta. you seem really judgmental about their relationship and her maturity. not all women who choose to stay home and raise their kids are trophy wives, in fact, they are contributing a huge service to their families. you said something rude, but not unforgivable, so apologize and move on. maybe getting a job yourself will keep you busy enough that you won’t have to entertain yourself by judging other peoples’ relationships.
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esh. he insulted you, and you insulted her.
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you're not wrong, you're just an asshole. so is your brother for his comment to you, but you're a bigger one since you dragged someone who didn't deserve it into the fight.
yta
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ESH
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ESH
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ESH
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ESH
| null |
YTA
| null |
YTA
|
ESH
|
YTA
| 0.023639
|
Classify the interpersonal conflict and explain your choice. Your choices are limited to you're the a**hole (yta) when the writer is causing the conflict, not the a**hole (nta) when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict, no a**holes here (nah) when no one is causing the conflict, everyone sucks here (esh) when everyone is causing the conflict, more information needed (info) when a classification cannot be made with the context provided. Conflict context: my older brother was married briefly and it didn't work out. he recently remarried, she's 22, he's 33. she's very pretty but very young, she comes off as younger than she is in her attitude. she also doesn't seem unintelligent per se but she has a high school education and has never worked a day in her life and doesn't seem that interested in personal growth/education. she and my brother's explicit plan is to start having kids as soon as possible, ideally 3-4. she is right now a stay-at-home-wife and will be a stay-at-home-mom. they're already trying to get pregnant. my brother and i both inherited a nest egg when our dad passed away a decade ago, and our mom is well-off too, and he makes large salary personally. he has several properties and a full-time housekeeper. i don't have a problem with her or with him, though i do think the maturity levels seems like it would be an issue. i'm only 26 and due to this age difference have always had trouble relating to my brother as an equal, he can be patronizing etc. at best, 22yo is equally mature to me but realistically a bit less mature since she's 4 years younger. so if my brother and i can't always relate as equals, it's hard to imagine her and him relating as equals. but like i said she's not far from my age so to me she's more of a peer and i don't dislike her, she's fun. and i'm not working right now either, because like i said i have money from my parents and a small business on the side (i do recognize it's a privilege to not have to work right now). so we've been hanging out sometimes during the weekdays like grabbing coffee or going the gym. i was at their house after going to the gym with her and my brother was there. while she was grabbing something from another room, my brother took a shot at me for being unemployed and being able to just go to the gym for hours in the middle of the workday. i said we're both going to the gym in the middle of a weekday, your wife is "unemployed" too. he said that's different, and i said don't take shots at me for not working if you have a trophy wife doing the same. he got really offended and yelled at me, but in the process of him being offended his wife heard what i said (or maybe she overheard my comment i'm not sure). she was upset too. but am i wrong for calling a spade a spade?
|
<s>[INST] <<SYS>>
Classify the interpersonal conflict and explain your choice. Your choices are limited to you're the a**hole (yta) when the writer is causing the conflict, not the a**hole (nta) when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict, no a**holes here (nah) when no one is causing the conflict, everyone sucks here (esh) when everyone is causing the conflict, more information needed (info) when a classification cannot be made with the context provided.
<</SYS>>
my older brother was married briefly and it didn't work out. he recently remarried, she's 22, he's 33. she's very pretty but very young, she comes off as younger than she is in her attitude. she also doesn't seem unintelligent per se but she has a high school education and has never worked a day in her life and doesn't seem that interested in personal growth/education. she and my brother's explicit plan is to start having kids as soon as possible, ideally 3-4. she is right now a stay-at-home-wife and will be a stay-at-home-mom. they're already trying to get pregnant. my brother and i both inherited a nest egg when our dad passed away a decade ago, and our mom is well-off too, and he makes large salary personally. he has several properties and a full-time housekeeper. i don't have a problem with her or with him, though i do think the maturity levels seems like it would be an issue. i'm only 26 and due to this age difference have always had trouble relating to my brother as an equal, he can be patronizing etc. at best, 22yo is equally mature to me but realistically a bit less mature since she's 4 years younger. so if my brother and i can't always relate as equals, it's hard to imagine her and him relating as equals. but like i said she's not far from my age so to me she's more of a peer and i don't dislike her, she's fun. and i'm not working right now either, because like i said i have money from my parents and a small business on the side (i do recognize it's a privilege to not have to work right now). so we've been hanging out sometimes during the weekdays like grabbing coffee or going the gym. i was at their house after going to the gym with her and my brother was there. while she was grabbing something from another room, my brother took a shot at me for being unemployed and being able to just go to the gym for hours in the middle of the workday. i said we're both going to the gym in the middle of a weekday, your wife is "unemployed" too. he said that's different, and i said don't take shots at me for not working if you have a trophy wife doing the same. he got really offended and yelled at me, but in the process of him being offended his wife heard what i said (or maybe she overheard my comment i'm not sure). she was upset too. but am i wrong for calling a spade a spade? [/INST] esh except maybe her? it sounds like you're trying to be friendly with her then just insulting her. you like her enough to hang out with her, so don't be crummy to her. your brother deserved a clapback but not one at her expense. </s>
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AITA for being upset at my wife for running away and leaving our son, when they were in danger?
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last weekend, my wife emily, our son jacob, and i were walking home in heavy rain from the park. emily was crossing the street holding jacob's hand and i was walking a little back behind them. they were both rushing to get out of the rain and had gotten ahead of me.
when they were crossing the street, a car came speeding to the intersection much too fast and slammed on their brakes before the red light but hydroplaned in a deep puddle.
and i watched in horror as my wife literally sprinted away, pulling her hand free of jacob's. he was frozen in place like a deer in headlights. the car got traction and swerved to a stop at the last moment and i ran over to jacob. emily was a ways away across the street.
i was furious at emily for running, and i confronted her when we got home and we could talk privately. she started crying and saying she was terrified because her friend in college had been in a bad hit and run and she just panicked and ran.
i said that i was terrified for jacob too, how could she run and literally yank her hand away from him? she just kept saying she was so scared she wasn't thinking, and i was saying that i don't care how scary something is, my first instinct was to protect my son.
she stormed out of the house and went to stay with her friend, and ever since she's come back she's been refusing to talk about it anymore. i want to talk stuff through, like honestly this has made me worried about leaving our son in her care alone, knowing she will put herself first to the point of leaving him in danger.
aita for being angry at my wife for running away and leaving our son in the street when a car blew through the intersection?
| 6,053
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https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/ignwvr/aita_for_being_upset_at_my_wife_for_running_away/
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2020-08-25 23:44:43
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nah everyone reacted on instinct not intent. don't be the asshole who breaks their so and makes their life hell for one bad choice in an emergency. she knows, she nearly caused her son to die, she feels guilty, she will probably always feel guilty. even though she reacted on instinct. can you move past this? can you forgive her?
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no judgement but you guys do need to talk about it. if it was frightening for her, **what about your son who almost died**? this situation triggers trauma for your wife, but it also created trauma for your son. he'll remember this situation as his mother abandoned him to save her own skin. at some point, she's going to need to talk about this to him, if not to you. everyone needs therapy in this situation.
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nah. you can't blame her for giving into her instinct especially if it's coupled with a trauma, but no one can fault you for being worried about your son too. worst case scenario something terrible could have happened, so you're justified for feeling at least concerned about it and i get emotion got in the way in that moment.
be thankful nothing bad happened and try to move past this while making it clear to her that you don't want to blame her.
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i'm going to say a very gentle nah.
your wife had a horrifically traumatic experience, and she was reacting to that. she didn't mean her child harm. there was no malice involved at all. shaming her for a response that was involuntary isn't going to make her change - it's just going to make her resent you.
obviously you are upset. what you saw was terrifying. you love your kid. but you need to understand that your wife loves him, too. and she probably feels guilty as hell right now. i suspect that her reaction terrified her just as much as it terrified you.
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please make sure jacob is ok after this
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yta
>she just kept saying she was so scared she wasn't thinking, and i was saying that i don't care how scary something is, my first instinct was to protect my son.
i was gonna say n a h up until here. before this point, both your reactions were reasonable. your wife acted without thinking, fight or flight and all that, i'm sure she wouldn't leave y'alls kid behind on purpose. and if my significant other left our kid for dead of course i'd be mad, but that "i don't care how scary something is" comment made you the asshole. after she talked about what happened with her college friend and said she just panicked you could've ended it right there and said something along the lines of, "i understand that it just kind of happened. sorry about getting mad, i was just so scared for jacob." but no, you went on to say that you don't care about how it was beyond her control.
apologize to your wife, man.
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nta. she left your son to fend for himself in a dangerous situation, when as his parent she should protect him and care for him.
your wife needs someone to talk to, like a counselor, to resolve these issues, and figure out what she needs.
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force majeure
nah
no one can predict their automatic reaction to eminent danger. you can't hold this against your wife. also, your son has to have a reaction to this. focus on him, why not?
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nah, in the day it happened. people are saying her reaction was instinctive, so was yours. but i also don't see how talking this through is going to help. she wishes she had a different reaction, but she didn't. what will talking help? what response do you want?
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nah, i get that you’re mad and terrified of what could have happened.
i hate how people refer to “maternal instinct”, it really does not work how most people think it does. for one it is not an instinct but a learned behavior!
...
as darcy lockman, psychologist and author of all the rage: mothers, fathers, and the myth of equal partnership told us, “human beings don’t really have instincts. primates don’t. we have a neocortex. there are animals that rely primarily on instinct to survive. human beings are not among them. we have a more developed brain and we require learning to survive, which has made us more able to adapt to our environment. so, parenting skills are learned, not innate for males as well as females.”
to qualify as an instinct, the behavior should be automatic, irresistible, triggered by something in the environment, occur at some particular time during development, require no training, be unmodifiable and occur in all individuals of a species.
so few (if any) human behaviors qualified as ‘instincts’ that psychologists replaced the term with ‘drives’.
yes, the idea of maternal instinct is largely a myth, says dr catherine monk, psychologist and professor of medical psychology.
the exception, she says, is that a person, no matter their gender or sexual orientation, can gain early on and maintain throughout development, a keen sense of their child. but this ability is still different from maternal instinct. for example, a parent may quickly suss out the specific meaning behind the cries of their newborn.
psychotherapist, dana dorfman, phd, agrees that many aspects of maternal instinct are a myth. “a mother’s intuition or innate sense about the baby’s needs may be attributable to their experiences, temperament, and attachment style,”
as parents connect and bond with their babies, dorfman says they learn parenting skills through practice and experience. while some of this process may be “unconscious,” she says it does not necessarily mean that it is instinctual.
“when you become a parent, biologically, or otherwise, your brain chemistry changes,” says dorfman. this doesn’t only happen to the person giving birth.
|
NAH
| null |
NAH
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NAH
| null |
YTA
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NTA
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NAH
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NAH
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NAH
| 0.212837
|
Classify the interpersonal conflict and explain your choice. Your choices are limited to you're the a**hole (yta) when the writer is causing the conflict, not the a**hole (nta) when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict, no a**holes here (nah) when no one is causing the conflict, everyone sucks here (esh) when everyone is causing the conflict, more information needed (info) when a classification cannot be made with the context provided. Conflict context: last weekend, my wife emily, our son jacob, and i were walking home in heavy rain from the park. emily was crossing the street holding jacob's hand and i was walking a little back behind them. they were both rushing to get out of the rain and had gotten ahead of me. when they were crossing the street, a car came speeding to the intersection much too fast and slammed on their brakes before the red light but hydroplaned in a deep puddle. and i watched in horror as my wife literally sprinted away, pulling her hand free of jacob's. he was frozen in place like a deer in headlights. the car got traction and swerved to a stop at the last moment and i ran over to jacob. emily was a ways away across the street. i was furious at emily for running, and i confronted her when we got home and we could talk privately. she started crying and saying she was terrified because her friend in college had been in a bad hit and run and she just panicked and ran. i said that i was terrified for jacob too, how could she run and literally yank her hand away from him? she just kept saying she was so scared she wasn't thinking, and i was saying that i don't care how scary something is, my first instinct was to protect my son. she stormed out of the house and went to stay with her friend, and ever since she's come back she's been refusing to talk about it anymore. i want to talk stuff through, like honestly this has made me worried about leaving our son in her care alone, knowing she will put herself first to the point of leaving him in danger. aita for being angry at my wife for running away and leaving our son in the street when a car blew through the intersection?
|
<s>[INST] <<SYS>>
Classify the interpersonal conflict and explain your choice. Your choices are limited to you're the a**hole (yta) when the writer is causing the conflict, not the a**hole (nta) when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict, no a**holes here (nah) when no one is causing the conflict, everyone sucks here (esh) when everyone is causing the conflict, more information needed (info) when a classification cannot be made with the context provided.
<</SYS>>
last weekend, my wife emily, our son jacob, and i were walking home in heavy rain from the park. emily was crossing the street holding jacob's hand and i was walking a little back behind them. they were both rushing to get out of the rain and had gotten ahead of me. when they were crossing the street, a car came speeding to the intersection much too fast and slammed on their brakes before the red light but hydroplaned in a deep puddle. and i watched in horror as my wife literally sprinted away, pulling her hand free of jacob's. he was frozen in place like a deer in headlights. the car got traction and swerved to a stop at the last moment and i ran over to jacob. emily was a ways away across the street. i was furious at emily for running, and i confronted her when we got home and we could talk privately. she started crying and saying she was terrified because her friend in college had been in a bad hit and run and she just panicked and ran. i said that i was terrified for jacob too, how could she run and literally yank her hand away from him? she just kept saying she was so scared she wasn't thinking, and i was saying that i don't care how scary something is, my first instinct was to protect my son. she stormed out of the house and went to stay with her friend, and ever since she's come back she's been refusing to talk about it anymore. i want to talk stuff through, like honestly this has made me worried about leaving our son in her care alone, knowing she will put herself first to the point of leaving him in danger. aita for being angry at my wife for running away and leaving our son in the street when a car blew through the intersection? [/INST] nah everyone reacted on instinct not intent. don't be the asshole who breaks their so and makes their life hell for one bad choice in an emergency. she knows, she nearly caused her son to die, she feels guilty, she will probably always feel guilty. even though she reacted on instinct. can you move past this? can you forgive her? </s>
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AITA for eating my girlfriend's leftover pizza?
|
i (27m) recently moved in with my girlfriend (25f.) we've been together for a couple of years now.
i work the swing shift as a corrections officer at a jail and i don't get home until a little after 3am. i also have a mix of weekdays and weekends off. she works a more traditional monday through friday 9-5 schedule.
the other night when i came home from work it had been a particularly chaotic night. i hadn't had a chance to eat and i was starving. my girlfriend was fast asleep. i had the next day off but she had to work. i figured on making myself a sandwich or maybe some ramen noodles and then going to bed, but when i look in the refrigerator i saw a pizza box. i looked and saw that there were four slices of pizza left. i just figured "well that was sweet of her; she ordered more pizza than she could eat so that i would have something to eat when i got home." so i warmed up three of the slices, watched an episode of "masterchef" on hulu while i ate them, and then went to bed.
i woke up a little before noon the next day to a text message from my girlfriend, telling me that i was an "inconsiderate ass" for eating her pizza. she said that she had intended the rest of the pizza to be her breakfast and lunch for the next day. i texted back that i was sorry, but that she should have put a note on the pizza box or texted me to let me know if she didn't want me to eat it. i also said that if she's going to order food she should order enough for both of us; as i would do the same for her.
the way i see it; we live together now, so food in the refrigerator is up for grabs. but she's still kind of mad at me, thinking that i was presumptuous in eating "her" pizza. aita?
| 3,013
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https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/vea08s/aita_for_eating_my_girlfriends_leftover_pizza/
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2022-06-17 10:26:40
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info: how often have you ordered extra food when you were home alone, so she would have leftovers when she got home? is this something you’ve agreed to do as a couple?
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nah that's the teething problems that come with moving in together. you now know you view left overs differently, and can ensure it doesn't happen again.
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all the people saying nta are the same food stealing offenders.
all the ytas you got trauma from leftovers being savaged.
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nah. this was a misunderstanding by non communication. hopefully you have now learned something as a couple and can have a conversation about refrigerator boundaries. these kinds of discussions are especially important for partners with unmatched life schedules. there will be a lot of them as you learn how to cohabit. your and her ability's to agree on and respect those boundaries will probably be the most important factor in how happy and how long you are together. good luck.
edit. siting here in the morning in my thirties with the tummy ick from 2 slices of pizza yesterday. sadly missing my twenties when eating pizza exclusively for three meals in a row wouldn't kill me.
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i go with yta
i always wanna eat my leftovers the next day. if someone eats them i get mad, because it's my food. you can ask at least before you eat stuff you didn't bought. if you can't ask, don't eat it.
maybe you 2 should have a talk about food, ordering and your expectations that she always should order food for you too.
i'd be mad too, sorry.. but living together doesn't mean you can eat whatever is there.
|
yta
i was ready to chalk this up to a misunderstanding and give nah but your final paragraph really bugs me. and the quote marks around "her" pizza. it *was* her pizza an you're still acting like it was yours.
you can't just unilaterally declare that anything in the house is yours to eat if you feel like it. that's rude af.
your gf also obviously doesn't see it that way, so you need to have a conversation about how sharing food is going to work now that you live together. not just say anything you see is up for grabs. yta for holding to that view even now when you know she disagrees.
have some manners and respect for your gf and talk about it instead of sticking to your entitlement guns.
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when faced with the unknown, such as the mysterious pizza box in the fridge, the onus is on he who breaches the veil of maya to ascertain the nature of that which he has discovered.
in this particular case, unable to satisfy your inquisitive duty by an interrogation of the oracle rightfully snoring in bed, the correct approach would have been somber abstinence from the devouring urges you fell prey to.
yta
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nah. in my house, if it's not your food then you don't eat it. if my husband sees leftovers in the fridge that's aren't his and he wants it, he asks. i usually say go ahead. likewise, if i see leftovers in the fridge that i didn't put there, i don't touch it. it's not mine.
you two just need to talk, and definitely expect more "growing pains" as you figure out how to live with each other. you sound like a considerate guy and she was just probably looking forward to that pizza. there was one morning i woke up and the first thing i thought of was my leftover mongolian beef. when i went to the fridge and it was gone, boy i was pissed lol
|
nah
you guys are both entitled to your feelings. i find it quite strange that she didn't actually purposely leave anything for you, but that's just me. in my family we always share food, or atleast establish what we don't want touched. also, to the people saying he should've asked, he gf was asleep, and it would've been highly inconsiderate to wake her up for something so trivial (imo). also, you had a tiring shift, came home late, didn't get a chance to eat all day, and saw some easily microwavable food just sitting in the fridge, with the thought process that your gf might've left some for you.
but i understand her annoyance. she went to bed with the assumption that her breakfast and lunch was covered, waking up to realize that most of it was gone. i've been there, but i feel like this is a relatively minor issue.
i feel like you were both inconsiderate of each other, and a relationship requires not only communication but compassion for each other. you guys should both just apologize... and order/make enough food for the other party and leftovers.
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yta for eating 3/4 of her leftover pizza.
|
INFO
|
NAH
|
NTA
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NAH
|
YTA
|
YTA
|
YTA
|
NAH
|
NAH
|
YTA
| 0.622173
|
Classify the interpersonal conflict and explain your choice. Your choices are limited to you're the a**hole (yta) when the writer is causing the conflict, not the a**hole (nta) when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict, no a**holes here (nah) when no one is causing the conflict, everyone sucks here (esh) when everyone is causing the conflict, more information needed (info) when a classification cannot be made with the context provided. Conflict context: i (27m) recently moved in with my girlfriend (25f.) we've been together for a couple of years now. i work the swing shift as a corrections officer at a jail and i don't get home until a little after 3am. i also have a mix of weekdays and weekends off. she works a more traditional monday through friday 9-5 schedule. the other night when i came home from work it had been a particularly chaotic night. i hadn't had a chance to eat and i was starving. my girlfriend was fast asleep. i had the next day off but she had to work. i figured on making myself a sandwich or maybe some ramen noodles and then going to bed, but when i look in the refrigerator i saw a pizza box. i looked and saw that there were four slices of pizza left. i just figured "well that was sweet of her; she ordered more pizza than she could eat so that i would have something to eat when i got home." so i warmed up three of the slices, watched an episode of "masterchef" on hulu while i ate them, and then went to bed. i woke up a little before noon the next day to a text message from my girlfriend, telling me that i was an "inconsiderate ass" for eating her pizza. she said that she had intended the rest of the pizza to be her breakfast and lunch for the next day. i texted back that i was sorry, but that she should have put a note on the pizza box or texted me to let me know if she didn't want me to eat it. i also said that if she's going to order food she should order enough for both of us; as i would do the same for her. the way i see it; we live together now, so food in the refrigerator is up for grabs. but she's still kind of mad at me, thinking that i was presumptuous in eating "her" pizza. aita?
|
<s>[INST] <<SYS>>
Classify the interpersonal conflict and explain your choice. Your choices are limited to you're the a**hole (yta) when the writer is causing the conflict, not the a**hole (nta) when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict, no a**holes here (nah) when no one is causing the conflict, everyone sucks here (esh) when everyone is causing the conflict, more information needed (info) when a classification cannot be made with the context provided.
<</SYS>>
i (27m) recently moved in with my girlfriend (25f.) we've been together for a couple of years now. i work the swing shift as a corrections officer at a jail and i don't get home until a little after 3am. i also have a mix of weekdays and weekends off. she works a more traditional monday through friday 9-5 schedule. the other night when i came home from work it had been a particularly chaotic night. i hadn't had a chance to eat and i was starving. my girlfriend was fast asleep. i had the next day off but she had to work. i figured on making myself a sandwich or maybe some ramen noodles and then going to bed, but when i look in the refrigerator i saw a pizza box. i looked and saw that there were four slices of pizza left. i just figured "well that was sweet of her; she ordered more pizza than she could eat so that i would have something to eat when i got home." so i warmed up three of the slices, watched an episode of "masterchef" on hulu while i ate them, and then went to bed. i woke up a little before noon the next day to a text message from my girlfriend, telling me that i was an "inconsiderate ass" for eating her pizza. she said that she had intended the rest of the pizza to be her breakfast and lunch for the next day. i texted back that i was sorry, but that she should have put a note on the pizza box or texted me to let me know if she didn't want me to eat it. i also said that if she's going to order food she should order enough for both of us; as i would do the same for her. the way i see it; we live together now, so food in the refrigerator is up for grabs. but she's still kind of mad at me, thinking that i was presumptuous in eating "her" pizza. aita? [/INST] info: how often have you ordered extra food when you were home alone, so she would have leftovers when she got home? is this something you’ve agreed to do as a couple? </s>
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AITA for telling my step daughter to leave the house after she called me a home wrecker?
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my step daughter and i don't have a good relationship. i have been in her life since she was 9. her father and i started dating three months after he filed for divorce. we were colleagues for a short while about an year before their divorce but we didn't have any relationship back then. i left the firm just 6 months after we started working together. i didn't even think about him once till we reconnected at a party hosted by one our colleague.
his ex wife thinks that we had an affair with me. there is nothing we can do to convince her otherwise. she told her daughter about her suspicions when she was around 13. we had a great relationship till then and i tried to tell her that her dad didn't cheat. she doesn't believe us. it is just our words against her mother and the timeline does look a bit suspicious.
she withdraw from me and she has always been distant since then and sometimes she made some remarks about her father being a cheater and it was very hard on both of us. it was something we tried to talk about but it was just our words against her mother's and she truly believed it.
she returned home for summer break after her freshman year. she decided to spend most of the time with her mother but she does visit us a few times. she visited us two days ago. she was in a remarkably bad mood. she was just stewing in silence and watching something on tv. i asked her to turn the volume down as i was working.
she blew up on me. she called me a home wrecker and a gold digger. she accused me of ruining her parents' marriage. i was stunned and shocked and it hurt me. i knew she didn't like me but she clearly hated me. i think her calling me a gold digger hurt the most. i am at a stage of my career where i want to switch to something less stressful but one of the reasons i don't is because we don't want her to be burdened by debt. i love this girl even if she didn't care about me.
i asked her to leave the house and come back when she could was a bit calmer. she left the house and she is not talking to her father. he tried to talk to her and she is not speaking to him. i feel incredibly guilty. i should have handled it better. i got too emotional about it.
i really can't blame her for believing what her mom told her. if my mom told me something similar about dad i would have believed it and i can't blame her mother too. if you believed that your spouse cheated wouldn't you tell your children at some point? i let her words get to me and i may hurt my husband's relationship with his her. i feel guilty as hell. my husband also think that i should have been calmer here and just let her vent a bit before talking to her.
edit : she is in college,
| 6,635
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https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/oexjqy/aita_for_telling_my_step_daughter_to_leave_the/
|
2021-07-06 15:44:25
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nah, except for her mom.
that poor girl has been poisoned by her mother, but can you blame her? it's her mom telling her that stuff. you can't expect someone, who was thirteen at the time of being told, to be a detective to find out if it was the truth. i bet her heart was broken because she loves her dad.
but, i also don't expect you to put up with it. you are innocent, even if the timeline is suspicious. you shouldn't have to put up with verbal abuse from anybody. maybe you could have handled it better, but you could've handled it a lot worse, too.
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nta - she was incredibly rude to you in your own home and she's an adult, not a hormonal teen any more. your husband should be firm with her but he's probably afraid of losing her altogether.
invite her back now that everyone is calm and show a united front. tell her the facts of your relationship, that you pay your way, and that you love her. also tell her that her rudeness won't be tolerated in your house. she might be unhappy but she can't sit on your settee watching your tv and expect to treat you like dirt.
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this young woman is a victim of her mother’s lies about you. the bio mom is the main ah here.
those lies do not excuse stepdaughter’s behavior toward you in your home. yes, you could have handled it better but we are human beings. we are imperfect.
tell her you are sorry for telling her to leave but that you were upset because you did not have an affair with your husband while he was still with the bio mom.
you are nta. forgive yourself too
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nta
no need to put up with that shit in your own home.
step daughter is the ah. if that's what she thinks, and is butthurt over it at this late date, she can just stay away, not come into the house and act like ah.
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i need some clarification, is she a freshman in college or high school? and when you asked her to leave, did you mean take a walk and cool off, or to just get out?
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nta- not at all. she is a grown adult and if she doesnt want to see the truth for what it is, regardless of what shes been told by the mother, then that is on her. you do not have to prove what or how you and your husband make money or spend money and if your husband was the only one working it still would be none of her business. she disrespected you in your house and your reaction was very appropriate. please do not feel guilty, you are not guilty of what her mother is saying and you do not have to stew on it or carry the burden of it. you have done all you can do and buying his daughter with money or supporting her financially wont solve this. when she is calmer and ready to talk you can lay it out for her, but you cant make her believe you. this is on her to reconcile at this point. you are being more than generous by seeing all sides of it.
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info: you said you were emotional, but how did you present your response to your stepdaughter? did you scream back at her and tell her to leave, or did you ask her calmly to go and come back when she herself was more calm?
there’s a complex dynamic at play here, but let’s break it down: you have the right to be treated with a reasonable amount of respect in your own home. your stepdaughter is part of that home, and at an age where she should have somewhat of a handle on her outbursts - maybe not perfect emotional regulation, but she should understand the concept of walking away, calming down, and coming back. your stepdaughter has a very warped view of your marriage, and a larger conversation about that needs to happen. yes, you should be understanding of her struggles but being too apologetic about how she feels is, in the end, going to do nothing more than reinforce her suspicion that you and her father have something to be guilty about.
take this with however many grains of salt you wish to sprinkle on it, but if it were me i would reach out to her and extend the invitation to have a conversation about what’s under the surface. express that you want her in your home, and you want to work through the issues that exploded the other day. offer to do it with a counselor if she prefers. just continue to make her aware that you want her to be part of your life.
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esh. might be an unpopular opinion. you began dating him 3 months after he only filed for divorce after having worked together previously. i'm not saying your lying about how your relationship started but you even admit it looks highly suspicious. not sure what the cause of the divorce was since you don't state but for a child it's hard for them to understand. the ex wife understandably thinks he may have been cheating but she should never have put that on her 13 year old daughter, that was an ah move. it's been quite some years and you and your husband haven't been able to show her that the relationship started innocently. have you guys tried some sort of counseling or therapy for her? her deep resentment of you years later has been brought on by her mother without a doubt but you did walk into this. sometimes these things happen with divorces and children. could you have handled the part about telling her to leave better, yes, but that ones a tough call. all in all, you husband should not have been dating so quickly before he was divorced. this type of problem can occur and ruin relationships in the long run. just a sad situation in general.
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info: you forgot to mention ages here, how old is everyone involved?
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she’s an adult acting like a child and her mum is worse
nta
|
NAH
|
NTA
|
NTA
|
NTA
| null |
NTA
|
INFO
|
ESH
|
INFO
|
NTA
| 0.108636
|
Classify the interpersonal conflict and explain your choice. Your choices are limited to you're the a**hole (yta) when the writer is causing the conflict, not the a**hole (nta) when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict, no a**holes here (nah) when no one is causing the conflict, everyone sucks here (esh) when everyone is causing the conflict, more information needed (info) when a classification cannot be made with the context provided. Conflict context: my step daughter and i don't have a good relationship. i have been in her life since she was 9. her father and i started dating three months after he filed for divorce. we were colleagues for a short while about an year before their divorce but we didn't have any relationship back then. i left the firm just 6 months after we started working together. i didn't even think about him once till we reconnected at a party hosted by one our colleague. his ex wife thinks that we had an affair with me. there is nothing we can do to convince her otherwise. she told her daughter about her suspicions when she was around 13. we had a great relationship till then and i tried to tell her that her dad didn't cheat. she doesn't believe us. it is just our words against her mother and the timeline does look a bit suspicious. she withdraw from me and she has always been distant since then and sometimes she made some remarks about her father being a cheater and it was very hard on both of us. it was something we tried to talk about but it was just our words against her mother's and she truly believed it. she returned home for summer break after her freshman year. she decided to spend most of the time with her mother but she does visit us a few times. she visited us two days ago. she was in a remarkably bad mood. she was just stewing in silence and watching something on tv. i asked her to turn the volume down as i was working. she blew up on me. she called me a home wrecker and a gold digger. she accused me of ruining her parents' marriage. i was stunned and shocked and it hurt me. i knew she didn't like me but she clearly hated me. i think her calling me a gold digger hurt the most. i am at a stage of my career where i want to switch to something less stressful but one of the reasons i don't is because we don't want her to be burdened by debt. i love this girl even if she didn't care about me. i asked her to leave the house and come back when she could was a bit calmer. she left the house and she is not talking to her father. he tried to talk to her and she is not speaking to him. i feel incredibly guilty. i should have handled it better. i got too emotional about it. i really can't blame her for believing what her mom told her. if my mom told me something similar about dad i would have believed it and i can't blame her mother too. if you believed that your spouse cheated wouldn't you tell your children at some point? i let her words get to me and i may hurt my husband's relationship with his her. i feel guilty as hell. my husband also think that i should have been calmer here and just let her vent a bit before talking to her. edit : she is in college,
|
<s>[INST] <<SYS>>
Classify the interpersonal conflict and explain your choice. Your choices are limited to you're the a**hole (yta) when the writer is causing the conflict, not the a**hole (nta) when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict, no a**holes here (nah) when no one is causing the conflict, everyone sucks here (esh) when everyone is causing the conflict, more information needed (info) when a classification cannot be made with the context provided.
<</SYS>>
my step daughter and i don't have a good relationship. i have been in her life since she was 9. her father and i started dating three months after he filed for divorce. we were colleagues for a short while about an year before their divorce but we didn't have any relationship back then. i left the firm just 6 months after we started working together. i didn't even think about him once till we reconnected at a party hosted by one our colleague. his ex wife thinks that we had an affair with me. there is nothing we can do to convince her otherwise. she told her daughter about her suspicions when she was around 13. we had a great relationship till then and i tried to tell her that her dad didn't cheat. she doesn't believe us. it is just our words against her mother and the timeline does look a bit suspicious. she withdraw from me and she has always been distant since then and sometimes she made some remarks about her father being a cheater and it was very hard on both of us. it was something we tried to talk about but it was just our words against her mother's and she truly believed it. she returned home for summer break after her freshman year. she decided to spend most of the time with her mother but she does visit us a few times. she visited us two days ago. she was in a remarkably bad mood. she was just stewing in silence and watching something on tv. i asked her to turn the volume down as i was working. she blew up on me. she called me a home wrecker and a gold digger. she accused me of ruining her parents' marriage. i was stunned and shocked and it hurt me. i knew she didn't like me but she clearly hated me. i think her calling me a gold digger hurt the most. i am at a stage of my career where i want to switch to something less stressful but one of the reasons i don't is because we don't want her to be burdened by debt. i love this girl even if she didn't care about me. i asked her to leave the house and come back when she could was a bit calmer. she left the house and she is not talking to her father. he tried to talk to her and she is not speaking to him. i feel incredibly guilty. i should have handled it better. i got too emotional about it. i really can't blame her for believing what her mom told her. if my mom told me something similar about dad i would have believed it and i can't blame her mother too. if you believed that your spouse cheated wouldn't you tell your children at some point? i let her words get to me and i may hurt my husband's relationship with his her. i feel guilty as hell. my husband also think that i should have been calmer here and just let her vent a bit before talking to her. edit : she is in college, [/INST] nah, except for her mom. that poor girl has been poisoned by her mother, but can you blame her? it's her mom telling her that stuff. you can't expect someone, who was thirteen at the time of being told, to be a detective to find out if it was the truth. i bet her heart was broken because she loves her dad. but, i also don't expect you to put up with it. you are innocent, even if the timeline is suspicious. you shouldn't have to put up with verbal abuse from anybody. maybe you could have handled it better, but you could've handled it a lot worse, too. </s>
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AITA for telling my wife how to throw away her pads?
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my (34m) wife (34f) and i have designated chores around the house. one of mine is all things related to garbage. i empty the bins from the house, breakdown and bundle cardboard, take the large canisters to the curb on garbage day, etc.
the night before garbage day, i grab a new large garbage bag and go from room to room dumping the garbage cans into the large bag (usually preserving the liner bag in the garbage cans for reuse). when i get to our master bathroom, it is a regular occurrence that my wife's pads (both full pads and pantyliners worn when not on her period), are open, sticking to the can liner bag, and holding other garbage inside the can. i don't exactly relish the thought of peeling off week-old bloody pads from the liner so i end up throwing away the otherwise reusable bag. i asked her if she wouldn't mind wrapping her pads in a toilet paper so that they wouldn't stick to the sides and other garbage.
she went nuts. she was raising her voice saying it was so stupid to ask, that i should just throw away the whole bag and get a new one, and saying it was an unreasonable request. i didn't think it was unreasonable because the toilet paper is 2 steps away from the garbage, and reducing and reusing plastic bags is a good thing. i thought her unwillingness to make such a small change was so bizarrely stubborn that i told her to either wrap them or take over emptying the bathroom garbages herself. she chose to do those garbages and scoffed at me for "making me do your work"!
so, aita for telling her to wrap her pads?
| 4,014
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https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/tbivdr/aita_for_telling_my_wife_how_to_throw_away_her/
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2022-03-11 05:29:42
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nah but dude, just use a new bag. if the bag has had bloody pads in it, it's not really reusable.
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yta, but just because i think your proposal sounds very unhygienic. you shouldn't reuse the garbage bag, it is a breeding ground for bacteria. if you are so concerned about the environment look into recyclable bags or even paperbags .
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yta. “don’t want to waste a trash can liner but perfectly cool with wasting toilet paper.” its actually more wasteful to waste tp than a garbage can liner. something that actually has a daily/hourly use, you know to wipe your butt, vs something that is only meant to hold garbage and go into the dumpster.
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i (f) always wrap my pads with tp because it's gross to just leave them out. however, you're reusing 1 large garbage bag just so you don't have to change the can liners, and then you claim its better for the environment???? . and it's also gross that you don't put in a fresh can liner everytime you empty out the trash.
that being said, you're both ta. she shouldn't leave her gross pads open in the trash can and you should always be switching out the bathroom can liner
esh
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esh you're both kind of nasty. wrap up pads, and use a fresh bag in your trash can.
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yta. you are collecting from a lined can. replace the liner. there is zero reason for you to be requesting this when there is no reason.
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yta. "...i end up throwing away an otherwise reusable bag." it's a garbage bag, it's purposed is to have garbage thrown in it. by your logic you should empty all the garbage bags/bin liners into a receptacle to save them for reuse. ridiculous.
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info: if i understand correctly, you have a garbage bin that has a liner, and you want to reuse the liner bag, which is like a plastic shopping bag?
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esh all these yta answers are nasty. i'm a woman and was always wrap my liners/pads. your wife is nasty. you are nasty for wanting to reuse the garbage liner.
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esh.
wrap your pads. replace your trash can liners. stop being gross, both of you.
you said below that by dumping your trash into one big bag you save "6-7 trash bags per week". if you're that concerned about the environment, i have to ask how two people are filling that many trash cans every single week? maybe stop using so many one-use items because it sounds like the actual volume of your trash greatly outweighs a couple of plastic liner bags.
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NAH
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YTA
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YTA
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ESH
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ESH
|
YTA
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YTA
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INFO
|
ESH
|
ESH
| 0.095519
|
Classify the interpersonal conflict and explain your choice. Your choices are limited to you're the a**hole (yta) when the writer is causing the conflict, not the a**hole (nta) when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict, no a**holes here (nah) when no one is causing the conflict, everyone sucks here (esh) when everyone is causing the conflict, more information needed (info) when a classification cannot be made with the context provided. Conflict context: my (34m) wife (34f) and i have designated chores around the house. one of mine is all things related to garbage. i empty the bins from the house, breakdown and bundle cardboard, take the large canisters to the curb on garbage day, etc. the night before garbage day, i grab a new large garbage bag and go from room to room dumping the garbage cans into the large bag (usually preserving the liner bag in the garbage cans for reuse). when i get to our master bathroom, it is a regular occurrence that my wife's pads (both full pads and pantyliners worn when not on her period), are open, sticking to the can liner bag, and holding other garbage inside the can. i don't exactly relish the thought of peeling off week-old bloody pads from the liner so i end up throwing away the otherwise reusable bag. i asked her if she wouldn't mind wrapping her pads in a toilet paper so that they wouldn't stick to the sides and other garbage. she went nuts. she was raising her voice saying it was so stupid to ask, that i should just throw away the whole bag and get a new one, and saying it was an unreasonable request. i didn't think it was unreasonable because the toilet paper is 2 steps away from the garbage, and reducing and reusing plastic bags is a good thing. i thought her unwillingness to make such a small change was so bizarrely stubborn that i told her to either wrap them or take over emptying the bathroom garbages herself. she chose to do those garbages and scoffed at me for "making me do your work"! so, aita for telling her to wrap her pads?
|
<s>[INST] <<SYS>>
Classify the interpersonal conflict and explain your choice. Your choices are limited to you're the a**hole (yta) when the writer is causing the conflict, not the a**hole (nta) when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict, no a**holes here (nah) when no one is causing the conflict, everyone sucks here (esh) when everyone is causing the conflict, more information needed (info) when a classification cannot be made with the context provided.
<</SYS>>
my (34m) wife (34f) and i have designated chores around the house. one of mine is all things related to garbage. i empty the bins from the house, breakdown and bundle cardboard, take the large canisters to the curb on garbage day, etc. the night before garbage day, i grab a new large garbage bag and go from room to room dumping the garbage cans into the large bag (usually preserving the liner bag in the garbage cans for reuse). when i get to our master bathroom, it is a regular occurrence that my wife's pads (both full pads and pantyliners worn when not on her period), are open, sticking to the can liner bag, and holding other garbage inside the can. i don't exactly relish the thought of peeling off week-old bloody pads from the liner so i end up throwing away the otherwise reusable bag. i asked her if she wouldn't mind wrapping her pads in a toilet paper so that they wouldn't stick to the sides and other garbage. she went nuts. she was raising her voice saying it was so stupid to ask, that i should just throw away the whole bag and get a new one, and saying it was an unreasonable request. i didn't think it was unreasonable because the toilet paper is 2 steps away from the garbage, and reducing and reusing plastic bags is a good thing. i thought her unwillingness to make such a small change was so bizarrely stubborn that i told her to either wrap them or take over emptying the bathroom garbages herself. she chose to do those garbages and scoffed at me for "making me do your work"! so, aita for telling her to wrap her pads? [/INST] nah but dude, just use a new bag. if the bag has had bloody pads in it, it's not really reusable. </s>
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AITA for showing up at my cousin's wedding in a hoodie and jean shorts?
|
last fall, my husband and i went to my cousin's wedding in another state.
in the months leading up to the wedding, my aunt (cousin's mother) griped about how unconventional the wedding was going to be. she was happy for the couple of course but she didn't like that the wedding wasn't going to be in a church or banquet hall. the wedding was going to be a small and intimate affair in a scenic national park and then the reception was going to be in a nice rental house in the woods. i thought it sounded cool and unique but my aunt hated the idea of it. she didn't tell the couple tho. just complained about it to us behind their backs.
we traveled 600 miles to the wedding. we treated the trip like a vacation. spent some money on lodging, food, sightseeing, etcetera.
the day before the wedding, my aunt rounded up me and my family members and told us that she just found out that the dress code for the wedding was casual. not gonna lie, many of us were stoked. i hate dressing up so i was all over the idea of a casual backyard bbq wedding.
my husband and i had already packed nice clothes so we wore them to the ceremony. a few of my family members showed up to the ceremony in t-shirts and baseball caps. immediately after, we changed into comfortable clothes for the reception. i wore a hoodie, daisy duke shorts and cute sandals.
i noticed that the bride's family members were still dressed up but i figured they didn't get the memo. the bride and groom and the wedding party were dressed to the nine's which i thought was weird for a casual wedding. the reception was awesome. nice dinner, fancy lawn games, a bonfire. we had a blast.
so we just found out that the bride and groom were very upset with us for wearing casual clothes to their wedding. they thought it was very disrespectful. apparently my aunt lied to us because she wanted to sabotage their wedding and they were upset that no one checked with them about the dress code. this explains why my cousin and his wife have been standoffish toward us since the wedding.
tbh we think they're overreacting because we all had fun at their wedding and it's not our fault we got bad info about the dress code. and they never specified the dress code in the invitation. but i still have to ask. aita?
| 18,215
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https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/c45x4l/aita_for_showing_up_at_my_cousins_wedding_in_a/
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2019-06-23 14:57:55
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yta. daisy dukes and a hoodie are not “casual”in terms of wedding attire. casual would have been nice slacks and a pretty top or jacket. your attire was more like saturday night at the stock car races. i would have been upset with you too and the family members in tee shirts and ball caps were similarly underdressed.
|
esh. your aunt is a horrible person. and i am pretty surprised that you fell for the lie. if someone other than the bride and groom told me the dress code was casual, as in daisy-dukes-and-a-hoodie casual, i'd be checking with the bride and groom. and if an unusual dress code wasn't specified in the invitation, i would assume i was meant to dress up, as is the norm for weddings.
your cousin and his wife are not overreacting - it would have been viewed as very disrespectful to show up dressed as you did. they didn't know why you were all wearing casual clothes, and even if they now know your aunt was trying to sabotage their wedding, that's still going to cast a shadow over their memories of the day.
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esh, especially your aunt. but you do too, because of this:
>tbh we think they're overreacting
did you apologize? you didn't mean to offend them, and wouldn't have done so if you hadn't been lied to, but you should still apologize. of course they are upset. someone was actively sabotaging their wedding, and you were an (unwitting) participant!
the fact that they didn't include a dress code in the invitation actually doesn't work in your favor here, because if the bride wanted it to be casual she would have made a note of it.
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yta. casual attire to a wedding isn't a hoodie and trashy shorts.
"we think they're overreacting because we all had fun at their wedding and it's not our fault we got bad info about the dress code"
and wow instead of apologizing you blame the bride and groom. how old are you?
|
[removed]
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yta
for going to the wedding of someone you are unwilling to speak to, and allowing your cowardice and laziness to fan the flames of family drama.
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[removed]
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yta holyyyyy moly especially after reading your comments. i’m curious as to how old you are and why your aunt has this much control over your own actions. she’s an ahole too, obviously, but it seems like you absolutely refuse to take responsibility for your own ahole actions. when she told you the dress code was casual did she elaborate and say redneck tailgating casual or did she leave it at “casual”. you said you don’t want to apologize because you aren’t close to your cousin, and seem to want to put all the blame on your aunt. but you went to his wedding, which is a serious & personal event, and you had fun. you upset them on one of the biggest days of their lives, and you embarrassed yourself. you owe them an apology. i guess don’t apologize if you can’t own up to your mistakes, but if you give a nice apology, “hey i’m really sorry about the dress code confusion. i hope i didn’t spoil your big day. your wedding was awesome and we had a lot of fun”.. you can probably save being known as the girl who wore daisy dukes to a wedding (lol)
|
massive yta for the aunt, minor yta for you and nta for the cousin whose special day was messed up.
i'm a little baffled over it though. your aunt was bitching about it for ages, you didn't actually check what was an unusual dress code - enough that you'd expect it to be highlighted on the invite if it was - and the other guests hadn't changed, including the bride and groom. it's not your fault that you got bad info but c'mon, the only person who mentions it is the one who's been moaning? didn't one person say 'isn't that a bit odd?' the only weddings i've ever had with dress codes mentioned is where they either have something really, really specific or something different to the usual 'smart attire'.
|
YTA
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ESH
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ESH
|
YTA
| null |
YTA
| null | null |
YTA
|
YTA
| 0.00461
|
Classify the interpersonal conflict and explain your choice. Your choices are limited to you're the a**hole (yta) when the writer is causing the conflict, not the a**hole (nta) when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict, no a**holes here (nah) when no one is causing the conflict, everyone sucks here (esh) when everyone is causing the conflict, more information needed (info) when a classification cannot be made with the context provided. Conflict context: last fall, my husband and i went to my cousin's wedding in another state. in the months leading up to the wedding, my aunt (cousin's mother) griped about how unconventional the wedding was going to be. she was happy for the couple of course but she didn't like that the wedding wasn't going to be in a church or banquet hall. the wedding was going to be a small and intimate affair in a scenic national park and then the reception was going to be in a nice rental house in the woods. i thought it sounded cool and unique but my aunt hated the idea of it. she didn't tell the couple tho. just complained about it to us behind their backs. we traveled 600 miles to the wedding. we treated the trip like a vacation. spent some money on lodging, food, sightseeing, etcetera. the day before the wedding, my aunt rounded up me and my family members and told us that she just found out that the dress code for the wedding was casual. not gonna lie, many of us were stoked. i hate dressing up so i was all over the idea of a casual backyard bbq wedding. my husband and i had already packed nice clothes so we wore them to the ceremony. a few of my family members showed up to the ceremony in t-shirts and baseball caps. immediately after, we changed into comfortable clothes for the reception. i wore a hoodie, daisy duke shorts and cute sandals. i noticed that the bride's family members were still dressed up but i figured they didn't get the memo. the bride and groom and the wedding party were dressed to the nine's which i thought was weird for a casual wedding. the reception was awesome. nice dinner, fancy lawn games, a bonfire. we had a blast. so we just found out that the bride and groom were very upset with us for wearing casual clothes to their wedding. they thought it was very disrespectful. apparently my aunt lied to us because she wanted to sabotage their wedding and they were upset that no one checked with them about the dress code. this explains why my cousin and his wife have been standoffish toward us since the wedding. tbh we think they're overreacting because we all had fun at their wedding and it's not our fault we got bad info about the dress code. and they never specified the dress code in the invitation. but i still have to ask. aita?
|
<s>[INST] <<SYS>>
Classify the interpersonal conflict and explain your choice. Your choices are limited to you're the a**hole (yta) when the writer is causing the conflict, not the a**hole (nta) when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict, no a**holes here (nah) when no one is causing the conflict, everyone sucks here (esh) when everyone is causing the conflict, more information needed (info) when a classification cannot be made with the context provided.
<</SYS>>
last fall, my husband and i went to my cousin's wedding in another state. in the months leading up to the wedding, my aunt (cousin's mother) griped about how unconventional the wedding was going to be. she was happy for the couple of course but she didn't like that the wedding wasn't going to be in a church or banquet hall. the wedding was going to be a small and intimate affair in a scenic national park and then the reception was going to be in a nice rental house in the woods. i thought it sounded cool and unique but my aunt hated the idea of it. she didn't tell the couple tho. just complained about it to us behind their backs. we traveled 600 miles to the wedding. we treated the trip like a vacation. spent some money on lodging, food, sightseeing, etcetera. the day before the wedding, my aunt rounded up me and my family members and told us that she just found out that the dress code for the wedding was casual. not gonna lie, many of us were stoked. i hate dressing up so i was all over the idea of a casual backyard bbq wedding. my husband and i had already packed nice clothes so we wore them to the ceremony. a few of my family members showed up to the ceremony in t-shirts and baseball caps. immediately after, we changed into comfortable clothes for the reception. i wore a hoodie, daisy duke shorts and cute sandals. i noticed that the bride's family members were still dressed up but i figured they didn't get the memo. the bride and groom and the wedding party were dressed to the nine's which i thought was weird for a casual wedding. the reception was awesome. nice dinner, fancy lawn games, a bonfire. we had a blast. so we just found out that the bride and groom were very upset with us for wearing casual clothes to their wedding. they thought it was very disrespectful. apparently my aunt lied to us because she wanted to sabotage their wedding and they were upset that no one checked with them about the dress code. this explains why my cousin and his wife have been standoffish toward us since the wedding. tbh we think they're overreacting because we all had fun at their wedding and it's not our fault we got bad info about the dress code. and they never specified the dress code in the invitation. but i still have to ask. aita? [/INST] yta. daisy dukes and a hoodie are not “casual”in terms of wedding attire. casual would have been nice slacks and a pretty top or jacket. your attire was more like saturday night at the stock car races. i would have been upset with you too and the family members in tee shirts and ball caps were similarly underdressed. </s>
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AITA for going out and getting the same job as my husband to show him that it's not that hard? WIBTA if I fail?
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all my husband has done for the last 6 months is bitch about how hard his job is. i get it, it's physically demanding and a lot of walking, but it's only 3 days a week.
a few days ago i asked him to go for a walk with me and he said he was too tired. he's too tired to do anything. i cook, clean, then go out and do uber almost every day because his job is "so hard" he can't be bothered to do anything.
it caused a huge blowout, so i took a trip down to the job recruitment center and they signed me right up for his exact same job. \*it's a windmill factory. you go out and pick parts, load them on a cart, and take them inside. these parts can weigh anywhere from a few grams to 50lbs.
i came back home and told him the great news, that we were both making tons of money now, and he was pissed.
all he's done for the last few days is tell me "you're going to fail", "it's going to be too hard for you", "you're wasting your time", "you're going to end up hurting your back again", etc.
he also told me i'm not supposed to tell anyone we're married because "when you get fired/quit i don't want that reflecting on me".
i have a whole drawer full of back braces, compression socks, and muscle relaxers, i'll be fine.
\*we both previously worked at amazon (he was fired, i hurt my back being stupid and had to quit) and he also bitched constantly about that. he swears "this job is 10x" harder, but i legit didn't think amazon was hard at all. i just was dumb about picking stuff up.
aita? should i have just stayed in my place, cooking, cleaning, and doing side work?
wibta if i fail?
| 7,735
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https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/hqhn8e/aita_for_going_out_and_getting_the_same_job_as_my/
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2020-07-13 15:47:48
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esh.
your husband sounds like he's really good at making excuses, but at the end of the day he can't use "his job is hard" as an excuse to shirk his responsibilities at home.
you literally went out and got a job to spite him. i get that it's frustrating, but at the end of the day, what do you really think you're going to prove constructively by doing this?
you guys need to work on communication and actually supporting each other instead of trying to prove the other wrong.
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esh y’all have a toxic marriage dynamic. you sound like rivals not partners. you dismiss him, he dismisses you. you literally got a job just to prove he’s whiny. what a spiteful motivation. he sounds miserable but so do you!
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i already want an update.
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nta in my opinion, i find this fucking hilarious 😂 he deserves to be shown up if it truly is like you say it is and you’re busting your ass trying to pick up the slack!
maybe suggest he stays home to tidy/cook and do everything else, instead?? 😂😂😂
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esh i know complaints can be tiring to hear but have you even talked to him and had a conversation about why he is so frustrated with his job? people are different just like you hurt your back at the old job and he didn’t. this job might be easier for you but might be harder for him and just because you think you can do that job doesn’t mean that his complaints don’t mean anything.
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sounds like a textbook case of esh -
he sucks because it sounds like he doesn't contribute to your household outside of this strangely unnamed job. like seriously, are we talking construction? ditch digging? what?
you suck because your goal is to literally go out and get the exact same job for the sole reason of throwing it back in your husband's face.
no one should ask or is asking you to "stick to the cooking and cleaning", but instead of handling this like an adult and getting a job that you might enjoy and bring enough money into the house that he could find a different job that would eliminate the bitching, you chose an extremely juvenile approach.
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esh.
>should i have just stayed in my place, cooking, cleaning, and doing side work?
that's not the question, and you know it. you can get any job you like, but you got this job to win a fight with your husband. if he's finding it physically demanding, then he's finding it physically demanding. you need to talk - together - about whether he needs to pursue employment elsewhere that's more manageable and less stressful, and you need to stop crowing about your "drawer full of back braces, compression socks, and muscle relaxers" and making him feel small for struggling.
|
ahahahaha
this story is funny
i almost want to know the result
i bet the husbands is angry
both of you are assholes here
|
esh. he’s clearly an ah, why are you with someone who does nothing around the house and tells you things like ‘you’re going to fail’ and ‘you’re wasting your time’? i think you suck too though since you’re only getting this job to spite him and it does sound like you’re willing to injure yourself to do it. if you need back braces, compression socks and muscle relaxers to do this you shouldn’t be doing it. do you really want to seriously injure your back and then have to rely on the guy who won’t help around the house to help around the house and take care of you? you’re relationship sounds toxic, you guys need counseling.
|
>i have a whole drawer full of back braces, compression socks, and muscle relaxers, i'll be fine.
>*we both previously worked at amazon (he was fired, **i hurt my back being stupid and had to quit)
you take a job lifting heavy objects that you can seriously injure yourself at (especially because you've already injured your back) to spite your husband?
i'm not going to say anyone's an asshole, but i will point out that it's crazy to get employed and work a certain job to prove your husband wrong. did you even consider the outcomes?
outcome 1: you are right.
congratulations! you just proved that your husband can't handle the same amount of physical labor as you. while you get the glory of being right, your husband probably still won't be anymore active outside of work than he already is and you did 10 damage to his self esteem bar. surely that won't have any long term repercussions.
outcome 2: you are wrong.
ouch. your feet hurt. your back hurt. this job fucking sucks. husband was right. now you have to admit you were wrong or keep up the charade until your body breaks again. at least the money is good. hopefully that will distract you from the shooting pain you just felt for the first time in your knee.
welcome to the end of your lose-lose scenario, op.
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ESH
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ESH
| null |
NTA
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ESH
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ESH
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ESH
| null |
ESH
| null | 0.267801
|
Classify the interpersonal conflict and explain your choice. Your choices are limited to you're the a**hole (yta) when the writer is causing the conflict, not the a**hole (nta) when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict, no a**holes here (nah) when no one is causing the conflict, everyone sucks here (esh) when everyone is causing the conflict, more information needed (info) when a classification cannot be made with the context provided. Conflict context: all my husband has done for the last 6 months is bitch about how hard his job is. i get it, it's physically demanding and a lot of walking, but it's only 3 days a week. a few days ago i asked him to go for a walk with me and he said he was too tired. he's too tired to do anything. i cook, clean, then go out and do uber almost every day because his job is "so hard" he can't be bothered to do anything. it caused a huge blowout, so i took a trip down to the job recruitment center and they signed me right up for his exact same job. \*it's a windmill factory. you go out and pick parts, load them on a cart, and take them inside. these parts can weigh anywhere from a few grams to 50lbs. i came back home and told him the great news, that we were both making tons of money now, and he was pissed. all he's done for the last few days is tell me "you're going to fail", "it's going to be too hard for you", "you're wasting your time", "you're going to end up hurting your back again", etc. he also told me i'm not supposed to tell anyone we're married because "when you get fired/quit i don't want that reflecting on me". i have a whole drawer full of back braces, compression socks, and muscle relaxers, i'll be fine. \*we both previously worked at amazon (he was fired, i hurt my back being stupid and had to quit) and he also bitched constantly about that. he swears "this job is 10x" harder, but i legit didn't think amazon was hard at all. i just was dumb about picking stuff up. aita? should i have just stayed in my place, cooking, cleaning, and doing side work? wibta if i fail?
|
<s>[INST] <<SYS>>
Classify the interpersonal conflict and explain your choice. Your choices are limited to you're the a**hole (yta) when the writer is causing the conflict, not the a**hole (nta) when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict, no a**holes here (nah) when no one is causing the conflict, everyone sucks here (esh) when everyone is causing the conflict, more information needed (info) when a classification cannot be made with the context provided.
<</SYS>>
all my husband has done for the last 6 months is bitch about how hard his job is. i get it, it's physically demanding and a lot of walking, but it's only 3 days a week. a few days ago i asked him to go for a walk with me and he said he was too tired. he's too tired to do anything. i cook, clean, then go out and do uber almost every day because his job is "so hard" he can't be bothered to do anything. it caused a huge blowout, so i took a trip down to the job recruitment center and they signed me right up for his exact same job. \*it's a windmill factory. you go out and pick parts, load them on a cart, and take them inside. these parts can weigh anywhere from a few grams to 50lbs. i came back home and told him the great news, that we were both making tons of money now, and he was pissed. all he's done for the last few days is tell me "you're going to fail", "it's going to be too hard for you", "you're wasting your time", "you're going to end up hurting your back again", etc. he also told me i'm not supposed to tell anyone we're married because "when you get fired/quit i don't want that reflecting on me". i have a whole drawer full of back braces, compression socks, and muscle relaxers, i'll be fine. \*we both previously worked at amazon (he was fired, i hurt my back being stupid and had to quit) and he also bitched constantly about that. he swears "this job is 10x" harder, but i legit didn't think amazon was hard at all. i just was dumb about picking stuff up. aita? should i have just stayed in my place, cooking, cleaning, and doing side work? wibta if i fail? [/INST] esh. your husband sounds like he's really good at making excuses, but at the end of the day he can't use "his job is hard" as an excuse to shirk his responsibilities at home. you literally went out and got a job to spite him. i get that it's frustrating, but at the end of the day, what do you really think you're going to prove constructively by doing this? you guys need to work on communication and actually supporting each other instead of trying to prove the other wrong. </s>
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AITA for telling my son he deserved his gf breaking up with him?
|
so my son had a long-distance gf recently for about two years. she was great, a really nice girl and we all loved her welcomed her with open arms. she was flying here constantly to visit him, like a weekend a month and he didn’t lift a finger to go visit her.
i tried talking to him about it several times and told him he should really start looking into flying over to her instead of expecting her to do all the travelling. he said no. and my wife probably had something to do with it as she constantly told him she was afraid of him flying. i spoke to them both and said this girl is great for him, she was willing to move over to our country too, but said there was one condition and that was he’d have to fly over to her country too. which is fair enough.
he said no, he didn’t want to fly or travel anywhere. my son was becoming lazier and lazier, eventually telling his gf and us that he was perfectly fine never travelling anywhere including holidays etc.
last week, he told us she’s dumped him. i went on her fb page as we’re all still friends (she wrote us an apology letter about how she’s upset it didn’t work out but these things happen, so we’re on good terms) and looks like she’s with a new guy already. me and my wife have no doubt she was seeing him whilst still in a relationship with my son.
i confessed to them both that i actually agree with her decision and he should have expected it. he did not treat her properly and i hope he learns lessons for the next one because he needs to make more of an effort. i said he deserves it for his lack of effort in the relationship and for essentially just allowing this girl to spend all her money and time coming here all the time.
wife and son are very upset that i said this. very very upset and my wife says i am being horrible.
aita? i stand by what i said.
| 47,767
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https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/daglhs/aita_for_telling_my_son_he_deserved_his_gf/
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2019-09-28 14:21:44
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nta. that's the truth.
what age is he?
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nta it’s a truth he needs to hear. i’m more concerned about the reaction of your wife. does she enable your son’s laziness?
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nta. he's been too lazy with the relationship anyway. the girl deserves someone better and your son needs to know that it takes effort to make a relationship work.
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nta - as lizzo says “truth hurts” lol
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nta. your son needs to learn that relationships are about give and take; he can't do all the taking, and if you needed to be the one pointing it out then so be it.
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[removed]
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nta but a sticky situation. your son was in the wrong and he needed to here it but because he is your son i can see why your wife would be mad at you for saying that.
if you said it bluntly it could sound cold and mean but if you had a nice talk with your son and communicate better it would work for telling him when he is being stupid. you could start off in a supporting manner saying stuff like "there are other fish in the sea" yadda yadda ect... and then tell him that he could have been a better boyfriend.
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info: this seems incredibly odd. your son wasn't even willing to fly to see her even when she said she'd only move if he visited her.
are you sure there's not some other reason he doesn't want to fly? it might just be me but it seems quite strange for someone to turn down a holiday and seeing their girlfriend of two years "just because".
|
esh. like, everybody.
your son for lack of effort.
your wife for enabling him.
the girlfriend, assuming your assumption she was cheating is correct.
and you for piling on. your son already knew how you felt since you already told him. he messed up. he is hurting. now is not the time for "i told you so."
|
yta
this sub, sometimes... to quote the big lebowski, "you aren't wrong, walter. you're just an asshole". yes, he was lazy. yes, she should have broken up with him. that said, no one wants their father, someone who should be their most ardent supporter, shaming them in their moment of vulnerability.
save it for when you're both reminiscing/reflecting. give him time to reach that conclusion on his own and support him through his growth. don't shove it down his throat so you can feel good because you're right.
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
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NTA
| null |
NTA
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INFO
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ESH
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YTA
| 0.186339
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Classify the interpersonal conflict and explain your choice. Your choices are limited to you're the a**hole (yta) when the writer is causing the conflict, not the a**hole (nta) when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict, no a**holes here (nah) when no one is causing the conflict, everyone sucks here (esh) when everyone is causing the conflict, more information needed (info) when a classification cannot be made with the context provided. Conflict context: so my son had a long-distance gf recently for about two years. she was great, a really nice girl and we all loved her welcomed her with open arms. she was flying here constantly to visit him, like a weekend a month and he didn’t lift a finger to go visit her. i tried talking to him about it several times and told him he should really start looking into flying over to her instead of expecting her to do all the travelling. he said no. and my wife probably had something to do with it as she constantly told him she was afraid of him flying. i spoke to them both and said this girl is great for him, she was willing to move over to our country too, but said there was one condition and that was he’d have to fly over to her country too. which is fair enough. he said no, he didn’t want to fly or travel anywhere. my son was becoming lazier and lazier, eventually telling his gf and us that he was perfectly fine never travelling anywhere including holidays etc. last week, he told us she’s dumped him. i went on her fb page as we’re all still friends (she wrote us an apology letter about how she’s upset it didn’t work out but these things happen, so we’re on good terms) and looks like she’s with a new guy already. me and my wife have no doubt she was seeing him whilst still in a relationship with my son. i confessed to them both that i actually agree with her decision and he should have expected it. he did not treat her properly and i hope he learns lessons for the next one because he needs to make more of an effort. i said he deserves it for his lack of effort in the relationship and for essentially just allowing this girl to spend all her money and time coming here all the time. wife and son are very upset that i said this. very very upset and my wife says i am being horrible. aita? i stand by what i said.
|
<s>[INST] <<SYS>>
Classify the interpersonal conflict and explain your choice. Your choices are limited to you're the a**hole (yta) when the writer is causing the conflict, not the a**hole (nta) when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict, no a**holes here (nah) when no one is causing the conflict, everyone sucks here (esh) when everyone is causing the conflict, more information needed (info) when a classification cannot be made with the context provided.
<</SYS>>
so my son had a long-distance gf recently for about two years. she was great, a really nice girl and we all loved her welcomed her with open arms. she was flying here constantly to visit him, like a weekend a month and he didn’t lift a finger to go visit her. i tried talking to him about it several times and told him he should really start looking into flying over to her instead of expecting her to do all the travelling. he said no. and my wife probably had something to do with it as she constantly told him she was afraid of him flying. i spoke to them both and said this girl is great for him, she was willing to move over to our country too, but said there was one condition and that was he’d have to fly over to her country too. which is fair enough. he said no, he didn’t want to fly or travel anywhere. my son was becoming lazier and lazier, eventually telling his gf and us that he was perfectly fine never travelling anywhere including holidays etc. last week, he told us she’s dumped him. i went on her fb page as we’re all still friends (she wrote us an apology letter about how she’s upset it didn’t work out but these things happen, so we’re on good terms) and looks like she’s with a new guy already. me and my wife have no doubt she was seeing him whilst still in a relationship with my son. i confessed to them both that i actually agree with her decision and he should have expected it. he did not treat her properly and i hope he learns lessons for the next one because he needs to make more of an effort. i said he deserves it for his lack of effort in the relationship and for essentially just allowing this girl to spend all her money and time coming here all the time. wife and son are very upset that i said this. very very upset and my wife says i am being horrible. aita? i stand by what i said. [/INST] nta. that's the truth. what age is he? </s>
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AITA for telling my BF that his daughter can't have her own room in our house?
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so my boyfriend (30m) and i (24f) have been together for two years, and we just bought our first house together. we move in at the end of the month.
my boyfriend has a four year old daughter "kate" from a previous relationship. i love kate with all my heart. she lives with my bf's ex, and comes to visit us for short stays and sleepovers, more often in the summer time.
our new house is about a 30 minute drive from kate's mom's house. it has three bedrooms: a master bedroom and two smaller bedrooms. we are converting one of the rooms to be an office for my bf and me to work from. that leaves just one spare bedroom.
kate was really nervous about us moving so far away, and my bf has reassured her that she will still get to visit all the time - and she will have her own bedroom waiting for her whenever she wants. my issue with this is that i don't want kate to treat the only spare bedroom as her personal bedroom. rather, i want it to be thought of as a "guest" bedroom.
of course kate can stay there whenever she wants to. this isn't part of the debate, i want her to feel welcome all the time. but i don't want it to be *only* her room. i don't want it to be filled with her toys and clothes, so nobody else feels comfortable to sleep in there. i don't think it's fair that a room is reserved for someone who is not there 90% of the time.
in addition, my bf and i are planning to have a child of our own, and i want to make sure that when that happens, we will have space for them to live. i can only imagine the circus in a few years if we have to tell kate we are taking away her room to give to her new sibling.
that's why i want to set expectations now - that kate is always welcome, but she will be welcome as a "guest."
my boyfriend thinks i'm being unreasonable, that kate needs her own room for stability, especially as she feels we are moving away from her. he says we can keep a pull-out sofa in our office for guests to stay on, and call the spare room "kate's room."
i still don't think it's fair to have a room just for kate when she won't use it very often. and i think it's reasonable to be worried at the prospect of eventually giving kate's room away to a future child.
| 10,372
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https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/pgk8l7/aita_for_telling_my_bf_that_his_daughter_cant/
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2021-09-02 15:32:24
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yta. you are not ready for this relationship. his daughter is not a guest, she's a part of his life. and by acting the way you are, you are not making her feel welcome. 🤦♀️
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yta
she is a member of the family and deserves her own space.
and how did you not have this conversation before buying the house? isn't how many rooms & what they'll be used for one of the first things discussed before looking at homes to buy?
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yta
she is a child. a 4 year old. and you want to *make sure* she knows that isn’t her room. marinate on that. you want to make sure a four year old isn’t too comfortable or at home in her dads home.
if i were him i’d leave you.
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yta. she's not a guest, she's his daughter. my stepson lives 4 hours away and we get him on school breaks and during the summer, the rest of the time his room is closed off (so the cats can't wreak havoc). it's not wasted space, it's his room, and when he comes back he knows his nerf guns and video games and other toys are safely awaiting him in his room. you say you want her to feel welcome, but how is she supposed to feel that when she's not even worthy of having her own space? shit like this is why stepparents get such a bad rep.
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yta. i am not surprised that you didn’t discuss this beforehand because it would be obvious to anyone with a heart that a four year old is not a guest in her father’s house. it is her other home. of course she gets a room there.
seriously, you should go apologize profusely to your boyfriend and his daughter, if you have already spoken to her about this.
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>that's why i want to set expectations now - that kate is always welcome, but she will be welcome as a "guest."
okay evil stepmother. tell us more about how your hypothetical future child's sibling is not part of your family.
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>i love kate with all my heart.
>in addition, my bf and i are planning to have a child of our own, and i want to make sure that when that happens, we will have space for them to live.
you do not love kate with all your heart. you love the idea of reproducing and are using kate as a stand in.
she is not a guest, she is his first child, she should have a room, and you sound awful.
yta.
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yta. her dad's home is her home. she should have her own room and her own space. you want her to feel safe and comfortable, not like a guest. daughter trumps guests.
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yta
but how did this never come up when you were looking at houses???
you found a place with 3 rooms for a reason, was he just assuming the 3rd was for his kid and that never occurred to you?
what was your living situation before this? did she have a room there? are you taking it away?
|
yta
yta, and your bf is ta for being with you.
the kid was here first. and frankly your bf sucks for being with someone who thinks of his daughter as an interloper.
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YTA
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YTA
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YTA
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YTA
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YTA
| null |
YTA
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YTA
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YTA
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YTA
| 0
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Classify the interpersonal conflict and explain your choice. Your choices are limited to you're the a**hole (yta) when the writer is causing the conflict, not the a**hole (nta) when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict, no a**holes here (nah) when no one is causing the conflict, everyone sucks here (esh) when everyone is causing the conflict, more information needed (info) when a classification cannot be made with the context provided. Conflict context: so my boyfriend (30m) and i (24f) have been together for two years, and we just bought our first house together. we move in at the end of the month. my boyfriend has a four year old daughter "kate" from a previous relationship. i love kate with all my heart. she lives with my bf's ex, and comes to visit us for short stays and sleepovers, more often in the summer time. our new house is about a 30 minute drive from kate's mom's house. it has three bedrooms: a master bedroom and two smaller bedrooms. we are converting one of the rooms to be an office for my bf and me to work from. that leaves just one spare bedroom. kate was really nervous about us moving so far away, and my bf has reassured her that she will still get to visit all the time - and she will have her own bedroom waiting for her whenever she wants. my issue with this is that i don't want kate to treat the only spare bedroom as her personal bedroom. rather, i want it to be thought of as a "guest" bedroom. of course kate can stay there whenever she wants to. this isn't part of the debate, i want her to feel welcome all the time. but i don't want it to be *only* her room. i don't want it to be filled with her toys and clothes, so nobody else feels comfortable to sleep in there. i don't think it's fair that a room is reserved for someone who is not there 90% of the time. in addition, my bf and i are planning to have a child of our own, and i want to make sure that when that happens, we will have space for them to live. i can only imagine the circus in a few years if we have to tell kate we are taking away her room to give to her new sibling. that's why i want to set expectations now - that kate is always welcome, but she will be welcome as a "guest." my boyfriend thinks i'm being unreasonable, that kate needs her own room for stability, especially as she feels we are moving away from her. he says we can keep a pull-out sofa in our office for guests to stay on, and call the spare room "kate's room." i still don't think it's fair to have a room just for kate when she won't use it very often. and i think it's reasonable to be worried at the prospect of eventually giving kate's room away to a future child.
|
<s>[INST] <<SYS>>
Classify the interpersonal conflict and explain your choice. Your choices are limited to you're the a**hole (yta) when the writer is causing the conflict, not the a**hole (nta) when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict, no a**holes here (nah) when no one is causing the conflict, everyone sucks here (esh) when everyone is causing the conflict, more information needed (info) when a classification cannot be made with the context provided.
<</SYS>>
so my boyfriend (30m) and i (24f) have been together for two years, and we just bought our first house together. we move in at the end of the month. my boyfriend has a four year old daughter "kate" from a previous relationship. i love kate with all my heart. she lives with my bf's ex, and comes to visit us for short stays and sleepovers, more often in the summer time. our new house is about a 30 minute drive from kate's mom's house. it has three bedrooms: a master bedroom and two smaller bedrooms. we are converting one of the rooms to be an office for my bf and me to work from. that leaves just one spare bedroom. kate was really nervous about us moving so far away, and my bf has reassured her that she will still get to visit all the time - and she will have her own bedroom waiting for her whenever she wants. my issue with this is that i don't want kate to treat the only spare bedroom as her personal bedroom. rather, i want it to be thought of as a "guest" bedroom. of course kate can stay there whenever she wants to. this isn't part of the debate, i want her to feel welcome all the time. but i don't want it to be *only* her room. i don't want it to be filled with her toys and clothes, so nobody else feels comfortable to sleep in there. i don't think it's fair that a room is reserved for someone who is not there 90% of the time. in addition, my bf and i are planning to have a child of our own, and i want to make sure that when that happens, we will have space for them to live. i can only imagine the circus in a few years if we have to tell kate we are taking away her room to give to her new sibling. that's why i want to set expectations now - that kate is always welcome, but she will be welcome as a "guest." my boyfriend thinks i'm being unreasonable, that kate needs her own room for stability, especially as she feels we are moving away from her. he says we can keep a pull-out sofa in our office for guests to stay on, and call the spare room "kate's room." i still don't think it's fair to have a room just for kate when she won't use it very often. and i think it's reasonable to be worried at the prospect of eventually giving kate's room away to a future child. [/INST] yta. you are not ready for this relationship. his daughter is not a guest, she's a part of his life. and by acting the way you are, you are not making her feel welcome. 🤦♀️ </s>
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AITA for calling my sister selfish for announcing her pregnancy at our parents house?
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my husband and i have been having a long struggle with infertility. we have been getting treated and trying for a baby since 2017. but nothing worked! my husband is understandably devastated as he'd always wanted kids but never got the chance to be a father.
he's super sensitive aroubd the infertility topic. this my family knows. days ago, we got together with family for dinner. all of a sudden, my sister and her husband announced that they were expecting. we were stunned, me and my husband i mean. as for the others they were thrilled. as everyone got up to congratulate them. my husband got up, pushed his chair to the side and walked out. they all stared at me but i got up and told my sister she messed up by announcing her pregnancy like this and with 0 consideration for my husband knowing how he feels about this topic. she got defensive saying his "issues" with the topic wasn't her problem and that she and her husband were fed up walking on eggshells around him. i called her selfish and cruel but she complained that he ruined their joy and that i made it worse by making a scene. i told her she shoukdn't have chose my parents house but she said i have no place to dictate what she does in our parents house. my mom asked me to go home and i went.
it's been horrible. my parents think i've reacted poorly and should apologize to my sister on both mine and my husband's behalf after the scene we made at their home.
| 13,509
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https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/yrrojm/aita_for_calling_my_sister_selfish_for_announcing/
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2022-11-10 21:00:15
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yta sorry. unfortunate situation but where else is your sister supposed to announce that she's pregnant? or is she supposed to keep it a secret?
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yta. what exactly would you consider an appropriate way for her to announce her pregnancy? or did you expect her to keep it a secret until the child was born, until it was old enough to graduate, for the rest of their lives?
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yta
i am sorry for your infertility issues. however, you don't get to take happiness away from other people because of it.
where were they supposed to announce the pregnancy? or were they just supposed to keep it a secret? and what happens when the baby shows up? will them bringing the baby around be "rubbing it in your face" too?
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very much yta
this is not about you or your husband. your sister is also her her parents' house and wanted to share their good news. they don't owe you anything and it's unfair or you or your husband to expect to lessen themselves because of your struggles. they have every right to be excited and share that with the family.
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yta
you took your brother in law and sister's joyous announcement and made it about your and your husband's problems.
everyone has been tiptoeing around your fertility issues for 5 years. and you couldn't let them have 5 minutes of excitement.
before you say something like, "no one understands," my husband and i had miscarriage after miscarriage until we decided to live our lives, happily, child free. and yes, we're happy for our friends who announce their pregnancies.
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hypothetically if you and your husband were to fall pregnant and announce it to your family, would you want your family to be happy and congratulate you or storm out of the room and make it about themselves? or would your pregnancy be better than others because it’s yours?
you are fantastically self centred. your parents were right in asking you to leave. yta
you’re getting a niece or nephew and you are blowing up the chance for a relationship with them before they’re even born (and your sister!). i myself am struggling to conceive (not far off giving up), but my nephew is the light of my life, and i will give that child everything i have. fix your attitude before it’s too late.
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yta
i understand the sensitivity about the topic, but you shouldn't expect other people to hide their blessings. from the lack of context, i'm sure you're sister did not mean it out of spite, but saw the perfect moment to share the news with the most important people in her life. you and your husband took that moment away from her when you made it about yourselves, rather than congratulating her and dealing with your emotions separately.
i do wish you both the best and hope you can one day start a family- be it through surrogacy or adoption.
&#x200b;
sincerely,
someone with a shit ton of health problems, a low chance of ever carrying children, watching everyone else around her start a family.
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gently, yta and your husband is too.
if this happened at your home, i would have a harder time with my judgement... but this was your parent's home. this was your parents child letting them know they were going to be grandparents.
you and your husband are the ones that acted selfishly. your fertility struggles do not mean no one else in your family can have children you know...
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yta
i'm sorry you all are dealing with infertility, but your sister is right. she doesn't have to not announce her pregnancy at both of your parents homes. they are her parents too. you and your husband need to be in therapy if you can't handle others being pregnant.
there are also plenty of other ways to have children in this day and age.
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yta where else but a family gathering, that isn't focused around something else (ie wedding), is more appropriate to announce?
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YTA
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YTA
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YTA
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YTA
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YTA
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YTA
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YTA
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YTA
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YTA
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YTA
| 0
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Classify the interpersonal conflict and explain your choice. Your choices are limited to you're the a**hole (yta) when the writer is causing the conflict, not the a**hole (nta) when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict, no a**holes here (nah) when no one is causing the conflict, everyone sucks here (esh) when everyone is causing the conflict, more information needed (info) when a classification cannot be made with the context provided. Conflict context: my husband and i have been having a long struggle with infertility. we have been getting treated and trying for a baby since 2017. but nothing worked! my husband is understandably devastated as he'd always wanted kids but never got the chance to be a father. he's super sensitive aroubd the infertility topic. this my family knows. days ago, we got together with family for dinner. all of a sudden, my sister and her husband announced that they were expecting. we were stunned, me and my husband i mean. as for the others they were thrilled. as everyone got up to congratulate them. my husband got up, pushed his chair to the side and walked out. they all stared at me but i got up and told my sister she messed up by announcing her pregnancy like this and with 0 consideration for my husband knowing how he feels about this topic. she got defensive saying his "issues" with the topic wasn't her problem and that she and her husband were fed up walking on eggshells around him. i called her selfish and cruel but she complained that he ruined their joy and that i made it worse by making a scene. i told her she shoukdn't have chose my parents house but she said i have no place to dictate what she does in our parents house. my mom asked me to go home and i went. it's been horrible. my parents think i've reacted poorly and should apologize to my sister on both mine and my husband's behalf after the scene we made at their home.
|
<s>[INST] <<SYS>>
Classify the interpersonal conflict and explain your choice. Your choices are limited to you're the a**hole (yta) when the writer is causing the conflict, not the a**hole (nta) when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict, no a**holes here (nah) when no one is causing the conflict, everyone sucks here (esh) when everyone is causing the conflict, more information needed (info) when a classification cannot be made with the context provided.
<</SYS>>
my husband and i have been having a long struggle with infertility. we have been getting treated and trying for a baby since 2017. but nothing worked! my husband is understandably devastated as he'd always wanted kids but never got the chance to be a father. he's super sensitive aroubd the infertility topic. this my family knows. days ago, we got together with family for dinner. all of a sudden, my sister and her husband announced that they were expecting. we were stunned, me and my husband i mean. as for the others they were thrilled. as everyone got up to congratulate them. my husband got up, pushed his chair to the side and walked out. they all stared at me but i got up and told my sister she messed up by announcing her pregnancy like this and with 0 consideration for my husband knowing how he feels about this topic. she got defensive saying his "issues" with the topic wasn't her problem and that she and her husband were fed up walking on eggshells around him. i called her selfish and cruel but she complained that he ruined their joy and that i made it worse by making a scene. i told her she shoukdn't have chose my parents house but she said i have no place to dictate what she does in our parents house. my mom asked me to go home and i went. it's been horrible. my parents think i've reacted poorly and should apologize to my sister on both mine and my husband's behalf after the scene we made at their home. [/INST] yta sorry. unfortunate situation but where else is your sister supposed to announce that she's pregnant? or is she supposed to keep it a secret? </s>
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AITA For telling my girlfriend I will never allow her brother with down syndrome to live with us
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so a little backstory we have been together for 2 and a half years and there has been talk of marriage, she is 25, i am 28.
so obviously we are talking about intense personal shit a lot, kids, family etc we have good communication and rarely reach moments where we dont agree.
yesterday however she brought up her brother, her brother was a late, unplanned kid and as the chance is higher at later ages he was born with down syndrome, now the likely scenario is, he will survive his parents, as such my girlfriend said she wanted to let him live with us once they died or well if they die before he does and i said absolutely not.
i explained the caretaking involved, the problems involved etc and that there is no way i would allow it especially not once we have kids(we both want kids in a year or two) she flipped, saying i am selfish and so forth.
now i dont think i am selfish like at all and i think she is basing her brothers care on the hour or two a week she spends with him and doesnt realize what 24 hour care would involve.
so am i the asshole for not being okay with this?
edit 1: so i get a lot of comments concerning me being a dick for explaining shit to her and that she knows better than i, i figured i had made this clear in the post but apparantly not, her brother was a late child as a result she only experienced him up close as a baby until he was about 3, before she moved out at 18, she did not spend much time with her family during college and since we have been together she goes there about an hour a week with her parents there which she has only done since the past year or so before that it was considerably less. so i know for a fact she hardly knows what it entails, hell i hardly know the full extend of what it entails myself.
edit 2: i am sorry if some people think i am behaving like a bit of a cold dick but i am not great with emotional expression especially not on the internet, understand that i love my girlfriend and her family very much, including her brother i can simply not see myself being a life-long caretaker in my own home and i certainly wouldnt abandon him or am forcing her to abandon anyone, i know the subject itself may be hard for people to begin with though.
edit 3: i have noticed some people assume i do not want shit to do with him nor have him near my future kids etc, this is not the case i am merely drawing the line at having him move in, in the future, i am not at all opposed to having him in my life, arranging care for him etc
| 4,827
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https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/cyqsfs/aita_for_telling_my_girlfriend_i_will_never_allow/
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2019-09-02 15:55:56
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nah - you personally don’t want to. she does. yous will need to have honest open discussions about this otherwise it is a big enough issue to break yous. how much care does he actually need, everyone with down syndrome are different. some require a lot more care than others. wether you like it or not he will be a part of your life for as long as you stay with his sister so wether you like it or not you will have to spend time with him as will your children (if yous have them)
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nah. i see your point, but it's her brother. of course she will want to take care of him. and honestly, i'm siding with the girlfriend... i would probably be rethinking this relationship if i was her. i don't blame you at all op, but her brother is for life.
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nta: you didn't sign up to be a live in carer for a mentally disabled person. it takes a huge amount of effort.
i suggest:
1. you suggest sitting down with gf and her parents to discuss the full effort involved in careing for her sibling. make sure no details are skipped,
2. then discuss the impact this would likely have on you both financially, is she willing to work part time for the rest of her sibling's life? is she ready to have a worse car, house, holidays and pension?
3. then discuss how this will impact your children. you will have less time for them. you have x hours a day and the fact is many will be spent looking after her sibling. your children will have less money for education/activities and less time from both of you. this will impact them.
4. if after all this and other discussions she still wants to do it then you have to decide whether to carry on the relationship.
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nah. but be prepared for this to be a dealbreaker for her.
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nah - actually, if this is how you feel it's pretty important you let your gf know this now, as this may impact her decision to move forward with your relationship in the long term (this is kinda like a situation where one partner doesn't want kids and one partner does - it could just mean there are irreconcilable differences).
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have you thought about it's not just what you said... but the way you said it?
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nta - it’s pretty unreasonable to expect someone to be okay with inviting someone with down’s syndrome to live with you - the amount of care taking involved is something nobody should ever have to be subject to without choosing it
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yta for using the word allow as though this wouldn't be a shared household & she doesn't get a vote in her own home and family. frankly this is probably the end of your relationship, but the fact that you think you know better than her what goes into her brother's care says a lot and none of it good about how much you respect her.
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nah i understand that it's a lot of responsibility so i get why you wouldn't want to take care of him. however it is her brother and i'm sure she loves him and wants what's best for him.
all that being said the way you worded it to her "absolutely not" and you'd "never allow it" is really crappy. you are ta for responding like that.
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nah. yeah, she flipped out, but it's good you're having this conversation now instead of later.
is her brother really unable to live on his own? most ds people are pretty independent. do you know the amount of care that goes into taking care of him?
i get why she's mad, but i get why you don't want to share your home with a family member during your golden retirement years.
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NAH
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NAH
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NTA
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NAH
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NAH
| null |
NTA
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YTA
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NAH
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NAH
| 0.169744
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Classify the interpersonal conflict and explain your choice. Your choices are limited to you're the a**hole (yta) when the writer is causing the conflict, not the a**hole (nta) when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict, no a**holes here (nah) when no one is causing the conflict, everyone sucks here (esh) when everyone is causing the conflict, more information needed (info) when a classification cannot be made with the context provided. Conflict context: so a little backstory we have been together for 2 and a half years and there has been talk of marriage, she is 25, i am 28. so obviously we are talking about intense personal shit a lot, kids, family etc we have good communication and rarely reach moments where we dont agree. yesterday however she brought up her brother, her brother was a late, unplanned kid and as the chance is higher at later ages he was born with down syndrome, now the likely scenario is, he will survive his parents, as such my girlfriend said she wanted to let him live with us once they died or well if they die before he does and i said absolutely not. i explained the caretaking involved, the problems involved etc and that there is no way i would allow it especially not once we have kids(we both want kids in a year or two) she flipped, saying i am selfish and so forth. now i dont think i am selfish like at all and i think she is basing her brothers care on the hour or two a week she spends with him and doesnt realize what 24 hour care would involve. so am i the asshole for not being okay with this? edit 1: so i get a lot of comments concerning me being a dick for explaining shit to her and that she knows better than i, i figured i had made this clear in the post but apparantly not, her brother was a late child as a result she only experienced him up close as a baby until he was about 3, before she moved out at 18, she did not spend much time with her family during college and since we have been together she goes there about an hour a week with her parents there which she has only done since the past year or so before that it was considerably less. so i know for a fact she hardly knows what it entails, hell i hardly know the full extend of what it entails myself. edit 2: i am sorry if some people think i am behaving like a bit of a cold dick but i am not great with emotional expression especially not on the internet, understand that i love my girlfriend and her family very much, including her brother i can simply not see myself being a life-long caretaker in my own home and i certainly wouldnt abandon him or am forcing her to abandon anyone, i know the subject itself may be hard for people to begin with though. edit 3: i have noticed some people assume i do not want shit to do with him nor have him near my future kids etc, this is not the case i am merely drawing the line at having him move in, in the future, i am not at all opposed to having him in my life, arranging care for him etc
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<s>[INST] <<SYS>>
Classify the interpersonal conflict and explain your choice. Your choices are limited to you're the a**hole (yta) when the writer is causing the conflict, not the a**hole (nta) when someone other than the writer is causing the conflict, no a**holes here (nah) when no one is causing the conflict, everyone sucks here (esh) when everyone is causing the conflict, more information needed (info) when a classification cannot be made with the context provided.
<</SYS>>
so a little backstory we have been together for 2 and a half years and there has been talk of marriage, she is 25, i am 28. so obviously we are talking about intense personal shit a lot, kids, family etc we have good communication and rarely reach moments where we dont agree. yesterday however she brought up her brother, her brother was a late, unplanned kid and as the chance is higher at later ages he was born with down syndrome, now the likely scenario is, he will survive his parents, as such my girlfriend said she wanted to let him live with us once they died or well if they die before he does and i said absolutely not. i explained the caretaking involved, the problems involved etc and that there is no way i would allow it especially not once we have kids(we both want kids in a year or two) she flipped, saying i am selfish and so forth. now i dont think i am selfish like at all and i think she is basing her brothers care on the hour or two a week she spends with him and doesnt realize what 24 hour care would involve. so am i the asshole for not being okay with this? edit 1: so i get a lot of comments concerning me being a dick for explaining shit to her and that she knows better than i, i figured i had made this clear in the post but apparantly not, her brother was a late child as a result she only experienced him up close as a baby until he was about 3, before she moved out at 18, she did not spend much time with her family during college and since we have been together she goes there about an hour a week with her parents there which she has only done since the past year or so before that it was considerably less. so i know for a fact she hardly knows what it entails, hell i hardly know the full extend of what it entails myself. edit 2: i am sorry if some people think i am behaving like a bit of a cold dick but i am not great with emotional expression especially not on the internet, understand that i love my girlfriend and her family very much, including her brother i can simply not see myself being a life-long caretaker in my own home and i certainly wouldnt abandon him or am forcing her to abandon anyone, i know the subject itself may be hard for people to begin with though. edit 3: i have noticed some people assume i do not want shit to do with him nor have him near my future kids etc, this is not the case i am merely drawing the line at having him move in, in the future, i am not at all opposed to having him in my life, arranging care for him etc [/INST] nah - you personally don’t want to. she does. yous will need to have honest open discussions about this otherwise it is a big enough issue to break yous. how much care does he actually need, everyone with down syndrome are different. some require a lot more care than others. wether you like it or not he will be a part of your life for as long as you stay with his sister so wether you like it or not you will have to spend time with him as will your children (if yous have them) </s>
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